1. anxiety?
2. skin
3. weight
Friday, June 17, 2011
What a Week! June 17 - my son's 18th
Wednesday - Kiku's car broke down because she had ignored the check engine light just a little too long. Next time when she says there's a light, instead of responding in my usual way, I need to say, "What are you going to do about it?" That way, she can process an effective response without my stepping in to rescue her because she postponed dealing with it. We both learn a more effective way to deal with problems.
Thursday graduation night - it's late; I can't figure out Keisuke's headlights. I call to hear he's on his way to the hospital. Panic sets in. I imagine all kinds of things that could have happened because he can't talk. I think hospital? There's no hospital all Orcas. I then go straight to what a waste of money and think he hasn't dealt with it appropriately. This is stinking thinking at its best. It turns out he did make good decisions. I cried and whined about my lot in life with one horrid mess after another. Is that my way of not letting myself feel the real pain? Is it a defense mechanism? How could I react in a more positive way? I could quote slogans. I might have a chance to pick up the phone once I'm out of the car. I am suffering a lot from exhaustion. One other thing I change: I never plan to go anywhere the first 3-4 days after school lets out. I need that time to rest and reorganize my life so that I can do things from a position of strength. Was I being too prideful about helping put things away last night? Did I do it just because of what people would think? I really just wanted to go home and sleep. If I hadn't called Keisuke, would I have found out what was going on. I guess later that evening but late enough that I wouldn't have caused Glen and my mom huge anxiety and sleeplessness. 1:30 a.m. I heard again; then 8:30 this a.m. She seems to be fine and it was food poisoning. Why didn't Keisuke or my mom get it? I couldn't help feeling sorry for myself and Keisuke that his birthday was ruined. I'm glad Jenny's ok. I hope they can go back to Orcas. I'm getting a lot more practice with this last minute planning as now I can't be sure I'm going to Stehekin. I'm in a stew; yet a strong voice says get the refund as that's the smartest plan. That way I can still go, but the worry about losing more money is gone. Is my lesson to learn about letting go of money and learning to have faith that it will be ok? Money is a huge source of anxiety for me. I think a lot of it is because I don't want to lose things and I so want to have a vacation place and have my debts paid off. Maybe it's not meant to be. Bad idea to have property again. I'm impatient for these answers to be revealed as uncertainty is so tough for me. Do I have more anxiety than others? Should I be on meds? These are questions to answer.
Thursday graduation night - it's late; I can't figure out Keisuke's headlights. I call to hear he's on his way to the hospital. Panic sets in. I imagine all kinds of things that could have happened because he can't talk. I think hospital? There's no hospital all Orcas. I then go straight to what a waste of money and think he hasn't dealt with it appropriately. This is stinking thinking at its best. It turns out he did make good decisions. I cried and whined about my lot in life with one horrid mess after another. Is that my way of not letting myself feel the real pain? Is it a defense mechanism? How could I react in a more positive way? I could quote slogans. I might have a chance to pick up the phone once I'm out of the car. I am suffering a lot from exhaustion. One other thing I change: I never plan to go anywhere the first 3-4 days after school lets out. I need that time to rest and reorganize my life so that I can do things from a position of strength. Was I being too prideful about helping put things away last night? Did I do it just because of what people would think? I really just wanted to go home and sleep. If I hadn't called Keisuke, would I have found out what was going on. I guess later that evening but late enough that I wouldn't have caused Glen and my mom huge anxiety and sleeplessness. 1:30 a.m. I heard again; then 8:30 this a.m. She seems to be fine and it was food poisoning. Why didn't Keisuke or my mom get it? I couldn't help feeling sorry for myself and Keisuke that his birthday was ruined. I'm glad Jenny's ok. I hope they can go back to Orcas. I'm getting a lot more practice with this last minute planning as now I can't be sure I'm going to Stehekin. I'm in a stew; yet a strong voice says get the refund as that's the smartest plan. That way I can still go, but the worry about losing more money is gone. Is my lesson to learn about letting go of money and learning to have faith that it will be ok? Money is a huge source of anxiety for me. I think a lot of it is because I don't want to lose things and I so want to have a vacation place and have my debts paid off. Maybe it's not meant to be. Bad idea to have property again. I'm impatient for these answers to be revealed as uncertainty is so tough for me. Do I have more anxiety than others? Should I be on meds? These are questions to answer.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Contract With Kiku
As an adult member of a household, you would be expected to contribute your share to the finances and chores of the house. These are some expectations of you as a responsible adult.
1. Gas/Food Money: Plan/set aside a reasonable amount each week. That means you must schedule appointments same time/date as other things in that area. The back and forth is hard on the car; gas is super expensive. Your car needs maintenance. Food: put items on the grocery list - eat before you go - lots of leftovers or we can get easy things to take with you - still cheaper than your eating out constantly. We were already in serious debt; it's going to get worse with cutbacks at my job starting the end of August. Please only buy what you think you will eat. You have been buying expensive items; then letting them rot. I think one expensive item per shopping plus buy less each time to avoid wasting. Some meetings can be nearby.
Reasonable consequence: less money for shopping following time; less gas money
2. Chores: Please do at least one chore per day - max. 30 minutes. This would also be expected at a sober house. At the very least, rinse your dishes and put them in the dishwasher; add your items to the grocery list; keep your bathroom clean; vacuum your room weekly as there is a resurgence in bed bugs. They say the best way to combat that is to vacuum regularly. IF you aren't working when I return to work, I think a fair contribution as a fellow adult member of this house is for you to cook and clean. It wouldn't take more than a couple hours out of your day; yet you would save us lots of stress. It would be a great way to pull your own weight.
Consequence: loss of some item we pay for
3. Continue to advise other members of your schedule and anticipate your needs for co-pays or other financial necessities. Planning ahead and telling others is a courtesy so that events are not double booked.
Consequence: No-one will drop their plans for you or come up with the money unless it is a true emergency.
4. Relationship Building/Communication: We would like to have a healthy relationship with you. We can negotiate the terms/boundaries such as mom needs to focus and listen or not talk to others except Al-Anon members, etc. Please think of some not so expensive activities we could share. Also, relationships/intimacy relies on the effort of all parties involved. It's not a one way street with us making all the effort to open conversations/build a relationship only to meet the wall. We would like to follow the rules established for communication based on the training and handouts. Perhaps you could start by spending five minutes in our presence.
