1. What do you think would happen if you start feeling your angry feelings? Well, I'm a little afraid of how much I might let go. I don't want to say nasty things. There is a kind way to be honest. I think others would blow up if I were to let it go. I guess to just feel them would bring some pain, but it might also release some pain as the tension I sometimes feel would be gone. Perhaps I'd get interested in sex with my partner again. I know the anger and disappointment I feel at his lies and lack of follow through plus sometimes complete idiocy, negativity, etc. just turn me off. I just don't want to listen to him grunt while he has sex. Once I get past the revulsion, I actually can enjoy the sex. I just don't feel that I desire him in particular but really no-one. I just don't want that level of intimacy or involvement. I can't tell if it's hormones or the result of too much drama eating me away and taking away my ability to feel. The hiking and any other physical activity is such a great outlet for me. I think it's safe. I just don't want to be bothered with the whole partner thing. It's easier just to please myself - less energy. I can't say that it's really more satisfying, but I think I just need to take care of myself - not enough energy by the end of the day/hike, etc. to do much else but make myself relax. I guess it's selfish, but it's where I need to be. Wow, this got off topic, or did it? I so need a sponsor and maybe the occasional therapy appt. (can't afford now) to work through this one.
2. What do I believe about anger? What myths do I hold onto? Intellectually, I believe that anger is healthy. It points to some injustice we need to deal with. Sometimes I'm not sure why I feel it, and the example I saw as a child was to repress your feelings for peace at any price. I was often depressed which many claim is anger turned inward. I realize only I can make myself anger, but it is easy to blame others for the feeling.
3. How do my family members deal with anger? What is my pattern for dealing with anger?
My father never used to look angry, but we tended to pussyfoot around him because he gunnysacked and would have crazy, horrible blow ups about every 2 years. We never knew what the last straw was so we learned not to say our feelings and to act the best we could around him in order not to provoke a tantrum. My mother would just be quiet, but you could feel the disapproval radiating from her so you knew when she was angry, but she would just hold it in. She described herself as passive aggressive. My ex husband was also not one to discuss feelings but would now and then erupt in a rage. My current husband seems angry most of the time but usually just under the surface - shakes his head, makes angry gestures, rarely actually blows up but can shake with rage and almost come to blows with my son if both are angry at the same time. My son often seems depressed and won't talk; then he has the rages. He used to break things and yell obscenities; that stopped for quite a long time = seemed he had learned to deal with it better, but he's had a couple of bad rages again the past month or so. My daughter = we rarely knew what she felt as it was all just held inside of her especially as she got older. She used to cry if she didn't do well, and I think her emotions were often let off by playing the piano for hours. Her counselor says she shows a lot by body language. It's true that if she was really mad, I usually knew because she would pull away and not let me hug her or interact with her.
I guess that I gunnysack a lot also. I can be angry and resentful of the way I'm being treated, but I will rarely express that to the person. I will usually justify how I feel by talking to someone else who is also bothered by that person's actions. That is not a good way as it just feels worse then as it builds up; the other doesn't really know about your anger or why you suddenly have an outburst against them. It is also gossip which gives the person/emotion so much more power and control than it needs to have. I believe this is because it wasn't safe to express feelings in my house so I learned to have an outlet by talking them over with my mother - usually it was about someone who irritated her as well so it just reinforced this way of dealing with negative emotions. Once in awhile, I blow up at home and scream at people around me. It does get their attention, but I don't think it's an effective way to solve issues. I also must have an undercurrent of rage because I get mad at stupid people in traffic. Usually, when someone else is angry, I am quiet and try methods of calming them. I don't think I fear it the way I did - maybe it's lost its power because I've been exposed to many crazy rages now that it's lost its power to scare me as it once did. Either that or I actually trust my son and husband not to hit me. I didn't trust my ex or dad. However, I do try not to make my son angry - codependent behavior.
4. What repressed anger do you have? I would say it's about the way I was treated as a child which set me up for abuse and people not taking me seriously as an adult. Told my feelings weren't real - love for Dave - by my mom. Lots of criticism from both grandmothers. My brother did some really awful things to me and still does now and then. My dad could not express that he was proud of me or that I did anything well. My ex was the same. I was not allowed to make many of my own decisions or stand up for myself without being met with some kind of abuse.
Glen just gets on my nerves. I am angry at being stuck and not able to support myself well enough to not have had to marry him. I'm angry that he doesn't take care of himself because he'll probably end up disabled. I'm angry that he won't work on his problems. I'm angry that Keisuke and Kiku haven't been taking responsibility for themselves and neither did their dad, but I let that happen based on what was done to me. I have to unlearn that high tolerance for abuse. I am learning to back away from doing too much as it does make me resent it. Keisuke is pushing to move out. I have to learn to stand firm - can't waste money. I'm angry that I seem to have made so many wrong choices.
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