I am feeling anxious right now. I just read an e-mail that student numbers are down. We are already in financial trouble with no real expectation that our Orcas property will sell meaning we are living on the edge. I would love to only work 4 days but can't really afford that yet. Kiku will cost less and perhaps Keisuke won't cost that much either as I am now determined not to get sucked into getting whatever they want. That will help. However, I will have to figure out something if I lose Fridays. I pray that if I lose something, that it is just Fridays. It would be positive in the sense of being able to do more trips but there would be less money for the trips. I will sign up to be a sub and a tutor if it looks like I'll need to in April. The issue is we won't know for sure until August. It's best to be signed up before then.
We can put the trailer up for sale, but I'm hoping we can afford to store it somewhere else once we take it out this summer.
I am not sure we should redo the deck at this time. Maybe we can just repair some boards and let it go at that. I don't want to be left with no emergency cash. I am worried about our debt. There's nothing I can do about our stupid habits now, but I can control it from now on. I cannot buy anything more unless it's part of a certificate. We have to tighten up and try to save/pay down debts.
Please God, help us make it through these tough times. I realize that if I ask for a result, I am trying to control. I will think positively that somehow it will all turn out ok. We have been lucky in our lack of luck so far. I am so grateful for that. I love this job and want to keep it even if I sometimes feel impatient with students. I think it is partly me and not setting good boundaries or being consistent with accountability.
I am trying to follow the literature and let go and let God. There is nothing to be accomplished with worrying about it. I can't know anything until after the break. I can hope it will at least be 4 days a week and then figure out a way to make whatever happens into a positive.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Step 3 Reflections
1. How do I feel about turning my life over to a Higher Power for guidance?
This was something I resisted in the past as I felt I was in control and coping very nicely thank you. I was doing a great job running away from my pain and avoiding conflict until the pain/crises became too much for this strategy to work. I realized I needed help. The Higher Power is always there and won't let me down as people tend to - no-one can be all things to someone else although I certainly tried to be perfect. I feel an amazing sense of relief since starting Al-Anon. It is a huge burden lifted from my shoulders to understand that I don't have to do it all and am not responsible for the world. I can let go of expectations for others and let them make their own mistakes and have their own joys and hope that perhaps they will find I'm not so awful after all.
2. How do I know who or what my Higher Power is? I feel the power at the meetings and I feel the power when I read the literature and do the work. Insights just keep coming to me as my mind is finally open. I believe this is my higher power speaking. I think of it as God or maybe just my better self or the peace of the others in the program.
3. Am I willing to try to turn my problems over? What could help me to be willing? Yes. I have not solved them the way I've been going. I am so glad to let it go although some days it is still a struggle.
4. How can I stop thinking, trying, and considering, and actually make a decision? I need to remember that so far it has all worked out - even when it's not the way I wanted to - whatever the situation was it has resolved, I have managed to get through. My biggest enemy is my anxiety about the future, but that anxiety doesn't help me so I'm working hard to let it go and think of things to be grateful for in my life and notice something good about the present rather than dwelling on the past and agonizing over the future. I need to pray for guidance for future decisions and let the answer come to me.
5. Have I had a problem making decisions in my life? Give examples. Yes, because they always seem to be wrong, my choice of career, husband, school etc. It always seemed they could have been better and resulted in a better life. I wish many times that I had listened to other people's input but as it came across as unwanted advice, I didn't hear it. I need to stop, think, listen and not let anxiety/crisis/drama take away my power to sort it all through. Now I don't want to do things in the same way so I don't always trust myself either. I have to listen to that voice and feel the real feeling. Often something has told me - anger, resentment, headache, etc., but I usually didn't pay attention to it.
6. If I am unable to make this decision, what holds me back? At first, it was my training and fear that someone will make fun of me for being in this program and turning to a "crutch". However, one of my insights last week is that everyone needs something to lean on at times. Going it on my own or trying to force someone else's solution onto my life doesn't feel right and hasn't worked for me.
7. Do I trust my Higher Power to care for me? Yes - most of the time I feel the peace. Sometimes I have to fight the old feelings off as I start getting anxious - particularly when it involves my children's lives. I've been enmeshed in the old habits so long. My son is particularly resistant to my making changes as he's the one who'll have to start taking up the slack. He gets a lot out of doing nothing and feeling miserable.
8. How might Step Three help me keep my hands off situations created by others? It allows me to back off and let consequences happen as they may without my trying to fix them unless they directly affect my life - such as I'll be the one dealing with a negative consequence such as losing money. Otherwise, I need to mind my own business, stop feeling sorry that my kids aren't going the way I had envisioned, and keep positive thoughts that they will find a way to health and happiness as well as become self supporting in the next 5 years. I don't need to fix everything for them. This isn't good for any of us.
9. What consequences have I had by obsessing on problems and other people? I started feeling resentment about being the giver constantly but nothing coming back to me. I also felt pretty constantly stressed and out of time. I neglected myself, got fat, didn't do anything I liked doing, and felt generally miserable, out of control, powerless, and hopeless.
10. When I "Let Go and Let God" take care of my life, am I willing to follow the guidance I receive? I am willing to listen to that voice because I realize that when I have listened, things have turned out better. When I don't listen, I regret it. Some days will be harder than others.
11. How can I turn a situation over and let go of the results? I have to read the literature and remind myself rather than letting anxiety consume me. I will ask for guidance and not a result because it is possible the result I am asking for is not in the plan for me. I will practice breathing and if I'm in a particularly bad place, I will make a call to my future sponsor or someone on the Al-Anon list as well as attending a meeting. I have made it a priority to go to at least one meeting per week. If I am feeling overwhelmed, I will go to more meetings. I will think of the slogans - just for today and concentrate on whatever I can do about the situation such as looking for a job if I lose mine, etc. I can do something every day but leave what actually will happen to God.
12. How can I stop myself from taking my will back? I will follow the strategy above. If I feel that I am reacting with no cause, I need to read the literature - finding passages that help for the particular issue and also remember to stop and think and breathe. Then I will ask God to help me remove my need to control.
13. What can I do when loved ones make decisions I don't like? I need to step back and stay out of it. I can be available for support and encouragement, but I must allow the consequences to fall as they may because if I don't, I am doing the loving thing and letting that person experience their own lessons in life and learn to become competent.
14. How can I let my loved ones find their own life paths as I am finding mine? I have to remind myself to step back and ask if it directly has a consequence to my well being and if not, I need to let go and allow them to search for their own way just as I once did and still do.
15. What can I do to try to see others as God sees them? I must breathe and relax; then let them be and trust that it will work out. I can step back and look at their good qualities and realize they do have the skills to figure it out alone or they will ask for help. I can't fix them and shouldn't try. They are as they are for a reason and it is their path.
16. How can I express God's will in my actions and words toward others, including the alcoholic? I must control my emotional reactions and strive for peace and understanding. They are in pain, having issues with their own feelings, and uncertain about their path. I can pray that they will find their own way but not push for a crisis for them - just natural consequences of their behavior. I can state my wishes/true feelings but that is it - no nagging or pushing. I must maintain peace.
This was something I resisted in the past as I felt I was in control and coping very nicely thank you. I was doing a great job running away from my pain and avoiding conflict until the pain/crises became too much for this strategy to work. I realized I needed help. The Higher Power is always there and won't let me down as people tend to - no-one can be all things to someone else although I certainly tried to be perfect. I feel an amazing sense of relief since starting Al-Anon. It is a huge burden lifted from my shoulders to understand that I don't have to do it all and am not responsible for the world. I can let go of expectations for others and let them make their own mistakes and have their own joys and hope that perhaps they will find I'm not so awful after all.
2. How do I know who or what my Higher Power is? I feel the power at the meetings and I feel the power when I read the literature and do the work. Insights just keep coming to me as my mind is finally open. I believe this is my higher power speaking. I think of it as God or maybe just my better self or the peace of the others in the program.
3. Am I willing to try to turn my problems over? What could help me to be willing? Yes. I have not solved them the way I've been going. I am so glad to let it go although some days it is still a struggle.
4. How can I stop thinking, trying, and considering, and actually make a decision? I need to remember that so far it has all worked out - even when it's not the way I wanted to - whatever the situation was it has resolved, I have managed to get through. My biggest enemy is my anxiety about the future, but that anxiety doesn't help me so I'm working hard to let it go and think of things to be grateful for in my life and notice something good about the present rather than dwelling on the past and agonizing over the future. I need to pray for guidance for future decisions and let the answer come to me.
5. Have I had a problem making decisions in my life? Give examples. Yes, because they always seem to be wrong, my choice of career, husband, school etc. It always seemed they could have been better and resulted in a better life. I wish many times that I had listened to other people's input but as it came across as unwanted advice, I didn't hear it. I need to stop, think, listen and not let anxiety/crisis/drama take away my power to sort it all through. Now I don't want to do things in the same way so I don't always trust myself either. I have to listen to that voice and feel the real feeling. Often something has told me - anger, resentment, headache, etc., but I usually didn't pay attention to it.
6. If I am unable to make this decision, what holds me back? At first, it was my training and fear that someone will make fun of me for being in this program and turning to a "crutch". However, one of my insights last week is that everyone needs something to lean on at times. Going it on my own or trying to force someone else's solution onto my life doesn't feel right and hasn't worked for me.
7. Do I trust my Higher Power to care for me? Yes - most of the time I feel the peace. Sometimes I have to fight the old feelings off as I start getting anxious - particularly when it involves my children's lives. I've been enmeshed in the old habits so long. My son is particularly resistant to my making changes as he's the one who'll have to start taking up the slack. He gets a lot out of doing nothing and feeling miserable.
8. How might Step Three help me keep my hands off situations created by others? It allows me to back off and let consequences happen as they may without my trying to fix them unless they directly affect my life - such as I'll be the one dealing with a negative consequence such as losing money. Otherwise, I need to mind my own business, stop feeling sorry that my kids aren't going the way I had envisioned, and keep positive thoughts that they will find a way to health and happiness as well as become self supporting in the next 5 years. I don't need to fix everything for them. This isn't good for any of us.
9. What consequences have I had by obsessing on problems and other people? I started feeling resentment about being the giver constantly but nothing coming back to me. I also felt pretty constantly stressed and out of time. I neglected myself, got fat, didn't do anything I liked doing, and felt generally miserable, out of control, powerless, and hopeless.
10. When I "Let Go and Let God" take care of my life, am I willing to follow the guidance I receive? I am willing to listen to that voice because I realize that when I have listened, things have turned out better. When I don't listen, I regret it. Some days will be harder than others.
11. How can I turn a situation over and let go of the results? I have to read the literature and remind myself rather than letting anxiety consume me. I will ask for guidance and not a result because it is possible the result I am asking for is not in the plan for me. I will practice breathing and if I'm in a particularly bad place, I will make a call to my future sponsor or someone on the Al-Anon list as well as attending a meeting. I have made it a priority to go to at least one meeting per week. If I am feeling overwhelmed, I will go to more meetings. I will think of the slogans - just for today and concentrate on whatever I can do about the situation such as looking for a job if I lose mine, etc. I can do something every day but leave what actually will happen to God.
12. How can I stop myself from taking my will back? I will follow the strategy above. If I feel that I am reacting with no cause, I need to read the literature - finding passages that help for the particular issue and also remember to stop and think and breathe. Then I will ask God to help me remove my need to control.
13. What can I do when loved ones make decisions I don't like? I need to step back and stay out of it. I can be available for support and encouragement, but I must allow the consequences to fall as they may because if I don't, I am doing the loving thing and letting that person experience their own lessons in life and learn to become competent.
14. How can I let my loved ones find their own life paths as I am finding mine? I have to remind myself to step back and ask if it directly has a consequence to my well being and if not, I need to let go and allow them to search for their own way just as I once did and still do.
15. What can I do to try to see others as God sees them? I must breathe and relax; then let them be and trust that it will work out. I can step back and look at their good qualities and realize they do have the skills to figure it out alone or they will ask for help. I can't fix them and shouldn't try. They are as they are for a reason and it is their path.
16. How can I express God's will in my actions and words toward others, including the alcoholic? I must control my emotional reactions and strive for peace and understanding. They are in pain, having issues with their own feelings, and uncertain about their path. I can pray that they will find their own way but not push for a crisis for them - just natural consequences of their behavior. I can state my wishes/true feelings but that is it - no nagging or pushing. I must maintain peace.
Step 2 Reflections
1. What is my concept of a Higher Power at this time? I have never been a complete atheist and have sometimes prayed/believed in God/Jesus. As my pain worsened, I felt a presence/voice that spread peace. I am learning to trust that voice as being my real feelings. When I go against the voice, it has not gone well. The main thing I have realized/believe now is that I cannot go through life without help. I could not ask for help - felt strange imposing on others. I would usually only talk to my mom. It seems now though that she can't deal with it/really listen. Maybe she never could, but I'm aware now that she gets anxious and she has to talk, talk, talk so we end up having a conversation about her feelings on her side and mine on mine. I just feel impatient. I have turned to people who weren't capable of being supportive. At last, I feel I have found that place - the Al-Anon group and talking to my Higher Power for guidance.
2. What would it take to allow my concept of a Higher Power to change? It is changing. I am taking leaps of faith and listening to the voice of peace and guidance.
3. Have past experiences affected my concept of a Higher Power? Yes, I was taught to be self reliant and that intellectually God probably doesn't exist. He's a human construct; yet I feel the peace and some things have happened that lead me to believe there is a divide guidance/a universal design. The little prayer I had to say as a child scared me and some parts of organized religion seem intent on producing shame. That part I must reject.
4. What do I hope to gain from accepting the concept of a Power greater than myself? Relief from constant worry about the future - mine, my kids', Orcas property, all of it. The worry doesn't help. It just hurts me and keeps me from sleeping, losing weight, feeling good about my life and myself.
5. Do I sense spiritual guidance in my life? How? I hear a voice and feel a great sense of peace from time to time. People have told me that God asked them to witness to me as God is reaching out to me. It has happened enough that I do feel some presence out there. It is a peaceful one. I feel that the voice is telling me I have run away long enough from my problems. It is time to face them and be done with the pain.
6. How do I describe the Higher Power I found in Al-Anon? I feel it's a sense of relief and peace. I have somewhere to turn for guidance in making decisions. The slogans help change the scripts in my mind. It is highly positive for me.
7. What does "Let Go and Let God" mean to me? It means I can't control other people or the future. I can work on my issues, but I need to put those people and situations into his hands because there's nothing I can do about them by worrying and thinking up possible ways to fix them. I can look for what I can possibly change and let go of the rest.
8. What does faith mean to me? Believing that things will work out even though I have no evidence or proof to support that belief. Actually, they always have worked out - not always the way I wanted but no amount of anxiety influenced what happened.
9. With whom and in what circumstances am I comfortable discussing my spiritual experiences? Mainly in the Al-Anon group. My family are agnostic or atheist and tend to poke fun at people so I don't talk to them about it although my sis in law was receptive to the idea of Al-Anon. I will talk about it to people who are anti believers. Otherwise, I'm not ready to admit my true feelings just to deal with being punched down. I did talk to my husband and stepmother about it, but the other members of my family not really. I can talk about this with fellow Al-Anon members and feel supported and accepted.
10. What might I gain from believing I could be supported and loved a a Power greater than myself? I could feel total acceptance and peace. That is what I feel since coming to Al-Anon. The first few minutes in the first meeting I felt totally disconnected and wondered what this group had to offer me, but suddenly I felt I belonged and that the message was one I needed to hear at that moment. I became open to it and most of the time I have felt much more at peace - not a churning mind of constant crisis and upset.
11. What does "came to believe" mean to me? It means that I began to see that I could not manage my life on my own. I needed help. I needed to reach out to something and someone and admit that I was not in control of circumstances or other people.
12. What does sanity mean to me? It means that I am living in the present and not constantly rocked by emotional reactions and drama. It means that I am not doing crazy things like reacting the exact same way and expecting a change, turning the car around in traffic to insanely try to find a faster way because I can't stand losing time or sitting in a line, panicking in a line, having a panic attack when someone else drops the ball so that I feel I have to pick it up, getting upset because others don't seem committed, wondering if they really care about me and our group. It means feeling at peace with myself and the world. It means not continually thinking the same negative thoughts. It means self control - not gorging, not waiting for someone to shatter my peace, not nagging or begging someone to change his/her behavior, not expecting certain outcomes, not feeling that person is weak in character because they can't stop their addiction or that I am weak because I can't lose weight.
13. How has the alcoholic situation affected my sanity? My life? I learned to take over everything because my ex was passed out on the couch by 8. I couldn't depend on him to work or do any chores. Even when I was very ill, I still had to go out and get milk for our toddler because he wouldn't do anything. I had to lie to his parents when they'd call and wonder why he wasn't home at 6 a.m. It meant living with constant criticism and feeling I would die if I didn't get out of there. It meant watching my children be hurt by a self centered, emotionally distant father. I'm still dealing with the fallout in terms of depressed children who are failing to launch and may have addictions of their own. I am still using the old coping strategies of trying to fix everyone's problems rather than realizing that trying to fix their problems means that I didn't see my own. I knew I was stressed, but I avoided all the pain and emotion by thinking about their needs.
14. Have I allowed the alcoholic situation to become my Higher Power? How? This was a totally unexpected question and I'm not really sure how to answer it. I know that I let the alcoholic control me. I just didn't realize it at the time. I thought I was the strong, responsible one. The one who was coping with everything and getting along just fine - except for the stress, the bad feelings about myself, the horrific weight gain, the lack of time for me, the feeling of being deadened or depressed. I guess this means that since he was in control by refusing to do anything and constantly criticzing me that I was relying on myself to control everything around me and not really noticing that it wasn't possible even though I did realize he wasn't changing at all.
15. Has my thinking become distorted trying to handle the alcoholic behavior? I thought I wasn't good enough. I had become "too big" in his words and wasn't a good cook so I came to the point of fearing cooking for others because I knew it wouldn't be good enough. I felt better when eating uncontrollably but worse at the same time, I began to react to rage that would surprise me. I hadn't realized I was angry. I was looking for happiness outside of myself and sometime in the future.
16. How have I turned to a Power greater than myself in times of great need? Did I call another Al-Anon member? My sponsor? Did I read CAL? Did I go to a meeting? If not, why not? In the past, I would sometimes call my mom and complain. That just reinforced the bad feelings about my ex. I would also pray from time to time. I wasn't ready to try other methods for coping because I felt I was doing the right things. I did go to counseling for a short time where the person told me I was being manipulated and controlled even though I had felt I was the one in control. That was the first time I saw the situation from that perspective, but I though by leaving that I had done the healthy thing. Now I am reading CAL and doing this journal 1-2 hours per day. I am looking for a sponsor. I just don't know the people well enough yet to know who has been there a long time. I have chosen a group now which is local and which I really feel good at. From them, I will search for the sponsor. I have an idea, but I am still working on courage to ask because she did tell me not to take it personally if someone refuses. That makes me think she isn't available, but she did tell me to call. However, it says before 6. That just doesn't work with my schedule so I have to be around the people a bit longer and perhaps try phoning someone - even someone not in that particular group as there were a couple of women at the Wed. group who radiated peace and have been there a long time. I am working on narrowing that down. I almost called when I was feeling really bad. I guess this is a big step for me. I can talk at meetings and socialize afterwards but calling a stranger seems to take more courage than I have. I will attempt to do this next week. There will be time. I am getting familiar with the program and doing as much work as I can between the other obligations. I feel I'm getting some insights and making progress, but before getting to step 5, I need to have found my sponsor.
17. In working this Step, can I describe a Step Two experience to my sponsor or my group? In a written sharing? I feel peaceful now when people talk about a spiritual experience. On Monday, I took a leap of faith and went to work knowing that my tire was losing air. Several people offered to help if needed plus I knew someone could help me change the tire so off I went. I made it, but the tire was completely flat at 4. I was planning on getting to Les Schwab with plenty of time to get it fixed; this would have slowed me down. However, some voice told me to go to the carpet company and ask if someone had tire air. They did! I was on my way in 5 minutes! I listened to the voice. A couple of weeks ago I had a "crazy" morning and turned around on 9 because the line was so long. I got stuck in the mud, but lo and behold someone in a truck stopped and had a winch. He told me to drive safely. He was right there so I only lost 5 minutes. I feel God was trying again to tell me that letting traffic get under my skin is not the right way to live. He has tried telling me before with a road rager hitting me and tearing off my bumper, but I rationalized that one even though I knew I had a part in it because I was angry when he sped up and tried to cut me off even though he'd been quite a ways behind me at the place where 2 lanes come to one. I end up losing more time when I act insane like this!
18. When have I done things over and over; yet expected different results? I keep getting frustrated by traffic yet it happens every day, and I have no control over it. I keep emotionally reacting in hopes it will change the others' behavior, but it never does.
2. What would it take to allow my concept of a Higher Power to change? It is changing. I am taking leaps of faith and listening to the voice of peace and guidance.
3. Have past experiences affected my concept of a Higher Power? Yes, I was taught to be self reliant and that intellectually God probably doesn't exist. He's a human construct; yet I feel the peace and some things have happened that lead me to believe there is a divide guidance/a universal design. The little prayer I had to say as a child scared me and some parts of organized religion seem intent on producing shame. That part I must reject.
4. What do I hope to gain from accepting the concept of a Power greater than myself? Relief from constant worry about the future - mine, my kids', Orcas property, all of it. The worry doesn't help. It just hurts me and keeps me from sleeping, losing weight, feeling good about my life and myself.
5. Do I sense spiritual guidance in my life? How? I hear a voice and feel a great sense of peace from time to time. People have told me that God asked them to witness to me as God is reaching out to me. It has happened enough that I do feel some presence out there. It is a peaceful one. I feel that the voice is telling me I have run away long enough from my problems. It is time to face them and be done with the pain.
6. How do I describe the Higher Power I found in Al-Anon? I feel it's a sense of relief and peace. I have somewhere to turn for guidance in making decisions. The slogans help change the scripts in my mind. It is highly positive for me.
7. What does "Let Go and Let God" mean to me? It means I can't control other people or the future. I can work on my issues, but I need to put those people and situations into his hands because there's nothing I can do about them by worrying and thinking up possible ways to fix them. I can look for what I can possibly change and let go of the rest.
8. What does faith mean to me? Believing that things will work out even though I have no evidence or proof to support that belief. Actually, they always have worked out - not always the way I wanted but no amount of anxiety influenced what happened.
9. With whom and in what circumstances am I comfortable discussing my spiritual experiences? Mainly in the Al-Anon group. My family are agnostic or atheist and tend to poke fun at people so I don't talk to them about it although my sis in law was receptive to the idea of Al-Anon. I will talk about it to people who are anti believers. Otherwise, I'm not ready to admit my true feelings just to deal with being punched down. I did talk to my husband and stepmother about it, but the other members of my family not really. I can talk about this with fellow Al-Anon members and feel supported and accepted.
