I have grieved for the loss of my dreams. The biggest first one was bilingual kids. Kazuya just wasn't interested. I projected onto him that he would be the man for my life. He wasn't. Glen certainly has been a disappointment as well. I have a nicer life but none of the formals, socializing, vacations, being well known in the community, etc. I had hoped for. I have become quite content with the outdoor group socializing as I sometimes look around and say I'm part of a group finally after years of outside looking in. Wish I met them when the kids were small so we'd have had a group of fun outdoor people and friends for them. Now my big dream is more about being able to turn Orcas into another vacation home that everyone comes to love.
My next big grief is that I thought I'd done everything for my kids to make smooth sailing for them to get into careers and be happy and successful, self supporting, but both of them have chosen the hard way to go. I wonder if my parents felt like this about me or my brother. Certainly I didn't live up to my potential although I'm not doing awful. I could have reached higher but didn't have that self confidence. I thought at least Kiku had it so that's probably the biggest grief - death of my dreams for her. It doesn't mean she won't make it someday, but she had/took the hard path. So much awful stuff happened to her. I grieve for all of that - so many crises: illness, stalker, Dustin betraying her trust in such an awful way, I hope she can recover, but I can't help her anymore.
The other grieving - having to sell Orcas. I have shed so many tears, but I believe I'm mostly at acceptance now. If I could get enough money to be able to do some of the other things I want like vacations in the sun every other year, security in retirement, a beach home in Port Angeles, and a home in the Cle Elum area, it would be worth the pain of losing that piece of paradise. Otherwise, it's just another loss in a series of so many. The grieving went on for over a year, but mostly I don't feel like crying about it. I'm ready to let go, but in this economy, I'm not able to. The anxiety of not knowing is sometimes unbelievable. That is when I have to practice the "Let Go, Let God" and "One Day at a Time" if I don't want to go crazy from swirling thoughts that won't end.
I'm depressed today.
Losing my job or being cut back is another grief process. I was comfortable here and hoping to spend the next 16 years at this school. There are things I don't like about it, but it is one of the best places - right up there with EvCC and EdCC. Now I have to scramble around yet again and spend lots of time and energy. I especially don't feel I have the energy or emotional reserves to cope with more upset.
My grief process: At first I feel disbelief and shock and cannot really even think. After that, the pain sets in and I wonder if it will ever be better or there will be a day without pain. I often try to avoid the pain in the first place by talking myself out of it, saying it will be better in the future, or I can cope if I just . . . I also head out for a hiking trip or sometimes cope by cleaning or some other monotonous, repetitive action that takes my mind off what's happening as I just get overwhelmed and feel there's no way out. Once I have to feel the pain, I often get angry at the person if I feel they "caused" it in some way by their behavior. I have bargained saying to God that if I do better, could I please not have this crisis in my life. I blame it on my bad behavior and try to do better. I tried so hard to be perfect and failed. Being perfect didn't save me. Working my ass off never got me a raise, etc. No-one seemed to care or appreciate what I did. I wondered why some people who seemed to me to be whiners got positive attention, but I didn't. After the crisis, a few days later, I have usually cycled more or less into acceptance until the next big upset.
I have not finished grieving for my children's futures. The longest other cycle was for my father's death. It took a long time before I could talk about him without crying.
I'm not sleeping again. Kiku is especially on my mind as a hole of pain. She doesn't contact me on her own. I'm trying to let go and not contact her either, but I hate not hearing from her. It hurts that she doesn't want to share her life or bits of herself with me. I wonder how that happened, but it's too late to second guess where that all went wrong. She may still find herself. At least Keisuke mostly still interacts with me - for better for worse. It's true that indifference is the worst in a relationship.
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