May 3

Kiku has been clean about 10 days now.  I haven't been able to see her since Wed.  I find my wheels spinning a bit - mostly staying upbeat but sometimes crashing and getting onto those tapes that I don't need.  I haven't slept enough because I am suffering from my old disease of not enough hours in the day to accomplish what I need to do; yet I haven't the energy to deal with the issues head on. 

I so wanted to go to Orcas for the 3 day weekend, but now that I know it's both prom and Kiku's birthday and that she has to spend it in rehab, I'm feeling guilty and wishing I could be there to see Keisuke and Jenny on their big night, visit Kiku on her 21st, etc.  However, I didn't know these things would happen and one nugget in the meditation book was from someone who asks what would I be doing if this hadn't happened and then do that thing so I guess this plan I won't cancel.  I can get photos of the kids, they will have fun without me, Kiku may wish to have her visiting time Sat. focused on reconnecting with Blake.

I am resisting the urge to go to all the links for the UW for her as I think this is a process she needs to be part of plus I barely am finding time to keep up with job search, job, Keisuke errands, classes for Kiku, visiting Kiku.  I think my focus needs to be first on the remaining weeks of the job and on the kids getting settled and back on track, then the part-time job, and then the hiking group.  I just can't plan anything.  It's hard for me, but it's good also because I am more truly doing the one day at a time.