10. What might I gain from believing I could be supported and loved a a Power greater than myself? I could feel total acceptance and peace. That is what I feel since coming to Al-Anon. The first few minutes in the first meeting I felt totally disconnected and wondered what this group had to offer me, but suddenly I felt I belonged and that the message was one I needed to hear at that moment. I became open to it and most of the time I have felt much more at peace - not a churning mind of constant crisis and upset.
11. What does "came to believe" mean to me? It means that I began to see that I could not manage my life on my own. I needed help. I needed to reach out to something and someone and admit that I was not in control of circumstances or other people.
12. What does sanity mean to me? It means that I am living in the present and not constantly rocked by emotional reactions and drama. It means that I am not doing crazy things like reacting the exact same way and expecting a change, turning the car around in traffic to insanely try to find a faster way because I can't stand losing time or sitting in a line, panicking in a line, having a panic attack when someone else drops the ball so that I feel I have to pick it up, getting upset because others don't seem committed, wondering if they really care about me and our group. It means feeling at peace with myself and the world. It means not continually thinking the same negative thoughts. It means self control - not gorging, not waiting for someone to shatter my peace, not nagging or begging someone to change his/her behavior, not expecting certain outcomes, not feeling that person is weak in character because they can't stop their addiction or that I am weak because I can't lose weight.
13. How has the alcoholic situation affected my sanity? My life? I learned to take over everything because my ex was passed out on the couch by 8. I couldn't depend on him to work or do any chores. Even when I was very ill, I still had to go out and get milk for our toddler because he wouldn't do anything. I had to lie to his parents when they'd call and wonder why he wasn't home at 6 a.m. It meant living with constant criticism and feeling I would die if I didn't get out of there. It meant watching my children be hurt by a self centered, emotionally distant father. I'm still dealing with the fallout in terms of depressed children who are failing to launch and may have addictions of their own. I am still using the old coping strategies of trying to fix everyone's problems rather than realizing that trying to fix their problems means that I didn't see my own. I knew I was stressed, but I avoided all the pain and emotion by thinking about their needs.
14. Have I allowed the alcoholic situation to become my Higher Power? How? This was a totally unexpected question and I'm not really sure how to answer it. I know that I let the alcoholic control me. I just didn't realize it at the time. I thought I was the strong, responsible one. The one who was coping with everything and getting along just fine - except for the stress, the bad feelings about myself, the horrific weight gain, the lack of time for me, the feeling of being deadened or depressed. I guess this means that since he was in control by refusing to do anything and constantly criticzing me that I was relying on myself to control everything around me and not really noticing that it wasn't possible even though I did realize he wasn't changing at all.
15. Has my thinking become distorted trying to handle the alcoholic behavior? I thought I wasn't good enough. I had become "too big" in his words and wasn't a good cook so I came to the point of fearing cooking for others because I knew it wouldn't be good enough. I felt better when eating uncontrollably but worse at the same time, I began to react to rage that would surprise me. I hadn't realized I was angry. I was looking for happiness outside of myself and sometime in the future.
16. How have I turned to a Power greater than myself in times of great need? Did I call another Al-Anon member? My sponsor? Did I read CAL? Did I go to a meeting? If not, why not? In the past, I would sometimes call my mom and complain. That just reinforced the bad feelings about my ex. I would also pray from time to time. I wasn't ready to try other methods for coping because I felt I was doing the right things. I did go to counseling for a short time where the person told me I was being manipulated and controlled even though I had felt I was the one in control. That was the first time I saw the situation from that perspective, but I though by leaving that I had done the healthy thing. Now I am reading CAL and doing this journal 1-2 hours per day. I am looking for a sponsor. I just don't know the people well enough yet to know who has been there a long time. I have chosen a group now which is local and which I really feel good at. From them, I will search for the sponsor. I have an idea, but I am still working on courage to ask because she did tell me not to take it personally if someone refuses. That makes me think she isn't available, but she did tell me to call. However, it says before 6. That just doesn't work with my schedule so I have to be around the people a bit longer and perhaps try phoning someone - even someone not in that particular group as there were a couple of women at the Wed. group who radiated peace and have been there a long time. I am working on narrowing that down. I almost called when I was feeling really bad. I guess this is a big step for me. I can talk at meetings and socialize afterwards but calling a stranger seems to take more courage than I have. I will attempt to do this next week. There will be time. I am getting familiar with the program and doing as much work as I can between the other obligations. I feel I'm getting some insights and making progress, but before getting to step 5, I need to have found my sponsor.
17. In working this Step, can I describe a Step Two experience to my sponsor or my group? In a written sharing? I feel peaceful now when people talk about a spiritual experience. On Monday, I took a leap of faith and went to work knowing that my tire was losing air. Several people offered to help if needed plus I knew someone could help me change the tire so off I went. I made it, but the tire was completely flat at 4. I was planning on getting to Les Schwab with plenty of time to get it fixed; this would have slowed me down. However, some voice told me to go to the carpet company and ask if someone had tire air. They did! I was on my way in 5 minutes! I listened to the voice. A couple of weeks ago I had a "crazy" morning and turned around on 9 because the line was so long. I got stuck in the mud, but lo and behold someone in a truck stopped and had a winch. He told me to drive safely. He was right there so I only lost 5 minutes. I feel God was trying again to tell me that letting traffic get under my skin is not the right way to live. He has tried telling me before with a road rager hitting me and tearing off my bumper, but I rationalized that one even though I knew I had a part in it because I was angry when he sped up and tried to cut me off even though he'd been quite a ways behind me at the place where 2 lanes come to one. I end up losing more time when I act insane like this!
18. When have I done things over and over; yet expected different results? I keep getting frustrated by traffic yet it happens every day, and I have no control over it. I keep emotionally reacting in hopes it will change the others' behavior, but it never does.
Assignment: What I Like/don't Like about Myself
Like:
1. grasp things easily/quick thinker
2. attractive
3. care about people/nice
4. animal lover
5. organized/planner
6. dependable
7. responsible
8. loyal
9. use my time better
10. feel better now that some weight has come off/in shape physically much stronger
11. make goals; stick to them
12. Try to do my best
13. high energy level
Don't Like
1. Find it hard to focus
2. a bit of a pack rat
3. a bit obsessive in the planning/think too much about future
4. worrywart - mind won't turn off so I can sleep - hate the bags under my eyes
5. impatient - particularly with traffic
6. compare myself to others - either sad because I'm lacking or happy because I feel superior
7. don't like the way people drive
8. complain too much about stuff that is unpleasant that takes my time/slave to time
9. was a compulsive eater/recovering - but still don't like all the weight I put on
Most of the time I feel fairly comfortable in my own skin. That was not always the case. The biggest things I don't like: the fat I put on; letting myself get run over by certain people, and my traffic issues.
1. grasp things easily/quick thinker
2. attractive
3. care about people/nice
4. animal lover
5. organized/planner
6. dependable
7. responsible
8. loyal
9. use my time better
10. feel better now that some weight has come off/in shape physically much stronger
11. make goals; stick to them
12. Try to do my best
13. high energy level
Don't Like
1. Find it hard to focus
2. a bit of a pack rat
3. a bit obsessive in the planning/think too much about future
4. worrywart - mind won't turn off so I can sleep - hate the bags under my eyes
5. impatient - particularly with traffic
6. compare myself to others - either sad because I'm lacking or happy because I feel superior
7. don't like the way people drive
8. complain too much about stuff that is unpleasant that takes my time/slave to time
9. was a compulsive eater/recovering - but still don't like all the weight I put on
Most of the time I feel fairly comfortable in my own skin. That was not always the case. The biggest things I don't like: the fat I put on; letting myself get run over by certain people, and my traffic issues.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Daily Check - My Needs
1. What do I need from myself?
a. self control of eating/spending money/save a little for the future
b. exercise but listen to my body - sometimes I just need to rest
c. eat healthy food, sleep
d. at least 30 minutes to relax at night
e. at least 30 minutes per day to work on the issues that hold me back
f. control emotional reactions/think before speak/express the TRUE feeling when it's not hurtful
g. call someone from Al-Anon when feelings are spinning out of control
h. go to meetings weekly at least
**What do I specifically need today?
Listen/Be quiet around Kiku and Kazuya. Think before speak. Ask if Kiku has a storage place number.
Take care of cutting off utilities at Kiku's so I don't have to pay after March 31!
2. What do I need from others?
a. someone else to help with the pets - walk dog, meds to cat
b. split the household/yard chores equally among 3 people in our home
c. not to criticize me constantly
d. no emotional reactions and drama - work on own issues
**What do I specifically need today?
Someone to clean up, give cat meds, walk dog, and make my lunch.
Sent a reasonable request for this to Glen.
My Desires:
1. Kiku gets healthy, goes back to school, and gets a decent career and partner.
2. Keisuke starts with the tutor and gets his GED this year; starts a tech program; then see my wish for Kiku.
3. Enough money to take a "real" vacation every other year and get a second house for our retirement.
4. Save for retirement so it's reasonably comfortable. Start now.
a. self control of eating/spending money/save a little for the future
b. exercise but listen to my body - sometimes I just need to rest
c. eat healthy food, sleep
d. at least 30 minutes to relax at night
e. at least 30 minutes per day to work on the issues that hold me back
f. control emotional reactions/think before speak/express the TRUE feeling when it's not hurtful
g. call someone from Al-Anon when feelings are spinning out of control
h. go to meetings weekly at least
**What do I specifically need today?
Listen/Be quiet around Kiku and Kazuya. Think before speak. Ask if Kiku has a storage place number.
Take care of cutting off utilities at Kiku's so I don't have to pay after March 31!
2. What do I need from others?
a. someone else to help with the pets - walk dog, meds to cat
b. split the household/yard chores equally among 3 people in our home
c. not to criticize me constantly
d. no emotional reactions and drama - work on own issues
**What do I specifically need today?
Someone to clean up, give cat meds, walk dog, and make my lunch.
Sent a reasonable request for this to Glen.
My Desires:
1. Kiku gets healthy, goes back to school, and gets a decent career and partner.
2. Keisuke starts with the tutor and gets his GED this year; starts a tech program; then see my wish for Kiku.
3. Enough money to take a "real" vacation every other year and get a second house for our retirement.
4. Save for retirement so it's reasonably comfortable. Start now.
Injustices I Suffered/Boundary Issues Which Resulted
Resentments fixate us at the point of our pain. We don't have healthy boundaries regarding our rights. Anger is always the response to injustice.
What injustice did I suffer as a child?
1. Universal Criticism: result didn't feel I had the right to feel good about myself or the right to take risks; how does this affect me today? perfectionism, sometimes procrastination, settling for second or third best; inability to make a decision; fear = my decisions weren't allowed, expected to do what told, nothing seemed right - Kazuya never said anything nice to me; Keisuke is now the same
2. Emotional Unavailability of Parent: result: disbelief in true intimacy; don't feel the right to trust; don't feel the right to feel safe; results in superficiality; self sabotage, dependent relationships - dad was never there even when he was home
3. Feelings Were Discounted: Result: distrust; ignorance and self destruction of own feelings which leads to emotional flatness, pretended emotion, sense of estrangement (example: mom calling my love for Dave puppy love)
4. No Touch: disbelief in true intimacy; fear of commitment, dependence in relationships; told I'd be frigid like my mother
5. Body Shame: lost right to self acceptance and right to be flawed; results in obsession about appearance; Grandma's comments about acne, etc., dad's weird compliments; too thin so comments made about that by friends; my mom's friends telling me I would be fat one day, breasts too small, hips too big - these are some of the many boyfriend, friend, or family comments made
6. Shameful Behavior of Parents: dad bragging, dad being rude to people; dad's tantrums; rights lost is right to belong and distrust of authority results in grandiosity, feeling like "on the other side of the tracks", chronic distrust and insecurity
7. Always expected to know but never given the time to learn: lost right to make a mistake or try things without being punished; leads to perfectionism and sense of inferiority (in some people leads to pretended ignorance) I must have decided never to make a mistake - which makes decisions difficult because life is all about mistakes and learning from them. Dad always had to be right. I have this flaw now also. I just know I'm right many times; if the other disagrees, I feel threatened to my core and have to fight for acknowledgement.
8. Learned Acceptance was conditioned on doing things well - such as good grades and doing interesting things; results in loss of right to be imperfect; right to refuse, right to be tired leads to hype responsiblity, denial of pain, people pleasing. Girls have to be nice and nurturing. Girls are victims. Girls are the workers in the house. Girls are not good at math. Girls won't have a major career. Girls are dependent. These are the messages I internalized. I tried so hard to give my own girl self esteem. I wanted to break the cycle, but somehow it all continued. I married a critical, emotionally unavailable man who manipulated and controlled so he'd have to do nothing.
What injustice did I suffer as a child?
1. Universal Criticism: result didn't feel I had the right to feel good about myself or the right to take risks; how does this affect me today? perfectionism, sometimes procrastination, settling for second or third best; inability to make a decision; fear = my decisions weren't allowed, expected to do what told, nothing seemed right - Kazuya never said anything nice to me; Keisuke is now the same
2. Emotional Unavailability of Parent: result: disbelief in true intimacy; don't feel the right to trust; don't feel the right to feel safe; results in superficiality; self sabotage, dependent relationships - dad was never there even when he was home
3. Feelings Were Discounted: Result: distrust; ignorance and self destruction of own feelings which leads to emotional flatness, pretended emotion, sense of estrangement (example: mom calling my love for Dave puppy love)
4. No Touch: disbelief in true intimacy; fear of commitment, dependence in relationships; told I'd be frigid like my mother
5. Body Shame: lost right to self acceptance and right to be flawed; results in obsession about appearance; Grandma's comments about acne, etc., dad's weird compliments; too thin so comments made about that by friends; my mom's friends telling me I would be fat one day, breasts too small, hips too big - these are some of the many boyfriend, friend, or family comments made
6. Shameful Behavior of Parents: dad bragging, dad being rude to people; dad's tantrums; rights lost is right to belong and distrust of authority results in grandiosity, feeling like "on the other side of the tracks", chronic distrust and insecurity
7. Always expected to know but never given the time to learn: lost right to make a mistake or try things without being punished; leads to perfectionism and sense of inferiority (in some people leads to pretended ignorance) I must have decided never to make a mistake - which makes decisions difficult because life is all about mistakes and learning from them. Dad always had to be right. I have this flaw now also. I just know I'm right many times; if the other disagrees, I feel threatened to my core and have to fight for acknowledgement.
8. Learned Acceptance was conditioned on doing things well - such as good grades and doing interesting things; results in loss of right to be imperfect; right to refuse, right to be tired leads to hype responsiblity, denial of pain, people pleasing. Girls have to be nice and nurturing. Girls are victims. Girls are the workers in the house. Girls are not good at math. Girls won't have a major career. Girls are dependent. These are the messages I internalized. I tried so hard to give my own girl self esteem. I wanted to break the cycle, but somehow it all continued. I married a critical, emotionally unavailable man who manipulated and controlled so he'd have to do nothing.
My responsibilities
Solely Mine:
Get to work. Prepare attendance records and notes for each student. Check work related e-mail and respond. Once per quarter prepare a progress report/grade. Maintain written files on students. Write out an activity schedule for each class. Check homework. Stay positive and encouraging. Encourage accountability. Attend and contribute to meetings/discussions. Keep up with French and Japanese studies + some Spanish and German. Shop for my own supplies and materials to use in the classes. Make suggestions for workbooks/textbooks as needed. Other projects as needed such as discuss what makes for success in a language class.
Hiking Club: 100% Kari - needs to be more member support - just don't do stuff if they won't come through and take over food or other chores; if no-one steps up to take over if I can't go, just cancel it - so tough for me but necessary!
Shared Responsibilities and Percentages:
1. Feed and give water to animals. Seems to be mostly me; sometimes Glen.
2. Give Mid his meds. This is 95% on me as no-one else remembers. He got very thin last summer when I was gone a lot.
3. Dog care: walking her, brushing, cleaning, clipping, giving meds = 100% me
4. House cleaning: vacuuming, dusting, sweeping, bathroom cleaning: 90% me - which I feel resentful about; tried doing chore charts before; I work less hours than Glen at work, but he sits around more and sleeps more at home whereas I begin my second job when I walk in the door. Everyone else refuses to clean the bathrooms.
5. Cleaning Dishes: Glen 60%, Keisuke 10%, Kari 40%
6. Laundry: Glen 50+ %, Kari: 50%+; Keisuke doesn't do his so I've just been leaving them - he at least needs to put it together somewhere; hopefully, the longer I leave it, the more likely he'll do it on his own.
7. Keisuke's bathroom: I stopped doing it, but the toilet and floor keep getting ruined from his pee all over
8. mowing the lawn: Kari is over 70%; Glen 30%: Keisuke needs to start doing this.
9. weedeating 2x a month or so in spring - summer: Glen 100%
10: weeding: Kari 95%; Glen 5%: again Keisuke could do this esp. if chooses not to work or go to school
11. hot tub and pool maintenance: 100% Kari - cleans, does chemicals, fills as necessary, deals with filters and pump ongoing issue - no-one else uses much except Keisuke in the summer
12. grocery shopping: Glen 75%; Kari 20%; Keisuke 5% (only with my money)
13. other errands such as toiletries and meds pick up/drop off: Glen 70%; Kari 30%
14. Garbage: Keisuke only takes out his own room's. Glen does 85% of garbage collection and taking out bins. I will take the bags to the cans at least once a week and sometimes do the collection if Glen's not home that night. I typically bring the cans back in.
15. Mail collection: 65% Glen; 45% Kari
16. Dealing with mail/bills: maybe this is 50-50.
17. IRS/Paying for major house stuff: 100% Kari - tired of it I must say
18. other shopping/paying for college: 100% Kari; kid's dad doesn't pay much of anything towards their support/expenses
19 car maintenance: mostly Kari during her off time - breaks in school schedule
20 making appointments: mostly Kari during breaks at work; Glen does some of it on days when I can't so perhaps he does 25% of this
21 cooking 85% me to Keisuke's constant complaints, 10% Keisuke, 5% Glen
Who Brings in the Bacon:
1. I work 9 months a year (considered full time for teaching) and make about 3/4 what Glen brings in. He has no boundaries at work so he works long hours for nothing so he doesn't do as much at home.
Basically, Keisuke needs to pick up some of this if he wants to continue living at our expense once he turns 18. He could do all chores in exchange for his car expenses and free room and board. I have been gradually asking/expecting him to pick up more since all he does is sit in his room watching TV. He won't take care of his meds issue, tutoring, etc.
Glen actually does more than I realize.
Get to work. Prepare attendance records and notes for each student. Check work related e-mail and respond. Once per quarter prepare a progress report/grade. Maintain written files on students. Write out an activity schedule for each class. Check homework. Stay positive and encouraging. Encourage accountability. Attend and contribute to meetings/discussions. Keep up with French and Japanese studies + some Spanish and German. Shop for my own supplies and materials to use in the classes. Make suggestions for workbooks/textbooks as needed. Other projects as needed such as discuss what makes for success in a language class.
Hiking Club: 100% Kari - needs to be more member support - just don't do stuff if they won't come through and take over food or other chores; if no-one steps up to take over if I can't go, just cancel it - so tough for me but necessary!
Shared Responsibilities and Percentages:
1. Feed and give water to animals. Seems to be mostly me; sometimes Glen.
2. Give Mid his meds. This is 95% on me as no-one else remembers. He got very thin last summer when I was gone a lot.
3. Dog care: walking her, brushing, cleaning, clipping, giving meds = 100% me
4. House cleaning: vacuuming, dusting, sweeping, bathroom cleaning: 90% me - which I feel resentful about; tried doing chore charts before; I work less hours than Glen at work, but he sits around more and sleeps more at home whereas I begin my second job when I walk in the door. Everyone else refuses to clean the bathrooms.
5. Cleaning Dishes: Glen 60%, Keisuke 10%, Kari 40%
6. Laundry: Glen 50+ %, Kari: 50%+; Keisuke doesn't do his so I've just been leaving them - he at least needs to put it together somewhere; hopefully, the longer I leave it, the more likely he'll do it on his own.
7. Keisuke's bathroom: I stopped doing it, but the toilet and floor keep getting ruined from his pee all over
8. mowing the lawn: Kari is over 70%; Glen 30%: Keisuke needs to start doing this.
9. weedeating 2x a month or so in spring - summer: Glen 100%
10: weeding: Kari 95%; Glen 5%: again Keisuke could do this esp. if chooses not to work or go to school
11. hot tub and pool maintenance: 100% Kari - cleans, does chemicals, fills as necessary, deals with filters and pump ongoing issue - no-one else uses much except Keisuke in the summer
12. grocery shopping: Glen 75%; Kari 20%; Keisuke 5% (only with my money)
13. other errands such as toiletries and meds pick up/drop off: Glen 70%; Kari 30%
14. Garbage: Keisuke only takes out his own room's. Glen does 85% of garbage collection and taking out bins. I will take the bags to the cans at least once a week and sometimes do the collection if Glen's not home that night. I typically bring the cans back in.
15. Mail collection: 65% Glen; 45% Kari
16. Dealing with mail/bills: maybe this is 50-50.
17. IRS/Paying for major house stuff: 100% Kari - tired of it I must say
18. other shopping/paying for college: 100% Kari; kid's dad doesn't pay much of anything towards their support/expenses
19 car maintenance: mostly Kari during her off time - breaks in school schedule
20 making appointments: mostly Kari during breaks at work; Glen does some of it on days when I can't so perhaps he does 25% of this
21 cooking 85% me to Keisuke's constant complaints, 10% Keisuke, 5% Glen
Who Brings in the Bacon:
1. I work 9 months a year (considered full time for teaching) and make about 3/4 what Glen brings in. He has no boundaries at work so he works long hours for nothing so he doesn't do as much at home.
Basically, Keisuke needs to pick up some of this if he wants to continue living at our expense once he turns 18. He could do all chores in exchange for his car expenses and free room and board. I have been gradually asking/expecting him to pick up more since all he does is sit in his room watching TV. He won't take care of his meds issue, tutoring, etc.
Glen actually does more than I realize.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Step 1 Reflections
1. Do I accept that I cannot control another person's drinking/drug use/behavior? Most of the time I accept this although I still feel the temptation to feel anxious about it. I wonder what will happen to them? Will they be ok? I have to breathe and read my reminders to get through this. The next step I need to take is to actually call someone and then begin looking for a sponsor. Why do I fear calling someone I don't know? Am I worried they will think I'm awful, stupid, imposing on their time? Is that what I really think of other people? Am I judging always in this way? Perhaps because I felt my father never had time for me and resented any time I took from him and patronized everyone and the fact that my friends wouldn't go with me places because they always waited for some better offer so I began to resent people not wanting to do things with me and also to feel that something about me made them not want to. I think I'm off topic. I do accept that I can't do anything, but it will take constant vigilance to fight my own anxiety.
