**Need to change our attitudes and learn new ways of feeling comfortable with ourselves and others. Do the opposite of what you would normally do**
1. Can I treat the past as the past and start on a new road to constructive action? My dad used to say the past is archeaology. I need to remember to quote that to myself and stop and THINK before dredging up past wrongs and hurt to throw in people's faces. It truly doesn't matter anymore. It means I'm stuck and unable to forgive. Harboring resentments hurts me - not the others. The example from my present is my brother being so angry at my father and fuming over things he did, but my father has been dead for 3.5 years. It can't hurt him for my brother to take revenge. It's only hurting my brother. It's easier to see in someone else than in yourself. I know I have past hurts in there, but now that I have written most of them down, I feel liberated. Of course, they may come back, but I can write them down and let them go again. Writing journals is therapeutic for me. Last night's suggestion that you deal with anger/revenge by writing down exactly what you believe you should say to the person; then look at how awful it is; your bad feeling will dissipate.
2. Am I realistic about my abilities and limitations? Probably more so than when I was younger and thought mostly negative things about myself. I still fear to take risks by starting conversations in unfamiliar situations. I have lots of people walk away from me so I worry that I am boring/annoying or something else unpleasant when that happens. Perhaps they see/intuit that insecurity, and it turns them off. I used to wonder why people wouldn't give me a chance as I can be funny and pleasant when I relax. I still tend to downgrade myself. I used to think I was great as an office worker/manager; I often feel negative about my teaching abilities. I fear criticism and I fear not being able to keep up when hiking. I'm not sure why I have so much fear, but I realize it was learned. It can, therefore, be unlearned. Some may be part of my personality genetically, but many blocks can be overcome. I feel so much noise in my mind if I don't practice self care in the form of exercise that I have a hard time finding peace those days. I feel serene this week because I got out and worked hard physically.
3. If I have tried and failed, can I use what I have learned? I think that before Al-Anon, I had stopped looking at myself and trying to grow. I was trying to run away actually by staying super busy. Now I see what I can improve and am working to move forward and implement that new way of doing things. My usual way of approaching kids doesn't work. Leaving notes asking for their help or for them to sit down to a family meeting isn't working. My next strategy: ask for 5-10 minutes per day to honestly sit down and share feedback. With Kiku that could mean reading a passage and asking her input; what does she see me doing that could change; what does she feel about the passage - is it something that resonates with her or not. Keisuke: tell him how I react each time - is that what he wants? If he wants my attention, can he ask for it in a positive manner? Reinforce it subtly each time. Explain that I want to change MY unhealthy ways of reacting and behaving. It may seem unpredictable and scary at first, but eventually the goal is to find a sane way of dealing with issues and to back off and let him figure out his own way to deal with insomnia, depression, doctors, structuring time, self care, etc. Maybe he also has all the noise in his head. Basically, as soon as I react and think about a solution, I need to run it by someone in the program before following through as I need to let go of my comfort zone as it is not a good place to be. What I normally would do hasn't worked well.
4. Am I willing to admit there is room for improvement in my relationships with family and friends? Absolutely. I could be manipulative and controlling to get what I wanted rather than feeling disappointment when people would not come through. I would try to force them to come through for me. I overreact or underreact. I can be passive aggressive, resentful, fearful of rejection - all of this leads me to whine and feel terribly put upon. Perhaps if I thought about a way to simply state what I need and figure out some natural consequence if that doesn't happen. If we could all start sharing that, but it has to begin with me as if not, I'm forcing a solution on them again. I thought what if I just refused to do the chores? Would they eventually get tired of the mess and do the work? What if the next time I'm asked for money, I say where was your time and money when I asked you to do something? I can't completely do that with Kiku as she needs to get to appointments, but she could start scheduling them together to save money and back and forth on the car. I think I need to talk to her about consequences and her contract.
5. Can I accept the fact that I can't control the alcoholic nor any other adult? Mostly I would say yes, and then I find that I am wanting to share what is helping me. I understand that it is another method of controlling and that it is better that I focus on me. My example may be a motivator for change. I need to just state suggestions; then walk away instead of pressing it in 100 different ways. It's a challenge for me not to get sucked into anxiety about my kids' feelings and futures. My emotions tend to roll with how they sound on the phone or look like they feel. I realize that I have both given away my power as they are controlling me - not always on purpose as to say that it is would be attributing motives to them that I can't be sure they really have. This one means I need to reread passages and let things go - progress not perfection.
6. Do I avoid judging the alcoholic's motives and behavior? Judging as in being negative about them or thinking of them as losers I don't do. However, I do think I try to analyze what they are feeling from their faces and behavior. That is a form of judgment I suppose. That is something I have to let go as I can't possibly know what's in another's head.