5. Begin looking for a job. Once you get a job, we expect you will pay for your car's expenses and save for the future. We also would expect you to continue with some household chores such as cooking and cleaning. Temp agencies could be your best bet. The UW has one. Once you get some good referrals, it is easier to get a permanent job plus many people who hire temps are just looking to see how someone is; then often make a job offer. You cannot expect a great job without skills, references, or specific career training.
6. Renegotiate/Review Contract: Let's plan to review this contract on a monthly basis.
Note: Natural consequences of poor choices will occur. We will no longer act to prevent any of those. The most extreme consequence of being asked to leave our house will only occur if you continually ignore our expectations and lie or steal from us.
Name:______________________________ Date:_____________________________
Name:______________________________ Date:_____________________________
Name:______________________________ Date:_____________________________
1. Gas/Food Money: Plan/set aside a reasonable amount each week. That means you must schedule appointments same time/date as other things in that area. The back and forth is hard on the car; gas is super expensive. Your car needs maintenance. Food: put items on the grocery list - eat before you go - lots of leftovers or we can get easy things to take with you - still cheaper than your eating out constantly. We were already in serious debt; it's going to get worse with cutbacks at my job starting the end of August. Please only buy what you think you will eat. You have been buying expensive items; then letting them rot. I think one expensive item per shopping plus buy less each time to avoid wasting. Some meetings can be nearby.
Reasonable consequence: less money for shopping following time; less gas money
2. Chores: Please do at least one chore per day - max. 30 minutes. This would also be expected at a sober house. At the very least, rinse your dishes and put them in the dishwasher; add your items to the grocery list; keep your bathroom clean; vacuum your room weekly as there is a resurgence in bed bugs. They say the best way to combat that is to vacuum regularly. IF you aren't working when I return to work, I think a fair contribution as a fellow adult member of this house is for you to cook and clean. It wouldn't take more than a couple hours out of your day; yet you would save us lots of stress. It would be a great way to pull your own weight.
Consequence: loss of some item we pay for
3. Continue to advise other members of your schedule and anticipate your needs for co-pays or other financial necessities. Planning ahead and telling others is a courtesy so that events are not double booked.
Consequence: No-one will drop their plans for you or come up with the money unless it is a true emergency.
4. Relationship Building/Communication: We would like to have a healthy relationship with you. We can negotiate the terms/boundaries such as mom needs to focus and listen or not talk to others except Al-Anon members, etc. Please think of some not so expensive activities we could share. Also, relationships/intimacy relies on the effort of all parties involved. It's not a one way street with us making all the effort to open conversations/build a relationship only to meet the wall. We would like to follow the rules established for communication based on the training and handouts. Perhaps you could start by spending five minutes in our presence.
5. Begin looking for a job. Once you get a job, we expect you will pay for your car's expenses and save for the future. We also would expect you to continue with some household chores such as cooking and cleaning. Temp agencies could be your best bet. The UW has one. Once you get some good referrals, it is easier to get a permanent job plus many people who hire temps are just looking to see how someone is; then often make a job offer. You cannot expect a great job without skills, references, or specific career training.
6. Renegotiate/Review Contract: Let's plan to review this contract on a monthly basis.
Note: Natural consequences of poor choices will occur. We will no longer act to prevent any of those. The most extreme consequence of being asked to leave our house will only occur if you continually ignore our expectations and lie or steal from us.
Name:______________________________ Date:_____________________________
Name:______________________________ Date:_____________________________
Name:______________________________ Date:_____________________________
Things That Help
Reread the books! The little daily readers are super helpful. It would be great to read them with someone and discuss them.
Make the calls! Something someone says will help.
Regular sponsor work.
Daily self care (particularly exercise)/meditation time.
All of this quiets the noise in my mind and helps me not to keep repeating the same useless crap.
Make the calls! Something someone says will help.
Regular sponsor work.
Daily self care (particularly exercise)/meditation time.
All of this quiets the noise in my mind and helps me not to keep repeating the same useless crap.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Blue Book Fourth Step Questions - Attitudes Section
**Need to change our attitudes and learn new ways of feeling comfortable with ourselves and others. Do the opposite of what you would normally do**
1. Can I treat the past as the past and start on a new road to constructive action? My dad used to say the past is archeaology. I need to remember to quote that to myself and stop and THINK before dredging up past wrongs and hurt to throw in people's faces. It truly doesn't matter anymore. It means I'm stuck and unable to forgive. Harboring resentments hurts me - not the others. The example from my present is my brother being so angry at my father and fuming over things he did, but my father has been dead for 3.5 years. It can't hurt him for my brother to take revenge. It's only hurting my brother. It's easier to see in someone else than in yourself. I know I have past hurts in there, but now that I have written most of them down, I feel liberated. Of course, they may come back, but I can write them down and let them go again. Writing journals is therapeutic for me. Last night's suggestion that you deal with anger/revenge by writing down exactly what you believe you should say to the person; then look at how awful it is; your bad feeling will dissipate.
2. Am I realistic about my abilities and limitations? Probably more so than when I was younger and thought mostly negative things about myself. I still fear to take risks by starting conversations in unfamiliar situations. I have lots of people walk away from me so I worry that I am boring/annoying or something else unpleasant when that happens. Perhaps they see/intuit that insecurity, and it turns them off. I used to wonder why people wouldn't give me a chance as I can be funny and pleasant when I relax. I still tend to downgrade myself. I used to think I was great as an office worker/manager; I often feel negative about my teaching abilities. I fear criticism and I fear not being able to keep up when hiking. I'm not sure why I have so much fear, but I realize it was learned. It can, therefore, be unlearned. Some may be part of my personality genetically, but many blocks can be overcome. I feel so much noise in my mind if I don't practice self care in the form of exercise that I have a hard time finding peace those days. I feel serene this week because I got out and worked hard physically.