2. How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics, and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine? I intellectually know this to be true, but emotionally I can't always understand how someone can choose to opt out of life and just pass out/veg on the couch with TV. I am not quiet enough in my brain to really listen and observe. My goal needs to be to remain quiet and watch and try to understand.
3. Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? Hows does that change the way I deal with a drinker? Yes, I have done a lot of reading on alcoholism and addiction. I have seen it listed as primarily a disease of feelings, but I also know there's a compulsion to drink. I can somewhat relate to addictions because I don't feel good if I don't exercise and I used to binge eat and gained a lot of weight. I'd feel good for a few minutes; then really bad. I know the alcoholic/addict has a lot of guilt just like I do about the food issue. I am working on staying out of people's faces about their addictions and trying instead to listen and change myself. My being peaceful does seem to keep the chaos level at home much lower.
4. How Have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences? I have yelled and screamed about that person's weak character, threatened to leave, cried, tried using guilt like look at the money you're wasting, how can you be so selfish. Nothing has changed, but it created a lot of emotional drama. Worrying has done nothing to help either. I have also bent over backwards trying to do things that I thought would make the person happy, but it never seemed to.
5. What might work better to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met? Quiet, simple statements about my true feelings with no request for the other person to change. Let natural consequences apply - stop rescuing. Protect my money, etc. and not give it to someone when I don't feel I should have to. Stop explaining and defending my actions. I don't need to. Work on achieving peace myself by detaching from the entanglements with others. Wait until they ask me for help - don't offer it.
6. How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to do/be what I want? Mainly I feel anxious because I don't know what will happen in the future, but I also feel anger, sadness, and resentment as to why I have spent so much time and done so much that was unappreciated, how I have gone into debt, not had the things I wanted with my money, how I feel controlled and manipulated because that person got what they needed by negative means, and I let it happen.
7. What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcholic or anyone else? I have already experienced a tremendous sense of relief. It frees me to do things for myself, and I have started planning my food, controlling myself more, and using my brain again. However, I sometimes feel sucked into the old responses and the anxiety. I just found out that an account of mine with lots of money was set up in a way I didn't realize so technically my son and daughter own that money. I am upset and scared as that really is my money. I would have been happy to share it had they chosen to go to school. Now I want that money in case I'd like to buy my dream property, but I have to get them to sign off on it. I'm afraid that I raised monsters with no conscience, but I don't want to think my kids are really capable of stealing from me even though my daughter did just that so now I have fear. I can't do anything about it but pray that it turns out ok in the end. It's there in the back of my mind. I'm repeating reminders to myself.
8. How can I let go of others' problems instead of trying to solve them? I know I can't stand it when someone offers me advise when all I really wanted was for someone to listen. I also realize I'm guilty of offering advise in that same situation. Yesterday, I did well about just listening and showing I was listening rather than jumping in there with solutions. I can't be sure that something that would work for me would work in that person's life. I need to back off, use reflective listening - hearing the emotion but not always thinking of how I can respond with something helpful. Just reflecting what they're saying helps them come to their own solution. That certainly works for me, and I just feel obstinate and irritated when someone jumps in there and takes over for me as I feel disrespected. I didn't realize I was guilty of the same behavior! Stop, Be Quiet, Listen, Think!
9. Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one? Of course, I would love to wave a magic wand and have them all go away, but there will just be new ones. I've finally realized that life is not problem free, the future is not some magical paradise, this is what life is - little frustrations every single day, moments of peace and joy, and some big crises/changes from time to time. There is no quick fix. I will be working this program the rest of my life if I want to achieve and maintain peace and sanity.
10. In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for others? The hiking group - I want to try to please all of them, but mostly they don't step up to please me or even really help out. I wanted this group so I wouldn't be going solo so in the end I just need to try to please myself and if no-one joins me, look around for other things I could do. Mostly someone goes so even though I wonder why that activity doesn't excite them, I need to let that go and say they don't need to do this activity. I also feel this for my children as I started out as a mom with totally dependent babies; now I realize I have to let go of the expectations I formed by watching their abilities. I have to watch them struggle and not step in. If I step in and rescue, they've lost their chance to learn. By wanting to make life easier for them than it was for me, I ended up harming them.
11. In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment about another's behavior? When my kids don't show up for appointments I made based on their request. I feel like their bad manners reflects poorly on my parenting rather than on their own character. Anything they do that seems rude or irresponsible feels like others will criticize me as there are so many things blamed on parents "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree" kinds of comments really hooked me. I also am embarrassed when Glen or my father go around bragging about themselves or teaching others what to do. Glen really exaggerates also as he never even finished a quarter at that university yet he always puffs himself up when talking to others. I hate the lies. I guess he does it to feel better about himself and doesn't see anything good about himself but the glorious past as an athlete and the regrets that he didn't get farther with it due to injuries and damn poor choices in his life. I think others believe I myself am stupid for having married someone like that. I hate to feel stupid. I also am hyper responsible so I don't like anyone to think I'm not.
12. What brought me into Al-Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed? My daughter was having difficulties that appeared to show a serious problem/drug addiction, and I was in pain. I was looking for a place where I could talk about my problems without feeling I was imposing on anyone. I feel that I gained a place like that and more. I found relief and the realization that I am not alone. My behaviors are understandable. No-one is judging me. I am finding the courage to change me and seeing that I was avoiding conflicts and problems, but they weren't really going away. It was my time to start learning life's lessons.
13. Who has expressed concern about my behavior or my health? No-one. However, an extremely dysfunctional friend told me I must have a touch of Asperger's. At first, I thought, "Now there's the kettle calling the pot black", but I realized I did demonstrate out of control behavior one time when I was super exhausted and she had been on one of her nasty tears for hours. Also, someone told me that I could learn to control my response to other people's nastiness. She happens to generate peaceful feelings so even though I felt that wasn't a sympathetic response to what had happened, I thought about it long enough to realize it was true.
14. How do I know when my life is unmanageable? I become so stressed that I am stuck. I can't think what to do, my heart is pounding, I have a panic attack.
15. How have I sought approval and affirmation from others? I try to do things I know they will like. I change an activity to see if it attracts more people or makes them express happiness or even just go with me somewhere. I spend time trying to make food the exact way my son makes it just to see if for once he'll say he likes it. I used to get perfect grades to see if my dad might just once say I did something well or give me a compliment. I did those things with my alcoholic husband also, but I usually didn't get the approval I looked for. I sometimes received compliments from teachers or other students about my intelligence, the only one to see whatever it was, etc. I also tried to keep myself thin and was extremely attractive so that was a way to get noticed. For awhile, I was posting trip reports all the time even though it took too much time and stressed me out a bit just so I could get responses from other hikers. I also would like to get compliments on lessons or teaching now and then - just not a job that gets lots of compliments - only complaints. My old job was one in which I could get more attaboys. It also feels good when others notice the weight loss.
16. Do I say "yes" when I want to say no? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this? Yes, I do this. I really don't want to give money/buy expensive brand names for my children, but I find it difficult to deal with the scenes which result. I feel awful when I give in to something again. I also hate the merrygoround of blame/criticism when I don't speak up and say I don't like that behavior in class or at home. I build up resentments, feel I hate the people involved, want them out of my life, get into debt which causes stress, have to listen to students disrupting the lesson, in short I feel out of control.
17. Do I take care of others easily, but find it's difficult to take care of myself? Yes, I do too much for other people, but little by little I've been giving myself time to do activities I love. I feel better when I make that time instead of dropping everything at the last minute to run errands, clean up a teenager's mess etc. I had a hard time feeling it was ok to say no to those last minute things and being gone for my own activities, but I feel saner when I get away from time to time and enjoy hiking/having some wine and soaking in some beauty and peace with friends. I have been doing much better about putting healthy food in my body and taking good care of it.
18. How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis? I feel peaceful when all is smooth and happy, but sometimes I wonder how long is it before someone does something that jerks my chain. It's not what I would call continual, but some days I feel anxiety like some feeling that something will crash this smooth period. I don't feel good in a crisis. Yes, I can cope, but it's just survival. I think I appreciate more the peaceful, boring moments of life. My highs are great vacations, hiking, etc. and just taking the moment to enjoy the sun or flowers. I feel so stressed now in any crisis that it's hard to deal with it. I have had too many hit me at the same time and just feel overwhelmed.
19. How do I feel when I'm alone? Wonderful! I love and enjoy quiet time. Only sometimes such as after the death of my do did being alone bother me? I sometimes worry about personal safety when alone - especially out in the woods, but mostly I treasure alone time and don't need another person to entertain me or make me feel good.
20. What is the difference between pity and love? Pity feels sorry for because that person isn't in a good place; love is equal and means you encourage and hope for the best for that person rather than expecting them to solve your problems or you theirs. It's a mutual vulnerability and care for each other. No-one is superior.
21. Am I attracted to people who need to be fixed? Absolutely. I get hooked by something in certain people, and I believe it is a subconscious need to rescue. I seemed to be attracted to the "brooding, dark" type for men - also the emotionally unavailable type - I guess it reminds me of my dad. I was trained to have to work for love and approval. I also tend to gravitate to friends who are unstable. I have lots of healthy friends, but I definitely have some needy ones. I also seem to be hooked by the need to please when someone says they don't like a plan for an activity and asks me to change it. It's taking real work to say in a neutral manner that the plan stays - can't change for every individual - either go as it or don't go. I've said don't even sign up if you're going to drop at the last minute. I'd rather you wait until you're committed because I find it aggravating when people drop at the last second simply because they find something they'd rather do, but I feel bad about being honest about that feeling/need. I wonder if it chased that person away, but I realize that if it did, they aren't really a friend or a part of our group. They're just the hangers on who don't want to commit or make any effort. I don't need that type in my life. It's time to jettison. Reaching out to people in pain and saying I am thinking about them is much different than feeling their pain/dealing with their struggle for them. One is being a friend; the other is controlling. It is a fine line that I still blur/not quite sure, but I'm learning to trust that if I feel resentful and that the other person isn't giving anything to the relationship, that I'm best off backing away also.
22. Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are? I feel I've made so many bad decisions and almost was paralyzed by decision making - probably because I wasn't allowed a say as a child and any time I expressed a true feeling, it was shot down. I do hear an inner voice; sometimes I've gone against it and EVERY time I have regretted it. I can't do things just because I think it's the nice thing to do. I always resent it or it turns out poorly in some way. I'm learning to remind myself to listen to that voice and to my feelings. They tell me what to do if I let them. I'm starting to allow myself to feel some of them rather than running away from them. The literature helps me to release and face them.
2. How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics, and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine? I intellectually know this to be true, but emotionally I can't always understand how someone can choose to opt out of life and just pass out/veg on the couch with TV. I am not quiet enough in my brain to really listen and observe. My goal needs to be to remain quiet and watch and try to understand.
3. Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? Hows does that change the way I deal with a drinker? Yes, I have done a lot of reading on alcoholism and addiction. I have seen it listed as primarily a disease of feelings, but I also know there's a compulsion to drink. I can somewhat relate to addictions because I don't feel good if I don't exercise and I used to binge eat and gained a lot of weight. I'd feel good for a few minutes; then really bad. I know the alcoholic/addict has a lot of guilt just like I do about the food issue. I am working on staying out of people's faces about their addictions and trying instead to listen and change myself. My being peaceful does seem to keep the chaos level at home much lower.
4. How Have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences? I have yelled and screamed about that person's weak character, threatened to leave, cried, tried using guilt like look at the money you're wasting, how can you be so selfish. Nothing has changed, but it created a lot of emotional drama. Worrying has done nothing to help either. I have also bent over backwards trying to do things that I thought would make the person happy, but it never seemed to.
5. What might work better to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met? Quiet, simple statements about my true feelings with no request for the other person to change. Let natural consequences apply - stop rescuing. Protect my money, etc. and not give it to someone when I don't feel I should have to. Stop explaining and defending my actions. I don't need to. Work on achieving peace myself by detaching from the entanglements with others. Wait until they ask me for help - don't offer it.
6. How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to do/be what I want? Mainly I feel anxious because I don't know what will happen in the future, but I also feel anger, sadness, and resentment as to why I have spent so much time and done so much that was unappreciated, how I have gone into debt, not had the things I wanted with my money, how I feel controlled and manipulated because that person got what they needed by negative means, and I let it happen.
7. What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcholic or anyone else? I have already experienced a tremendous sense of relief. It frees me to do things for myself, and I have started planning my food, controlling myself more, and using my brain again. However, I sometimes feel sucked into the old responses and the anxiety. I just found out that an account of mine with lots of money was set up in a way I didn't realize so technically my son and daughter own that money. I am upset and scared as that really is my money. I would have been happy to share it had they chosen to go to school. Now I want that money in case I'd like to buy my dream property, but I have to get them to sign off on it. I'm afraid that I raised monsters with no conscience, but I don't want to think my kids are really capable of stealing from me even though my daughter did just that so now I have fear. I can't do anything about it but pray that it turns out ok in the end. It's there in the back of my mind. I'm repeating reminders to myself.
8. How can I let go of others' problems instead of trying to solve them? I know I can't stand it when someone offers me advise when all I really wanted was for someone to listen. I also realize I'm guilty of offering advise in that same situation. Yesterday, I did well about just listening and showing I was listening rather than jumping in there with solutions. I can't be sure that something that would work for me would work in that person's life. I need to back off, use reflective listening - hearing the emotion but not always thinking of how I can respond with something helpful. Just reflecting what they're saying helps them come to their own solution. That certainly works for me, and I just feel obstinate and irritated when someone jumps in there and takes over for me as I feel disrespected. I didn't realize I was guilty of the same behavior! Stop, Be Quiet, Listen, Think!
9. Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one? Of course, I would love to wave a magic wand and have them all go away, but there will just be new ones. I've finally realized that life is not problem free, the future is not some magical paradise, this is what life is - little frustrations every single day, moments of peace and joy, and some big crises/changes from time to time. There is no quick fix. I will be working this program the rest of my life if I want to achieve and maintain peace and sanity.
10. In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for others? The hiking group - I want to try to please all of them, but mostly they don't step up to please me or even really help out. I wanted this group so I wouldn't be going solo so in the end I just need to try to please myself and if no-one joins me, look around for other things I could do. Mostly someone goes so even though I wonder why that activity doesn't excite them, I need to let that go and say they don't need to do this activity. I also feel this for my children as I started out as a mom with totally dependent babies; now I realize I have to let go of the expectations I formed by watching their abilities. I have to watch them struggle and not step in. If I step in and rescue, they've lost their chance to learn. By wanting to make life easier for them than it was for me, I ended up harming them.
11. In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment about another's behavior? When my kids don't show up for appointments I made based on their request. I feel like their bad manners reflects poorly on my parenting rather than on their own character. Anything they do that seems rude or irresponsible feels like others will criticize me as there are so many things blamed on parents "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree" kinds of comments really hooked me. I also am embarrassed when Glen or my father go around bragging about themselves or teaching others what to do. Glen really exaggerates also as he never even finished a quarter at that university yet he always puffs himself up when talking to others. I hate the lies. I guess he does it to feel better about himself and doesn't see anything good about himself but the glorious past as an athlete and the regrets that he didn't get farther with it due to injuries and damn poor choices in his life. I think others believe I myself am stupid for having married someone like that. I hate to feel stupid. I also am hyper responsible so I don't like anyone to think I'm not.
12. What brought me into Al-Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed? My daughter was having difficulties that appeared to show a serious problem/drug addiction, and I was in pain. I was looking for a place where I could talk about my problems without feeling I was imposing on anyone. I feel that I gained a place like that and more. I found relief and the realization that I am not alone. My behaviors are understandable. No-one is judging me. I am finding the courage to change me and seeing that I was avoiding conflicts and problems, but they weren't really going away. It was my time to start learning life's lessons.
13. Who has expressed concern about my behavior or my health? No-one. However, an extremely dysfunctional friend told me I must have a touch of Asperger's. At first, I thought, "Now there's the kettle calling the pot black", but I realized I did demonstrate out of control behavior one time when I was super exhausted and she had been on one of her nasty tears for hours. Also, someone told me that I could learn to control my response to other people's nastiness. She happens to generate peaceful feelings so even though I felt that wasn't a sympathetic response to what had happened, I thought about it long enough to realize it was true.
14. How do I know when my life is unmanageable? I become so stressed that I am stuck. I can't think what to do, my heart is pounding, I have a panic attack.
15. How have I sought approval and affirmation from others? I try to do things I know they will like. I change an activity to see if it attracts more people or makes them express happiness or even just go with me somewhere. I spend time trying to make food the exact way my son makes it just to see if for once he'll say he likes it. I used to get perfect grades to see if my dad might just once say I did something well or give me a compliment. I did those things with my alcoholic husband also, but I usually didn't get the approval I looked for. I sometimes received compliments from teachers or other students about my intelligence, the only one to see whatever it was, etc. I also tried to keep myself thin and was extremely attractive so that was a way to get noticed. For awhile, I was posting trip reports all the time even though it took too much time and stressed me out a bit just so I could get responses from other hikers. I also would like to get compliments on lessons or teaching now and then - just not a job that gets lots of compliments - only complaints. My old job was one in which I could get more attaboys. It also feels good when others notice the weight loss.
16. Do I say "yes" when I want to say no? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this? Yes, I do this. I really don't want to give money/buy expensive brand names for my children, but I find it difficult to deal with the scenes which result. I feel awful when I give in to something again. I also hate the merrygoround of blame/criticism when I don't speak up and say I don't like that behavior in class or at home. I build up resentments, feel I hate the people involved, want them out of my life, get into debt which causes stress, have to listen to students disrupting the lesson, in short I feel out of control.
17. Do I take care of others easily, but find it's difficult to take care of myself? Yes, I do too much for other people, but little by little I've been giving myself time to do activities I love. I feel better when I make that time instead of dropping everything at the last minute to run errands, clean up a teenager's mess etc. I had a hard time feeling it was ok to say no to those last minute things and being gone for my own activities, but I feel saner when I get away from time to time and enjoy hiking/having some wine and soaking in some beauty and peace with friends. I have been doing much better about putting healthy food in my body and taking good care of it.
18. How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis? I feel peaceful when all is smooth and happy, but sometimes I wonder how long is it before someone does something that jerks my chain. It's not what I would call continual, but some days I feel anxiety like some feeling that something will crash this smooth period. I don't feel good in a crisis. Yes, I can cope, but it's just survival. I think I appreciate more the peaceful, boring moments of life. My highs are great vacations, hiking, etc. and just taking the moment to enjoy the sun or flowers. I feel so stressed now in any crisis that it's hard to deal with it. I have had too many hit me at the same time and just feel overwhelmed.
19. How do I feel when I'm alone? Wonderful! I love and enjoy quiet time. Only sometimes such as after the death of my do did being alone bother me? I sometimes worry about personal safety when alone - especially out in the woods, but mostly I treasure alone time and don't need another person to entertain me or make me feel good.
20. What is the difference between pity and love? Pity feels sorry for because that person isn't in a good place; love is equal and means you encourage and hope for the best for that person rather than expecting them to solve your problems or you theirs. It's a mutual vulnerability and care for each other. No-one is superior.
21. Am I attracted to people who need to be fixed? Absolutely. I get hooked by something in certain people, and I believe it is a subconscious need to rescue. I seemed to be attracted to the "brooding, dark" type for men - also the emotionally unavailable type - I guess it reminds me of my dad. I was trained to have to work for love and approval. I also tend to gravitate to friends who are unstable. I have lots of healthy friends, but I definitely have some needy ones. I also seem to be hooked by the need to please when someone says they don't like a plan for an activity and asks me to change it. It's taking real work to say in a neutral manner that the plan stays - can't change for every individual - either go as it or don't go. I've said don't even sign up if you're going to drop at the last minute. I'd rather you wait until you're committed because I find it aggravating when people drop at the last second simply because they find something they'd rather do, but I feel bad about being honest about that feeling/need. I wonder if it chased that person away, but I realize that if it did, they aren't really a friend or a part of our group. They're just the hangers on who don't want to commit or make any effort. I don't need that type in my life. It's time to jettison. Reaching out to people in pain and saying I am thinking about them is much different than feeling their pain/dealing with their struggle for them. One is being a friend; the other is controlling. It is a fine line that I still blur/not quite sure, but I'm learning to trust that if I feel resentful and that the other person isn't giving anything to the relationship, that I'm best off backing away also.
22. Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are? I feel I've made so many bad decisions and almost was paralyzed by decision making - probably because I wasn't allowed a say as a child and any time I expressed a true feeling, it was shot down. I do hear an inner voice; sometimes I've gone against it and EVERY time I have regretted it. I can't do things just because I think it's the nice thing to do. I always resent it or it turns out poorly in some way. I'm learning to remind myself to listen to that voice and to my feelings. They tell me what to do if I let them. I'm starting to allow myself to feel some of them rather than running away from them. The literature helps me to release and face them.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Some Insights
Last night as I drove home from the meeting, I thought about how my brother would say relying on a higher power is a crutch. For a moment, I felt bad about it until an "aha" moment occurred - we were taught to be so self reliant, but EVERYONE needs someone/something to help them out. We all need support so whatever works to improve our lives is not a crutch and even if it is, that is NOT something negative. We wouldn't expect a person with a broken leg to go without crutches. We need crutches.
This morning I realized again that my mother was not without responsibility in the poison atmosphere of our family. Those nips her mother used to take every time she went to the kitchen meant that she was most likely an alcoholic. We west coast relatives weren't around enough to realize it/didn't have that kind of education as a kid, but that explains a lot of her feistiness and every 10 minutes asking if she could get us something. It was a form of bullying/caretaking and also hoping for an excuse to go get another nip. My cousin says she was definitely an alcoholic. None of my other relatives drank so I always thought there was no alcoholism in our family, but it was there. My mom suffered even though she always paints an idyllic portrait of her childhood. Why else would both sisters have chosen damaged men - my uncle even worse than my father. My father was abused - physically and emotionally. Mostly his form of abuse to us was never to give approval. Our family disease has gone down all the generations. I thought it would stop with me, but somehow I chose damaged men again. My kids show more signs of trauma than I did or they express it differently. I was too scared to not succeed/achieve in terms of school. It was one place where I did get approval I suppose.
This morning I realized again that my mother was not without responsibility in the poison atmosphere of our family. Those nips her mother used to take every time she went to the kitchen meant that she was most likely an alcoholic. We west coast relatives weren't around enough to realize it/didn't have that kind of education as a kid, but that explains a lot of her feistiness and every 10 minutes asking if she could get us something. It was a form of bullying/caretaking and also hoping for an excuse to go get another nip. My cousin says she was definitely an alcoholic. None of my other relatives drank so I always thought there was no alcoholism in our family, but it was there. My mom suffered even though she always paints an idyllic portrait of her childhood. Why else would both sisters have chosen damaged men - my uncle even worse than my father. My father was abused - physically and emotionally. Mostly his form of abuse to us was never to give approval. Our family disease has gone down all the generations. I thought it would stop with me, but somehow I chose damaged men again. My kids show more signs of trauma than I did or they express it differently. I was too scared to not succeed/achieve in terms of school. It was one place where I did get approval I suppose.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Activites Which Make Me Feel Peaceful - to practice on tough days
I react mainly to my son, daughter, and husband's behavior. I interact with them the most. I also react to traffic and student behavior.
