Monday was a difficult day because Keisuke wasn't acting very understanding about the fact that I might be pretty upset about Kiku myself. I spent the day making myself crazy about what he could be doing because he wasn't answering. I thought maybe he was falling apart, but I felt my first duty was to support Kiku in her life and death struggle with heroin. I need to start calling Al-Anon people and get my sponsor set up to help me through those insane/difficult days. As far as I know, though, he did actually end up doing everything he was supposed to plus he says the anti-depressants are working well. I need to read up on depression also as that seems to be the root of Kiku's problem. I can't really blame myself or scream how unfair all this is when it's a true medical condition. I am asking my higher power for insurance help. Some financial breaks are coming our way here and there just as I was feeling total despair. I really want our insurance to pay for inpatient since that is Fairfax's recommendation for her. I can't quite see jeopardizing our financial resources to pay for it out of pocket; yet I think it's also important to put people above money. However, all of us are dependent on that for a cushion if something more goes wrong for us.
Tuesday was a better day because Kiku looked so good, and Keisuke and I had a good day. I'm not thrilled about losing more money to take him to the correct orientation, but if it means we get his tuition and books paid for 3 years, I guess I can lose another $75. I think I can't do an extra job while Kiku's in this critical part of treatment. I'm glad we didn't spend the money for the deck either even though it's in bad shape. I may need every penny to get her well. I love her so much. I believe she can step up now to do her part, but if something happens with her and Blake, I'm not sure how well she'll do - at least not during this first year.
Spirituality for those who've been to hell and don't want to go back there. I love that quote from NA book.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Friday, April 15, 2011
Task: Anger
1. What do you think would happen if you start feeling your angry feelings? Well, I'm a little afraid of how much I might let go. I don't want to say nasty things. There is a kind way to be honest. I think others would blow up if I were to let it go. I guess to just feel them would bring some pain, but it might also release some pain as the tension I sometimes feel would be gone. Perhaps I'd get interested in sex with my partner again. I know the anger and disappointment I feel at his lies and lack of follow through plus sometimes complete idiocy, negativity, etc. just turn me off. I just don't want to listen to him grunt while he has sex. Once I get past the revulsion, I actually can enjoy the sex. I just don't feel that I desire him in particular but really no-one. I just don't want that level of intimacy or involvement. I can't tell if it's hormones or the result of too much drama eating me away and taking away my ability to feel. The hiking and any other physical activity is such a great outlet for me. I think it's safe. I just don't want to be bothered with the whole partner thing. It's easier just to please myself - less energy. I can't say that it's really more satisfying, but I think I just need to take care of myself - not enough energy by the end of the day/hike, etc. to do much else but make myself relax. I guess it's selfish, but it's where I need to be. Wow, this got off topic, or did it? I so need a sponsor and maybe the occasional therapy appt. (can't afford now) to work through this one.
2. What do I believe about anger? What myths do I hold onto? Intellectually, I believe that anger is healthy. It points to some injustice we need to deal with. Sometimes I'm not sure why I feel it, and the example I saw as a child was to repress your feelings for peace at any price. I was often depressed which many claim is anger turned inward. I realize only I can make myself anger, but it is easy to blame others for the feeling.
3. How do my family members deal with anger? What is my pattern for dealing with anger?
My father never used to look angry, but we tended to pussyfoot around him because he gunnysacked and would have crazy, horrible blow ups about every 2 years. We never knew what the last straw was so we learned not to say our feelings and to act the best we could around him in order not to provoke a tantrum. My mother would just be quiet, but you could feel the disapproval radiating from her so you knew when she was angry, but she would just hold it in. She described herself as passive aggressive. My ex husband was also not one to discuss feelings but would now and then erupt in a rage. My current husband seems angry most of the time but usually just under the surface - shakes his head, makes angry gestures, rarely actually blows up but can shake with rage and almost come to blows with my son if both are angry at the same time. My son often seems depressed and won't talk; then he has the rages. He used to break things and yell obscenities; that stopped for quite a long time = seemed he had learned to deal with it better, but he's had a couple of bad rages again the past month or so. My daughter = we rarely knew what she felt as it was all just held inside of her especially as she got older. She used to cry if she didn't do well, and I think her emotions were often let off by playing the piano for hours. Her counselor says she shows a lot by body language. It's true that if she was really mad, I usually knew because she would pull away and not let me hug her or interact with her.
