I often try to talk myself out of a feeling because I feel it is "bad" to think that way or because I don't want to feel that pain.
This assignment relates to "what if" it were ok to feel those feelings, what would I be feeling now?
Relieved that it's ok for me to tutor so I wouldn't have to hide anything.
Depressed that I have to look for a job again when I felt happy here and willing to spend the rest of my job life here - until retirement.
Angry that family members and friends aren't dropped, but realizing the school wouldn't keep going if someone isn't willing to take it over.
Resentful and overwhelmed by all the time it takes to do one job application. Not enthusiastic about the process.
Alternating between hopeful and depressed - hopeful when I think maybe I can make good money at tutoring, but depressed that my evenings will be gone. Hopeful that I can really enjoy having that extra day off but wondering how tired I'll get having to work evenings. Depressed because I remember how students always drop out after a couple of months - just give up in most cases.
Depressed that Kiku isn't even interested in talking to me/sharing her life. I can't quite give up that little girl who so loved me. It's hard to let go. It's hard to face that I must have done something that caused her to turn her back on me. Wondering if it can be fixed. Will we ever have a relationship? We don't have a lot in common, but I still love who she was. Can I learn to be friends with who she is?
Happy that Keisuke is coming back to life and wants to talk lately. Dropping everything to listen because who knows when the next chance will come to be part of his life. I need to enjoy it while I can.
Still feeling dead about Glen and often even dreading when he comes around as I so often feel nothing but impatience and irritation when he's around me. I feel stuck as I can't ever earn enough to keep my life going. I have to be honest and say I like my life and don't want to have to shrink it all down again. It seems I've shrunk it enough, but now we have to tighten up even more again.
Anxious because the not knowing what will happen with the kids and Orcas and my job is so difficult. I have to keep repeating the slogans, but it doesn't quite take the pit out of my stomach.
Knowing that meetings are so important to retain some semblance of peace in my life. I just start playing the tapes over and over again in my mind - the craziness takes over if I let it. I have to keep up with slogans and phrases to stop that incessant chatter.
Relieved and happy that someone still is signed up for most activities so I know I won't be alone.
Trying hard to let go of that need to caretake. If someone can't get off work to ride with us, it is not really my problem. I feel guilty and bad for them and think of the golden rule. Does that not apply to some of these situations? I'd want someone to wait for me, but on the other hand, it's not fair for 5 people to wait 15 hours until one can go so I guess in that case, I would realize I had to drive myself and would do that.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment