Daughter: I so wanted to have a child, and she and I were very close those first 3 years. It was wonderfully satisfying to have her in my life. Then my son was born, and she ignored him for 3 months. It was a tough time as he needed attention, and she gradually developed more independence because there were things I just couldn't do for her anymore. He was a demanding sort from the beginning. Both she and I tried hard to get him to sleep, and she ended up doing things for him like dressing him as he refused to do self care until about the age of 6 when both of us refused to do it for him anymore.
She still seemed happy except for a need for perfection which exhibited itself strongly when she played baseball - horrifyingly embarrassing as she was so upset when she couldn't perform well. Another time she pitched a fit because I was leaving. She did pitch some fits now and then that were pretty embarrassing, but usually she was a compliant, quiet, clingy at first but later independent. She talked a blue streak and was affectionate, but after her dad told her Japanese people don't kiss or hug, she never was cuddly. That happened sometime between 12 and 18 months. It was devastating. She was still outgoing and interested in activities and talking to me until middle school. After that, she began to go more into herself, but I figured it was a normal part of being a teenager so I didn't push myself into her life. She followed our rules, and she was doing all she was supposed to - not asking for expensive things, getting all her schoolwork done, playing the piano, enjoying classical music and books so I wasn't concerned. Her brother was taking more and more of my time and energy as school was a nightmare for him and as she was doing fine, I didn't have reason for worry. I felt bad about it and would try to spend time with her like a weekend in Olympia and overnights with Girl Scouts. We had a great time together. In high school, she so wanted to participate in activities, but her geeky friends had no interest in fashion, activities so reluctantly she just studied. Our relationship was no longer close. The previously open girl who went to public baths with me in Japan now locked herself in the bathroom to change clothes and spent endless time getting herself gussied up even though she was already strikingly beautiful. She asked me for help with school subjects now and then, and I went to all her awards and piano concerts. I tried to connect with her but was rebuffed. This became increasingly so after she started dating D. She freaked out one day when he came over without calling her as she was in sweats and couldn't be seen that way - really freaked out. It was abnormal. She hid and wouldn't come out. It was as if he wouldn't care about her if she didn't look stunning. I felt it was obsessive and tried discussing it with her. She did feel comfortable enough to come to me for contraceptive appointments. I was stunned, but I had always preached responsibility so . . . I asked if it was also what she wanted, and she said she did. I hadn't realized how controlling he was - just that he was rude. We all went through a nightmare when he turned into an abusive stalker. She was trying to deal with AP tests and college in the high school pressures at the same time. She always seemed to float above the chaos surrounding my son's problems and temper tantrums. She had to take care of him when at her dad's. Her dad seemed to dote on her which she took advantage of. She began to dress like a slut so we worried about her need to do that.
During this time, my dad was ill with Alzheimer's so I was preoccupied with that and my son's problems. Then she got ill - seriously ill but didn't let on what the doctors told her. It hit home how bad it was when we went to the hospital and they thread an IV line into her heart. We had to have my mom come live with us so someone could give her transfusions while I was at work. She hid away from people as her face was being attacked. She wouldn't go to school or any senior activities - not even graduation. It broke my heart that we all missed those milestones - things I had dreamed about for my child because they were special times for me. She purposefully missed them as she could have gone. She decided we could still do our trip. It was fabulous. After 24 hours of sleeping, she began to open up a bit and enjoy the activities and our time together. She started smiling, laughing, flirting, and hanging on to my hand. It was great as I felt I was getting her back. She had been accepted to the Honors Program, and everything seemed to be going well. She was still intensely controlling about private info - couldn't see her grades, etc. even though I was paying for it. She started wanting more brand names and expensive stuff. I went along. Then my world was shattered. She stole from me by forging my checks. I was cleaned out of all money that month; then it turns out she hadn't really been going to school for a year and people reported seeing her doing drugs. I thought she must be an addict or in serious pain. I tried for a long time to suggest counseling to deal with all the trauma - alcoholic father, brother, me, fights in our house, the trauma her senior year. Well, it came back to bite her. I had to crack down, and it made an impression so she's now seeing a competent person. There is hope for the future, but I am still anxious. The bright future and lofty goals she had seem to be elusive now. I don't know what's going to happen.