I guess that I gunnysack a lot also. I can be angry and resentful of the way I'm being treated, but I will rarely express that to the person. I will usually justify how I feel by talking to someone else who is also bothered by that person's actions. That is not a good way as it just feels worse then as it builds up; the other doesn't really know about your anger or why you suddenly have an outburst against them. It is also gossip which gives the person/emotion so much more power and control than it needs to have. I believe this is because it wasn't safe to express feelings in my house so I learned to have an outlet by talking them over with my mother - usually it was about someone who irritated her as well so it just reinforced this way of dealing with negative emotions. Once in awhile, I blow up at home and scream at people around me. It does get their attention, but I don't think it's an effective way to solve issues. I also must have an undercurrent of rage because I get mad at stupid people in traffic. Usually, when someone else is angry, I am quiet and try methods of calming them. I don't think I fear it the way I did - maybe it's lost its power because I've been exposed to many crazy rages now that it's lost its power to scare me as it once did. Either that or I actually trust my son and husband not to hit me. I didn't trust my ex or dad. However, I do try not to make my son angry - codependent behavior.
4. What repressed anger do you have? I would say it's about the way I was treated as a child which set me up for abuse and people not taking me seriously as an adult. Told my feelings weren't real - love for Dave - by my mom. Lots of criticism from both grandmothers. My brother did some really awful things to me and still does now and then. My dad could not express that he was proud of me or that I did anything well. My ex was the same. I was not allowed to make many of my own decisions or stand up for myself without being met with some kind of abuse.
Glen just gets on my nerves. I am angry at being stuck and not able to support myself well enough to not have had to marry him. I'm angry that he doesn't take care of himself because he'll probably end up disabled. I'm angry that he won't work on his problems. I'm angry that Keisuke and Kiku haven't been taking responsibility for themselves and neither did their dad, but I let that happen based on what was done to me. I have to unlearn that high tolerance for abuse. I am learning to back away from doing too much as it does make me resent it. Keisuke is pushing to move out. I have to learn to stand firm - can't waste money. I'm angry that I seem to have made so many wrong choices.
2. What do I believe about anger? What myths do I hold onto? Intellectually, I believe that anger is healthy. It points to some injustice we need to deal with. Sometimes I'm not sure why I feel it, and the example I saw as a child was to repress your feelings for peace at any price. I was often depressed which many claim is anger turned inward. I realize only I can make myself anger, but it is easy to blame others for the feeling.
3. How do my family members deal with anger? What is my pattern for dealing with anger?
My father never used to look angry, but we tended to pussyfoot around him because he gunnysacked and would have crazy, horrible blow ups about every 2 years. We never knew what the last straw was so we learned not to say our feelings and to act the best we could around him in order not to provoke a tantrum. My mother would just be quiet, but you could feel the disapproval radiating from her so you knew when she was angry, but she would just hold it in. She described herself as passive aggressive. My ex husband was also not one to discuss feelings but would now and then erupt in a rage. My current husband seems angry most of the time but usually just under the surface - shakes his head, makes angry gestures, rarely actually blows up but can shake with rage and almost come to blows with my son if both are angry at the same time. My son often seems depressed and won't talk; then he has the rages. He used to break things and yell obscenities; that stopped for quite a long time = seemed he had learned to deal with it better, but he's had a couple of bad rages again the past month or so. My daughter = we rarely knew what she felt as it was all just held inside of her especially as she got older. She used to cry if she didn't do well, and I think her emotions were often let off by playing the piano for hours. Her counselor says she shows a lot by body language. It's true that if she was really mad, I usually knew because she would pull away and not let me hug her or interact with her.
I guess that I gunnysack a lot also. I can be angry and resentful of the way I'm being treated, but I will rarely express that to the person. I will usually justify how I feel by talking to someone else who is also bothered by that person's actions. That is not a good way as it just feels worse then as it builds up; the other doesn't really know about your anger or why you suddenly have an outburst against them. It is also gossip which gives the person/emotion so much more power and control than it needs to have. I believe this is because it wasn't safe to express feelings in my house so I learned to have an outlet by talking them over with my mother - usually it was about someone who irritated her as well so it just reinforced this way of dealing with negative emotions. Once in awhile, I blow up at home and scream at people around me. It does get their attention, but I don't think it's an effective way to solve issues. I also must have an undercurrent of rage because I get mad at stupid people in traffic. Usually, when someone else is angry, I am quiet and try methods of calming them. I don't think I fear it the way I did - maybe it's lost its power because I've been exposed to many crazy rages now that it's lost its power to scare me as it once did. Either that or I actually trust my son and husband not to hit me. I didn't trust my ex or dad. However, I do try not to make my son angry - codependent behavior.
