Daily Feelings Task

Kiku has officially been released but just needs to stay there until I can leave work.  I am nervous and hopeful.  Hopeful that we can all finally learn to communicate/behave in a healthy manner and make the positive changes we need to. Nervous because Keisuke is in withdrawal mode again, but I think that if I can talk to him about what to do in that case so that I don't think he's suicidal, it would help.  Boundaries about his behavior and his being supportive to change also worry me.  I have such a hard time with confrontation.  I fear arguments, etc.  I think I'm getting a little better, but I still feel that tightness.  Nervous because I don't want her to relapse both for keeping her alive and hopefully on the road to self sufficiency and for the selfish reason that I don't want to lose more money.  The insurance isn't paying a lot of this, and her dad hasn't stepped up with anywhere near the amounts we have.  I have had to sacrifice my dreams for her and Keisuke.  Most of the time I'm fine with that because as long as they are moving toward self-sufficiency, I want to support that.  They will eventually pay it forward, but sometimes I get that selfish feeling that I could have had my dreams if I had made different choices.  However, since I chose to have them, I think I need to be as supportive as possible.  I do need to acknowledge that I feel that regret in the attempt to let it go.  I also stress a lot about how to keep up with the bills and not lose everything.  I realize that I am not really surrending my control when I obsess on how to take care of all of it and still get some of the things I'd like to have in my life.  I have to keep in mind the Al-Anon saying that getting what I want doesn't bring happiness; wanting what I have brings happiness.  When I think differently, I realize how much I have to be grateful for:  Kiku and Keisuke are alive so there's still the chance they will find a life for themselves and a chance that I will find another job that I like.  I hate letting go of this one.  I was comfortable here.  I'm getting tired and not wanting to expend lots of energy so looking for and actually doing a different job is overwhelming.  I don't want to, but it's another thing that is out of my control.  I can start working little by little on getting new skills so that I can get another job if necessary, but I really pray that I can get a MW job that is steady and brings in just what I lost.  Even better, Glen will get a higher paying/less hours job; and the best winning the money to pay off everything and still have Orcas, etc.  Ah, dreaming!!!  It has it's place, but it drives me crazy so for now, I need to just let it be.  I can do some things for myself like getting the word out, networking, looking for other jobs, but I need to not just take anything.  God showed me that working in Seattle or Bellevue is not an option for me - particularly during rush hour times.  The stress would be too much.

I catch myself more and more when I start the stinking thinking.  For example, what was that about last night when I started whining about how I'm stuck doing the dinner and not able to walk the dog as I had wanted to.  What did I want to accomplish?  It was to get Glen to take care of dinner so I could go for my walk so why didn't I simply say that?  Why didn't I insist on my boundary of someone else getting dinner on Thursdays?  Those are normally the only days I have to be somewhere by 7 (now that inpatient is over anyway.) 

What do I want to accomplish this weekend?  Set a plan in place so we're ready - not avoid it.  Talk to Keisuke about my concerns.  Can he reassure me in some way?  Can he refrain from the nastiness?  If not, then serious help is necessary.  It's important he support the change by getting educated and supported.  When he isolates, I become scared.  How can I say this in a way that won't be annoying?  I guess that's what I need to ask him.  God help me find the way to heal myself and support others in their healing.  Help me to see what is support and what is enabling.  Help Kiku and Keisuke to express their needs.  Why does Keisuke seem to need me to go with him still?  Can he express that?  Can we put a finger on our feelings; then say when we feel we are being mistreated.

5/31:  feeling anxious but waiting on calls rather than following the urge to check in; by now I'd have heard if there was a problem with KS not following through, etc.