1. What is my concept of a Higher Power at this time? I have never been a complete atheist and have sometimes prayed/believed in God/Jesus. As my pain worsened, I felt a presence/voice that spread peace. I am learning to trust that voice as being my real feelings. When I go against the voice, it has not gone well. The main thing I have realized/believe now is that I cannot go through life without help. I could not ask for help - felt strange imposing on others. I would usually only talk to my mom. It seems now though that she can't deal with it/really listen. Maybe she never could, but I'm aware now that she gets anxious and she has to talk, talk, talk so we end up having a conversation about her feelings on her side and mine on mine. I just feel impatient. I have turned to people who weren't capable of being supportive. At last, I feel I have found that place - the Al-Anon group and talking to my Higher Power for guidance.
2. What would it take to allow my concept of a Higher Power to change? It is changing. I am taking leaps of faith and listening to the voice of peace and guidance.
3. Have past experiences affected my concept of a Higher Power? Yes, I was taught to be self reliant and that intellectually God probably doesn't exist. He's a human construct; yet I feel the peace and some things have happened that lead me to believe there is a divide guidance/a universal design. The little prayer I had to say as a child scared me and some parts of organized religion seem intent on producing shame. That part I must reject.
4. What do I hope to gain from accepting the concept of a Power greater than myself? Relief from constant worry about the future - mine, my kids', Orcas property, all of it. The worry doesn't help. It just hurts me and keeps me from sleeping, losing weight, feeling good about my life and myself.
5. Do I sense spiritual guidance in my life? How? I hear a voice and feel a great sense of peace from time to time. People have told me that God asked them to witness to me as God is reaching out to me. It has happened enough that I do feel some presence out there. It is a peaceful one. I feel that the voice is telling me I have run away long enough from my problems. It is time to face them and be done with the pain.
6. How do I describe the Higher Power I found in Al-Anon? I feel it's a sense of relief and peace. I have somewhere to turn for guidance in making decisions. The slogans help change the scripts in my mind. It is highly positive for me.
7. What does "Let Go and Let God" mean to me? It means I can't control other people or the future. I can work on my issues, but I need to put those people and situations into his hands because there's nothing I can do about them by worrying and thinking up possible ways to fix them. I can look for what I can possibly change and let go of the rest.
8. What does faith mean to me? Believing that things will work out even though I have no evidence or proof to support that belief. Actually, they always have worked out - not always the way I wanted but no amount of anxiety influenced what happened.
9. With whom and in what circumstances am I comfortable discussing my spiritual experiences? Mainly in the Al-Anon group. My family are agnostic or atheist and tend to poke fun at people so I don't talk to them about it although my sis in law was receptive to the idea of Al-Anon. I will talk about it to people who are anti believers. Otherwise, I'm not ready to admit my true feelings just to deal with being punched down. I did talk to my husband and stepmother about it, but the other members of my family not really. I can talk about this with fellow Al-Anon members and feel supported and accepted.
10. What might I gain from believing I could be supported and loved a a Power greater than myself? I could feel total acceptance and peace. That is what I feel since coming to Al-Anon. The first few minutes in the first meeting I felt totally disconnected and wondered what this group had to offer me, but suddenly I felt I belonged and that the message was one I needed to hear at that moment. I became open to it and most of the time I have felt much more at peace - not a churning mind of constant crisis and upset.
11. What does "came to believe" mean to me? It means that I began to see that I could not manage my life on my own. I needed help. I needed to reach out to something and someone and admit that I was not in control of circumstances or other people.
12. What does sanity mean to me? It means that I am living in the present and not constantly rocked by emotional reactions and drama. It means that I am not doing crazy things like reacting the exact same way and expecting a change, turning the car around in traffic to insanely try to find a faster way because I can't stand losing time or sitting in a line, panicking in a line, having a panic attack when someone else drops the ball so that I feel I have to pick it up, getting upset because others don't seem committed, wondering if they really care about me and our group. It means feeling at peace with myself and the world. It means not continually thinking the same negative thoughts. It means self control - not gorging, not waiting for someone to shatter my peace, not nagging or begging someone to change his/her behavior, not expecting certain outcomes, not feeling that person is weak in character because they can't stop their addiction or that I am weak because I can't lose weight.
