Difficult Episodes end March early April

My son refused to speak to me for several days.  I was hoping he'd get past it, and I would continue to talk to him and say that I didn't know why he was angry.  Finally, I just sat on his bed until he talked.  Then he spewed!  He dumped all kinds of stuff on me like it was all my fault he'd be dead in two weeks.  He was going to write a note blaming me for everything, he hates me, I'm a horrible mom, a self centered bitch, my kids hate me and are screwed up because of me . . .  I stayed calm and said I think we need to get help - the hospital, back on meds, etc., but he wouldn't let me leave.  I also said I'm not a horrible mother, but I acknowledged that I had made mistakes.  I also said that I believe these things are partly his pain and partly his way of controlling and manipulating me, but that I refuse to play and be the rescuer any longer.  Somehow he allowed me downstairs, but he picked up a knife and said he'd cut himself if I tried to call 911.  He then put the phones in the sink and ran water on them so there were no phones in the house.  He then took my mom's old vase and shattered it on the floor.  I walked right up to him even though I must admit there was some small fear that said he would stab me.  However, my instincts paid off; he didn't.  I began to leave the house fearing he would smash the door window but thinking it's best to call 911 from a neighbor's.  He really didn't want to be taken away so the suicide threat was as suspected bogus.  I know he feels angry and in pain, but suicide is not where he's going.  He hasn't left his room, but he did agree to visit the doctor and get back on meds IF I would go with him.  I have to go with him but not actually into the dr's office.  I feel I shouldn't do this because it means he's using me to do what he could do by himself, but I came to the conclusion that for some reason, he really needs this as he sees it as an expression of my love for him or something so I went.  The doctor changed the meds.  This week he's loving again and decided to go to Orcas and called me for help several times.  It was something that required help, though.  I hope the meds are helpful and he gets going with his life again.

Kiku apparently got moved out just fine, and I hope she continues with healing and finds a job soon.  I can no longer help her financially unless she moves back home as I just got notice that I'm being cut another $1000 per month between losing one day at work and Kiku's child support when she turns 21.  Life will be tougher for sure.  I can only pray that it somehow works itself out, the school comes back as I so want to work here the final 16 years of my life.  I don't have the energy for high pressure stuff or 12 month jobs.  I was so spoiled.  I also pray that finally Glen can get a good job that pays better and doesn't require so many hours.  He deserves that also.  He has worked hard. 

My head was spinning from these two events, and I started feeling sorry for myself again that so much more bad stuff seems to happen to me - never ending, but it is what it is.  Maybe I just need to stop and not rush out to fill in sub apps as it's time consuming and not all that much fun.  I can wait a bit; then set up a tutoring website, sign up for temp agencies as I think Fridays will end up being a popular fill in day and use some Fridays as recovery time for awhile.  If they drop me much below $30000, though, I think I have to look at other options such as unemployment.  Maybe it's a signal to me that the job for me is still out there somewhere, but I tell you I would have been super happy staying here until retirement.  I feel comfortable here and not super stressed out constantly.  It doesn't pay as well as I'd like, but I have a life still.  There's a lot to be said for that.  I am grateful for every day until Sept. when the changes take place and sending all my positive thoughts that business will pick up, Orcas will sell, the kids will get on track, I can work on my marital relationship and make decisions there.  It's too much to think about so let's say one day at a time.  Serenity.