Some Insights

Last night as I drove home from the meeting, I thought about how my brother would say relying on a higher power is a crutch.  For a moment, I felt bad about it until an "aha" moment occurred - we were taught to be so self reliant, but EVERYONE needs someone/something to help them out.  We all need support so whatever works to improve our lives is not a crutch and even if it is, that is NOT something negative.  We wouldn't expect a person with a broken leg to go without crutches.  We need crutches.

This morning I realized again that my mother was not without responsibility in the poison atmosphere of our family.  Those nips her mother used to take every time she went to the kitchen meant that she was most likely an alcoholic.  We west coast relatives weren't around enough to realize it/didn't have that kind of education as a kid, but that explains a lot of her feistiness and every 10 minutes asking if she could get us something.  It was a form of bullying/caretaking and also hoping for an excuse to go get another nip.  My cousin says she was definitely an alcoholic.  None of my other relatives drank so I always thought there was no alcoholism in our family, but it was there.  My mom suffered even though she always paints an idyllic portrait of her childhood.  Why else would both sisters have chosen damaged men - my uncle even worse than my father.  My father was abused - physically and emotionally.  Mostly his form of abuse to us was never to give approval.  Our family disease has gone down all the generations.  I thought it would stop with me, but somehow I chose damaged men again.  My kids show more signs of trauma than I did or they express it differently.  I was too scared to not succeed/achieve in terms of school.  It was one place where I did get approval I suppose.