If I felt I could choose who to act towards them, it would be peaceful, loving, and truly accepting. I am learning to breathe and chant slogans to myself to attain that peace because some of my reactions to traffic were really crazy. I don't realize I have so much pent up anger until someone cuts me off in traffic. I would just holler, sometimes I'd try not to let them cut me off or follow too closely to show them - revenge. Once I turned around to get out of the long line, but I got stuck in the mud on the other side. It's just lucky someone with a wench was right there. I was embarrassed, and it would have taken me so much longer to get to work if he hadn't been there. I guess God took pity on me and/or used it as another lesson but softened the impact.
Activities which make me feel peaceful: breathing, practicing the what am I grateful for, physical activity, reading a good book, watching a movie.
If I have a difficult day, the things I could do: sit in hot tub, walk the dog, pet the cats, read, watch a favorite movie, call someone from Al-Anon. I could do all this instead of my usual venting which really bothers my husband as he takes it all personally. It also adds to my son's stress load and actually to my stress load when I overfocus on my anxiety. I can chant slogans to myself, get out the literature and meditate on it. The main thing I don't want to do and have done pretty well with is not eat to feel better because in the end I feel worse when I overeat. I can't sleep well with heavy food in my stomach and I don't like being overweight. Hiking in beautiful places and kayaking also are peaceful, but I have to watch my tendency to go into my head and not see what's around me. It's too easy to go to that zone, but I have begun to be conscious of it and say Stop!
If I felt I could choose who to act towards them, it would be peaceful, loving, and truly accepting. I am learning to breathe and chant slogans to myself to attain that peace because some of my reactions to traffic were really crazy. I don't realize I have so much pent up anger until someone cuts me off in traffic. I would just holler, sometimes I'd try not to let them cut me off or follow too closely to show them - revenge. Once I turned around to get out of the long line, but I got stuck in the mud on the other side. It's just lucky someone with a wench was right there. I was embarrassed, and it would have taken me so much longer to get to work if he hadn't been there. I guess God took pity on me and/or used it as another lesson but softened the impact.
Activities which make me feel peaceful: breathing, practicing the what am I grateful for, physical activity, reading a good book, watching a movie.
If I have a difficult day, the things I could do: sit in hot tub, walk the dog, pet the cats, read, watch a favorite movie, call someone from Al-Anon. I could do all this instead of my usual venting which really bothers my husband as he takes it all personally. It also adds to my son's stress load and actually to my stress load when I overfocus on my anxiety. I can chant slogans to myself, get out the literature and meditate on it. The main thing I don't want to do and have done pretty well with is not eat to feel better because in the end I feel worse when I overeat. I can't sleep well with heavy food in my stomach and I don't like being overweight. Hiking in beautiful places and kayaking also are peaceful, but I have to watch my tendency to go into my head and not see what's around me. It's too easy to go to that zone, but I have begun to be conscious of it and say Stop!
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Things for Which I am Grateful
1. my family
2. my pets
3. my house
4. enough money to buy healthier food
5. my friends
6. my hiking group
7. Al Anon
8. my kayak
9. books
10. movies
11. music
12. some TV programs I like
13. relaxation time
14. days off
15. backpacking in beautiful spots with great people
16. social time
17. got off 30 lbs - rest isn't going but not gaining 10 a year these days either
18. spent money on stuff for me - books, DVDs, cute clothing, outdoor gear
19. great coworkers
20 good job that is mostly enjoyable and a healthy atmosphere of caring
21. each day that my kids, mom, friends are still alive and healthy
22. people appreciating my efforts and expressing that
23. each minute that I don't get angry at bad traffic
24. each time I feel peace
25. sleeping at least 6 hours per night now
2. my pets
3. my house
4. enough money to buy healthier food
5. my friends
6. my hiking group
7. Al Anon
8. my kayak
9. books
10. movies
11. music
12. some TV programs I like
13. relaxation time
14. days off
15. backpacking in beautiful spots with great people
16. social time
17. got off 30 lbs - rest isn't going but not gaining 10 a year these days either
18. spent money on stuff for me - books, DVDs, cute clothing, outdoor gear
19. great coworkers
20 good job that is mostly enjoyable and a healthy atmosphere of caring
21. each day that my kids, mom, friends are still alive and healthy
22. people appreciating my efforts and expressing that
23. each minute that I don't get angry at bad traffic
24. each time I feel peace
25. sleeping at least 6 hours per night now
How do I feel about changing myself?
Relief, able to breathe, scared that I can't stay strong, worried that the world will fall apart if I back off :D, sleeping better, angry at myself if I didn't stay strong.
I actually believe that others (particularly son) will resist my changing as being predictable is what they counted on from me. I think some people in the group will leave, but I have to realize those weren't friends anyhow. I think my son enjoys the upset and his control over me in some way, but I also think it hurts him as his heart is good. He's depressed all the time and feels I haven't been a good parent. That hurt and I accepted it for awhile until I thought of all the good I had done and then how I bent over backward to help me. Yes, that part went too far. It was my idea of how I was to be supportive and encouraging, but I have backed off a lot and have been letting him make choices and fall on his face. I worry he won't ever get back up, but there are a lot of years of healing that could happen. He's smart enough to figure out how to do things or to ask for help. His sister is too. Somehow I figured out how to do things even though my mother had pretty much done everything for me so if I could do it, they can also. Every time I managed I felt stronger and more able to deal with the next thing - up until the waves of crises these past few years - then little things would send me over the edge. If I'm not always going over the edge, I think life will be better. I deserve a calmer life. I thought I just had to endure until I could kick out my son at 18, but really I shouldn't have to endure. He was holding it over my head about how I was legally responsible until then. If he acts out at 18, I will let him feel the consequences but didn't feel I could until then - 3 months now. However, I found Al-Anon and realized I can start making it better now and letting him experience some discomfort as well as learning to do more self care.
When I started getting in control of my eating 3 years ago, my husband sabotaged me at every turn. I think he feared I would leave if I became healthier or that I would attract/find another man.
It's scary, but what I really feel most is an overwhelming sense of peace and comfort since starting this process. I want to be healthy! Although I must admit there is this little nagging ulterior motive of maybe if I'm better, the others will follow. I realize I have to let go of that as that is controlling and influencing. I have to say until I believe it that I am doing this for me and my sanity and health! FOR ME Of course, it's a great side benefit if they also start doing something positive with their lives - even if it's not the path I foresaw, but this is for me, for me, for me!!!!
I actually believe that others (particularly son) will resist my changing as being predictable is what they counted on from me. I think some people in the group will leave, but I have to realize those weren't friends anyhow. I think my son enjoys the upset and his control over me in some way, but I also think it hurts him as his heart is good. He's depressed all the time and feels I haven't been a good parent. That hurt and I accepted it for awhile until I thought of all the good I had done and then how I bent over backward to help me. Yes, that part went too far. It was my idea of how I was to be supportive and encouraging, but I have backed off a lot and have been letting him make choices and fall on his face. I worry he won't ever get back up, but there are a lot of years of healing that could happen. He's smart enough to figure out how to do things or to ask for help. His sister is too. Somehow I figured out how to do things even though my mother had pretty much done everything for me so if I could do it, they can also. Every time I managed I felt stronger and more able to deal with the next thing - up until the waves of crises these past few years - then little things would send me over the edge. If I'm not always going over the edge, I think life will be better. I deserve a calmer life. I thought I just had to endure until I could kick out my son at 18, but really I shouldn't have to endure. He was holding it over my head about how I was legally responsible until then. If he acts out at 18, I will let him feel the consequences but didn't feel I could until then - 3 months now. However, I found Al-Anon and realized I can start making it better now and letting him experience some discomfort as well as learning to do more self care.
When I started getting in control of my eating 3 years ago, my husband sabotaged me at every turn. I think he feared I would leave if I became healthier or that I would attract/find another man.
It's scary, but what I really feel most is an overwhelming sense of peace and comfort since starting this process. I want to be healthy! Although I must admit there is this little nagging ulterior motive of maybe if I'm better, the others will follow. I realize I have to let go of that as that is controlling and influencing. I have to say until I believe it that I am doing this for me and my sanity and health! FOR ME Of course, it's a great side benefit if they also start doing something positive with their lives - even if it's not the path I foresaw, but this is for me, for me, for me!!!!
Changing Myself - Codependent Behaviors Task p 54
Caretaking Behavior - Yes! felt responsible for others' choices and behavior, feel deeply for another's problem, try to fix it, feel angry when it's not appreciated, anticipate needs like always contacted daughter thinking she was out of gas/money - didn't wait for her to come to me, wondered why people didn't care about my big day, don't want to run son's errands but do it anyway, work hard to please people like dad, ex, son but often can't get a pleased response, sacrifice my wants, feel many years were wasted as kids didn't turn out, feel harried often - too much to do, stress out about things like taxes as I have to do them, feel used, excuse it by how needy person is
Low Self Worth (even though I usually don't feel that's the case, but on this checklist, I exhibit many of those symptoms) Yes - come from repressed family, grandma and dad didn't value girls, blamed myself for a lot and let other people blame me also, pick on my bad features esp. the weight I gained the second child, never think I'm quite good enough at my job - don't like to have people observe me for this reason, fear rejection, feel the part of powerless victim occasionally, sometimes feel I can't do anything right, life has sometimes seemed one big pain or crisis after another, feel good when help others, keep wishing something good would finally happen, sometimes feel need to prove myself - certain type of person sets this off but I'm not sure what vibes I get - seems they say something critical about the plan I've made or act patronizing, don't always feel like people like me
Repressed Feelings = somewhat true - don't always say what's on my mind for fear of reactions - after all I have physically been hurt for saying them
Obsession = Yes = feel terribly anxious about kids' problems and future - somewhat with reason due to illness, stalker, etc., talk a lot about other people's behavior, lose sleep to worry, check up on them because have not come through many times in past - like today I just know that if my son doesn't contact me that he blew off yet another appt. that he bullied me into making for him even after I said I wouldn't do appts. again. THIS TIME I have to stick to it and not listen to excuse about how bad he feels. I'm trying not to even call and ask. I want to be calm and say "you've made your choice; you live with the consequences".
Controlling = Yes try to control situations sometimes by crying; try to influence person to do what seems best for them - like go to the doctor or finish school; clean up after self
Denial = Yes - future will be better, stay super busy, avoid conflict; sometimes depressed
Dependency = meet about half of those characteristics described in Melody Beattie's book - didn't feel love/approval from father or ex husband, worry I'm not lovable in some way and look for the evidence of lack of invitations (however, I tend not to accept some that come my way), some people seem to provoke that feeling that I need to try to find a way to please them - not sure why - it's definitely not MOST people, but a few; believe many times that no-one will be there for me - will get tired of listening so I usually don't try; when I express myself sure they'll walk away as some have
Poor Communication: Yes - talk a lot but don't always put the true, underlying feeling out there for fear of ridicule (usually done by my family), that it will be deemed stupid, rejected; someone will be hurt by it
Weak Boundaries = Yes - let people walk on me too much, put up with too much but feel helpless and unable to determine what kind of consequence/response I should use; inconsistent
Lack of Trust = somewhat - never could make major decisions easily; now I don't trust that I can because I don't want to react/choose in the old way; sometimes reached out to people like Kathy - completely unable to be a friend
Anger = somewhat = mostly in the form of walking on eggshells and trying not to make ex or son angry, I gunnysack and blow once in awhile; traffic is a problem area for me; feel very resentful
Sex Problems = somewhat - not interested in my husband - too angry and disappointed with him, actually feel repulsed sometimes but not attracted to others; sometimes just fantasize about some hunky actor, want my husband out of my life at least 30% of the time
Miscellaneous: extremely responsible; martyr (like my predecesors); helpless response; can't let loose as easily these days, vaccillate in decisions and emotions; ashamed about problems, but no longer feel confused as to the nature/my involvement in the problems
Progressive: eating disorder - in recovery from overeating; sometimes depressed and hopeless, rest of those haven't happened yet
As I look at all these, I know that I am codependent and am glad it has a name. I'm making slow progress, but I definitely take 2 steps back for each forward movement. I have to stand firm mainly against my son. My husband whines, but I'm not getting sucked in by him as much. My son really abuses and uses. He knows my buttons and enjoys pushing them, but his success hurts him. I have to remember that. The most loving thing I can do is change.
Low Self Worth (even though I usually don't feel that's the case, but on this checklist, I exhibit many of those symptoms) Yes - come from repressed family, grandma and dad didn't value girls, blamed myself for a lot and let other people blame me also, pick on my bad features esp. the weight I gained the second child, never think I'm quite good enough at my job - don't like to have people observe me for this reason, fear rejection, feel the part of powerless victim occasionally, sometimes feel I can't do anything right, life has sometimes seemed one big pain or crisis after another, feel good when help others, keep wishing something good would finally happen, sometimes feel need to prove myself - certain type of person sets this off but I'm not sure what vibes I get - seems they say something critical about the plan I've made or act patronizing, don't always feel like people like me
Repressed Feelings = somewhat true - don't always say what's on my mind for fear of reactions - after all I have physically been hurt for saying them
Obsession = Yes = feel terribly anxious about kids' problems and future - somewhat with reason due to illness, stalker, etc., talk a lot about other people's behavior, lose sleep to worry, check up on them because have not come through many times in past - like today I just know that if my son doesn't contact me that he blew off yet another appt. that he bullied me into making for him even after I said I wouldn't do appts. again. THIS TIME I have to stick to it and not listen to excuse about how bad he feels. I'm trying not to even call and ask. I want to be calm and say "you've made your choice; you live with the consequences".
Controlling = Yes try to control situations sometimes by crying; try to influence person to do what seems best for them - like go to the doctor or finish school; clean up after self
Denial = Yes - future will be better, stay super busy, avoid conflict; sometimes depressed
Dependency = meet about half of those characteristics described in Melody Beattie's book - didn't feel love/approval from father or ex husband, worry I'm not lovable in some way and look for the evidence of lack of invitations (however, I tend not to accept some that come my way), some people seem to provoke that feeling that I need to try to find a way to please them - not sure why - it's definitely not MOST people, but a few; believe many times that no-one will be there for me - will get tired of listening so I usually don't try; when I express myself sure they'll walk away as some have
Poor Communication: Yes - talk a lot but don't always put the true, underlying feeling out there for fear of ridicule (usually done by my family), that it will be deemed stupid, rejected; someone will be hurt by it
Weak Boundaries = Yes - let people walk on me too much, put up with too much but feel helpless and unable to determine what kind of consequence/response I should use; inconsistent
Lack of Trust = somewhat - never could make major decisions easily; now I don't trust that I can because I don't want to react/choose in the old way; sometimes reached out to people like Kathy - completely unable to be a friend
Anger = somewhat = mostly in the form of walking on eggshells and trying not to make ex or son angry, I gunnysack and blow once in awhile; traffic is a problem area for me; feel very resentful
Sex Problems = somewhat - not interested in my husband - too angry and disappointed with him, actually feel repulsed sometimes but not attracted to others; sometimes just fantasize about some hunky actor, want my husband out of my life at least 30% of the time
Miscellaneous: extremely responsible; martyr (like my predecesors); helpless response; can't let loose as easily these days, vaccillate in decisions and emotions; ashamed about problems, but no longer feel confused as to the nature/my involvement in the problems
Progressive: eating disorder - in recovery from overeating; sometimes depressed and hopeless, rest of those haven't happened yet
As I look at all these, I know that I am codependent and am glad it has a name. I'm making slow progress, but I definitely take 2 steps back for each forward movement. I have to stand firm mainly against my son. My husband whines, but I'm not getting sucked in by him as much. My son really abuses and uses. He knows my buttons and enjoys pushing them, but his success hurts him. I have to remember that. The most loving thing I can do is change.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Japan Disaster
Watching this makes me heartsick even though my kids' family is safe and all the friends/relatives of people I currently am related to are safe. It's still such a terrible disaster. I just made a donation to the Red Cross and hope others will too.
I am grateful for all the people who step up to donate funds to this effort.
I am grateful for all the people who step up to donate funds to this effort.
Assignment: Write About Someone You Know and Worry About
Daughter: I so wanted to have a child, and she and I were very close those first 3 years. It was wonderfully satisfying to have her in my life. Then my son was born, and she ignored him for 3 months. It was a tough time as he needed attention, and she gradually developed more independence because there were things I just couldn't do for her anymore. He was a demanding sort from the beginning. Both she and I tried hard to get him to sleep, and she ended up doing things for him like dressing him as he refused to do self care until about the age of 6 when both of us refused to do it for him anymore.
She still seemed happy except for a need for perfection which exhibited itself strongly when she played baseball - horrifyingly embarrassing as she was so upset when she couldn't perform well. Another time she pitched a fit because I was leaving. She did pitch some fits now and then that were pretty embarrassing, but usually she was a compliant, quiet, clingy at first but later independent. She talked a blue streak and was affectionate, but after her dad told her Japanese people don't kiss or hug, she never was cuddly. That happened sometime between 12 and 18 months. It was devastating. She was still outgoing and interested in activities and talking to me until middle school. After that, she began to go more into herself, but I figured it was a normal part of being a teenager so I didn't push myself into her life. She followed our rules, and she was doing all she was supposed to - not asking for expensive things, getting all her schoolwork done, playing the piano, enjoying classical music and books so I wasn't concerned. Her brother was taking more and more of my time and energy as school was a nightmare for him and as she was doing fine, I didn't have reason for worry. I felt bad about it and would try to spend time with her like a weekend in Olympia and overnights with Girl Scouts. We had a great time together. In high school, she so wanted to participate in activities, but her geeky friends had no interest in fashion, activities so reluctantly she just studied. Our relationship was no longer close. The previously open girl who went to public baths with me in Japan now locked herself in the bathroom to change clothes and spent endless time getting herself gussied up even though she was already strikingly beautiful. She asked me for help with school subjects now and then, and I went to all her awards and piano concerts. I tried to connect with her but was rebuffed. This became increasingly so after she started dating D. She freaked out one day when he came over without calling her as she was in sweats and couldn't be seen that way - really freaked out. It was abnormal. She hid and wouldn't come out. It was as if he wouldn't care about her if she didn't look stunning. I felt it was obsessive and tried discussing it with her. She did feel comfortable enough to come to me for contraceptive appointments. I was stunned, but I had always preached responsibility so . . . I asked if it was also what she wanted, and she said she did. I hadn't realized how controlling he was - just that he was rude. We all went through a nightmare when he turned into an abusive stalker. She was trying to deal with AP tests and college in the high school pressures at the same time. She always seemed to float above the chaos surrounding my son's problems and temper tantrums. She had to take care of him when at her dad's. Her dad seemed to dote on her which she took advantage of. She began to dress like a slut so we worried about her need to do that.
During this time, my dad was ill with Alzheimer's so I was preoccupied with that and my son's problems. Then she got ill - seriously ill but didn't let on what the doctors told her. It hit home how bad it was when we went to the hospital and they thread an IV line into her heart. We had to have my mom come live with us so someone could give her transfusions while I was at work. She hid away from people as her face was being attacked. She wouldn't go to school or any senior activities - not even graduation. It broke my heart that we all missed those milestones - things I had dreamed about for my child because they were special times for me. She purposefully missed them as she could have gone. She decided we could still do our trip. It was fabulous. After 24 hours of sleeping, she began to open up a bit and enjoy the activities and our time together. She started smiling, laughing, flirting, and hanging on to my hand. It was great as I felt I was getting her back. She had been accepted to the Honors Program, and everything seemed to be going well. She was still intensely controlling about private info - couldn't see her grades, etc. even though I was paying for it. She started wanting more brand names and expensive stuff. I went along. Then my world was shattered. She stole from me by forging my checks. I was cleaned out of all money that month; then it turns out she hadn't really been going to school for a year and people reported seeing her doing drugs. I thought she must be an addict or in serious pain. I tried for a long time to suggest counseling to deal with all the trauma - alcoholic father, brother, me, fights in our house, the trauma her senior year. Well, it came back to bite her. I had to crack down, and it made an impression so she's now seeing a competent person. There is hope for the future, but I am still anxious. The bright future and lofty goals she had seem to be elusive now. I don't know what's going to happen.
I guess I feel disappointed, cheated out of what I had hoped to see, to bask in the glory of a high achieving kid, and know that her future is secure and she has everything she wants. Her next relationship choice sucked also so I hope she will deal with this. For now, I'm practicing letting go. We need to get her moved and hope she can support herself somehow and finally heal so that she is capable of a healthy, decent relationship in the future. I need to get hands off, but I keep remembering the baby that used to coo for me and all the other happy times. I am worried we won't even have a relationship someday. It's my greatest fear. I know we have few hobbies in common, but I'd still like to have a place in her life. I'm happy she tried to come to holidays as she had stopped answering the phone, showing up for appointments even for good things like buying a car. She wrecked several cars and has cost us so much that I resent that also. It's hard to forgive and move on. It's hard to let go, but she is almost 21. I used to have a poster that said "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was." I think it's helpful.
