Injustices I Suffered/Boundary Issues Which Resulted

Resentments fixate us at the point of our pain.  We don't have healthy boundaries regarding our rights.  Anger is always the response to injustice.

What injustice did I suffer as a child?

1.  Universal Criticism:  result didn't feel I had the right to feel good about myself or the right to take risks; how does this affect me today?  perfectionism, sometimes procrastination, settling for second or third best; inability to make a decision; fear = my decisions weren't allowed, expected to do what told, nothing seemed right - Kazuya never said anything nice to me; Keisuke is now the same

2.  Emotional Unavailability of Parent:  result:  disbelief in true intimacy; don't feel the right to trust; don't feel the right to feel safe;  results in superficiality; self sabotage, dependent relationships - dad was never there even when he was home

3.  Feelings Were Discounted:  Result:  distrust; ignorance and self destruction of own feelings which leads to emotional flatness, pretended emotion, sense of estrangement (example:  mom calling my love for Dave puppy love)

4.  No Touch:  disbelief in true intimacy; fear of commitment, dependence in relationships; told I'd be frigid like my mother

5.  Body Shame:  lost right to self acceptance and right to be flawed; results in obsession about appearance; Grandma's comments about acne, etc., dad's weird compliments; too thin so comments made about that by friends; my mom's friends telling me I would be fat one day, breasts too small, hips too big - these are some of the many boyfriend, friend, or family comments made

6.  Shameful Behavior of Parents:  dad bragging, dad being rude to people; dad's tantrums; rights lost is right to belong and distrust of authority results in grandiosity, feeling like "on the other side of the tracks", chronic distrust and insecurity

7.  Always expected to know but never given the time to learn:  lost right to make a mistake or try things without being punished; leads to perfectionism and sense of inferiority (in some people leads to pretended ignorance)  I must have decided never to make a mistake - which makes decisions difficult because life is all about mistakes and learning from them.  Dad always had to be right.  I have this flaw now also.  I just know I'm right many times; if the other disagrees, I feel threatened to my core and have to fight for acknowledgement. 

8.  Learned Acceptance was conditioned on doing things well - such as good grades and doing interesting things; results in loss of right to be imperfect; right to refuse, right to be tired leads to hype responsiblity, denial of pain, people pleasing.  Girls have to be nice and nurturing.  Girls are victims.  Girls are the workers in the house.  Girls are not good at math.  Girls won't have a major career.  Girls are dependent.  These are the messages I internalized.  I tried so hard to give my own girl self esteem.  I wanted to break the cycle, but somehow it all continued.  I married a critical, emotionally unavailable man who manipulated and controlled so he'd have to do nothing.