3. If I have tried and failed, can I use what I have learned? I think that before Al-Anon, I had stopped looking at myself and trying to grow. I was trying to run away actually by staying super busy. Now I see what I can improve and am working to move forward and implement that new way of doing things. My usual way of approaching kids doesn't work. Leaving notes asking for their help or for them to sit down to a family meeting isn't working. My next strategy: ask for 5-10 minutes per day to honestly sit down and share feedback. With Kiku that could mean reading a passage and asking her input; what does she see me doing that could change; what does she feel about the passage - is it something that resonates with her or not. Keisuke: tell him how I react each time - is that what he wants? If he wants my attention, can he ask for it in a positive manner? Reinforce it subtly each time. Explain that I want to change MY unhealthy ways of reacting and behaving. It may seem unpredictable and scary at first, but eventually the goal is to find a sane way of dealing with issues and to back off and let him figure out his own way to deal with insomnia, depression, doctors, structuring time, self care, etc. Maybe he also has all the noise in his head. Basically, as soon as I react and think about a solution, I need to run it by someone in the program before following through as I need to let go of my comfort zone as it is not a good place to be. What I normally would do hasn't worked well.
4. Am I willing to admit there is room for improvement in my relationships with family and friends? Absolutely. I could be manipulative and controlling to get what I wanted rather than feeling disappointment when people would not come through. I would try to force them to come through for me. I overreact or underreact. I can be passive aggressive, resentful, fearful of rejection - all of this leads me to whine and feel terribly put upon. Perhaps if I thought about a way to simply state what I need and figure out some natural consequence if that doesn't happen. If we could all start sharing that, but it has to begin with me as if not, I'm forcing a solution on them again. I thought what if I just refused to do the chores? Would they eventually get tired of the mess and do the work? What if the next time I'm asked for money, I say where was your time and money when I asked you to do something? I can't completely do that with Kiku as she needs to get to appointments, but she could start scheduling them together to save money and back and forth on the car. I think I need to talk to her about consequences and her contract.
5. Can I accept the fact that I can't control the alcoholic nor any other adult? Mostly I would say yes, and then I find that I am wanting to share what is helping me. I understand that it is another method of controlling and that it is better that I focus on me. My example may be a motivator for change. I need to just state suggestions; then walk away instead of pressing it in 100 different ways. It's a challenge for me not to get sucked into anxiety about my kids' feelings and futures. My emotions tend to roll with how they sound on the phone or look like they feel. I realize that I have both given away my power as they are controlling me - not always on purpose as to say that it is would be attributing motives to them that I can't be sure they really have. This one means I need to reread passages and let things go - progress not perfection.
6. Do I avoid judging the alcoholic's motives and behavior? Judging as in being negative about them or thinking of them as losers I don't do. However, I do think I try to analyze what they are feeling from their faces and behavior. That is a form of judgment I suppose. That is something I have to let go as I can't possibly know what's in another's head.
7. Can I accept people whose social background is different from mine? Yes, I often receive compliments for how respectful I am of anyone, but inside my head I do judge grammar as speech shows education level. I try not to do it, but it is a social class marker. I sometimes believe I can't have much in common with someone who cannot speak properly. I also note lots of tatoos, smokers, dirty and smelly people. I have to wonder what could we have in common, but I can find at least something in common with everyone - perhaps even that dimwit Sara Palin! I believe I do a wonderful job of relating, but the thoughts are there. I have to step on them to let it go. I realize that I am no better nor worse than anyone else. We all have our story.
8. Do I make an effort to increase my knowledge of important social issues? I have to say that I don't make time for this much, but I used to be active in this area. Once my kids came along, I didn't stay up to date. I have some idea what is going on but not enough to be a full contributer to any discussion or fight for a cause. I participate in the online messages to legislatures but truly desire to work for insurance and drug policy changes. I feel strongly that at the very least insurance companies need to cover substance abuse treatment just as they would any other illness. Today I actually spent some time looking up healthcare law and sending my complaint/inquiry to Mike Kreidler.
9. Can I take a stand and express my opinions diplomatically? I get a sinking feeling in my stomach and rehearse it a lot. I can do this better with co-workers than with family. If someone expresses themselves inappropriately, I can sometimes get hooked in by that. For example, a hiking friend is extremely direct and tells me I need to sit down instead of washing dishes or packing for the next day because "I drive her nuts when I do that." I feel the emotion rising at this. It is hard not to respond in kind, but I know this is her issue. I feel comfortable preparing ahead and having dishes done before bed. Those aren't really habits I want to change because I like to sleep as long as possible as my biorhythym is for late nights. I also worry that my opinion is controversial enough to set someone else off so I sometimes let those kind of things go. I also don't like to interrupt trains of thought so by the time I get a chance to break in, it's often too late for that particular statement. I can be bad about interrupting one person talking but groups mean waiting. This is an area for me to continue working until I feel comfortable. I may have to use the script for awhile. It's hard to get away from "you" types of statements.
10. Have I truly accepted alcoholism as an illness? Yes, I realize it's an illness and that probably the people I know affected by this would have come to addiction somehow no matter what I did. I still have a hard time backing off the anxiety about relapses. However, I felt that same anxiety when my daughter was seriously ill with a super bacterial infection so I think it's anxiety about losing someone I love more than about the particular illness. I could talk to others about that illness and receive understanding. That's not always the case with addiction.
11. Have I been able to take the focus of my attention off the alcoholic and place it on myself? I think I'm becoming more and more successful about this. Sometimes I wonder if it's too much so. I spend a lot of time exercising to feel better about myself/get the weight under control. Now I spend a lot of time on the program. I feel that I am neglecting my job in all of this. I am trying to pay more attention to my husband and job.
12. Can I express myself openly despite the risk involved in the alcoholic's reaction? I'm getting better, but I still feel I'm being controlled by my fear of the reaction. I don't talk to my ex about much of anything. I have a hard time approaching my daughter when her walls are up. I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere, but now I'm trying to just speak my truth and believe that eventually things will improve.
13. Do I have realistic expectations of the sober alcoholic? When she was in detox and the early recovery period, she was willing to talk and work hard on changing behaviors, but lately she isn't. It seems to be back to the way it was. Is it a sign of upcoming relapse, or is it just issues that were there before? Is it a natural part of her recovery? I don't expect it will be perfect. I did get my hopes up a bit when she talked about her goals again, but she hasn't done that recently.
14. Am I grateful for sobriety despite the new problems it may bring? YES! With sobriety I know she is alive. That means we will have the time to work on the issues. As long as she lives, there is hope. I'm just realizing that even with sobriety, the girl I knew may no longer exist. I have to get to know this developing person.