My Son:
My son was born with some brain damage and was paralyzed. It was a difficult pregnancy and wicked birthing process. We both had problems. I had a hard time with my daughter, but this was worse. The doctor was incompetent and was so sure there would be no problems with a second one that he didn't listen to me. He was scared shitless and tried to assure me the baby would end up normal. The baby was fussy and tight clothes, labels bothered him, he was sick all the time. Later I read that is typical of learning disabled children. I sometimes wonder - what if? He might have been a super achiever like his sister. He was a handfull - so active, always crying, bonking his head into a door or wall if I tried to do anything on the other side of it, couldn't sleep, it was so bad his relatives in Japan took him to a priest to be prayed over. Later, he became bossy and seemed not to be able to tolerate any kind of frustration. Once he went to school, his inflexibility became even more noticeable. He seemed easily overwhelmed by sensations and a feeling that he wasn't cabable. His peers called him a retard; his teachers were frustrated. He became seemingly psychotic the summer he turned 7. His first grade teacher was a first year one and didn't advocate well enough for him but did point out issues with fine motor skills. He got the wicked witch of the west for second grade and all hell broke loose - tantrums in school, they locked him in a closet. He finally got on a behavior program; that teacher advocated for him. He had the perfect teacher for him in 3rd grade and someone sympathetic to his type in 4th grade so no problems again until 5th grade when we had another teacher that I instantly knew would not work, but the principal just said to all that he was a bad kid and never gave us the required 90 minutes. In retrospect, I should have had experts with me as she was a bully. It was horrible; he never recovered from these school experiences. Everyday was filled with anxiety as to what would happen. The fighting had broken out in our home; life was chaotic. I tried to fight for him and with him to get him to do hours of homework (for him it was hours). Every night was an ordeal. I imposed draconian consequences, but none of that worked. Things were awful until I decided to homeschool. He tried a tantrum on me, but I just said I had all day so if he wanted to play with friends (the most powerful motivator at the time), he would need to do his work. It took a couple of days, but it worked. He liked it, and he caught up in that year. He wanted to go back to be with his friends so he went back for middle school. They gave him a lot of care; Ritalin 8th grade brought straight As, but he didn't think it helped so off he went. Freshman year: disaster. They didn't have supports in place and he was lost in the shuffle. He began failing. He didn't like the awful falling apart building with the depressing atmosphere or the teachers' attitude. We tried getting him into the alternative school, but the waiting list was so long that he gave up. We then moved to a private school which he loved until he became friends with a kid with a super bad attitude. That kid poisoned everyone against the place by saying "you don't learn anything here" so again my son dropped a school. He had 15 credits by this time and was back as a junior at public school. He did great first quarter; then stopped attending/doing the work and managed to pass only 4 classes. He tried the community college and dropped as it seemed too hard, but he liked the atmosphere at least and became super excited about Evergreen. All that changed again. He passed the first of the prereq classes for Running Start with a B; then gave up again. He had creative talent in his writing - just the mechanics continued to be a bit of an issue - at least he felt they were. He can speak well and is articulate but doesn't trust himself with grammar and spelling. Math was falling farther and farther behind without practice so then he dropped out again and decided a GED was the way to go, but the classes were too low of a level and studying on his own only lasts a little while. So he decided doing an AA and getting his diploma that way would work, but they messed up his schedule and he gave up again. Now he just sits in his room - getting fatter and doing nothing but videos. His hobbies of music and exercise went down the toilet. He felt better when he was doing something; now he's in a vicious cycle - finally agreed to the recommended meds; took them all month; claimed not to feel better; didn't set up the month check appt; then got all mad that I hadn't done that as it was important for him to feel better so what was my problem! He asked on a day when I couldn't so it seemed he would agree to do this for himself but no. He just won't. I finally got sucked into making the call for him - those people there are rude to him he things. He's not the only one to complain. Now that our favorite (only competent) doctor is leaving, we're looking to switch clinics. In the meantime, he now has to start the cycle of meds again because it's been 10 days, he won't agree to listen to possible jobs, and he won't show up to meet the tutor. He's convinced himself he can't do anything so I'm trying to be hands out, but I have told him that when he's 18, he needs to do something to earn the insurance and car payments. Currently, he is doing better about cleaning his own messes so it's a step, but 18 is going to hit hard with no skills.
My feelings upon rereading:
1. Sadness that I missed out on more time with my daughter because I chose to focus on my son.
2. Sad about what happened to my girl - she didn't deserve all those horrible experiences.
3. Guilty and disappointed about her choices in men. Guilty because I wonder what part I played in that with my own personal bad choices and lack of knowledge as to what makes a good marriage.
4. Anger at her for stealing/losing money is turning to acceptance and some forgiveness as I want her in my life. Bafflement as to why she doesn't appreciate what I sacrificed for her - although that is an older reaction. I'm beginning to understand this.
5. Pain that she and I and Keisuke and I don't really know each other anymore.
6. Anger/Sadness that Keisuke doesn't respect me/isn't grateful for all I did but instead tends to blame me for my choices in men and screwing up both kids.
7. Confused/scared as to the correct course of action with both of them. Relying on Al-Anon - not provoking a crisis but no longer preventing natural consequences from occuring.
8 Grief: letting go of my expectations for seeing graduations, weddings, grandchildren, great careers for them; the unknown is frightening! Will they turn around? Will they get jobs/finish school? Will we even see each other in the future?
Neither one of them even remembered my birthday even though I make big deals about big days in their lives. Would love to have my girl call me out of the blue to share something exciting, etc. I don't get those calls like me and my mom always did. My mom was like my best friend. At least Keisuke still does that now and then - probably cuz he lives with me still.
I'm hopeful that we will eventually be friends and have that kind of relationship and find some common interests.
I need to be quiet, listen, let them know I'm here if needed and can be trusted now not to blab. I only talked with mom to get her perspective or with someone to decide if I'm doing the right thing, but they hated my talking about them. Keisuke would blow up about it. I couldn't even brag or give him compliments.
I think in spite of my efforts to give them good self esteem (to make up for my lack of it), somehow that didn't happen. I think both suffer from depression. Their dad has some serious issues that led him to being an alcoholic and I was damaged from my family of origin so maybe we just passed on some genetic predisposition and our scars without realizing it.
I try to keep busy to avoid facing the pain from all this. Now following the codependent and Al-Anon programs fills a void, and my hope is that when I get better, they will follow. Isn't that trying to control them, though, also? Wish I knew the answer to that one.
How do I benefit from trying to control? It reduces my anxiety to try to fix it - so afraid of their lives being ruined.
What do they gain? They don't have to work or take responsibility.
How effective are my attempts to control? Not very - I usually feel that they have all the power, and I have none. I can't make them do anything; they know that. They have a cushy life on my dollar. I can't have my dream of an easy to get to vacation spot/rental for income with them draining all the money. Even the cars which I thought would bring me freedom are too high a price to pay for my not having to drive them around - $1000 or so per month! It's all killing us - no money for nice vacations for us. I don't mind the camping/hiking/backpacking vacations but sometimes I'd like to go somewhere else/do something else. I really want that other house, but because of Preston, we lost the chance to sell at a good time. Actually, it's my fault for going along with letting him be there free of charge - for letting myself be bullied into it plus I wasn't ready to let go of the family property - the ridiculous demands of San Juan County hadn't pushed me to the point where I realized I was done.
She still seemed happy except for a need for perfection which exhibited itself strongly when she played baseball - horrifyingly embarrassing as she was so upset when she couldn't perform well. Another time she pitched a fit because I was leaving. She did pitch some fits now and then that were pretty embarrassing, but usually she was a compliant, quiet, clingy at first but later independent. She talked a blue streak and was affectionate, but after her dad told her Japanese people don't kiss or hug, she never was cuddly. That happened sometime between 12 and 18 months. It was devastating. She was still outgoing and interested in activities and talking to me until middle school. After that, she began to go more into herself, but I figured it was a normal part of being a teenager so I didn't push myself into her life. She followed our rules, and she was doing all she was supposed to - not asking for expensive things, getting all her schoolwork done, playing the piano, enjoying classical music and books so I wasn't concerned. Her brother was taking more and more of my time and energy as school was a nightmare for him and as she was doing fine, I didn't have reason for worry. I felt bad about it and would try to spend time with her like a weekend in Olympia and overnights with Girl Scouts. We had a great time together. In high school, she so wanted to participate in activities, but her geeky friends had no interest in fashion, activities so reluctantly she just studied. Our relationship was no longer close. The previously open girl who went to public baths with me in Japan now locked herself in the bathroom to change clothes and spent endless time getting herself gussied up even though she was already strikingly beautiful. She asked me for help with school subjects now and then, and I went to all her awards and piano concerts. I tried to connect with her but was rebuffed. This became increasingly so after she started dating D. She freaked out one day when he came over without calling her as she was in sweats and couldn't be seen that way - really freaked out. It was abnormal. She hid and wouldn't come out. It was as if he wouldn't care about her if she didn't look stunning. I felt it was obsessive and tried discussing it with her. She did feel comfortable enough to come to me for contraceptive appointments. I was stunned, but I had always preached responsibility so . . . I asked if it was also what she wanted, and she said she did. I hadn't realized how controlling he was - just that he was rude. We all went through a nightmare when he turned into an abusive stalker. She was trying to deal with AP tests and college in the high school pressures at the same time. She always seemed to float above the chaos surrounding my son's problems and temper tantrums. She had to take care of him when at her dad's. Her dad seemed to dote on her which she took advantage of. She began to dress like a slut so we worried about her need to do that.
During this time, my dad was ill with Alzheimer's so I was preoccupied with that and my son's problems. Then she got ill - seriously ill but didn't let on what the doctors told her. It hit home how bad it was when we went to the hospital and they thread an IV line into her heart. We had to have my mom come live with us so someone could give her transfusions while I was at work. She hid away from people as her face was being attacked. She wouldn't go to school or any senior activities - not even graduation. It broke my heart that we all missed those milestones - things I had dreamed about for my child because they were special times for me. She purposefully missed them as she could have gone. She decided we could still do our trip. It was fabulous. After 24 hours of sleeping, she began to open up a bit and enjoy the activities and our time together. She started smiling, laughing, flirting, and hanging on to my hand. It was great as I felt I was getting her back. She had been accepted to the Honors Program, and everything seemed to be going well. She was still intensely controlling about private info - couldn't see her grades, etc. even though I was paying for it. She started wanting more brand names and expensive stuff. I went along. Then my world was shattered. She stole from me by forging my checks. I was cleaned out of all money that month; then it turns out she hadn't really been going to school for a year and people reported seeing her doing drugs. I thought she must be an addict or in serious pain. I tried for a long time to suggest counseling to deal with all the trauma - alcoholic father, brother, me, fights in our house, the trauma her senior year. Well, it came back to bite her. I had to crack down, and it made an impression so she's now seeing a competent person. There is hope for the future, but I am still anxious. The bright future and lofty goals she had seem to be elusive now. I don't know what's going to happen.
I guess I feel disappointed, cheated out of what I had hoped to see, to bask in the glory of a high achieving kid, and know that her future is secure and she has everything she wants. Her next relationship choice sucked also so I hope she will deal with this. For now, I'm practicing letting go. We need to get her moved and hope she can support herself somehow and finally heal so that she is capable of a healthy, decent relationship in the future. I need to get hands off, but I keep remembering the baby that used to coo for me and all the other happy times. I am worried we won't even have a relationship someday. It's my greatest fear. I know we have few hobbies in common, but I'd still like to have a place in her life. I'm happy she tried to come to holidays as she had stopped answering the phone, showing up for appointments even for good things like buying a car. She wrecked several cars and has cost us so much that I resent that also. It's hard to forgive and move on. It's hard to let go, but she is almost 21. I used to have a poster that said "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was." I think it's helpful.
My Son:
My son was born with some brain damage and was paralyzed. It was a difficult pregnancy and wicked birthing process. We both had problems. I had a hard time with my daughter, but this was worse. The doctor was incompetent and was so sure there would be no problems with a second one that he didn't listen to me. He was scared shitless and tried to assure me the baby would end up normal. The baby was fussy and tight clothes, labels bothered him, he was sick all the time. Later I read that is typical of learning disabled children. I sometimes wonder - what if? He might have been a super achiever like his sister. He was a handfull - so active, always crying, bonking his head into a door or wall if I tried to do anything on the other side of it, couldn't sleep, it was so bad his relatives in Japan took him to a priest to be prayed over. Later, he became bossy and seemed not to be able to tolerate any kind of frustration. Once he went to school, his inflexibility became even more noticeable. He seemed easily overwhelmed by sensations and a feeling that he wasn't cabable. His peers called him a retard; his teachers were frustrated. He became seemingly psychotic the summer he turned 7. His first grade teacher was a first year one and didn't advocate well enough for him but did point out issues with fine motor skills. He got the wicked witch of the west for second grade and all hell broke loose - tantrums in school, they locked him in a closet. He finally got on a behavior program; that teacher advocated for him. He had the perfect teacher for him in 3rd grade and someone sympathetic to his type in 4th grade so no problems again until 5th grade when we had another teacher that I instantly knew would not work, but the principal just said to all that he was a bad kid and never gave us the required 90 minutes. In retrospect, I should have had experts with me as she was a bully. It was horrible; he never recovered from these school experiences. Everyday was filled with anxiety as to what would happen. The fighting had broken out in our home; life was chaotic. I tried to fight for him and with him to get him to do hours of homework (for him it was hours). Every night was an ordeal. I imposed draconian consequences, but none of that worked. Things were awful until I decided to homeschool. He tried a tantrum on me, but I just said I had all day so if he wanted to play with friends (the most powerful motivator at the time), he would need to do his work. It took a couple of days, but it worked. He liked it, and he caught up in that year. He wanted to go back to be with his friends so he went back for middle school. They gave him a lot of care; Ritalin 8th grade brought straight As, but he didn't think it helped so off he went. Freshman year: disaster. They didn't have supports in place and he was lost in the shuffle. He began failing. He didn't like the awful falling apart building with the depressing atmosphere or the teachers' attitude. We tried getting him into the alternative school, but the waiting list was so long that he gave up. We then moved to a private school which he loved until he became friends with a kid with a super bad attitude. That kid poisoned everyone against the place by saying "you don't learn anything here" so again my son dropped a school. He had 15 credits by this time and was back as a junior at public school. He did great first quarter; then stopped attending/doing the work and managed to pass only 4 classes. He tried the community college and dropped as it seemed too hard, but he liked the atmosphere at least and became super excited about Evergreen. All that changed again. He passed the first of the prereq classes for Running Start with a B; then gave up again. He had creative talent in his writing - just the mechanics continued to be a bit of an issue - at least he felt they were. He can speak well and is articulate but doesn't trust himself with grammar and spelling. Math was falling farther and farther behind without practice so then he dropped out again and decided a GED was the way to go, but the classes were too low of a level and studying on his own only lasts a little while. So he decided doing an AA and getting his diploma that way would work, but they messed up his schedule and he gave up again. Now he just sits in his room - getting fatter and doing nothing but videos. His hobbies of music and exercise went down the toilet. He felt better when he was doing something; now he's in a vicious cycle - finally agreed to the recommended meds; took them all month; claimed not to feel better; didn't set up the month check appt; then got all mad that I hadn't done that as it was important for him to feel better so what was my problem! He asked on a day when I couldn't so it seemed he would agree to do this for himself but no. He just won't. I finally got sucked into making the call for him - those people there are rude to him he things. He's not the only one to complain. Now that our favorite (only competent) doctor is leaving, we're looking to switch clinics. In the meantime, he now has to start the cycle of meds again because it's been 10 days, he won't agree to listen to possible jobs, and he won't show up to meet the tutor. He's convinced himself he can't do anything so I'm trying to be hands out, but I have told him that when he's 18, he needs to do something to earn the insurance and car payments. Currently, he is doing better about cleaning his own messes so it's a step, but 18 is going to hit hard with no skills.
My feelings upon rereading:
1. Sadness that I missed out on more time with my daughter because I chose to focus on my son.
2. Sad about what happened to my girl - she didn't deserve all those horrible experiences.
3. Guilty and disappointed about her choices in men. Guilty because I wonder what part I played in that with my own personal bad choices and lack of knowledge as to what makes a good marriage.
4. Anger at her for stealing/losing money is turning to acceptance and some forgiveness as I want her in my life. Bafflement as to why she doesn't appreciate what I sacrificed for her - although that is an older reaction. I'm beginning to understand this.
5. Pain that she and I and Keisuke and I don't really know each other anymore.
6. Anger/Sadness that Keisuke doesn't respect me/isn't grateful for all I did but instead tends to blame me for my choices in men and screwing up both kids.
7. Confused/scared as to the correct course of action with both of them. Relying on Al-Anon - not provoking a crisis but no longer preventing natural consequences from occuring.
8 Grief: letting go of my expectations for seeing graduations, weddings, grandchildren, great careers for them; the unknown is frightening! Will they turn around? Will they get jobs/finish school? Will we even see each other in the future?
Neither one of them even remembered my birthday even though I make big deals about big days in their lives. Would love to have my girl call me out of the blue to share something exciting, etc. I don't get those calls like me and my mom always did. My mom was like my best friend. At least Keisuke still does that now and then - probably cuz he lives with me still.
I'm hopeful that we will eventually be friends and have that kind of relationship and find some common interests.
I need to be quiet, listen, let them know I'm here if needed and can be trusted now not to blab. I only talked with mom to get her perspective or with someone to decide if I'm doing the right thing, but they hated my talking about them. Keisuke would blow up about it. I couldn't even brag or give him compliments.
I think in spite of my efforts to give them good self esteem (to make up for my lack of it), somehow that didn't happen. I think both suffer from depression. Their dad has some serious issues that led him to being an alcoholic and I was damaged from my family of origin so maybe we just passed on some genetic predisposition and our scars without realizing it.
I try to keep busy to avoid facing the pain from all this. Now following the codependent and Al-Anon programs fills a void, and my hope is that when I get better, they will follow. Isn't that trying to control them, though, also? Wish I knew the answer to that one.
How do I benefit from trying to control? It reduces my anxiety to try to fix it - so afraid of their lives being ruined.
What do they gain? They don't have to work or take responsibility.
How effective are my attempts to control? Not very - I usually feel that they have all the power, and I have none. I can't make them do anything; they know that. They have a cushy life on my dollar. I can't have my dream of an easy to get to vacation spot/rental for income with them draining all the money. Even the cars which I thought would bring me freedom are too high a price to pay for my not having to drive them around - $1000 or so per month! It's all killing us - no money for nice vacations for us. I don't mind the camping/hiking/backpacking vacations but sometimes I'd like to go somewhere else/do something else. I really want that other house, but because of Preston, we lost the chance to sell at a good time. Actually, it's my fault for going along with letting him be there free of charge - for letting myself be bullied into it plus I wasn't ready to let go of the family property - the ridiculous demands of San Juan County hadn't pushed me to the point where I realized I was done.
Step 4 - Fearless and Searching Moral Inventory
Writing on Some Suggested Themes:
Positive Characteristics
caring
intelligent
able to empathize
dependable
loyal
planner
can be a good listener
academically capable
strive for quality in work/paperwork
tried to do my best as a parent - loved my kids
not addicted to any substances - possibly addicted to exercise and conquering trails
sometimes generous
facility for languages
willing to sacrifice myself
accepting
believe that I was a pretty good mom - when chips are down, my kids will tell me that
Negative
anxious about the unknown resolution to problems
little frustrations in life pile up because I "gunny sack" as my parents did
impatient
emotionally reactive
inconsistent boundaries
not assertive enough
lack of focus
obsessed with time - never seems to be enough even though I really have a lot of down time when I'm not running
can be stingy
worry that I'm not good enough at my job, being a mom, being a wife, a friend, new social situations= wonder if I'm unlikeable as people don't seem to seek me out the way I would like
unable to stand up to bullies
somewhat of a perfectionist
too much stuff in house
procrastinate about some chores
a bit too focused on money - always anxious about it - can kind of obsess about lack of
not always observant about present circumstances - feeling bad I didn't notice that severe depression hadn't really left my daughter
self-justification/gossip - talk about negatives about others and sometimes feel pretty bad about it as I like the person in spite of what that person may have done to irritate me or hurt me
beat myself up over the weight gain or not saying just the right thing; anything I can beat myself up over I do it. I would never feel I had the right to do that to another person!
Accomplishments/Things to Be Proud Of:
1. Finished all schooling including a master's with a high gpa - graduated with honors.
2. Secured decent jobs in an actual profession.
3. Was a good mom for small kids - ate together, regular schedule, behavior charts, helped with homework, encouraged activities, had family meetings, each night was a share your feelings at dinner, tried never to yell, didn't hit my kids, made the house fun for their friends so friends were often over as I provided actual food and entertainment
4. Have a good job - think I do a reasonable job at it
5. Won a lifelong learning award.
6. Was invited to a Rotary luncheon for achievement in Spanish.
7. One of top 5 students invited to a prof's house for dinner annually.
8. Did an amazing job at learning.
9. Continue to learn and improve - work in progress
10 Have maintained a healthier lifestyle - weight isn't dropping fast, but I reversed the continual gain.
11 Most of the time I feel pretty positive about myself.
12 caring friend - reach out to those in need; tolerate lots of idiosynchracies
13 take good care of my pets
14. keep a pretty regular routine
15. house is clean but cluttered in some spots
Past and Present Resentments (This is my Bitching Section)
Grandmother D. Picked at me, always critical, comments like you could be so pretty if it weren't for those teeth, your nail biting, whatever it was that was wrong with me. Worked hard to put guilt on others - "you never came to see me" no matter that I was there every single week and called several times a week. Always gave any male that came into the house the sugar treatment. "Go sit on the couch. Here's the paper. Get comfortable." To me: time to work. Always moaned that women wanted to work only for a microwave. Finally, I got so fed up I asked her if that is why she worked and did she know how cheap a microwave was? She worked to put my dad through college and med school - a practical reason. Most of us women in the workforce out of necessity not so much desire!
Mother: for not standing up to my dad's unreasonable behavior, for showing me that women just need to take that kind of abuse, for always using me as her sounding board for criticizing my dad, for not listening - just droning on and on; losing everything and freaking out about it, getting anxious and passing on those anxieties about snow, losing stuff, money, everything, but especially for belittling my feelings - I was so in love with Dave. She just called it "puppy love". That hurt more than anything else. As it turned out, it was my first love and my first codependent relationship. He was so screwed up, and his life was worse than mine so I became wrapped up in him. It was when I could still feel deeply - before the walls went up.
Father: for never telling me I didn't anything right or good job when I was a kid. I always felt I couldn't measure up, that I wasn't interesting, that it wasn't good that I was a girl, that I was stupid. For never being willing to give me anything that I wanted. I had to learn responsibility and that there were no freebies in life. Later he told me how sorry I was that I never found an interest! He'd walk by me on the street and not recognize me. I felt so important. I tried being the best at everything to get his approval, but it never happened. For all the tantrums he would throw - breaking glasses, screaming, etc. We all walked on eggshells as he only blew every couple of years, and we never knew when that would be. He knocked me out of my chair when I was crying about my cat dying because I backtalked when he said "It was just a cat". My grandmother just told me that I shouldn't have been disrespectful. Then came the night when I finally tried to stand up for my rights, and he knocked me to the ground and was kicking and hitting me. I didn't talk to him for a year. He seemed better when we were both older, but possibly because I was no longer living around him. I think he wanted to be supportive or different somehow but couldn't. I felt I had forgiven him as I was no longer actively angry. He was always "educating" people on the trail or telling stories about his adventures (true ones but annoying anyway) so he could get admiration. He only seemed to liked people who'd kiss up to him. My stepmother was a master at that one. Their cutesy little games used to make me nauseated. He had lots of affairs and hurt my mother, but she felt that one stayed married no matter what. The divorce hurt a lot, but I was glad to be out of that hateful atmosphere, and I think my mother grew into being almost too assertive - obnoxiously honest/direct in public at times. I believe that aging takes away some inhibitions for sure. For promising his mother that he'd pass on her money to us and then giving the vast majority to his wife. She's been spending it also. He also made a bunch of digs at my brother in the will so my brother was angry and took it out on me for a good year after dad's death - even though I had no control over dad's behavior. I had so much pain - losing my dad was hard in spite of his faults and my brother's being a jerk in response to his probable grief but anger being unleashed was almost unbearable. 6 weeks after the death my daughter was seriously ill. For being so damn stingy! Arithmetic books for Xmas. I felt so deprived that I overdid it for my kids - going into debt. I wanted their lives to be easier, happier, better than mine. In the end I believe making it easier might have actually made it harder for them.