I guess I feel disappointed, cheated out of what I had hoped to see, to bask in the glory of a high achieving kid, and know that her future is secure and she has everything she wants. Her next relationship choice sucked also so I hope she will deal with this. For now, I'm practicing letting go. We need to get her moved and hope she can support herself somehow and finally heal so that she is capable of a healthy, decent relationship in the future. I need to get hands off, but I keep remembering the baby that used to coo for me and all the other happy times. I am worried we won't even have a relationship someday. It's my greatest fear. I know we have few hobbies in common, but I'd still like to have a place in her life. I'm happy she tried to come to holidays as she had stopped answering the phone, showing up for appointments even for good things like buying a car. She wrecked several cars and has cost us so much that I resent that also. It's hard to forgive and move on. It's hard to let go, but she is almost 21. I used to have a poster that said "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was." I think it's helpful.
My Son:
My son was born with some brain damage and was paralyzed. It was a difficult pregnancy and wicked birthing process. We both had problems. I had a hard time with my daughter, but this was worse. The doctor was incompetent and was so sure there would be no problems with a second one that he didn't listen to me. He was scared shitless and tried to assure me the baby would end up normal. The baby was fussy and tight clothes, labels bothered him, he was sick all the time. Later I read that is typical of learning disabled children. I sometimes wonder - what if? He might have been a super achiever like his sister. He was a handfull - so active, always crying, bonking his head into a door or wall if I tried to do anything on the other side of it, couldn't sleep, it was so bad his relatives in Japan took him to a priest to be prayed over. Later, he became bossy and seemed not to be able to tolerate any kind of frustration. Once he went to school, his inflexibility became even more noticeable. He seemed easily overwhelmed by sensations and a feeling that he wasn't cabable. His peers called him a retard; his teachers were frustrated. He became seemingly psychotic the summer he turned 7. His first grade teacher was a first year one and didn't advocate well enough for him but did point out issues with fine motor skills. He got the wicked witch of the west for second grade and all hell broke loose - tantrums in school, they locked him in a closet. He finally got on a behavior program; that teacher advocated for him. He had the perfect teacher for him in 3rd grade and someone sympathetic to his type in 4th grade so no problems again until 5th grade when we had another teacher that I instantly knew would not work, but the principal just said to all that he was a bad kid and never gave us the required 90 minutes. In retrospect, I should have had experts with me as she was a bully. It was horrible; he never recovered from these school experiences. Everyday was filled with anxiety as to what would happen. The fighting had broken out in our home; life was chaotic. I tried to fight for him and with him to get him to do hours of homework (for him it was hours). Every night was an ordeal. I imposed draconian consequences, but none of that worked. Things were awful until I decided to homeschool. He tried a tantrum on me, but I just said I had all day so if he wanted to play with friends (the most powerful motivator at the time), he would need to do his work. It took a couple of days, but it worked. He liked it, and he caught up in that year. He wanted to go back to be with his friends so he went back for middle school. They gave him a lot of care; Ritalin 8th grade brought straight As, but he didn't think it helped so off he went. Freshman year: disaster. They didn't have supports in place and he was lost in the shuffle. He began failing. He didn't like the awful falling apart building with the depressing atmosphere or the teachers' attitude. We tried getting him into the alternative school, but the waiting list was so long that he gave up. We then moved to a private school which he loved until he became friends with a kid with a super bad attitude. That kid poisoned everyone against the place by saying "you don't learn anything here" so again my son dropped a school. He had 15 credits by this time and was back as a junior at public school. He did great first quarter; then stopped attending/doing the work and managed to pass only 4 classes. He tried the community college and dropped as it seemed too hard, but he liked the atmosphere at least and became super excited about Evergreen. All that changed again. He passed the first of the prereq classes for Running Start with a B; then gave up again. He had creative talent in his writing - just the mechanics continued to be a bit of an issue - at least he felt they were. He can speak well and is articulate but doesn't trust himself with grammar and spelling. Math was falling farther and farther behind without practice so then he dropped out again and decided a GED was the way to go, but the classes were too low of a level and studying on his own only lasts a little while. So he decided doing an AA and getting his diploma that way would work, but they messed up his schedule and he gave up again. Now he just sits in his room - getting fatter and doing nothing but videos. His hobbies of music and exercise went down the toilet. He felt better when he was doing something; now he's in a vicious cycle - finally agreed to the recommended meds; took them all month; claimed not to feel better; didn't set up the month check appt; then got all mad that I hadn't done that as it was important for him to feel better so what was my problem! He asked on a day when I couldn't so it seemed he would agree to do this for himself but no. He just won't. I finally got sucked into making the call for him - those people there are rude to him he things. He's not the only one to complain. Now that our favorite (only competent) doctor is leaving, we're looking to switch clinics. In the meantime, he now has to start the cycle of meds again because it's been 10 days, he won't agree to listen to possible jobs, and he won't show up to meet the tutor. He's convinced himself he can't do anything so I'm trying to be hands out, but I have told him that when he's 18, he needs to do something to earn the insurance and car payments. Currently, he is doing better about cleaning his own messes so it's a step, but 18 is going to hit hard with no skills.
