1. Do I accept that I cannot control another person's drinking/drug use/behavior? Most of the time I accept this although I still feel the temptation to feel anxious about it. I wonder what will happen to them? Will they be ok? I have to breathe and read my reminders to get through this. The next step I need to take is to actually call someone and then begin looking for a sponsor. Why do I fear calling someone I don't know? Am I worried they will think I'm awful, stupid, imposing on their time? Is that what I really think of other people? Am I judging always in this way? Perhaps because I felt my father never had time for me and resented any time I took from him and patronized everyone and the fact that my friends wouldn't go with me places because they always waited for some better offer so I began to resent people not wanting to do things with me and also to feel that something about me made them not want to. I think I'm off topic. I do accept that I can't do anything, but it will take constant vigilance to fight my own anxiety.
2. How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics, and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine? I intellectually know this to be true, but emotionally I can't always understand how someone can choose to opt out of life and just pass out/veg on the couch with TV. I am not quiet enough in my brain to really listen and observe. My goal needs to be to remain quiet and watch and try to understand.
3. Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? Hows does that change the way I deal with a drinker? Yes, I have done a lot of reading on alcoholism and addiction. I have seen it listed as primarily a disease of feelings, but I also know there's a compulsion to drink. I can somewhat relate to addictions because I don't feel good if I don't exercise and I used to binge eat and gained a lot of weight. I'd feel good for a few minutes; then really bad. I know the alcoholic/addict has a lot of guilt just like I do about the food issue. I am working on staying out of people's faces about their addictions and trying instead to listen and change myself. My being peaceful does seem to keep the chaos level at home much lower.
4. How Have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences? I have yelled and screamed about that person's weak character, threatened to leave, cried, tried using guilt like look at the money you're wasting, how can you be so selfish. Nothing has changed, but it created a lot of emotional drama. Worrying has done nothing to help either. I have also bent over backwards trying to do things that I thought would make the person happy, but it never seemed to.
5. What might work better to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met? Quiet, simple statements about my true feelings with no request for the other person to change. Let natural consequences apply - stop rescuing. Protect my money, etc. and not give it to someone when I don't feel I should have to. Stop explaining and defending my actions. I don't need to. Work on achieving peace myself by detaching from the entanglements with others. Wait until they ask me for help - don't offer it.
6. How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to do/be what I want? Mainly I feel anxious because I don't know what will happen in the future, but I also feel anger, sadness, and resentment as to why I have spent so much time and done so much that was unappreciated, how I have gone into debt, not had the things I wanted with my money, how I feel controlled and manipulated because that person got what they needed by negative means, and I let it happen.
7. What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcholic or anyone else? I have already experienced a tremendous sense of relief. It frees me to do things for myself, and I have started planning my food, controlling myself more, and using my brain again. However, I sometimes feel sucked into the old responses and the anxiety. I just found out that an account of mine with lots of money was set up in a way I didn't realize so technically my son and daughter own that money. I am upset and scared as that really is my money. I would have been happy to share it had they chosen to go to school. Now I want that money in case I'd like to buy my dream property, but I have to get them to sign off on it. I'm afraid that I raised monsters with no conscience, but I don't want to think my kids are really capable of stealing from me even though my daughter did just that so now I have fear. I can't do anything about it but pray that it turns out ok in the end. It's there in the back of my mind. I'm repeating reminders to myself.
8. How can I let go of others' problems instead of trying to solve them? I know I can't stand it when someone offers me advise when all I really wanted was for someone to listen. I also realize I'm guilty of offering advise in that same situation. Yesterday, I did well about just listening and showing I was listening rather than jumping in there with solutions. I can't be sure that something that would work for me would work in that person's life. I need to back off, use reflective listening - hearing the emotion but not always thinking of how I can respond with something helpful. Just reflecting what they're saying helps them come to their own solution. That certainly works for me, and I just feel obstinate and irritated when someone jumps in there and takes over for me as I feel disrespected. I didn't realize I was guilty of the same behavior! Stop, Be Quiet, Listen, Think!
9. Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one? Of course, I would love to wave a magic wand and have them all go away, but there will just be new ones. I've finally realized that life is not problem free, the future is not some magical paradise, this is what life is - little frustrations every single day, moments of peace and joy, and some big crises/changes from time to time. There is no quick fix. I will be working this program the rest of my life if I want to achieve and maintain peace and sanity.
10. In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for others? The hiking group - I want to try to please all of them, but mostly they don't step up to please me or even really help out. I wanted this group so I wouldn't be going solo so in the end I just need to try to please myself and if no-one joins me, look around for other things I could do. Mostly someone goes so even though I wonder why that activity doesn't excite them, I need to let that go and say they don't need to do this activity. I also feel this for my children as I started out as a mom with totally dependent babies; now I realize I have to let go of the expectations I formed by watching their abilities. I have to watch them struggle and not step in. If I step in and rescue, they've lost their chance to learn. By wanting to make life easier for them than it was for me, I ended up harming them.
11. In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment about another's behavior? When my kids don't show up for appointments I made based on their request. I feel like their bad manners reflects poorly on my parenting rather than on their own character. Anything they do that seems rude or irresponsible feels like others will criticize me as there are so many things blamed on parents "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree" kinds of comments really hooked me. I also am embarrassed when Glen or my father go around bragging about themselves or teaching others what to do. Glen really exaggerates also as he never even finished a quarter at that university yet he always puffs himself up when talking to others. I hate the lies. I guess he does it to feel better about himself and doesn't see anything good about himself but the glorious past as an athlete and the regrets that he didn't get farther with it due to injuries and damn poor choices in his life. I think others believe I myself am stupid for having married someone like that. I hate to feel stupid. I also am hyper responsible so I don't like anyone to think I'm not.