7. Can I accept people whose social background is different from mine? Yes, I often receive compliments for how respectful I am of anyone, but inside my head I do judge grammar as speech shows education level. I try not to do it, but it is a social class marker. I sometimes believe I can't have much in common with someone who cannot speak properly. I also note lots of tatoos, smokers, dirty and smelly people. I have to wonder what could we have in common, but I can find at least something in common with everyone - perhaps even that dimwit Sara Palin! I believe I do a wonderful job of relating, but the thoughts are there. I have to step on them to let it go. I realize that I am no better nor worse than anyone else. We all have our story.
8. Do I make an effort to increase my knowledge of important social issues? I have to say that I don't make time for this much, but I used to be active in this area. Once my kids came along, I didn't stay up to date. I have some idea what is going on but not enough to be a full contributer to any discussion or fight for a cause. I participate in the online messages to legislatures but truly desire to work for insurance and drug policy changes. I feel strongly that at the very least insurance companies need to cover substance abuse treatment just as they would any other illness. Today I actually spent some time looking up healthcare law and sending my complaint/inquiry to Mike Kreidler.
9. Can I take a stand and express my opinions diplomatically? I get a sinking feeling in my stomach and rehearse it a lot. I can do this better with co-workers than with family. If someone expresses themselves inappropriately, I can sometimes get hooked in by that. For example, a hiking friend is extremely direct and tells me I need to sit down instead of washing dishes or packing for the next day because "I drive her nuts when I do that." I feel the emotion rising at this. It is hard not to respond in kind, but I know this is her issue. I feel comfortable preparing ahead and having dishes done before bed. Those aren't really habits I want to change because I like to sleep as long as possible as my biorhythym is for late nights. I also worry that my opinion is controversial enough to set someone else off so I sometimes let those kind of things go. I also don't like to interrupt trains of thought so by the time I get a chance to break in, it's often too late for that particular statement. I can be bad about interrupting one person talking but groups mean waiting. This is an area for me to continue working until I feel comfortable. I may have to use the script for awhile. It's hard to get away from "you" types of statements.
10. Have I truly accepted alcoholism as an illness? Yes, I realize it's an illness and that probably the people I know affected by this would have come to addiction somehow no matter what I did. I still have a hard time backing off the anxiety about relapses. However, I felt that same anxiety when my daughter was seriously ill with a super bacterial infection so I think it's anxiety about losing someone I love more than about the particular illness. I could talk to others about that illness and receive understanding. That's not always the case with addiction.
11. Have I been able to take the focus of my attention off the alcoholic and place it on myself? I think I'm becoming more and more successful about this. Sometimes I wonder if it's too much so. I spend a lot of time exercising to feel better about myself/get the weight under control. Now I spend a lot of time on the program. I feel that I am neglecting my job in all of this. I am trying to pay more attention to my husband and job.
12. Can I express myself openly despite the risk involved in the alcoholic's reaction? I'm getting better, but I still feel I'm being controlled by my fear of the reaction. I don't talk to my ex about much of anything. I have a hard time approaching my daughter when her walls are up. I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere, but now I'm trying to just speak my truth and believe that eventually things will improve.
13. Do I have realistic expectations of the sober alcoholic? When she was in detox and the early recovery period, she was willing to talk and work hard on changing behaviors, but lately she isn't. It seems to be back to the way it was. Is it a sign of upcoming relapse, or is it just issues that were there before? Is it a natural part of her recovery? I don't expect it will be perfect. I did get my hopes up a bit when she talked about her goals again, but she hasn't done that recently.
14. Am I grateful for sobriety despite the new problems it may bring? YES! With sobriety I know she is alive. That means we will have the time to work on the issues. As long as she lives, there is hope. I'm just realizing that even with sobriety, the girl I knew may no longer exist. I have to get to know this developing person.
15. Do I realize that many of my problems are common to almost everyone who has lived with an alcoholic? I know that now. I didn't know that when I came to Al-Anon. I felt alone and thought I was the only one who overreacted to little things and took over calmly in a crisis or sometimes shut down also. I have heard many stories now and know I am not unique or alone.
16. Do I respect my loved one as an individual, viewing our differences as complementary parts of our relationship? I'm coming to that point of letting go of expectations and realizing that while we don't seem to share a lot of common interests, there is still enough for us to build on. We do love each other even if we don't quite get each other.
17. Am I wise enough not to expect a partner to fill all my emotional needs? I realize that I can't get all that I need from one person so I have branched out a lot more in building a wider support system - friends who share my activities, friends who truly get what's happened to me (Al-Anon), and my family. I don't look to my children to give that as they don't seem capable of being emotionally supportive on a daily, long term basis so it's best to look for that in Al-Anon.
18. Am I pleasant to my loved one's friends? Yes. I am polite and courteous to all even some of the boyfriends/girlfriends I was particularly thrilled about. My husband doesn't seem to have friends, but that is his choice so I can't do much about that.