God/the universe: for letting such awful stuff happen one after the other; didn't think I'd get through it - often felt dead and couldn't see the point in this life; felt I'd be happier dead and released from this life; like my daughter I felt I/we didn't deserve it and wondered what awful thing I had done to bring such misery - one horrible thing after another
My first husband: I thought he was an outgoing type as he was always so funny when he was living in his native country. He drank a lot, but that was part of the culture so I didn't think too much about it except that it was annoying the times he got sick or said really weird/stupid stuff. He became depressed when he came here and negative about absolutely everything. I thought it would wear off. It didn't. He constantly criticized everything I did. It was like my father all over again when I had sworn I'd never end up with a person like my dad. His drinking was much worse, and he passed out every night by 8 or didn't come home "because he couldn't find the way". He insisted on driving drunk = scared me terribly especially once our daughter was born. When he insisted on holding her when he was falling down drunk (literally), it was frightening, but I couldn't stop him. He would blow now and then and squeeze my face or kick holes in the wall. I knew I would die if I stayed married so I took the kids and left. However, my codependcy meant that I felt sorry for him also and let him take my daughter back with him for a weekend. He would pass out and not have food in the apartment for the kids. They watched horror shows plus my daughter had to take care of our son. She was 5; he was 2. He finally shaped up a bit, but it turns out he was emotionally and also physically abusive to our son. This had to affect our daughter even though she always looked like she floated above the chaos. **I resent most I realize as I write this was that I had to make a quick, pressured decision to marry due to the immigration status. I might have chosen differently had I had more time. I was almost paralyzed by decision making - probably because I felt all my choices had been wrong + no-one allowed me to control my own life when I was in my family of origin. He also refused jobs and things if they weren't the best and left me to buy stuff for me and the kids at Goodwill, and I had to work and take care of the kids. He didn't do anything. When our son would bang his head against any wall after I went out that way, he'd just call his life but never get up off the couch to do anything. I had thought I was in control, but he was doing the controlling by being manipulative and passive aggressive. I only feel anger toward him now. I can't even be civil. I just want to take his head off. I feel so defensive because he's always blaming me for everything with the kids; yet he didn't step in to be responsible. He always let me do everything. If I was around, he abdicated. I really wanted to fit him into my dream of bilingual kids because I'd had to work hard to learn all the other languages and thought how great it would be for them. The death of that dream caused so much grief. For using up all of my inheritance and sitting on the couch not working while I supported the family AND had to care for the kids, for always having to have the best and now complaining about what I do for our daughter. He had no complaints when he was on the receiving end of all that! What a self centered bastard. I cannot stand listening to his whiny ass voice. What a bully. For being so critical all the time and bringing whatever mental illness he had with him. April 27: I realize he is not to blame. He was a part of it and modeled the "don't show/talk about feelings" that is part of Japanese culture, but I believe that he also suffers from serious depression. It's not ok to go to therapy in Japan or ask for help. I wasn't allowed to show weakness either so I think the kids got this from both of us. I had trouble with depression when I was younger.
Current husband: His family always looked normal to me. I so wanted to be part of their life. Turns out they were possibly more screwed up than my family. It was another case of I felt pressured to marry because of finances and medical insurance. I then began to be distressed by his cigarette addiction and his lack of activity. He had told me all these great things, how he wanted to do the things I liked, shared my hobbies and dreams, and it was all lies as he was sure he wanted to marry me. I should have realized that his being left by 3 prior wives (why the hell did he have to marry almost everyone he slept with? some old fashioned belief about taking care of the little woman? ) meant there was an issue with him also. I knew he was a rescuer type and was always trying to save me from my own kids. He'd butt in when he didn't even know what was going on. I felt that he didn't think I was capable and didn't respect my ability to solve it so I'd get pissed at him for that and resentful. The kids saw it; my son started manipulating it and turning us against each other. It worked. I was so angry at G. for the smoking, his getting fat, his lying about the smoking, his exaggerations - loves the attention of telling big stories - reminds me of my dad I guess so I dislike it intensely. He often bugs me about not having sex with him, but I lost interest in him long ago. I just can't respect him after all this. He is intensely negative and has a current of rage bottled up in him. He blames the army, but I think it was his family. His grandmother was an alcoholic, and his mother had a lot of rage and used to drink a lot also. There's rheumatoid arthritis on her side. Pain probably added to her poor behavior. Her parents divorced. Turned out dad's side had stepfathers who beat the kids so I'm sure there was temper there also although all the kids say dad was wonderful but out working. Some days I absolutely hate him as I feel I've wasted so many years with him, but financially I can't hack it on my own and still pay for college, etc. I had to do everything. I would ask for help, but he would just lie there. April 27: He also suffers from depression and anxiety I would say. Whenever there's a crisis, he comes through in a sane manner but other things send him over the edge easily. My kids can count on him for any major emergency.
My daughter: for pulling away from me and shutting me out of her world; stealing a large amount of money; wasting a year of college money, dropping out in her senior year, expecting only the best brands while I have nothing; wanting good haircuts etc. while I can't have anything for myself. Of course, I realize this was my lack of boundaries and my feeling sorry for her for all the trauma she experienced. Her trauma was awfully hard on me. I feel like I can't feel pain like that anymore; then it comes rolling back. For not showing up for appointments or answering the phone, for using drugs, for her emotional withdrawal. Good: she's still trying to connect for holidays - surprised me. She's working through her issues finally. I couldn't get her to counseling before, but when I put some boundaries/consequences in place, she hurt enough to take that step. She was clingy child from the beginning - just not people oriented. April 27: She doesn't know how to deal with her feelings. She also suffers from serious depression and turned to drugs for this. She just didn't care anymore as all those terrible things happened to her when all she had done was work hard to do well.
My son: for being so abusive to me, for taking all the attention and controlling the whole family with his fits and school problems, for always blaming someone else for everything; for not seeing his own good points, for never feeling good enough, for his self pity, for dropping out of high school, for not taking control of his future, for using drugs, for all the money on specialists and counseling only to not follow through with what they recommended, for his oppositional behavior and attention grabbing pretty much from day 1 - very difficult pregnancy and baby - always cranky and wouldn't sleep. I didn't lose patience with the "angel" daughter, but my son . . . he would do things that scared like just taking off so I did occasionally spank him and told him about the bad people; then he would never leave my side. Way overconcerned with things being unfair, was bossy, but little by little he learned to be better at friendship because to him socializing/connecting to others was all important. Good: he was very social and loving, generous and loyal. April 27: he's still difficult with his lack of coping skills - taking stuff out on others, but he's also very supportive. He is doing better with meds and can come through.
Well, this took about an hour so I'll work more on the questions, prompts in the books again later. I did the bio but may need to add to it.
My brother: for telling me I'm too sensitive, for bullying me, for physical and emotional abuse when I was a kid including unlocking the bathroom and parading his friends in when I was 12 or 13 and embarrassed about my body anyway, for masturbating with his friends in front of me, for thinking it was funny to leave his pee in a crush can knowing I would drink out of it, for always feeling he could say whatever he wanted about my "poor" behavior but getting pissed if I tried to say that perhaps he had some issues also. The same goes for my sister-in-law. I've been bashed by them a lot.
P: for letting me have it for no reason and taking advantage of Orcas - living on my nickel - can't believe my brother would do that for me or my kids; then trashing the place
S: for not pursuing his dreams but then complaining about his life; not voting
G: for acting so uncaring; if she'd just acknowledge the feeling without solving the problem it would have been ok to point out the fallacies, etc. If she and dad would have just helped instead of needing us to come begging for it. They knew/know we need help but just can't give it.
the hiking group: for not stepping up to take on more responsibility; for not being committed to events; for having all their requests that I'm supposed to take into account, for all their complaints, for dropping the ball and causing me a panic attack or frustration beyond belief.
husband: for giving up being active, smoking, getting fat, negativity; always sees the worst possible result, emotionally reactive, angry, blaming, pushing about the sex thing, for every time I say something about the fact that it's hard to find stuff in the house blowing up and saying "I give up. I can't do anything today." It just grates on the nerves. He takes everything so personally even comments that aren't even generated at him. It's just my way of blowing off steam - albeit not the best way. I voice my frustration, but it isn't meant as an insult to any one person in the house. We all need to improve at putting stuff back where we found it! I will decide if I'm getting out of the relationship after the kids are gone - big stressor since they aren't his. If we can't repair the relationship when I'm working the program, it's not going to be repaired. He is just so damaged from his parents and from the military brainwashing. He's so damn conservative and narrow minded that sometimes it drives me crazy. The super loud, constant TV drives me nuts also. The sound is intrusive, and he had told me before marriage that he liked to be active - HA! His idea of activity is to walk between the TV and the kitchen. He only eats crap and doesn't exercise. He also has no boundaries - can't say no at work - works 100 hours - most of those for free. He says he has to or lose the job, but if he'd said no I can't work those hours except in a crisis, it would have stopped. I just hate that we can't share anything because he's in such bad shape. My biggest fear is that he will stroke out and be disabled rather than dying outright; then I'll be in a huge financial pickle. For spending too much money and continually running up credit cards. I hate being in debt.
Cousin: takes advantage, wants presents/money, announces his poverty at events and then tries to take all the leftovers; both of them are 300+ pounds and eat more than all of us but they always contribute the least. One time the wife shoved her hands in the pot (before my son had eaten) and pulled out the 4th of July grilled hot dogs; then asked "Oh, did anyone still want some?" They also make snide remarks, and he is just plain lewd in his comments. Why can't any of us say something? They need us more than we need them? I don't want to spend time with them! I don't like their behavior, but everyone lets it slide. My mom always says it's for her long dead sister that she puts up with him. One time when I had moved back in with mom, he also decided he needed a free place to stay. My son was really ill - 104 temp + I had just bought food. He invited some ho from Texas to spend the week with him at my mom's house. Mom was on vacation somewhere, but they left for Canada and left towels and crap all over the house like pigs so that I had to deal with it on top of my kid's illness + they ate all my food. I was living on student loans and paying my mom what I could and doing chores. He contributed nothing and made a mess; then he was gone so I couldn't make them pick up. How fing inconsiderate can one person be!
Tim Eyeman: for making our state bankrupt so that now we have more nickle and dime taxes - what a P in the Ass!
Water/Cable etc companies - for huge increases and less service - increases that are way more than our salaries ever increase
San Juan County: for raising taxes 300% and implementing ridiculous restrictions on the property and forcing us to try to sell property we have had for 5 generations!
Things I'm Grateful For:
1 my pets - I feel calm when I pet them
2 my family - as much as they drive me crazy, some of them would come through in a crisis - the less self centered among them that is
3 having a job that is really pretty darn decent and often enjoyable
4 having a warm, dry house
5 good books and movies
6 outdoor activities
7 a group of supportive friends
8 finding the Al-Anon program and not continuing to let myself be turned off by the God part
10 for beautiful children who I have faith will actually manage to turn out in the end
11 for still having my mom = her good points really do outweigh the bad
12 my brother - when he's being charming
13 the stars
14 the mountains
15 the sea and ocean
16 maintaining my weight - even though I'd like to also lose again - at least I'm down 30 from 3 years ago and feel healthier and better about controlling the overeating at least to some extent
17 sunsets
18 for whatever time I still have at the family cabin on Orcas
19 for Stehekin
20 healthy
21 kids aren't dead - just have not doing what I had expected - like finishing school
22 it could be so much worse - I could be living in the tsunami zone and homeless
- there but for the grace of God
23 Kiku has been clean for 7 weeks
24 Keisuke seems to be feeling better and signed up for school in the fall
25 the sig others of my kids seem to be pretty decent people
26. I'm not bankrupt. I have some resources that many people don't have.
27. my hiking friends - some definitely come through and are supportive when needed
28 - my hobbies
29 still have some income
30 the calm from the lake on wonderful nights
31 the stars
People I Think I Have Harmed:
my kids - mostly by doing too much for them but also by not listening well the last few years - wallowing too much in my own pain and head
my husband - the critical side of me focused on him - I have extremely bitchy periods - he is the brunt of it. I guess I feel safe that he won't walk away or reject me. I believe he needs me more than I need him - at least that's my arrogant point of view.
People In General: My dad always acted superior and patronizing which I hated. While I do my best to treat everyone equally, I have thought bad thoughts many times and in my mind or in my gossip put down obese people, road ragers, etc. I always call them names from my car. I want to engage them. I am so awful when I drive. My dad used to scream at people and get into a rage. He was so unsafe and frightening; now I find myself doing those things. It is embarrassing. It's something I feel guilt about . . .
I am not always humble. I know I have a high IQ, visual process - this type tends to be quicker - and academic ability so I can't always comprehend why some people can't grasp a situation as quickly as I can, retain information, etc. It's hard to have patience with some of the students - particularly the ones who are capable but Lazy but lazy.
I really get irritated by people who seem to lack self control. For example, my husband is quite overweight and I hate how he combs over his hair - we used to make fun of that type of man when we were young - yet he's now eating 1/2 gallon of ice cream followed by a smoke - yuck. I feel superior to him. I know this is a fault.
However, I beat myself up and feel inferior to some people. They somehow remind me of how my dad treated me so I feel stupid and hate feeling stupid and like I have to prove myself. What is it about them that provokes that feeling? that need to please/prove I'm likable?
I sometimes wonder if something I do turns people off because some of the people I'd like as friends don't seem interested in me. I don't like to go to parties or events where I don't know people as I just can't make idle conversation easily, feel inhibited, wonder why I can't find something witty to say, why I can't be good at socializing, why I'm not as likeable as some people I would consider boring, flighty, and stupid? dumb people seem so much happier and often do better as parents. Everyone has their abilities, but many times I can't see through to that. I wonder if there is something I do that is unlovable and sometimes feel too anxious about going that I don't go. I seem to attract some needy/crazy types and just put up with their behavior even thought they're unreliable and unpredictable because no-one else can go and they have some likeable qualities. I always felt it was accepting behavior, but I have one bipolar friend who can dump on me and be awfully abusive and completely unreliable. I feel I'm so good for sticking by her as a friend even though she usually can't be bothered to answer or reach out when I need a friend - mostly cuz she's too wrapped up in her own stuff.
I try to hard to be a good friend, to be there if needed, to check in when I know someone's hurting. I just don't understand why other people can't be that way - can't do what they say they will do. I was taught to say you'd do something; then stick to that plan you made - not just dump people/activities leaving those people in the lurch just cuz something better came up. I just don't get it. I only cancel if an emergency comes up; even then I don't always feel I can because I'm so stuck to that commitment and so worried about how my canceling would impact others when I'm the organizer. I feel stuck having all that responsibility, but I'm trying to stand up and say now that I need a second in charge in case I need to cancel and/or I'll just cancel the entire event. I'm also insisting that if you back out at the last minute, you need to pay your share, find another driver, and contribute your food instead of my being the one stuck replacing all those things at the last minute. I feel very dumped upon sometimes. I gave up doing weekend outings for awhile because of this kind of crap - no-one felt any obligation at all, but I did.
I can't get why people don't commit to our group. For me it's about getting out with friends - not all about the type of activity. I can't predict the weather so if you sign up, you're signing up for the alternative activity also. I feel like they aren't signing up as much anymore because I said they had to do something to contribute to being part of this group. I understand how easy it is to go along for the ride so that's the meetup flake factor, but there are some serious "takers" on this site. They don't want to give anything to it - not even drive once but yet they have the nerve to ask for special changes. I just need to be tough and NOT respond to that - just state don't like it don't have to go, but I so fear they'll leave the group, but of course that would be good because if they aren't really seeing themselves as a part of the group, it's no good for me anyhow.
Codependent Behaviors:
Peace at any Price - put up with a lot of abuse so I wouldn't rock someone's boat or have to deal with their emotions
resentful about spending all my money and time on others: used to feel a reward for being loving, but the last few years I just feel resentment - want to be selfish
pain that kids didn't meet expectations of finishing school and going on to successful careers - actually rather embarrassing to me at first; getting beyond that, but I still felt grief and all its stages
nagging/reminding
do things others could do for themselves such as make appointments - embarrassing when they don't show up
resent the whole Christmas crap - it was fun when others were involved - now I just have to do all the work and have none of the fun - just plain sick of it so I get angry every Christmas now
Things I Feel Guilty About:
1. losing my temper - especially with my child - I apologize each time - it doesn't happen often, but I think it's a result of gunnysacking and then feeling resentful
2. I feel an obligation to return gifts or favors. I guess I am learning about "pay it forward" and being better about accepting someone doing something nice for me even when I haven't thought about doing something for that person or have been unable to do something.
3. If I've been upset about something someone did and badmouthed them for it as often I really like that person in spite of hurtful or negative things.
4. That I can't honestly tell certain people how I feel about what they do for fear of their reaction. I am giving them control; that bothers me. I tend to avoid conflict or anything that I think might hurt someone even though I really don't like being around that person.
My Values:
1. I am against breaking the law except minor things like speeding or marijuana. I guess that would mean that I don't break the laws I feel aren't stupid. I don't want to pay the consequences, though, so I don't even usually break those other than to go 5 miles or so over the speed limit.
2. I want to be helpful and supportive to my friends and family. I would like this to be in a healthy way now.
3. I believe in earning what I get and feel obligated to return favors. However, I do think the "pay it forward" principal is reasonable.
I will now answer the questions as posed in "Paths to Recovery":
1. Am I willing to look honestly at myself? What stands in my way? Yes, because life had become so overwhelming that I knew something had to change in order for me to survive. What would stand in my way would be pride and embarrassment for being needy. I have left most of that behind. I actually believe that looking honestly at my self will relieve me of the pain of beating myself up, guilty for things I haven't done wrong, all those feelings can be lifted as I begin to question, listen, and learn to grow again. I feel I've been stagnating for years just on coping and survival mode. Those ways of coping were failing. I needed friends and a support system. I still like my alone time, but I'm more willing to make time for looking inward and filling my soul with something good. I was frightened of the emptiness, the feeling that I just no longer cared. I'm sure there's some element of depression even though I don't feel sadness most of the time.
2. Have I sought help from my Higher Power? my sponsor? other Al-Anon members? I still haven't figured out the sponsor, but I have been asking for guidance about whom to ask. I did finally make a couple of calls to members and somehow need to squeeze out the time to do that every week. It may help me find a sponsor also. I feel my higher power telling me to do this step. I feel so busy and stressed, but I think it is what I need to do.
3. What suggestions have I tried? I have followed the codependents and other Al-Anon book to start with positive, add some negative, talk about resentments
4. Do I understand the spiritual principle of an inventory? I believe in spirit as in soul and the fact that I am part of the universe. I am looking at my whole being. Otherwise, I guess I don't even understand the question meaning that maybe I don't understand what I'm being asked.
5. What do "searching" and "fearless" mean to me? It means to me that I must have the courage to really look at myself and try to see everything and get it out in the light even though it means I have to face the pain to do that.
6. What does a "moral inventory" mean? I think it means looking at the code of ethics that underlies all my decisions.
Next part of this:
1. In what ways am I caring? How do I empathize with other people? Am I kind to myself? Am I kind to the elderly? Children? My family? My friends? Those in need of my assistance? Am I agreeable and courteous?
I try to reach out and at least ask how things are going when I know someone is having a difficult time. I know that if I'm hurting, just having someone show that they are thinking of me at that time is helpful. I feel supported. Even if I can't do more than that or send a little card or gift, I still feel I care. I also think about what will happen to others. I used to get so wrapped up in others that their pain was my pain. That is not the case anymore. Sometimes I even wonder if I have become unfeeling or if I have just become healthier. I feel super self centered at times. If they're having an experience I've had, I can completely understand. Sometimes I can just imagine how I would feel. I do my best to stay in the moment and think about the gist of their experience. I was offering advise and solutions, but now I just try to listen and sometimes talk about my experience in case something about that is helpful. I'm moving myself away from solving problems and fixing everything because I know how much that irritates me when my husband doesn't listen but just barks out ways to fix it. That is very action oriented but not really feeling oriented or respectful as it doesn't give the person a chance to reflect and find their own path.
Am I kind to myself and others? To others I try to at least be polite and courteous - except sometimes when driving or if someone pushes me just too far. I don't think I've always been very kind to my husband. I know I haven't been kind to myself as I was constantly beating myself up and blaming myself for every single bad thing that happened to us. I am trying to stop that self talk now by substituting slogans or repeating the word "serenity" and reminding myself to be grateful for what I have and try to let the worries go. Progress not Perfection. I am trying to mean what I say and say what I mean as without healthy boundaries, my children suffer.
2. How am I tolerant? I feel that I am accepting of other lifestyles unless that lifestyle is one of intolerance. I am intolerant of intolerance - seems an oxymoron. I do not feel that I judge others for different lifestyles, but I must admit I don't like the octomoms and religious zealots out there. I accept others' faults much more easily than I accept my own - or my husband's for that matter. I am hard on both of us but not so on others. I guess that I am not completely tolerant as I have decided to wipe a couple of people out of my life because I can't deal with their snide remarks in the guise of humor or their dysfunction anymore. I let them abuse me; then complained. It seemed better just to have them out of my life. I did confront Becky in the nicest possible way; she blew up. I haven't confronted my cousin and his wife - just wiped her off my FB - classic conflict avoidance I suppose.
3. Am I open to another's point of view? This one can be hard for me if it's a painful truth. I have always listened. Sometimes I'm not sure if that's good or not as sometimes I listen and then absorb the nasty message. However, I have found that truth comes when I don't expect it or possibly even accept it at first so I am learning to keep an open mind. I always thought I had an open mind, but when I look closely at my reactions, I realize that I don't always. I have sometimes misinterpreted an opinion as criticism when actually the person was speaking a truth that I wasn't ready to accept.
4. Do I listen in meetings and accept that others have needs different from mine? I have always been a courteous listener. It really bothers me when people don't listen to the person speaking. Sometimes I interrupt conversations but never meetings. I understand that what works for me is not always helpful or useful to someone else. My issues may not be exactly the same. I am finding that I can learn from an unexpected source if I keep myself open and listening. I have to admit that sometimes I can't focus well as I'm so exhausted or in an emotional state, but I do at least remain respectfully quiet. I must say that the Wed. meeting drove me a bit nutty at times because people there don't stay on task and talk far too long - control and dominate the conversation, and no-one spoke up about it. I was brand new to the Al-Anon experience and didn't feel it was my right. I often won't express any controversial opinion in a group. I just don't do well with what might come back. It's a big fear.