12. What brought me into Al-Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed? My daughter was having difficulties that appeared to show a serious problem/drug addiction, and I was in pain. I was looking for a place where I could talk about my problems without feeling I was imposing on anyone. I feel that I gained a place like that and more. I found relief and the realization that I am not alone. My behaviors are understandable. No-one is judging me. I am finding the courage to change me and seeing that I was avoiding conflicts and problems, but they weren't really going away. It was my time to start learning life's lessons.
13. Who has expressed concern about my behavior or my health? No-one. However, an extremely dysfunctional friend told me I must have a touch of Asperger's. At first, I thought, "Now there's the kettle calling the pot black", but I realized I did demonstrate out of control behavior one time when I was super exhausted and she had been on one of her nasty tears for hours. Also, someone told me that I could learn to control my response to other people's nastiness. She happens to generate peaceful feelings so even though I felt that wasn't a sympathetic response to what had happened, I thought about it long enough to realize it was true.
14. How do I know when my life is unmanageable? I become so stressed that I am stuck. I can't think what to do, my heart is pounding, I have a panic attack.
15. How have I sought approval and affirmation from others? I try to do things I know they will like. I change an activity to see if it attracts more people or makes them express happiness or even just go with me somewhere. I spend time trying to make food the exact way my son makes it just to see if for once he'll say he likes it. I used to get perfect grades to see if my dad might just once say I did something well or give me a compliment. I did those things with my alcoholic husband also, but I usually didn't get the approval I looked for. I sometimes received compliments from teachers or other students about my intelligence, the only one to see whatever it was, etc. I also tried to keep myself thin and was extremely attractive so that was a way to get noticed. For awhile, I was posting trip reports all the time even though it took too much time and stressed me out a bit just so I could get responses from other hikers. I also would like to get compliments on lessons or teaching now and then - just not a job that gets lots of compliments - only complaints. My old job was one in which I could get more attaboys. It also feels good when others notice the weight loss.
16. Do I say "yes" when I want to say no? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this? Yes, I do this. I really don't want to give money/buy expensive brand names for my children, but I find it difficult to deal with the scenes which result. I feel awful when I give in to something again. I also hate the merrygoround of blame/criticism when I don't speak up and say I don't like that behavior in class or at home. I build up resentments, feel I hate the people involved, want them out of my life, get into debt which causes stress, have to listen to students disrupting the lesson, in short I feel out of control.
17. Do I take care of others easily, but find it's difficult to take care of myself? Yes, I do too much for other people, but little by little I've been giving myself time to do activities I love. I feel better when I make that time instead of dropping everything at the last minute to run errands, clean up a teenager's mess etc. I had a hard time feeling it was ok to say no to those last minute things and being gone for my own activities, but I feel saner when I get away from time to time and enjoy hiking/having some wine and soaking in some beauty and peace with friends. I have been doing much better about putting healthy food in my body and taking good care of it.
18. How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis? I feel peaceful when all is smooth and happy, but sometimes I wonder how long is it before someone does something that jerks my chain. It's not what I would call continual, but some days I feel anxiety like some feeling that something will crash this smooth period. I don't feel good in a crisis. Yes, I can cope, but it's just survival. I think I appreciate more the peaceful, boring moments of life. My highs are great vacations, hiking, etc. and just taking the moment to enjoy the sun or flowers. I feel so stressed now in any crisis that it's hard to deal with it. I have had too many hit me at the same time and just feel overwhelmed.
19. How do I feel when I'm alone? Wonderful! I love and enjoy quiet time. Only sometimes such as after the death of my do did being alone bother me? I sometimes worry about personal safety when alone - especially out in the woods, but mostly I treasure alone time and don't need another person to entertain me or make me feel good.
20. What is the difference between pity and love? Pity feels sorry for because that person isn't in a good place; love is equal and means you encourage and hope for the best for that person rather than expecting them to solve your problems or you theirs. It's a mutual vulnerability and care for each other. No-one is superior.
21. Am I attracted to people who need to be fixed? Absolutely. I get hooked by something in certain people, and I believe it is a subconscious need to rescue. I seemed to be attracted to the "brooding, dark" type for men - also the emotionally unavailable type - I guess it reminds me of my dad. I was trained to have to work for love and approval. I also tend to gravitate to friends who are unstable. I have lots of healthy friends, but I definitely have some needy ones. I also seem to be hooked by the need to please when someone says they don't like a plan for an activity and asks me to change it. It's taking real work to say in a neutral manner that the plan stays - can't change for every individual - either go as it or don't go. I've said don't even sign up if you're going to drop at the last minute. I'd rather you wait until you're committed because I find it aggravating when people drop at the last second simply because they find something they'd rather do, but I feel bad about being honest about that feeling/need. I wonder if it chased that person away, but I realize that if it did, they aren't really a friend or a part of our group. They're just the hangers on who don't want to commit or make any effort. I don't need that type in my life. It's time to jettison. Reaching out to people in pain and saying I am thinking about them is much different than feeling their pain/dealing with their struggle for them. One is being a friend; the other is controlling. It is a fine line that I still blur/not quite sure, but I'm learning to trust that if I feel resentful and that the other person isn't giving anything to the relationship, that I'm best off backing away also.
22. Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are? I feel I've made so many bad decisions and almost was paralyzed by decision making - probably because I wasn't allowed a say as a child and any time I expressed a true feeling, it was shot down. I do hear an inner voice; sometimes I've gone against it and EVERY time I have regretted it. I can't do things just because I think it's the nice thing to do. I always resent it or it turns out poorly in some way. I'm learning to remind myself to listen to that voice and to my feelings. They tell me what to do if I let them. I'm starting to allow myself to feel some of them rather than running away from them. The literature helps me to release and face them.
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