Wednesday - Kiku's car broke down because she had ignored the check engine light just a little too long. Next time when she says there's a light, instead of responding in my usual way, I need to say, "What are you going to do about it?" That way, she can process an effective response without my stepping in to rescue her because she postponed dealing with it. We both learn a more effective way to deal with problems.
Thursday graduation night - it's late; I can't figure out Keisuke's headlights. I call to hear he's on his way to the hospital. Panic sets in. I imagine all kinds of things that could have happened because he can't talk. I think hospital? There's no hospital all Orcas. I then go straight to what a waste of money and think he hasn't dealt with it appropriately. This is stinking thinking at its best. It turns out he did make good decisions. I cried and whined about my lot in life with one horrid mess after another. Is that my way of not letting myself feel the real pain? Is it a defense mechanism? How could I react in a more positive way? I could quote slogans. I might have a chance to pick up the phone once I'm out of the car. I am suffering a lot from exhaustion. One other thing I change: I never plan to go anywhere the first 3-4 days after school lets out. I need that time to rest and reorganize my life so that I can do things from a position of strength. Was I being too prideful about helping put things away last night? Did I do it just because of what people would think? I really just wanted to go home and sleep. If I hadn't called Keisuke, would I have found out what was going on. I guess later that evening but late enough that I wouldn't have caused Glen and my mom huge anxiety and sleeplessness. 1:30 a.m. I heard again; then 8:30 this a.m. She seems to be fine and it was food poisoning. Why didn't Keisuke or my mom get it? I couldn't help feeling sorry for myself and Keisuke that his birthday was ruined. I'm glad Jenny's ok. I hope they can go back to Orcas. I'm getting a lot more practice with this last minute planning as now I can't be sure I'm going to Stehekin. I'm in a stew; yet a strong voice says get the refund as that's the smartest plan. That way I can still go, but the worry about losing more money is gone. Is my lesson to learn about letting go of money and learning to have faith that it will be ok? Money is a huge source of anxiety for me. I think a lot of it is because I don't want to lose things and I so want to have a vacation place and have my debts paid off. Maybe it's not meant to be. Bad idea to have property again. I'm impatient for these answers to be revealed as uncertainty is so tough for me. Do I have more anxiety than others? Should I be on meds? These are questions to answer.
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