15. Do I realize that many of my problems are common to almost everyone who has lived with an alcoholic? I know that now. I didn't know that when I came to Al-Anon. I felt alone and thought I was the only one who overreacted to little things and took over calmly in a crisis or sometimes shut down also. I have heard many stories now and know I am not unique or alone.
16. Do I respect my loved one as an individual, viewing our differences as complementary parts of our relationship? I'm coming to that point of letting go of expectations and realizing that while we don't seem to share a lot of common interests, there is still enough for us to build on. We do love each other even if we don't quite get each other.
17. Am I wise enough not to expect a partner to fill all my emotional needs? I realize that I can't get all that I need from one person so I have branched out a lot more in building a wider support system - friends who share my activities, friends who truly get what's happened to me (Al-Anon), and my family. I don't look to my children to give that as they don't seem capable of being emotionally supportive on a daily, long term basis so it's best to look for that in Al-Anon.
18. Am I pleasant to my loved one's friends? Yes. I am polite and courteous to all even some of the boyfriends/girlfriends I was particularly thrilled about. My husband doesn't seem to have friends, but that is his choice so I can't do much about that.
19. Have I honestly assessed my feelings about sex and my sexual relationship? I have not been much into that aspect of my life. I'm not sure if it's perimenopause or some unfaced anger/resentment/disappointment in the partner and my life. I hear that often when people lose interest in this type of relationship, it's because of some type of repressed anger. I don't often feel that anger, but I'm not interested. It's something I eventually need to address in couples' therapy.
20. Am I open to the idea that children have their own problems and that they need to be guided not dominated? Yes. I thought I was guiding, but I realize that I did overstep into rescuing like the last minute runs to the store for materials for a project they knew about but waited til the last minute! It would have been better to let them fail early on in school. At some point, the children stopped talking but would sometimes just dump something on me. I had gotten into that habit of solving things for myself and just extended that to them thinking I was being a good parent. Now I am working hard on asking myself if it's something they can do for themselves. This is one of my toughest areas. I know they will have their own pain and issues. It's hard to watch, but I need to work on mine not theirs.
21. Do I appreciate children as individuals, avoiding comparisons? Yes. Once in awhile when I'm down, I can't help looking at other families and wishing I had what they had in terms of the relationships I see - at least getting together to celebrate milestones. My kids don't want that, and I can't quite understand it, but most of the time I feel I accept it as what other choice do I really have? I wish the paths had been different, but I've been working on letting that go. It comes from shame. I was so proud; then their falls from grace were so large that it's hard to talk about them and not think about the what could have been. I have grieved and mostly feel I've come to peace and acceptance, but sometimes those painful feelings come rushing back.
22. Do I remember that they ARE children and that THEIR immature behavior is reasonable in light of their age? It's hard for me to think so at 18 and 21 as I remember being super responsible and not wanting to disappoint my parents. They don't seem to feel that. I know I did some dumb things as I found my way. People say that age is still adolescent and to remember that they are still figuring out who they are as adults. Drugs took that process away from my daughter so she is frozen back at the traumas at 17 so I need to let her develop.
23. Have I been realistic in my assessment of how children are affected by alcoholism? Probably I wasn't. I could have done things differently had I known. I knew they had unusual behavior, but I didn't realize why. I'm learning. I'm praying daily for the light to come to them so that they can grow beyond this and recover.
24. Do I allow adult children to make their own decisions? I have been working on this. Sometimes I think I let them take too much control and decision making. I sure haven't always been pleased with those results, but I think the more I say, the more they dug into a bad decision so my main goal now is to let them live with the consequences instead of taking on those results.
25. Have I forgiven my parents for any mistakes they made in my upbringing? Yes. I tried hard not to be like them, but somehow going too far the other direction wasn't good for my kids either. At least I know we were all motivated by wanting to do our best for our children. I don't believe mistakes were made from malicious intent.
26. Am I emotionally detached, seeking a healthy form of independence from my parents? Yes. My father is dead, and I talk to my mom weekly and try to see her monthly, but I don't expect them to take care of me. Now it's rather the opposite as health issues come more and more to the forefront.
27. Can I be honest and open with them? I have had some heart to hearts with them. I think we resolved our issues. I haven't been to the point of hurting them. There's no need for that, but we have acknowledged issues and worked on them.
28. Have I forgotten old friends, organizations, doctors, or institutions who didn't do all that I expected should have been done to help our situation? Mostly. I don't dwell on that anymore as what good would it do. Of course, I still fantasize once in awhile about taking a wildly successful student and parading it in front of them to say that this is in spite of them, but usually I never think about any of that these days.
29. Am I trying to build healthy friendships in which I can be the real me? Yes. I am working on being more direct and stating my feeling simply rather than burying everything in an indirect way. I would like to rebuild a couple of relationships since I have been so sad and emotional through a lot of this that I feel embarrassed about the hiking friends as I don't feel that's a place to be totally real. Perhaps they accept it just fine, but I am the one who can't. I like being the rock not being the one in the hard place. I like to think that I can also be there in that way for others. I tend to be too wrapped up in what's going on to have the time to commit to much besides the hiking group, family, work, and Al-Anon. I know that what I say at Al-Anon will be accepted. I just need the time to develop those friendships. It takes me awhile to feel truly safe probably because I am always judging myself and always felt I wasn't really likeable but couldn't figure out why.
30. Am I striving to find purpose and meaning in my work? Work has been neglected a bit. I love interactions with students, but I haven't been working on new ideas or practices for awhile. I've been too involved in recovery and hiking for stress relief.
31. Am I interested in my community? Yes, but I don't seem to do much in that area unless the hiking group can be considered community interest. I feel like I've done a great job building a network. A lot of them appreciate that.
Findings:
Positive Attitudes: Learning to build a healthy support network and make different choices about trigger situations. Learning to let go of children. Learning to ignore spouse's outbursts - he's not on a path to growth and is quite negative and full of self pity. I may choose to leave the relationship rather than being around that on a constant basis.
Negative Attitudes: Allow traffic and time too much control. Obsess about losing weight to feel better about myself.