13. How has the alcoholic situation affected my sanity? My life? I learned to take over everything because my ex was passed out on the couch by 8. I couldn't depend on him to work or do any chores. Even when I was very ill, I still had to go out and get milk for our toddler because he wouldn't do anything. I had to lie to his parents when they'd call and wonder why he wasn't home at 6 a.m. It meant living with constant criticism and feeling I would die if I didn't get out of there. It meant watching my children be hurt by a self centered, emotionally distant father. I'm still dealing with the fallout in terms of depressed children who are failing to launch and may have addictions of their own. I am still using the old coping strategies of trying to fix everyone's problems rather than realizing that trying to fix their problems means that I didn't see my own. I knew I was stressed, but I avoided all the pain and emotion by thinking about their needs.
14. Have I allowed the alcoholic situation to become my Higher Power? How? This was a totally unexpected question and I'm not really sure how to answer it. I know that I let the alcoholic control me. I just didn't realize it at the time. I thought I was the strong, responsible one. The one who was coping with everything and getting along just fine - except for the stress, the bad feelings about myself, the horrific weight gain, the lack of time for me, the feeling of being deadened or depressed. I guess this means that since he was in control by refusing to do anything and constantly criticzing me that I was relying on myself to control everything around me and not really noticing that it wasn't possible even though I did realize he wasn't changing at all.
15. Has my thinking become distorted trying to handle the alcoholic behavior? I thought I wasn't good enough. I had become "too big" in his words and wasn't a good cook so I came to the point of fearing cooking for others because I knew it wouldn't be good enough. I felt better when eating uncontrollably but worse at the same time, I began to react to rage that would surprise me. I hadn't realized I was angry. I was looking for happiness outside of myself and sometime in the future.
16. How have I turned to a Power greater than myself in times of great need? Did I call another Al-Anon member? My sponsor? Did I read CAL? Did I go to a meeting? If not, why not? In the past, I would sometimes call my mom and complain. That just reinforced the bad feelings about my ex. I would also pray from time to time. I wasn't ready to try other methods for coping because I felt I was doing the right things. I did go to counseling for a short time where the person told me I was being manipulated and controlled even though I had felt I was the one in control. That was the first time I saw the situation from that perspective, but I though by leaving that I had done the healthy thing. Now I am reading CAL and doing this journal 1-2 hours per day. I am looking for a sponsor. I just don't know the people well enough yet to know who has been there a long time. I have chosen a group now which is local and which I really feel good at. From them, I will search for the sponsor. I have an idea, but I am still working on courage to ask because she did tell me not to take it personally if someone refuses. That makes me think she isn't available, but she did tell me to call. However, it says before 6. That just doesn't work with my schedule so I have to be around the people a bit longer and perhaps try phoning someone - even someone not in that particular group as there were a couple of women at the Wed. group who radiated peace and have been there a long time. I am working on narrowing that down. I almost called when I was feeling really bad. I guess this is a big step for me. I can talk at meetings and socialize afterwards but calling a stranger seems to take more courage than I have. I will attempt to do this next week. There will be time. I am getting familiar with the program and doing as much work as I can between the other obligations. I feel I'm getting some insights and making progress, but before getting to step 5, I need to have found my sponsor.
17. In working this Step, can I describe a Step Two experience to my sponsor or my group? In a written sharing? I feel peaceful now when people talk about a spiritual experience. On Monday, I took a leap of faith and went to work knowing that my tire was losing air. Several people offered to help if needed plus I knew someone could help me change the tire so off I went. I made it, but the tire was completely flat at 4. I was planning on getting to Les Schwab with plenty of time to get it fixed; this would have slowed me down. However, some voice told me to go to the carpet company and ask if someone had tire air. They did! I was on my way in 5 minutes! I listened to the voice. A couple of weeks ago I had a "crazy" morning and turned around on 9 because the line was so long. I got stuck in the mud, but lo and behold someone in a truck stopped and had a winch. He told me to drive safely. He was right there so I only lost 5 minutes. I feel God was trying again to tell me that letting traffic get under my skin is not the right way to live. He has tried telling me before with a road rager hitting me and tearing off my bumper, but I rationalized that one even though I knew I had a part in it because I was angry when he sped up and tried to cut me off even though he'd been quite a ways behind me at the place where 2 lanes come to one. I end up losing more time when I act insane like this!
18. When have I done things over and over; yet expected different results? I keep getting frustrated by traffic yet it happens every day, and I have no control over it. I keep emotionally reacting in hopes it will change the others' behavior, but it never does.
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