5. Do I practice patience with a newcomer? Yes. I have reached out to a newcomer by phone. I have also done my best to act welcoming and answer any questions I can.
6. How am I trustworthy? do I pay my bills? Am I prompt? Do I fulfill my commitments? Do I act responsible in my job? How much can my family and friends depend on me? I am completely trustworthy. I go overboard on this one, but lately I have given myself permission to cancel or change something if I don't feel up to it. I do everything on time. I am responsible at work, though I have sloughed off a bit at this school. At least I feel like I could do more - I get too wrapped up in personal issues.
7. How am I honest? Do I tell the whole truth? In not, what stops me from telling the truth? I think of myself as quite honest, but if something will hurt someone or I worry about it not being accepted by someone I don't know well, I will hide the whole truth. I also won't say my completely true feelings if I can't find a kind way to do so.
8. In what ways to I take care of myself? do I make needed medical appointments? Do I dress appropriately? Do I eat healthy food? Exercise? meditate? I do all of these, but I don't make time for meditation. This is an area that needs work. I need to carve out quiet time. I do my reading and feel some answers that way, but it is not completely meditation.
9. How am I respectful? Do I take care of material things, whether mine or others? Do I show respect for the law? I do both of these things. I try not to be rude to others and to listen more to their truth.
10. How am I generous? Do I contribute to my group? To the WSO triannual appeal? Have I contributed by volunteering to be a trusted servant? I contribute and volunteer for tasks at meetings. Eventually, I will carve out some time to do a bit more such as help with potlucks.
11. In what ways do I look for the good in others? I am working on looking for commonality with others. I trust people and tend to believe they are good rather than bad. I don't search out the negatives.
12. How am I kind? am I considerate of other people? Do I listen patiently to a friend in need? Do I offer help when asked? do I think to point out the good in others? I feel considerate. I'm not always patient, but I try to listen when someone is in crisis. My time obsession tends to be somewhere, and my focus is not what it was. I can do better about noticing the good of others. I try to make comments that are true so it is a real compliment rather than contrived.
13. How do I open myself up to others? I will talk about situations and put myself out there in terms of meeting new people. I look for what is common and try to develop that for a relationship.
14. How am I practical? do I have a budget? How often do I recognize what needs to be done and then do my share? I don't do well with consistency in terms of budgeting. I try to keep an eye on expenditures - doing a bit better. I do what I see needs to be done at home, work, Al Anon.
15. How am I dependable? How often do I meet work deadlines? do I organize well and carry out what I decide to do? I meet deadlines always - compulsive about that. I can organize and carry out. I can't always stick with a new plan.
16. What are my talents? Do I have artistic gifts? Do I beautify my surroundings? Do I have mechanical skills? Languages, music - didn't really develop it or the talent the art teacher saw in me. I can organize events and bring people together.
17. Do I have trouble with intimate relationships? Why or why not? I would say that I do. I have good friends, but I often see them go off together rather than choosing to be with me. I am not sure why. I don't do well with marriage. Perhaps I like being alone too much. Perhaps I like to be in charge too much. Perhaps I just don't listen enough. Perhaps I am too busy with my own life.
18. In what ways do I express myself clearly and concisely? I am working on this area.
19. How do I see the humor in life and express it? I tend to take things a bit too seriously, but I still try to see humor and enjoy it. I can laugh myself into the ground and have tears rolling out. I can even be funny. Sometimes I get onto a roll and can be entertaining.
20. How am I optimistic? Hope never completely disappears. I never give up. I am learning to choose to make it a good day.
21. How do I practice my faith in a HP? In myself? In others? How do I share my faith? Do I have an attitude of gratitude? I am working to let go and admit I can't control events/life. It is up to my HP. I have been telling others about my new philosophy and listening to their ideas. I have been watching more religious shows and taking what I lick from them. I realize how fortunate I really am and try to remember to thank my HP every time something great happens and at least once every single day.
22. How am I humble? Do I ask God for guidance and follow it to the best of my ability? When have I allowed others to share their wisdom with me? Do I ever admit mistakes? How patient am I with myself? Yes. I ask God to help me determine how best to handle a situation. I try to be quiet and listen and follow that inner voice. I listen to others talk about how they live their lives. I admit mistakes even more than I used to. Before I would get a bit defensive, but I am working on not explaining or justifying what I do but just admitting I'm not perfect. I would love to be better immediately but realize it will take all my life. I can't force learning.
Liabilities:
1. In what ways am I resentful? do I harbor grudges? I have harbored grudges against people who were rude to me. I have let most of that go, but once in awhile, old anger boils up such as against Brent Klein or my father - people I feel were dishonest and unfair in their treatment of me. I resent the rich because I secretly want to be one of them. I resent people with happy families who do normal things like attend graduations. I have mostly let these go, but I still find myself a little sad now and then and unable to celebrate for those people without that little feeling of why not me coming out.
2. Whom do I resent from my past? Why? What was my part in it? My part: I usually did not speak up for myself. I just became depressed and defeated. I allowed those attitudes to take over and felt broken.
3. Do I resent authority figures? Why? What is my part in it? Not usually, but I do find myself resenting bad drivers - particularly those with nice cars. I realize I am jealous of those appearing to be more materially successful than I.
4. Do I resent places or things? Why? What is my part in it? I have come to resent our property on Orcas for all that it costs and all the problems that it continues to present. I loved it, but I want to be done now. I'm not sure what my part is - attitude I guess. I could choose to see it as FOGs, but the expenditures are killing me. I thought it was going to save me, but problems come up at the last minute and I have to pray hard that it will be resolved so I can be free.
5. When do I judge other people harshly and resent their not doing what I think I should? Traffic situations. People who don't seem to commit to any activity - just drop when something comes along that's better than what they planned to do with me. I dislike disloyalty and not being dependable. I also get pissed when my husband drops the ball on things I asked him to do like pick up the guitar for my son etc. I get even angrier when I see him go back to his addictions as cigarettes stink plus cigarettes and cokes are a waste of money. The cokes exaccerbate his nasty moods also. I have to work hard to practice live and let live. He has good points. It's just not a good marriage. I feel stuck with someone who lied about sharing my passions with me. I don't share his now either - just not interested in standing around waiting for a fish or killing animals. I harbor so much resentment. I know it doesn't help me. It's important to deal with this! I also resent my kids for not going through school and getting jobs. I feel like we can't do things like travelling as they take all the money. I let that happen. I contributed by rescuing them too much.
6. Do I hold everyone and everything to an impossible standard of ideal perfection? No. I think I may be unrealistic about what to expect from my husband, but I have just said as long as the kids are self supporting, I do not expect them to be what I had hoped for myself.
7. How do I judge myself? I have been very harsh with myself. I was taught to be highly critical.
8. Am I fearful? What do I fear? I don't think so, but I think perhaps I fear that someone I really loved would abandon me and so I don't allow myself to get that close.
9. Am I dishonest? Am I holding secrets? Do I lie rather than "cause a scene"? What dishonestly have I hidden from others? Usually not. I think sometimes I am not completely open due to lack of courage rather than lying or holding secrets.
10. Do I feel sorry for myself? Am I filled with self pity? How do I feel I have been made a victim? What is my part in it? I let myself get depressed and feel sorry for myself. I felt I had a "kick me" stamp on my forehead, but I realize now that I put it there. I let myself feel broken and defeated because I had expectations of life being some kind of rose garden. I just didn't understand that it would always be full of problems and chores. It is what it is. I am coming to terms with accepting that.
11. Am I a fixer? do I like to be in charge? do I get upset when I can't win? What consequences have I had from taking care of others instead of myself? Yes. The consequences of fixing things for others is that now they can't function on their own. I took that away from them. I thought it was my job as a mom.
12. In what ways do I trust myself in dealing with others? Do I go to safe places? Do I remove myself from potentially dangerous situations even if it's in my own home? I am safe. I am doing better about listening to my gut. If it says a person is not healthy for me, I am disengaging.
13. In what ways am I comfortable with my own sexuality? Do I enjoy sex? If I am having sexual difficulties, do I know why? Have I sought professional help? I used to. Now I prefer pleasuring myself because it doesn't involve all the work. I think I am just so disappointed and angry about the bad marriage that I don't want to be intimate. I have no desire. I know this is one of the things I need to work on when I go back to counseling - finding out why I'm no longer interested.
14. Do I have a God of love or a God of fear in my life? How can I change my attitude toward my HP? I used to see God as a source of shame and guilt - a punisher for sins. I have changed to a loving God and keep that in mind in my relationship with him.
15. Do I take on responsibilities that are not mine? Why or why not? Working on not doing this anymore. It doesn't help others.
16. Do I do for others what they can do for themselves? Why? I did. I thought it was helping them and doing what was right for them. I know better now.
17. Do I feel responsible for someone else's learning, marriage, or sobriety? Why? I did. I guess I thought I could control what happened and not feel such anxiety if I could fix everything. I know now that it is not my life to live.
Positive Characteristics
caring
intelligent
able to empathize
dependable
loyal
planner
can be a good listener
academically capable
strive for quality in work/paperwork
tried to do my best as a parent - loved my kids
not addicted to any substances - possibly addicted to exercise and conquering trails
sometimes generous
facility for languages
willing to sacrifice myself
accepting
believe that I was a pretty good mom - when chips are down, my kids will tell me that
Negative
anxious about the unknown resolution to problems
little frustrations in life pile up because I "gunny sack" as my parents did
impatient
emotionally reactive
inconsistent boundaries
not assertive enough
lack of focus
obsessed with time - never seems to be enough even though I really have a lot of down time when I'm not running
can be stingy
worry that I'm not good enough at my job, being a mom, being a wife, a friend, new social situations= wonder if I'm unlikeable as people don't seem to seek me out the way I would like
unable to stand up to bullies
somewhat of a perfectionist
too much stuff in house
procrastinate about some chores
a bit too focused on money - always anxious about it - can kind of obsess about lack of
not always observant about present circumstances - feeling bad I didn't notice that severe depression hadn't really left my daughter
self-justification/gossip - talk about negatives about others and sometimes feel pretty bad about it as I like the person in spite of what that person may have done to irritate me or hurt me
beat myself up over the weight gain or not saying just the right thing; anything I can beat myself up over I do it. I would never feel I had the right to do that to another person!
Accomplishments/Things to Be Proud Of:
1. Finished all schooling including a master's with a high gpa - graduated with honors.
2. Secured decent jobs in an actual profession.
3. Was a good mom for small kids - ate together, regular schedule, behavior charts, helped with homework, encouraged activities, had family meetings, each night was a share your feelings at dinner, tried never to yell, didn't hit my kids, made the house fun for their friends so friends were often over as I provided actual food and entertainment
4. Have a good job - think I do a reasonable job at it
5. Won a lifelong learning award.
6. Was invited to a Rotary luncheon for achievement in Spanish.
7. One of top 5 students invited to a prof's house for dinner annually.
8. Did an amazing job at learning.
9. Continue to learn and improve - work in progress
10 Have maintained a healthier lifestyle - weight isn't dropping fast, but I reversed the continual gain.
11 Most of the time I feel pretty positive about myself.
12 caring friend - reach out to those in need; tolerate lots of idiosynchracies
13 take good care of my pets
14. keep a pretty regular routine
15. house is clean but cluttered in some spots
Past and Present Resentments (This is my Bitching Section)
Grandmother D. Picked at me, always critical, comments like you could be so pretty if it weren't for those teeth, your nail biting, whatever it was that was wrong with me. Worked hard to put guilt on others - "you never came to see me" no matter that I was there every single week and called several times a week. Always gave any male that came into the house the sugar treatment. "Go sit on the couch. Here's the paper. Get comfortable." To me: time to work. Always moaned that women wanted to work only for a microwave. Finally, I got so fed up I asked her if that is why she worked and did she know how cheap a microwave was? She worked to put my dad through college and med school - a practical reason. Most of us women in the workforce out of necessity not so much desire!
Mother: for not standing up to my dad's unreasonable behavior, for showing me that women just need to take that kind of abuse, for always using me as her sounding board for criticizing my dad, for not listening - just droning on and on; losing everything and freaking out about it, getting anxious and passing on those anxieties about snow, losing stuff, money, everything, but especially for belittling my feelings - I was so in love with Dave. She just called it "puppy love". That hurt more than anything else. As it turned out, it was my first love and my first codependent relationship. He was so screwed up, and his life was worse than mine so I became wrapped up in him. It was when I could still feel deeply - before the walls went up.
Father: for never telling me I didn't anything right or good job when I was a kid. I always felt I couldn't measure up, that I wasn't interesting, that it wasn't good that I was a girl, that I was stupid. For never being willing to give me anything that I wanted. I had to learn responsibility and that there were no freebies in life. Later he told me how sorry I was that I never found an interest! He'd walk by me on the street and not recognize me. I felt so important. I tried being the best at everything to get his approval, but it never happened. For all the tantrums he would throw - breaking glasses, screaming, etc. We all walked on eggshells as he only blew every couple of years, and we never knew when that would be. He knocked me out of my chair when I was crying about my cat dying because I backtalked when he said "It was just a cat". My grandmother just told me that I shouldn't have been disrespectful. Then came the night when I finally tried to stand up for my rights, and he knocked me to the ground and was kicking and hitting me. I didn't talk to him for a year. He seemed better when we were both older, but possibly because I was no longer living around him. I think he wanted to be supportive or different somehow but couldn't. I felt I had forgiven him as I was no longer actively angry. He was always "educating" people on the trail or telling stories about his adventures (true ones but annoying anyway) so he could get admiration. He only seemed to liked people who'd kiss up to him. My stepmother was a master at that one. Their cutesy little games used to make me nauseated. He had lots of affairs and hurt my mother, but she felt that one stayed married no matter what. The divorce hurt a lot, but I was glad to be out of that hateful atmosphere, and I think my mother grew into being almost too assertive - obnoxiously honest/direct in public at times. I believe that aging takes away some inhibitions for sure. For promising his mother that he'd pass on her money to us and then giving the vast majority to his wife. She's been spending it also. He also made a bunch of digs at my brother in the will so my brother was angry and took it out on me for a good year after dad's death - even though I had no control over dad's behavior. I had so much pain - losing my dad was hard in spite of his faults and my brother's being a jerk in response to his probable grief but anger being unleashed was almost unbearable. 6 weeks after the death my daughter was seriously ill. For being so damn stingy! Arithmetic books for Xmas. I felt so deprived that I overdid it for my kids - going into debt. I wanted their lives to be easier, happier, better than mine. In the end I believe making it easier might have actually made it harder for them.
God/the universe: for letting such awful stuff happen one after the other; didn't think I'd get through it - often felt dead and couldn't see the point in this life; felt I'd be happier dead and released from this life; like my daughter I felt I/we didn't deserve it and wondered what awful thing I had done to bring such misery - one horrible thing after another
My first husband: I thought he was an outgoing type as he was always so funny when he was living in his native country. He drank a lot, but that was part of the culture so I didn't think too much about it except that it was annoying the times he got sick or said really weird/stupid stuff. He became depressed when he came here and negative about absolutely everything. I thought it would wear off. It didn't. He constantly criticized everything I did. It was like my father all over again when I had sworn I'd never end up with a person like my dad. His drinking was much worse, and he passed out every night by 8 or didn't come home "because he couldn't find the way". He insisted on driving drunk = scared me terribly especially once our daughter was born. When he insisted on holding her when he was falling down drunk (literally), it was frightening, but I couldn't stop him. He would blow now and then and squeeze my face or kick holes in the wall. I knew I would die if I stayed married so I took the kids and left. However, my codependcy meant that I felt sorry for him also and let him take my daughter back with him for a weekend. He would pass out and not have food in the apartment for the kids. They watched horror shows plus my daughter had to take care of our son. She was 5; he was 2. He finally shaped up a bit, but it turns out he was emotionally and also physically abusive to our son. This had to affect our daughter even though she always looked like she floated above the chaos. **I resent most I realize as I write this was that I had to make a quick, pressured decision to marry due to the immigration status. I might have chosen differently had I had more time. I was almost paralyzed by decision making - probably because I felt all my choices had been wrong + no-one allowed me to control my own life when I was in my family of origin. He also refused jobs and things if they weren't the best and left me to buy stuff for me and the kids at Goodwill, and I had to work and take care of the kids. He didn't do anything. When our son would bang his head against any wall after I went out that way, he'd just call his life but never get up off the couch to do anything. I had thought I was in control, but he was doing the controlling by being manipulative and passive aggressive. I only feel anger toward him now. I can't even be civil. I just want to take his head off. I feel so defensive because he's always blaming me for everything with the kids; yet he didn't step in to be responsible. He always let me do everything. If I was around, he abdicated. I really wanted to fit him into my dream of bilingual kids because I'd had to work hard to learn all the other languages and thought how great it would be for them. The death of that dream caused so much grief. For using up all of my inheritance and sitting on the couch not working while I supported the family AND had to care for the kids, for always having to have the best and now complaining about what I do for our daughter. He had no complaints when he was on the receiving end of all that! What a self centered bastard. I cannot stand listening to his whiny ass voice. What a bully. For being so critical all the time and bringing whatever mental illness he had with him. April 27: I realize he is not to blame. He was a part of it and modeled the "don't show/talk about feelings" that is part of Japanese culture, but I believe that he also suffers from serious depression. It's not ok to go to therapy in Japan or ask for help. I wasn't allowed to show weakness either so I think the kids got this from both of us. I had trouble with depression when I was younger.
Current husband: His family always looked normal to me. I so wanted to be part of their life. Turns out they were possibly more screwed up than my family. It was another case of I felt pressured to marry because of finances and medical insurance. I then began to be distressed by his cigarette addiction and his lack of activity. He had told me all these great things, how he wanted to do the things I liked, shared my hobbies and dreams, and it was all lies as he was sure he wanted to marry me. I should have realized that his being left by 3 prior wives (why the hell did he have to marry almost everyone he slept with? some old fashioned belief about taking care of the little woman? ) meant there was an issue with him also. I knew he was a rescuer type and was always trying to save me from my own kids. He'd butt in when he didn't even know what was going on. I felt that he didn't think I was capable and didn't respect my ability to solve it so I'd get pissed at him for that and resentful. The kids saw it; my son started manipulating it and turning us against each other. It worked. I was so angry at G. for the smoking, his getting fat, his lying about the smoking, his exaggerations - loves the attention of telling big stories - reminds me of my dad I guess so I dislike it intensely. He often bugs me about not having sex with him, but I lost interest in him long ago. I just can't respect him after all this. He is intensely negative and has a current of rage bottled up in him. He blames the army, but I think it was his family. His grandmother was an alcoholic, and his mother had a lot of rage and used to drink a lot also. There's rheumatoid arthritis on her side. Pain probably added to her poor behavior. Her parents divorced. Turned out dad's side had stepfathers who beat the kids so I'm sure there was temper there also although all the kids say dad was wonderful but out working. Some days I absolutely hate him as I feel I've wasted so many years with him, but financially I can't hack it on my own and still pay for college, etc. I had to do everything. I would ask for help, but he would just lie there. April 27: He also suffers from depression and anxiety I would say. Whenever there's a crisis, he comes through in a sane manner but other things send him over the edge easily. My kids can count on him for any major emergency.
My daughter: for pulling away from me and shutting me out of her world; stealing a large amount of money; wasting a year of college money, dropping out in her senior year, expecting only the best brands while I have nothing; wanting good haircuts etc. while I can't have anything for myself. Of course, I realize this was my lack of boundaries and my feeling sorry for her for all the trauma she experienced. Her trauma was awfully hard on me. I feel like I can't feel pain like that anymore; then it comes rolling back. For not showing up for appointments or answering the phone, for using drugs, for her emotional withdrawal. Good: she's still trying to connect for holidays - surprised me. She's working through her issues finally. I couldn't get her to counseling before, but when I put some boundaries/consequences in place, she hurt enough to take that step. She was clingy child from the beginning - just not people oriented. April 27: She doesn't know how to deal with her feelings. She also suffers from serious depression and turned to drugs for this. She just didn't care anymore as all those terrible things happened to her when all she had done was work hard to do well.
My son: for being so abusive to me, for taking all the attention and controlling the whole family with his fits and school problems, for always blaming someone else for everything; for not seeing his own good points, for never feeling good enough, for his self pity, for dropping out of high school, for not taking control of his future, for using drugs, for all the money on specialists and counseling only to not follow through with what they recommended, for his oppositional behavior and attention grabbing pretty much from day 1 - very difficult pregnancy and baby - always cranky and wouldn't sleep. I didn't lose patience with the "angel" daughter, but my son . . . he would do things that scared like just taking off so I did occasionally spank him and told him about the bad people; then he would never leave my side. Way overconcerned with things being unfair, was bossy, but little by little he learned to be better at friendship because to him socializing/connecting to others was all important. Good: he was very social and loving, generous and loyal. April 27: he's still difficult with his lack of coping skills - taking stuff out on others, but he's also very supportive. He is doing better with meds and can come through.
Well, this took about an hour so I'll work more on the questions, prompts in the books again later. I did the bio but may need to add to it.
My brother: for telling me I'm too sensitive, for bullying me, for physical and emotional abuse when I was a kid including unlocking the bathroom and parading his friends in when I was 12 or 13 and embarrassed about my body anyway, for masturbating with his friends in front of me, for thinking it was funny to leave his pee in a crush can knowing I would drink out of it, for always feeling he could say whatever he wanted about my "poor" behavior but getting pissed if I tried to say that perhaps he had some issues also. The same goes for my sister-in-law. I've been bashed by them a lot.
P: for letting me have it for no reason and taking advantage of Orcas - living on my nickel - can't believe my brother would do that for me or my kids; then trashing the place
S: for not pursuing his dreams but then complaining about his life; not voting
G: for acting so uncaring; if she'd just acknowledge the feeling without solving the problem it would have been ok to point out the fallacies, etc. If she and dad would have just helped instead of needing us to come begging for it. They knew/know we need help but just can't give it.
the hiking group: for not stepping up to take on more responsibility; for not being committed to events; for having all their requests that I'm supposed to take into account, for all their complaints, for dropping the ball and causing me a panic attack or frustration beyond belief.
husband: for giving up being active, smoking, getting fat, negativity; always sees the worst possible result, emotionally reactive, angry, blaming, pushing about the sex thing, for every time I say something about the fact that it's hard to find stuff in the house blowing up and saying "I give up. I can't do anything today." It just grates on the nerves. He takes everything so personally even comments that aren't even generated at him. It's just my way of blowing off steam - albeit not the best way. I voice my frustration, but it isn't meant as an insult to any one person in the house. We all need to improve at putting stuff back where we found it! I will decide if I'm getting out of the relationship after the kids are gone - big stressor since they aren't his. If we can't repair the relationship when I'm working the program, it's not going to be repaired. He is just so damaged from his parents and from the military brainwashing. He's so damn conservative and narrow minded that sometimes it drives me crazy. The super loud, constant TV drives me nuts also. The sound is intrusive, and he had told me before marriage that he liked to be active - HA! His idea of activity is to walk between the TV and the kitchen. He only eats crap and doesn't exercise. He also has no boundaries - can't say no at work - works 100 hours - most of those for free. He says he has to or lose the job, but if he'd said no I can't work those hours except in a crisis, it would have stopped. I just hate that we can't share anything because he's in such bad shape. My biggest fear is that he will stroke out and be disabled rather than dying outright; then I'll be in a huge financial pickle. For spending too much money and continually running up credit cards. I hate being in debt.