Other Ideas:
1. Can I treat the past as the past and start on a new road to constructive action? My dad used to say the past is archeaology. I need to remember to quote that to myself and stop and THINK before dredging up past wrongs and hurt to throw in people's faces. It truly doesn't matter anymore. It means I'm stuck and unable to forgive. Harboring resentments hurts me - not the others. The example from my present is my brother being so angry at my father and fuming over things he did, but my father has been dead for 3.5 years. It can't hurt him for my brother to take revenge. It's only hurting my brother. It's easier to see in someone else than in yourself. I know I have past hurts in there, but now that I have written most of them down, I feel liberated. Of course, they may come back, but I can write them down and let them go again. Writing journals is therapeutic for me. Last night's suggestion that you deal with anger/revenge by writing down exactly what you believe you should say to the person; then look at how awful it is; your bad feeling will dissipate.
2. Am I realistic about my abilities and limitations? Probably more so than when I was younger and thought mostly negative things about myself. I still fear to take risks by starting conversations in unfamiliar situations. I have lots of people walk away from me so I worry that I am boring/annoying or something else unpleasant when that happens. Perhaps they see/intuit that insecurity, and it turns them off. I used to wonder why people wouldn't give me a chance as I can be funny and pleasant when I relax. I still tend to downgrade myself. I used to think I was great as an office worker/manager; I often feel negative about my teaching abilities. I fear criticism and I fear not being able to keep up when hiking. I'm not sure why I have so much fear, but I realize it was learned. It can, therefore, be unlearned. Some may be part of my personality genetically, but many blocks can be overcome. I feel so much noise in my mind if I don't practice self care in the form of exercise that I have a hard time finding peace those days. I feel serene this week because I got out and worked hard physically.
3. If I have tried and failed, can I use what I have learned? I think that before Al-Anon, I had stopped looking at myself and trying to grow. I was trying to run away actually by staying super busy. Now I see what I can improve and am working to move forward and implement that new way of doing things. My usual way of approaching kids doesn't work. Leaving notes asking for their help or for them to sit down to a family meeting isn't working. My next strategy: ask for 5-10 minutes per day to honestly sit down and share feedback. With Kiku that could mean reading a passage and asking her input; what does she see me doing that could change; what does she feel about the passage - is it something that resonates with her or not. Keisuke: tell him how I react each time - is that what he wants? If he wants my attention, can he ask for it in a positive manner? Reinforce it subtly each time. Explain that I want to change MY unhealthy ways of reacting and behaving. It may seem unpredictable and scary at first, but eventually the goal is to find a sane way of dealing with issues and to back off and let him figure out his own way to deal with insomnia, depression, doctors, structuring time, self care, etc. Maybe he also has all the noise in his head. Basically, as soon as I react and think about a solution, I need to run it by someone in the program before following through as I need to let go of my comfort zone as it is not a good place to be. What I normally would do hasn't worked well.
4. Am I willing to admit there is room for improvement in my relationships with family and friends? Absolutely. I could be manipulative and controlling to get what I wanted rather than feeling disappointment when people would not come through. I would try to force them to come through for me. I overreact or underreact. I can be passive aggressive, resentful, fearful of rejection - all of this leads me to whine and feel terribly put upon. Perhaps if I thought about a way to simply state what I need and figure out some natural consequence if that doesn't happen. If we could all start sharing that, but it has to begin with me as if not, I'm forcing a solution on them again. I thought what if I just refused to do the chores? Would they eventually get tired of the mess and do the work? What if the next time I'm asked for money, I say where was your time and money when I asked you to do something? I can't completely do that with Kiku as she needs to get to appointments, but she could start scheduling them together to save money and back and forth on the car. I think I need to talk to her about consequences and her contract.
5. Can I accept the fact that I can't control the alcoholic nor any other adult? Mostly I would say yes, and then I find that I am wanting to share what is helping me. I understand that it is another method of controlling and that it is better that I focus on me. My example may be a motivator for change. I need to just state suggestions; then walk away instead of pressing it in 100 different ways. It's a challenge for me not to get sucked into anxiety about my kids' feelings and futures. My emotions tend to roll with how they sound on the phone or look like they feel. I realize that I have both given away my power as they are controlling me - not always on purpose as to say that it is would be attributing motives to them that I can't be sure they really have. This one means I need to reread passages and let things go - progress not perfection.
6. Do I avoid judging the alcoholic's motives and behavior? Judging as in being negative about them or thinking of them as losers I don't do. However, I do think I try to analyze what they are feeling from their faces and behavior. That is a form of judgment I suppose. That is something I have to let go as I can't possibly know what's in another's head.
7. Can I accept people whose social background is different from mine? Yes, I often receive compliments for how respectful I am of anyone, but inside my head I do judge grammar as speech shows education level. I try not to do it, but it is a social class marker. I sometimes believe I can't have much in common with someone who cannot speak properly. I also note lots of tatoos, smokers, dirty and smelly people. I have to wonder what could we have in common, but I can find at least something in common with everyone - perhaps even that dimwit Sara Palin! I believe I do a wonderful job of relating, but the thoughts are there. I have to step on them to let it go. I realize that I am no better nor worse than anyone else. We all have our story.
8. Do I make an effort to increase my knowledge of important social issues? I have to say that I don't make time for this much, but I used to be active in this area. Once my kids came along, I didn't stay up to date. I have some idea what is going on but not enough to be a full contributer to any discussion or fight for a cause. I participate in the online messages to legislatures but truly desire to work for insurance and drug policy changes. I feel strongly that at the very least insurance companies need to cover substance abuse treatment just as they would any other illness. Today I actually spent some time looking up healthcare law and sending my complaint/inquiry to Mike Kreidler.
9. Can I take a stand and express my opinions diplomatically? I get a sinking feeling in my stomach and rehearse it a lot. I can do this better with co-workers than with family. If someone expresses themselves inappropriately, I can sometimes get hooked in by that. For example, a hiking friend is extremely direct and tells me I need to sit down instead of washing dishes or packing for the next day because "I drive her nuts when I do that." I feel the emotion rising at this. It is hard not to respond in kind, but I know this is her issue. I feel comfortable preparing ahead and having dishes done before bed. Those aren't really habits I want to change because I like to sleep as long as possible as my biorhythym is for late nights. I also worry that my opinion is controversial enough to set someone else off so I sometimes let those kind of things go. I also don't like to interrupt trains of thought so by the time I get a chance to break in, it's often too late for that particular statement. I can be bad about interrupting one person talking but groups mean waiting. This is an area for me to continue working until I feel comfortable. I may have to use the script for awhile. It's hard to get away from "you" types of statements.