19. Have I honestly assessed my feelings about sex and my sexual relationship? I have not been much into that aspect of my life. I'm not sure if it's perimenopause or some unfaced anger/resentment/disappointment in the partner and my life. I hear that often when people lose interest in this type of relationship, it's because of some type of repressed anger. I don't often feel that anger, but I'm not interested. It's something I eventually need to address in couples' therapy.
20. Am I open to the idea that children have their own problems and that they need to be guided not dominated? Yes. I thought I was guiding, but I realize that I did overstep into rescuing like the last minute runs to the store for materials for a project they knew about but waited til the last minute! It would have been better to let them fail early on in school. At some point, the children stopped talking but would sometimes just dump something on me. I had gotten into that habit of solving things for myself and just extended that to them thinking I was being a good parent. Now I am working hard on asking myself if it's something they can do for themselves. This is one of my toughest areas. I know they will have their own pain and issues. It's hard to watch, but I need to work on mine not theirs.
21. Do I appreciate children as individuals, avoiding comparisons? Yes. Once in awhile when I'm down, I can't help looking at other families and wishing I had what they had in terms of the relationships I see - at least getting together to celebrate milestones. My kids don't want that, and I can't quite understand it, but most of the time I feel I accept it as what other choice do I really have? I wish the paths had been different, but I've been working on letting that go. It comes from shame. I was so proud; then their falls from grace were so large that it's hard to talk about them and not think about the what could have been. I have grieved and mostly feel I've come to peace and acceptance, but sometimes those painful feelings come rushing back.
22. Do I remember that they ARE children and that THEIR immature behavior is reasonable in light of their age? It's hard for me to think so at 18 and 21 as I remember being super responsible and not wanting to disappoint my parents. They don't seem to feel that. I know I did some dumb things as I found my way. People say that age is still adolescent and to remember that they are still figuring out who they are as adults. Drugs took that process away from my daughter so she is frozen back at the traumas at 17 so I need to let her develop.
23. Have I been realistic in my assessment of how children are affected by alcoholism? Probably I wasn't. I could have done things differently had I known. I knew they had unusual behavior, but I didn't realize why. I'm learning. I'm praying daily for the light to come to them so that they can grow beyond this and recover.
24. Do I allow adult children to make their own decisions? I have been working on this. Sometimes I think I let them take too much control and decision making. I sure haven't always been pleased with those results, but I think the more I say, the more they dug into a bad decision so my main goal now is to let them live with the consequences instead of taking on those results.
25. Have I forgiven my parents for any mistakes they made in my upbringing? Yes. I tried hard not to be like them, but somehow going too far the other direction wasn't good for my kids either. At least I know we were all motivated by wanting to do our best for our children. I don't believe mistakes were made from malicious intent.
26. Am I emotionally detached, seeking a healthy form of independence from my parents? Yes. My father is dead, and I talk to my mom weekly and try to see her monthly, but I don't expect them to take care of me. Now it's rather the opposite as health issues come more and more to the forefront.
27. Can I be honest and open with them? I have had some heart to hearts with them. I think we resolved our issues. I haven't been to the point of hurting them. There's no need for that, but we have acknowledged issues and worked on them.
28. Have I forgotten old friends, organizations, doctors, or institutions who didn't do all that I expected should have been done to help our situation? Mostly. I don't dwell on that anymore as what good would it do. Of course, I still fantasize once in awhile about taking a wildly successful student and parading it in front of them to say that this is in spite of them, but usually I never think about any of that these days.
29. Am I trying to build healthy friendships in which I can be the real me? Yes. I am working on being more direct and stating my feeling simply rather than burying everything in an indirect way. I would like to rebuild a couple of relationships since I have been so sad and emotional through a lot of this that I feel embarrassed about the hiking friends as I don't feel that's a place to be totally real. Perhaps they accept it just fine, but I am the one who can't. I like being the rock not being the one in the hard place. I like to think that I can also be there in that way for others. I tend to be too wrapped up in what's going on to have the time to commit to much besides the hiking group, family, work, and Al-Anon. I know that what I say at Al-Anon will be accepted. I just need the time to develop those friendships. It takes me awhile to feel truly safe probably because I am always judging myself and always felt I wasn't really likeable but couldn't figure out why.
30. Am I striving to find purpose and meaning in my work? Work has been neglected a bit. I love interactions with students, but I haven't been working on new ideas or practices for awhile. I've been too involved in recovery and hiking for stress relief.
31. Am I interested in my community? Yes, but I don't seem to do much in that area unless the hiking group can be considered community interest. I feel like I've done a great job building a network. A lot of them appreciate that.
Findings:
Positive Attitudes: Learning to build a healthy support network and make different choices about trigger situations. Learning to let go of children. Learning to ignore spouse's outbursts - he's not on a path to growth and is quite negative and full of self pity. I may choose to leave the relationship rather than being around that on a constant basis.
Negative Attitudes: Allow traffic and time too much control. Obsess about losing weight to feel better about myself.
Other Ideas:
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