Cousin: takes advantage, wants presents/money, announces his poverty at events and then tries to take all the leftovers; both of them are 300+ pounds and eat more than all of us but they always contribute the least. One time the wife shoved her hands in the pot (before my son had eaten) and pulled out the 4th of July grilled hot dogs; then asked "Oh, did anyone still want some?" They also make snide remarks, and he is just plain lewd in his comments. Why can't any of us say something? They need us more than we need them? I don't want to spend time with them! I don't like their behavior, but everyone lets it slide. My mom always says it's for her long dead sister that she puts up with him. One time when I had moved back in with mom, he also decided he needed a free place to stay. My son was really ill - 104 temp + I had just bought food. He invited some ho from Texas to spend the week with him at my mom's house. Mom was on vacation somewhere, but they left for Canada and left towels and crap all over the house like pigs so that I had to deal with it on top of my kid's illness + they ate all my food. I was living on student loans and paying my mom what I could and doing chores. He contributed nothing and made a mess; then he was gone so I couldn't make them pick up. How fing inconsiderate can one person be!
Tim Eyeman: for making our state bankrupt so that now we have more nickle and dime taxes - what a P in the Ass!
Water/Cable etc companies - for huge increases and less service - increases that are way more than our salaries ever increase
San Juan County: for raising taxes 300% and implementing ridiculous restrictions on the property and forcing us to try to sell property we have had for 5 generations!
Things I'm Grateful For:
1 my pets - I feel calm when I pet them
2 my family - as much as they drive me crazy, some of them would come through in a crisis - the less self centered among them that is
3 having a job that is really pretty darn decent and often enjoyable
4 having a warm, dry house
5 good books and movies
6 outdoor activities
7 a group of supportive friends
8 finding the Al-Anon program and not continuing to let myself be turned off by the God part
10 for beautiful children who I have faith will actually manage to turn out in the end
11 for still having my mom = her good points really do outweigh the bad
12 my brother - when he's being charming
13 the stars
14 the mountains
15 the sea and ocean
16 maintaining my weight - even though I'd like to also lose again - at least I'm down 30 from 3 years ago and feel healthier and better about controlling the overeating at least to some extent
17 sunsets
18 for whatever time I still have at the family cabin on Orcas
19 for Stehekin
20 healthy
21 kids aren't dead - just have not doing what I had expected - like finishing school
22 it could be so much worse - I could be living in the tsunami zone and homeless
- there but for the grace of God
23 Kiku has been clean for 7 weeks
24 Keisuke seems to be feeling better and signed up for school in the fall
25 the sig others of my kids seem to be pretty decent people
26. I'm not bankrupt. I have some resources that many people don't have.
27. my hiking friends - some definitely come through and are supportive when needed
28 - my hobbies
29 still have some income
30 the calm from the lake on wonderful nights
31 the stars
People I Think I Have Harmed:
my kids - mostly by doing too much for them but also by not listening well the last few years - wallowing too much in my own pain and head
my husband - the critical side of me focused on him - I have extremely bitchy periods - he is the brunt of it. I guess I feel safe that he won't walk away or reject me. I believe he needs me more than I need him - at least that's my arrogant point of view.
People In General: My dad always acted superior and patronizing which I hated. While I do my best to treat everyone equally, I have thought bad thoughts many times and in my mind or in my gossip put down obese people, road ragers, etc. I always call them names from my car. I want to engage them. I am so awful when I drive. My dad used to scream at people and get into a rage. He was so unsafe and frightening; now I find myself doing those things. It is embarrassing. It's something I feel guilt about . . .
I am not always humble. I know I have a high IQ, visual process - this type tends to be quicker - and academic ability so I can't always comprehend why some people can't grasp a situation as quickly as I can, retain information, etc. It's hard to have patience with some of the students - particularly the ones who are capable but Lazy but lazy.
I really get irritated by people who seem to lack self control. For example, my husband is quite overweight and I hate how he combs over his hair - we used to make fun of that type of man when we were young - yet he's now eating 1/2 gallon of ice cream followed by a smoke - yuck. I feel superior to him. I know this is a fault.
However, I beat myself up and feel inferior to some people. They somehow remind me of how my dad treated me so I feel stupid and hate feeling stupid and like I have to prove myself. What is it about them that provokes that feeling? that need to please/prove I'm likable?
I sometimes wonder if something I do turns people off because some of the people I'd like as friends don't seem interested in me. I don't like to go to parties or events where I don't know people as I just can't make idle conversation easily, feel inhibited, wonder why I can't find something witty to say, why I can't be good at socializing, why I'm not as likeable as some people I would consider boring, flighty, and stupid? dumb people seem so much happier and often do better as parents. Everyone has their abilities, but many times I can't see through to that. I wonder if there is something I do that is unlovable and sometimes feel too anxious about going that I don't go. I seem to attract some needy/crazy types and just put up with their behavior even thought they're unreliable and unpredictable because no-one else can go and they have some likeable qualities. I always felt it was accepting behavior, but I have one bipolar friend who can dump on me and be awfully abusive and completely unreliable. I feel I'm so good for sticking by her as a friend even though she usually can't be bothered to answer or reach out when I need a friend - mostly cuz she's too wrapped up in her own stuff.
I try to hard to be a good friend, to be there if needed, to check in when I know someone's hurting. I just don't understand why other people can't be that way - can't do what they say they will do. I was taught to say you'd do something; then stick to that plan you made - not just dump people/activities leaving those people in the lurch just cuz something better came up. I just don't get it. I only cancel if an emergency comes up; even then I don't always feel I can because I'm so stuck to that commitment and so worried about how my canceling would impact others when I'm the organizer. I feel stuck having all that responsibility, but I'm trying to stand up and say now that I need a second in charge in case I need to cancel and/or I'll just cancel the entire event. I'm also insisting that if you back out at the last minute, you need to pay your share, find another driver, and contribute your food instead of my being the one stuck replacing all those things at the last minute. I feel very dumped upon sometimes. I gave up doing weekend outings for awhile because of this kind of crap - no-one felt any obligation at all, but I did.
I can't get why people don't commit to our group. For me it's about getting out with friends - not all about the type of activity. I can't predict the weather so if you sign up, you're signing up for the alternative activity also. I feel like they aren't signing up as much anymore because I said they had to do something to contribute to being part of this group. I understand how easy it is to go along for the ride so that's the meetup flake factor, but there are some serious "takers" on this site. They don't want to give anything to it - not even drive once but yet they have the nerve to ask for special changes. I just need to be tough and NOT respond to that - just state don't like it don't have to go, but I so fear they'll leave the group, but of course that would be good because if they aren't really seeing themselves as a part of the group, it's no good for me anyhow.
Codependent Behaviors:
Peace at any Price - put up with a lot of abuse so I wouldn't rock someone's boat or have to deal with their emotions
resentful about spending all my money and time on others: used to feel a reward for being loving, but the last few years I just feel resentment - want to be selfish
pain that kids didn't meet expectations of finishing school and going on to successful careers - actually rather embarrassing to me at first; getting beyond that, but I still felt grief and all its stages
nagging/reminding
do things others could do for themselves such as make appointments - embarrassing when they don't show up
resent the whole Christmas crap - it was fun when others were involved - now I just have to do all the work and have none of the fun - just plain sick of it so I get angry every Christmas now
Things I Feel Guilty About:
1. losing my temper - especially with my child - I apologize each time - it doesn't happen often, but I think it's a result of gunnysacking and then feeling resentful
2. I feel an obligation to return gifts or favors. I guess I am learning about "pay it forward" and being better about accepting someone doing something nice for me even when I haven't thought about doing something for that person or have been unable to do something.
3. If I've been upset about something someone did and badmouthed them for it as often I really like that person in spite of hurtful or negative things.
4. That I can't honestly tell certain people how I feel about what they do for fear of their reaction. I am giving them control; that bothers me. I tend to avoid conflict or anything that I think might hurt someone even though I really don't like being around that person.
My Values:
1. I am against breaking the law except minor things like speeding or marijuana. I guess that would mean that I don't break the laws I feel aren't stupid. I don't want to pay the consequences, though, so I don't even usually break those other than to go 5 miles or so over the speed limit.
2. I want to be helpful and supportive to my friends and family. I would like this to be in a healthy way now.
3. I believe in earning what I get and feel obligated to return favors. However, I do think the "pay it forward" principal is reasonable.
I will now answer the questions as posed in "Paths to Recovery":
1. Am I willing to look honestly at myself? What stands in my way? Yes, because life had become so overwhelming that I knew something had to change in order for me to survive. What would stand in my way would be pride and embarrassment for being needy. I have left most of that behind. I actually believe that looking honestly at my self will relieve me of the pain of beating myself up, guilty for things I haven't done wrong, all those feelings can be lifted as I begin to question, listen, and learn to grow again. I feel I've been stagnating for years just on coping and survival mode. Those ways of coping were failing. I needed friends and a support system. I still like my alone time, but I'm more willing to make time for looking inward and filling my soul with something good. I was frightened of the emptiness, the feeling that I just no longer cared. I'm sure there's some element of depression even though I don't feel sadness most of the time.
2. Have I sought help from my Higher Power? my sponsor? other Al-Anon members? I still haven't figured out the sponsor, but I have been asking for guidance about whom to ask. I did finally make a couple of calls to members and somehow need to squeeze out the time to do that every week. It may help me find a sponsor also. I feel my higher power telling me to do this step. I feel so busy and stressed, but I think it is what I need to do.
3. What suggestions have I tried? I have followed the codependents and other Al-Anon book to start with positive, add some negative, talk about resentments
4. Do I understand the spiritual principle of an inventory? I believe in spirit as in soul and the fact that I am part of the universe. I am looking at my whole being. Otherwise, I guess I don't even understand the question meaning that maybe I don't understand what I'm being asked.
5. What do "searching" and "fearless" mean to me? It means to me that I must have the courage to really look at myself and try to see everything and get it out in the light even though it means I have to face the pain to do that.
6. What does a "moral inventory" mean? I think it means looking at the code of ethics that underlies all my decisions.
Next part of this:
1. In what ways am I caring? How do I empathize with other people? Am I kind to myself? Am I kind to the elderly? Children? My family? My friends? Those in need of my assistance? Am I agreeable and courteous?
I try to reach out and at least ask how things are going when I know someone is having a difficult time. I know that if I'm hurting, just having someone show that they are thinking of me at that time is helpful. I feel supported. Even if I can't do more than that or send a little card or gift, I still feel I care. I also think about what will happen to others. I used to get so wrapped up in others that their pain was my pain. That is not the case anymore. Sometimes I even wonder if I have become unfeeling or if I have just become healthier. I feel super self centered at times. If they're having an experience I've had, I can completely understand. Sometimes I can just imagine how I would feel. I do my best to stay in the moment and think about the gist of their experience. I was offering advise and solutions, but now I just try to listen and sometimes talk about my experience in case something about that is helpful. I'm moving myself away from solving problems and fixing everything because I know how much that irritates me when my husband doesn't listen but just barks out ways to fix it. That is very action oriented but not really feeling oriented or respectful as it doesn't give the person a chance to reflect and find their own path.
Am I kind to myself and others? To others I try to at least be polite and courteous - except sometimes when driving or if someone pushes me just too far. I don't think I've always been very kind to my husband. I know I haven't been kind to myself as I was constantly beating myself up and blaming myself for every single bad thing that happened to us. I am trying to stop that self talk now by substituting slogans or repeating the word "serenity" and reminding myself to be grateful for what I have and try to let the worries go. Progress not Perfection. I am trying to mean what I say and say what I mean as without healthy boundaries, my children suffer.
2. How am I tolerant? I feel that I am accepting of other lifestyles unless that lifestyle is one of intolerance. I am intolerant of intolerance - seems an oxymoron. I do not feel that I judge others for different lifestyles, but I must admit I don't like the octomoms and religious zealots out there. I accept others' faults much more easily than I accept my own - or my husband's for that matter. I am hard on both of us but not so on others. I guess that I am not completely tolerant as I have decided to wipe a couple of people out of my life because I can't deal with their snide remarks in the guise of humor or their dysfunction anymore. I let them abuse me; then complained. It seemed better just to have them out of my life. I did confront Becky in the nicest possible way; she blew up. I haven't confronted my cousin and his wife - just wiped her off my FB - classic conflict avoidance I suppose.
3. Am I open to another's point of view? This one can be hard for me if it's a painful truth. I have always listened. Sometimes I'm not sure if that's good or not as sometimes I listen and then absorb the nasty message. However, I have found that truth comes when I don't expect it or possibly even accept it at first so I am learning to keep an open mind. I always thought I had an open mind, but when I look closely at my reactions, I realize that I don't always. I have sometimes misinterpreted an opinion as criticism when actually the person was speaking a truth that I wasn't ready to accept.
4. Do I listen in meetings and accept that others have needs different from mine? I have always been a courteous listener. It really bothers me when people don't listen to the person speaking. Sometimes I interrupt conversations but never meetings. I understand that what works for me is not always helpful or useful to someone else. My issues may not be exactly the same. I am finding that I can learn from an unexpected source if I keep myself open and listening. I have to admit that sometimes I can't focus well as I'm so exhausted or in an emotional state, but I do at least remain respectfully quiet. I must say that the Wed. meeting drove me a bit nutty at times because people there don't stay on task and talk far too long - control and dominate the conversation, and no-one spoke up about it. I was brand new to the Al-Anon experience and didn't feel it was my right. I often won't express any controversial opinion in a group. I just don't do well with what might come back. It's a big fear.
5. Do I practice patience with a newcomer? Yes. I have reached out to a newcomer by phone. I have also done my best to act welcoming and answer any questions I can.
6. How am I trustworthy? do I pay my bills? Am I prompt? Do I fulfill my commitments? Do I act responsible in my job? How much can my family and friends depend on me? I am completely trustworthy. I go overboard on this one, but lately I have given myself permission to cancel or change something if I don't feel up to it. I do everything on time. I am responsible at work, though I have sloughed off a bit at this school. At least I feel like I could do more - I get too wrapped up in personal issues.
7. How am I honest? Do I tell the whole truth? In not, what stops me from telling the truth? I think of myself as quite honest, but if something will hurt someone or I worry about it not being accepted by someone I don't know well, I will hide the whole truth. I also won't say my completely true feelings if I can't find a kind way to do so.
8. In what ways to I take care of myself? do I make needed medical appointments? Do I dress appropriately? Do I eat healthy food? Exercise? meditate? I do all of these, but I don't make time for meditation. This is an area that needs work. I need to carve out quiet time. I do my reading and feel some answers that way, but it is not completely meditation.
9. How am I respectful? Do I take care of material things, whether mine or others? Do I show respect for the law? I do both of these things. I try not to be rude to others and to listen more to their truth.
10. How am I generous? Do I contribute to my group? To the WSO triannual appeal? Have I contributed by volunteering to be a trusted servant? I contribute and volunteer for tasks at meetings. Eventually, I will carve out some time to do a bit more such as help with potlucks.
11. In what ways do I look for the good in others? I am working on looking for commonality with others. I trust people and tend to believe they are good rather than bad. I don't search out the negatives.
12. How am I kind? am I considerate of other people? Do I listen patiently to a friend in need? Do I offer help when asked? do I think to point out the good in others? I feel considerate. I'm not always patient, but I try to listen when someone is in crisis. My time obsession tends to be somewhere, and my focus is not what it was. I can do better about noticing the good of others. I try to make comments that are true so it is a real compliment rather than contrived.
13. How do I open myself up to others? I will talk about situations and put myself out there in terms of meeting new people. I look for what is common and try to develop that for a relationship.
14. How am I practical? do I have a budget? How often do I recognize what needs to be done and then do my share? I don't do well with consistency in terms of budgeting. I try to keep an eye on expenditures - doing a bit better. I do what I see needs to be done at home, work, Al Anon.
15. How am I dependable? How often do I meet work deadlines? do I organize well and carry out what I decide to do? I meet deadlines always - compulsive about that. I can organize and carry out. I can't always stick with a new plan.
16. What are my talents? Do I have artistic gifts? Do I beautify my surroundings? Do I have mechanical skills? Languages, music - didn't really develop it or the talent the art teacher saw in me. I can organize events and bring people together.
17. Do I have trouble with intimate relationships? Why or why not? I would say that I do. I have good friends, but I often see them go off together rather than choosing to be with me. I am not sure why. I don't do well with marriage. Perhaps I like being alone too much. Perhaps I like to be in charge too much. Perhaps I just don't listen enough. Perhaps I am too busy with my own life.
18. In what ways do I express myself clearly and concisely? I am working on this area.
19. How do I see the humor in life and express it? I tend to take things a bit too seriously, but I still try to see humor and enjoy it. I can laugh myself into the ground and have tears rolling out. I can even be funny. Sometimes I get onto a roll and can be entertaining.
20. How am I optimistic? Hope never completely disappears. I never give up. I am learning to choose to make it a good day.
21. How do I practice my faith in a HP? In myself? In others? How do I share my faith? Do I have an attitude of gratitude? I am working to let go and admit I can't control events/life. It is up to my HP. I have been telling others about my new philosophy and listening to their ideas. I have been watching more religious shows and taking what I lick from them. I realize how fortunate I really am and try to remember to thank my HP every time something great happens and at least once every single day.
22. How am I humble? Do I ask God for guidance and follow it to the best of my ability? When have I allowed others to share their wisdom with me? Do I ever admit mistakes? How patient am I with myself? Yes. I ask God to help me determine how best to handle a situation. I try to be quiet and listen and follow that inner voice. I listen to others talk about how they live their lives. I admit mistakes even more than I used to. Before I would get a bit defensive, but I am working on not explaining or justifying what I do but just admitting I'm not perfect. I would love to be better immediately but realize it will take all my life. I can't force learning.
Liabilities:
1. In what ways am I resentful? do I harbor grudges? I have harbored grudges against people who were rude to me. I have let most of that go, but once in awhile, old anger boils up such as against Brent Klein or my father - people I feel were dishonest and unfair in their treatment of me. I resent the rich because I secretly want to be one of them. I resent people with happy families who do normal things like attend graduations. I have mostly let these go, but I still find myself a little sad now and then and unable to celebrate for those people without that little feeling of why not me coming out.
2. Whom do I resent from my past? Why? What was my part in it? My part: I usually did not speak up for myself. I just became depressed and defeated. I allowed those attitudes to take over and felt broken.
3. Do I resent authority figures? Why? What is my part in it? Not usually, but I do find myself resenting bad drivers - particularly those with nice cars. I realize I am jealous of those appearing to be more materially successful than I.
4. Do I resent places or things? Why? What is my part in it? I have come to resent our property on Orcas for all that it costs and all the problems that it continues to present. I loved it, but I want to be done now. I'm not sure what my part is - attitude I guess. I could choose to see it as FOGs, but the expenditures are killing me. I thought it was going to save me, but problems come up at the last minute and I have to pray hard that it will be resolved so I can be free.
5. When do I judge other people harshly and resent their not doing what I think I should? Traffic situations. People who don't seem to commit to any activity - just drop when something comes along that's better than what they planned to do with me. I dislike disloyalty and not being dependable. I also get pissed when my husband drops the ball on things I asked him to do like pick up the guitar for my son etc. I get even angrier when I see him go back to his addictions as cigarettes stink plus cigarettes and cokes are a waste of money. The cokes exaccerbate his nasty moods also. I have to work hard to practice live and let live. He has good points. It's just not a good marriage. I feel stuck with someone who lied about sharing my passions with me. I don't share his now either - just not interested in standing around waiting for a fish or killing animals. I harbor so much resentment. I know it doesn't help me. It's important to deal with this! I also resent my kids for not going through school and getting jobs. I feel like we can't do things like travelling as they take all the money. I let that happen. I contributed by rescuing them too much.
6. Do I hold everyone and everything to an impossible standard of ideal perfection? No. I think I may be unrealistic about what to expect from my husband, but I have just said as long as the kids are self supporting, I do not expect them to be what I had hoped for myself.
7. How do I judge myself? I have been very harsh with myself. I was taught to be highly critical.
8. Am I fearful? What do I fear? I don't think so, but I think perhaps I fear that someone I really loved would abandon me and so I don't allow myself to get that close.
9. Am I dishonest? Am I holding secrets? Do I lie rather than "cause a scene"? What dishonestly have I hidden from others? Usually not. I think sometimes I am not completely open due to lack of courage rather than lying or holding secrets.
10. Do I feel sorry for myself? Am I filled with self pity? How do I feel I have been made a victim? What is my part in it? I let myself get depressed and feel sorry for myself. I felt I had a "kick me" stamp on my forehead, but I realize now that I put it there. I let myself feel broken and defeated because I had expectations of life being some kind of rose garden. I just didn't understand that it would always be full of problems and chores. It is what it is. I am coming to terms with accepting that.
11. Am I a fixer? do I like to be in charge? do I get upset when I can't win? What consequences have I had from taking care of others instead of myself? Yes. The consequences of fixing things for others is that now they can't function on their own. I took that away from them. I thought it was my job as a mom.
12. In what ways do I trust myself in dealing with others? Do I go to safe places? Do I remove myself from potentially dangerous situations even if it's in my own home? I am safe. I am doing better about listening to my gut. If it says a person is not healthy for me, I am disengaging.
13. In what ways am I comfortable with my own sexuality? Do I enjoy sex? If I am having sexual difficulties, do I know why? Have I sought professional help? I used to. Now I prefer pleasuring myself because it doesn't involve all the work. I think I am just so disappointed and angry about the bad marriage that I don't want to be intimate. I have no desire. I know this is one of the things I need to work on when I go back to counseling - finding out why I'm no longer interested.
14. Do I have a God of love or a God of fear in my life? How can I change my attitude toward my HP? I used to see God as a source of shame and guilt - a punisher for sins. I have changed to a loving God and keep that in mind in my relationship with him.
15. Do I take on responsibilities that are not mine? Why or why not? Working on not doing this anymore. It doesn't help others.
16. Do I do for others what they can do for themselves? Why? I did. I thought it was helping them and doing what was right for them. I know better now.
17. Do I feel responsible for someone else's learning, marriage, or sobriety? Why? I did. I guess I thought I could control what happened and not feel such anxiety if I could fix everything. I know now that it is not my life to live.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