10. Have I truly accepted alcoholism as an illness? Yes, I realize it's an illness and that probably the people I know affected by this would have come to addiction somehow no matter what I did. I still have a hard time backing off the anxiety about relapses. However, I felt that same anxiety when my daughter was seriously ill with a super bacterial infection so I think it's anxiety about losing someone I love more than about the particular illness. I could talk to others about that illness and receive understanding. That's not always the case with addiction.
11. Have I been able to take the focus of my attention off the alcoholic and place it on myself? I think I'm becoming more and more successful about this. Sometimes I wonder if it's too much so. I spend a lot of time exercising to feel better about myself/get the weight under control. Now I spend a lot of time on the program. I feel that I am neglecting my job in all of this. I am trying to pay more attention to my husband and job.
12. Can I express myself openly despite the risk involved in the alcoholic's reaction? I'm getting better, but I still feel I'm being controlled by my fear of the reaction. I don't talk to my ex about much of anything. I have a hard time approaching my daughter when her walls are up. I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere, but now I'm trying to just speak my truth and believe that eventually things will improve.
13. Do I have realistic expectations of the sober alcoholic? When she was in detox and the early recovery period, she was willing to talk and work hard on changing behaviors, but lately she isn't. It seems to be back to the way it was. Is it a sign of upcoming relapse, or is it just issues that were there before? Is it a natural part of her recovery? I don't expect it will be perfect. I did get my hopes up a bit when she talked about her goals again, but she hasn't done that recently.
14. Am I grateful for sobriety despite the new problems it may bring? YES! With sobriety I know she is alive. That means we will have the time to work on the issues. As long as she lives, there is hope. I'm just realizing that even with sobriety, the girl I knew may no longer exist. I have to get to know this developing person.
15. Do I realize that many of my problems are common to almost everyone who has lived with an alcoholic? I know that now. I didn't know that when I came to Al-Anon. I felt alone and thought I was the only one who overreacted to little things and took over calmly in a crisis or sometimes shut down also. I have heard many stories now and know I am not unique or alone.
16. Do I respect my loved one as an individual, viewing our differences as complementary parts of our relationship? I'm coming to that point of letting go of expectations and realizing that while we don't seem to share a lot of common interests, there is still enough for us to build on. We do love each other even if we don't quite get each other.
17. Am I wise enough not to expect a partner to fill all my emotional needs? I realize that I can't get all that I need from one person so I have branched out a lot more in building a wider support system - friends who share my activities, friends who truly get what's happened to me (Al-Anon), and my family. I don't look to my children to give that as they don't seem capable of being emotionally supportive on a daily, long term basis so it's best to look for that in Al-Anon.
18. Am I pleasant to my loved one's friends? Yes. I am polite and courteous to all even some of the boyfriends/girlfriends I was particularly thrilled about. My husband doesn't seem to have friends, but that is his choice so I can't do much about that.
19. Have I honestly assessed my feelings about sex and my sexual relationship? I have not been much into that aspect of my life. I'm not sure if it's perimenopause or some unfaced anger/resentment/disappointment in the partner and my life. I hear that often when people lose interest in this type of relationship, it's because of some type of repressed anger. I don't often feel that anger, but I'm not interested. It's something I eventually need to address in couples' therapy.
20. Am I open to the idea that children have their own problems and that they need to be guided not dominated? Yes. I thought I was guiding, but I realize that I did overstep into rescuing like the last minute runs to the store for materials for a project they knew about but waited til the last minute! It would have been better to let them fail early on in school. At some point, the children stopped talking but would sometimes just dump something on me. I had gotten into that habit of solving things for myself and just extended that to them thinking I was being a good parent. Now I am working hard on asking myself if it's something they can do for themselves. This is one of my toughest areas. I know they will have their own pain and issues. It's hard to watch, but I need to work on mine not theirs.
21. Do I appreciate children as individuals, avoiding comparisons? Yes. Once in awhile when I'm down, I can't help looking at other families and wishing I had what they had in terms of the relationships I see - at least getting together to celebrate milestones. My kids don't want that, and I can't quite understand it, but most of the time I feel I accept it as what other choice do I really have? I wish the paths had been different, but I've been working on letting that go. It comes from shame. I was so proud; then their falls from grace were so large that it's hard to talk about them and not think about the what could have been. I have grieved and mostly feel I've come to peace and acceptance, but sometimes those painful feelings come rushing back.
22. Do I remember that they ARE children and that THEIR immature behavior is reasonable in light of their age? It's hard for me to think so at 18 and 21 as I remember being super responsible and not wanting to disappoint my parents. They don't seem to feel that. I know I did some dumb things as I found my way. People say that age is still adolescent and to remember that they are still figuring out who they are as adults. Drugs took that process away from my daughter so she is frozen back at the traumas at 17 so I need to let her develop.
23. Have I been realistic in my assessment of how children are affected by alcoholism? Probably I wasn't. I could have done things differently had I known. I knew they had unusual behavior, but I didn't realize why. I'm learning. I'm praying daily for the light to come to them so that they can grow beyond this and recover.
24. Do I allow adult children to make their own decisions? I have been working on this. Sometimes I think I let them take too much control and decision making. I sure haven't always been pleased with those results, but I think the more I say, the more they dug into a bad decision so my main goal now is to let them live with the consequences instead of taking on those results.
25. Have I forgiven my parents for any mistakes they made in my upbringing? Yes. I tried hard not to be like them, but somehow going too far the other direction wasn't good for my kids either. At least I know we were all motivated by wanting to do our best for our children. I don't believe mistakes were made from malicious intent.
26. Am I emotionally detached, seeking a healthy form of independence from my parents? Yes. My father is dead, and I talk to my mom weekly and try to see her monthly, but I don't expect them to take care of me. Now it's rather the opposite as health issues come more and more to the forefront.
27. Can I be honest and open with them? I have had some heart to hearts with them. I think we resolved our issues. I haven't been to the point of hurting them. There's no need for that, but we have acknowledged issues and worked on them.
28. Have I forgotten old friends, organizations, doctors, or institutions who didn't do all that I expected should have been done to help our situation? Mostly. I don't dwell on that anymore as what good would it do. Of course, I still fantasize once in awhile about taking a wildly successful student and parading it in front of them to say that this is in spite of them, but usually I never think about any of that these days.