My feelings upon rereading:
1. Sadness that I missed out on more time with my daughter because I chose to focus on my son.
2. Sad about what happened to my girl - she didn't deserve all those horrible experiences.
3. Guilty and disappointed about her choices in men. Guilty because I wonder what part I played in that with my own personal bad choices and lack of knowledge as to what makes a good marriage.
4. Anger at her for stealing/losing money is turning to acceptance and some forgiveness as I want her in my life. Bafflement as to why she doesn't appreciate what I sacrificed for her - although that is an older reaction. I'm beginning to understand this.
5. Pain that she and I and Keisuke and I don't really know each other anymore.
6. Anger/Sadness that Keisuke doesn't respect me/isn't grateful for all I did but instead tends to blame me for my choices in men and screwing up both kids.
7. Confused/scared as to the correct course of action with both of them. Relying on Al-Anon - not provoking a crisis but no longer preventing natural consequences from occuring.
8 Grief: letting go of my expectations for seeing graduations, weddings, grandchildren, great careers for them; the unknown is frightening! Will they turn around? Will they get jobs/finish school? Will we even see each other in the future?
Neither one of them even remembered my birthday even though I make big deals about big days in their lives. Would love to have my girl call me out of the blue to share something exciting, etc. I don't get those calls like me and my mom always did. My mom was like my best friend. At least Keisuke still does that now and then - probably cuz he lives with me still.
I'm hopeful that we will eventually be friends and have that kind of relationship and find some common interests.
I need to be quiet, listen, let them know I'm here if needed and can be trusted now not to blab. I only talked with mom to get her perspective or with someone to decide if I'm doing the right thing, but they hated my talking about them. Keisuke would blow up about it. I couldn't even brag or give him compliments.
I think in spite of my efforts to give them good self esteem (to make up for my lack of it), somehow that didn't happen. I think both suffer from depression. Their dad has some serious issues that led him to being an alcoholic and I was damaged from my family of origin so maybe we just passed on some genetic predisposition and our scars without realizing it.
I try to keep busy to avoid facing the pain from all this. Now following the codependent and Al-Anon programs fills a void, and my hope is that when I get better, they will follow. Isn't that trying to control them, though, also? Wish I knew the answer to that one.
How do I benefit from trying to control? It reduces my anxiety to try to fix it - so afraid of their lives being ruined.
What do they gain? They don't have to work or take responsibility.
How effective are my attempts to control? Not very - I usually feel that they have all the power, and I have none. I can't make them do anything; they know that. They have a cushy life on my dollar. I can't have my dream of an easy to get to vacation spot/rental for income with them draining all the money. Even the cars which I thought would bring me freedom are too high a price to pay for my not having to drive them around - $1000 or so per month! It's all killing us - no money for nice vacations for us. I don't mind the camping/hiking/backpacking vacations but sometimes I'd like to go somewhere else/do something else. I really want that other house, but because of Preston, we lost the chance to sell at a good time. Actually, it's my fault for going along with letting him be there free of charge - for letting myself be bullied into it plus I wasn't ready to let go of the family property - the ridiculous demands of San Juan County hadn't pushed me to the point where I realized I was done.
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