29. Am I trying to build healthy friendships in which I can be the real me? Yes. I am working on being more direct and stating my feeling simply rather than burying everything in an indirect way. I would like to rebuild a couple of relationships since I have been so sad and emotional through a lot of this that I feel embarrassed about the hiking friends as I don't feel that's a place to be totally real. Perhaps they accept it just fine, but I am the one who can't. I like being the rock not being the one in the hard place. I like to think that I can also be there in that way for others. I tend to be too wrapped up in what's going on to have the time to commit to much besides the hiking group, family, work, and Al-Anon. I know that what I say at Al-Anon will be accepted. I just need the time to develop those friendships. It takes me awhile to feel truly safe probably because I am always judging myself and always felt I wasn't really likeable but couldn't figure out why.
30. Am I striving to find purpose and meaning in my work? Work has been neglected a bit. I love interactions with students, but I haven't been working on new ideas or practices for awhile. I've been too involved in recovery and hiking for stress relief.
31. Am I interested in my community? Yes, but I don't seem to do much in that area unless the hiking group can be considered community interest. I feel like I've done a great job building a network. A lot of them appreciate that.
Findings:
Positive Attitudes: Learning to build a healthy support network and make different choices about trigger situations. Learning to let go of children. Learning to ignore spouse's outbursts - he's not on a path to growth and is quite negative and full of self pity. I may choose to leave the relationship rather than being around that on a constant basis.
Negative Attitudes: Allow traffic and time too much control. Obsess about losing weight to feel better about myself.
Other Ideas:
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Tradition One - Groups
Following the questions in Paths to Recovery:
1. How can I apply this tradition to my everyday life? I can think of a couple instances where I can use this now: my family and my hiking group. The things I want to remember to keep in mind are letting go of self will and that all of us must have a voice in order for unity to exist. No-one's voice is more or less important than others. I have the responsibility to listen, to share, and to accept. The burden of control is lifted off of my shoulders. Other people deserve to make their own decisions and to be given the respect I desire for myself. Everyone needs to pitch in and do his/her share. Unity means that we are working toward a common goal. I have often taken on the overwhelming share of the burden - to the point of inducing a panic attack and often having a spinning head. Others need to pitch in or live with the consequence of things not getting done.
**Question: What are good consequences to those who don't pitch in?
2. How do I use this Tradition in my meeting? I listen to, share, and accept others. I haven't been part of a group inventory; sharing my actual opinion on something and coming to a decision might be scary at meetings because I don't really feel I know enough yet to stand up for my opinion. I didn't share why I didn't like the Wed. group. I kind of wish I had as I think they might have appreciated the feedback; I just didn't want to hurt any feelings when I don't know them/not invested in their group. It would be different with my home group.
3. How does this Tradition give me the right to offer my opinion? How can I do this without dominating or having to win? Everyone's opinion is valued and given equal weight. We just agree to discuss more later if we can't come to a mutually agreeable solution and think about it and eventually work it out to everyone's satisfaction.
1. How can I apply this tradition to my everyday life? I can think of a couple instances where I can use this now: my family and my hiking group. The things I want to remember to keep in mind are letting go of self will and that all of us must have a voice in order for unity to exist. No-one's voice is more or less important than others. I have the responsibility to listen, to share, and to accept. The burden of control is lifted off of my shoulders. Other people deserve to make their own decisions and to be given the respect I desire for myself. Everyone needs to pitch in and do his/her share. Unity means that we are working toward a common goal. I have often taken on the overwhelming share of the burden - to the point of inducing a panic attack and often having a spinning head. Others need to pitch in or live with the consequence of things not getting done.
**Question: What are good consequences to those who don't pitch in?
2. How do I use this Tradition in my meeting? I listen to, share, and accept others. I haven't been part of a group inventory; sharing my actual opinion on something and coming to a decision might be scary at meetings because I don't really feel I know enough yet to stand up for my opinion. I didn't share why I didn't like the Wed. group. I kind of wish I had as I think they might have appreciated the feedback; I just didn't want to hurt any feelings when I don't know them/not invested in their group. It would be different with my home group.
3. How does this Tradition give me the right to offer my opinion? How can I do this without dominating or having to win? Everyone's opinion is valued and given equal weight. We just agree to discuss more later if we can't come to a mutually agreeable solution and think about it and eventually work it out to everyone's satisfaction.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
June 7
I've been spinning with the insurance, wondering how much to say to my daughter about her routine, want to be an adult to adult relationship, but I think she and Keisuke need to do more around the house. I just can't keep doing it all, and they need to contritute.
Money is somehow appearing - Glen's boss offered to pay the out of pocket costs incurred by the insurance change.
Hoorah!
Felt so peaceful on Stimson Hill - like everything is going to work out even when it seems I'm being hit on all sides. I just need to work the program more and remember self care. Resentment most likely means something I need to deal with in a more assertive manner. I believe it is warning me about boundary issues and working harder to meet those.
Money is somehow appearing - Glen's boss offered to pay the out of pocket costs incurred by the insurance change.
Hoorah!
Felt so peaceful on Stimson Hill - like everything is going to work out even when it seems I'm being hit on all sides. I just need to work the program more and remember self care. Resentment most likely means something I need to deal with in a more assertive manner. I believe it is warning me about boundary issues and working harder to meet those.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Contract: Kiku, Keisuke, Kari, Glen
1. Practice new styles of communication as per Residence XII packet - I statements of feelings; direct, short statements of what you would like to see; fair fighting; come to compromise; respect others' boundaries and if it's not a good time to talk; then set a time AND stick to that time. It's ok to say you need a time out during a discussion. Do not discuss when upset.
2. Boundary Issues: Need to say no and mean it so no threats. Keisuke and Kiku decide fair consequences for not doing chores/budget issues; we approve or discuss further. There are boundaries K & K need to implement for mom and Glen also - two way street here. Big boundary for parents: budget - things are tight around here - we all need to contribute to living within our means. Each week outline what your needs are. Work on decent driving records to reduce insurance costs.
3. Chores: Everyone in a home needs to contribute to the running of the home. Glen and Kari are the ones bringing in the financial contribution so seems fair for us to come home to a tidy house not a huge mess. You two can contribute by doing the chores - mowing, cleaning, cooking, your own laundry, tidy up after yourselves every time you make a mess.
4. Discuss issues directly with the person - no middlemen; no complaining behind backs. Agree to finish discussing later if no solution has appeared.
Possible Consequences: (Have to be agreed upon.)
1. Less money for gas/entertainment if not sticking to the budget or helping around the house.
2. Push to get a job every summer/time off to help us out if not doing other things that help.
3. Check in keys with us daily/check out only if must go somewhere like a medical appointment.
4. No time allowed for entertainment.
5. Phone gets shut off to save money.
6. Sell expensive items to repay us.
2. Boundary Issues: Need to say no and mean it so no threats. Keisuke and Kiku decide fair consequences for not doing chores/budget issues; we approve or discuss further. There are boundaries K & K need to implement for mom and Glen also - two way street here. Big boundary for parents: budget - things are tight around here - we all need to contribute to living within our means. Each week outline what your needs are. Work on decent driving records to reduce insurance costs.
3. Chores: Everyone in a home needs to contribute to the running of the home. Glen and Kari are the ones bringing in the financial contribution so seems fair for us to come home to a tidy house not a huge mess. You two can contribute by doing the chores - mowing, cleaning, cooking, your own laundry, tidy up after yourselves every time you make a mess.
4. Discuss issues directly with the person - no middlemen; no complaining behind backs. Agree to finish discussing later if no solution has appeared.
Possible Consequences: (Have to be agreed upon.)
1. Less money for gas/entertainment if not sticking to the budget or helping around the house.
2. Push to get a job every summer/time off to help us out if not doing other things that help.
3. Check in keys with us daily/check out only if must go somewhere like a medical appointment.
4. No time allowed for entertainment.
5. Phone gets shut off to save money.
6. Sell expensive items to repay us.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Daily Gratitude
1. Kiku is still clean, and we have a dx to work with on getting her healthy.
2. Keisuke is still alive and need to be positive that he will follow through with his college/high school.
3. Keisuke does actually hear what I say, and I believe it has an impact eventually.
4. My relationship with Kiku is improving.
5. I am getting better at recognizing when I am being controlling or manipulative and looking for the motive so I can just state that need directly.
6. My mom is still alive.
7. There is still some money in the bank. Orcas will eventually sell (even though that will hurt).
8. My higher power is leading me to realize: debt free and family first is my philosophy.
9. I still have a job. Currently, it is full time.
10. I have some great friends who do care about me.
11. My pets
2. Keisuke is still alive and need to be positive that he will follow through with his college/high school.
3. Keisuke does actually hear what I say, and I believe it has an impact eventually.
4. My relationship with Kiku is improving.
5. I am getting better at recognizing when I am being controlling or manipulative and looking for the motive so I can just state that need directly.
6. My mom is still alive.
7. There is still some money in the bank. Orcas will eventually sell (even though that will hurt).
8. My higher power is leading me to realize: debt free and family first is my philosophy.
9. I still have a job. Currently, it is full time.
10. I have some great friends who do care about me.
11. My pets
6/2
Some real irritation with Carole from the meetup. Not only does she usually flake out at the last minute but she seems to think she can dictate what's happening at my cabin. Actually, does she really or did her shitty little e-mail just hook that response. She wrote something about her post and put exclamation points. That really pissed me off. I can't be on top of everything plus she had originally said she wanted to stay until Wed. I posted a comment about the backpacking being only one night if that was the case and was everyone ok with that. No-one responded so now that we're only two weeks out it seemed prudent to get that clarified so I just feel angry about a crappy response from someone who isn't dependable or committed to our group. I really want to find more people like me. Perhaps I'm a bit obsessive about it, but it seems important to be reliable and only cancel if it's necessary - not just because you decided you didn't feel like it. When I write this, I realize this is most likely controlling behavior and isn't important to take so personally.
I need to let it go. I just know that's the kind of person she is so I don't need to justify it - just feel the irritation and look for the reason behind it and not respond. I like her ok when she goes out with us; it's just I realize she's not really the type I want to see be part of the group. I would like to have a core group who comes through. I can't really plan much ahead right now, but I prefer people not to jump on board just to jump off at the last second. It just feels like I wasted my time. All this worry is a waste of time also.
I was so upset at Glen's company for dumping us off the insurance as everything had been settled in such a way that we could have managed not to use all our money for it. I can look at it as a lesson to us about doing better about boundaries with credit and money. We're up to our ears in debt again - never wanted to be in this place again so obviously none of us is good at living within our means. We need to learn that. I just need to hope that somehow some insurance manages to come through for us. It's hard for us to focus on jobs with all this stuff happening. I had to pay a huge amount out of pocket; the credit card will max out; my checking account is down to $467. There's a huge amount to pay on Orcas. Maybe this is the lesson that I can't dream about another property either because there's just too much expense and just plan on staying out of debt and just getting the used RV for tootling around to different places and keep money for special vacations now and then. I guess the answer/solution will reveal itself. So much is hanging over us. I have to remember my daily affirmations and gratitude list. We have to plan to not go bankrupt either. I'm learning a lot of lessons about boundaries. I think boundaries and communication are the biggest issues to work on at this time - for all of us.
I need to let it go. I just know that's the kind of person she is so I don't need to justify it - just feel the irritation and look for the reason behind it and not respond. I like her ok when she goes out with us; it's just I realize she's not really the type I want to see be part of the group. I would like to have a core group who comes through. I can't really plan much ahead right now, but I prefer people not to jump on board just to jump off at the last second. It just feels like I wasted my time. All this worry is a waste of time also.
I was so upset at Glen's company for dumping us off the insurance as everything had been settled in such a way that we could have managed not to use all our money for it. I can look at it as a lesson to us about doing better about boundaries with credit and money. We're up to our ears in debt again - never wanted to be in this place again so obviously none of us is good at living within our means. We need to learn that. I just need to hope that somehow some insurance manages to come through for us. It's hard for us to focus on jobs with all this stuff happening. I had to pay a huge amount out of pocket; the credit card will max out; my checking account is down to $467. There's a huge amount to pay on Orcas. Maybe this is the lesson that I can't dream about another property either because there's just too much expense and just plan on staying out of debt and just getting the used RV for tootling around to different places and keep money for special vacations now and then. I guess the answer/solution will reveal itself. So much is hanging over us. I have to remember my daily affirmations and gratitude list. We have to plan to not go bankrupt either. I'm learning a lot of lessons about boundaries. I think boundaries and communication are the biggest issues to work on at this time - for all of us.
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