4. What repressed anger do you have? I would say it's about the way I was treated as a child which set me up for abuse and people not taking me seriously as an adult. Told my feelings weren't real - love for Dave - by my mom. Lots of criticism from both grandmothers. My brother did some really awful things to me and still does now and then. My dad could not express that he was proud of me or that I did anything well. My ex was the same. I was not allowed to make many of my own decisions or stand up for myself without being met with some kind of abuse.
Glen just gets on my nerves. I am angry at being stuck and not able to support myself well enough to not have had to marry him. I'm angry that he doesn't take care of himself because he'll probably end up disabled. I'm angry that he won't work on his problems. I'm angry that Keisuke and Kiku haven't been taking responsibility for themselves and neither did their dad, but I let that happen based on what was done to me. I have to unlearn that high tolerance for abuse. I am learning to back away from doing too much as it does make me resent it. Keisuke is pushing to move out. I have to learn to stand firm - can't waste money. I'm angry that I seem to have made so many wrong choices.
Task: Feeling and Expressing Those Feelings Honestly
I often try to talk myself out of a feeling because I feel it is "bad" to think that way or because I don't want to feel that pain.
This assignment relates to "what if" it were ok to feel those feelings, what would I be feeling now?
Relieved that it's ok for me to tutor so I wouldn't have to hide anything.
Depressed that I have to look for a job again when I felt happy here and willing to spend the rest of my job life here - until retirement.
Angry that family members and friends aren't dropped, but realizing the school wouldn't keep going if someone isn't willing to take it over.
Resentful and overwhelmed by all the time it takes to do one job application. Not enthusiastic about the process.
Alternating between hopeful and depressed - hopeful when I think maybe I can make good money at tutoring, but depressed that my evenings will be gone. Hopeful that I can really enjoy having that extra day off but wondering how tired I'll get having to work evenings. Depressed because I remember how students always drop out after a couple of months - just give up in most cases.
Depressed that Kiku isn't even interested in talking to me/sharing her life. I can't quite give up that little girl who so loved me. It's hard to let go. It's hard to face that I must have done something that caused her to turn her back on me. Wondering if it can be fixed. Will we ever have a relationship? We don't have a lot in common, but I still love who she was. Can I learn to be friends with who she is?
Happy that Keisuke is coming back to life and wants to talk lately. Dropping everything to listen because who knows when the next chance will come to be part of his life. I need to enjoy it while I can.
Still feeling dead about Glen and often even dreading when he comes around as I so often feel nothing but impatience and irritation when he's around me. I feel stuck as I can't ever earn enough to keep my life going. I have to be honest and say I like my life and don't want to have to shrink it all down again. It seems I've shrunk it enough, but now we have to tighten up even more again.
Anxious because the not knowing what will happen with the kids and Orcas and my job is so difficult. I have to keep repeating the slogans, but it doesn't quite take the pit out of my stomach.
Knowing that meetings are so important to retain some semblance of peace in my life. I just start playing the tapes over and over again in my mind - the craziness takes over if I let it. I have to keep up with slogans and phrases to stop that incessant chatter.
Relieved and happy that someone still is signed up for most activities so I know I won't be alone.
Trying hard to let go of that need to caretake. If someone can't get off work to ride with us, it is not really my problem. I feel guilty and bad for them and think of the golden rule. Does that not apply to some of these situations? I'd want someone to wait for me, but on the other hand, it's not fair for 5 people to wait 15 hours until one can go so I guess in that case, I would realize I had to drive myself and would do that.
This assignment relates to "what if" it were ok to feel those feelings, what would I be feeling now?
Relieved that it's ok for me to tutor so I wouldn't have to hide anything.
Depressed that I have to look for a job again when I felt happy here and willing to spend the rest of my job life here - until retirement.
Angry that family members and friends aren't dropped, but realizing the school wouldn't keep going if someone isn't willing to take it over.
Resentful and overwhelmed by all the time it takes to do one job application. Not enthusiastic about the process.
Alternating between hopeful and depressed - hopeful when I think maybe I can make good money at tutoring, but depressed that my evenings will be gone. Hopeful that I can really enjoy having that extra day off but wondering how tired I'll get having to work evenings. Depressed because I remember how students always drop out after a couple of months - just give up in most cases.
Depressed that Kiku isn't even interested in talking to me/sharing her life. I can't quite give up that little girl who so loved me. It's hard to let go. It's hard to face that I must have done something that caused her to turn her back on me. Wondering if it can be fixed. Will we ever have a relationship? We don't have a lot in common, but I still love who she was. Can I learn to be friends with who she is?
Happy that Keisuke is coming back to life and wants to talk lately. Dropping everything to listen because who knows when the next chance will come to be part of his life. I need to enjoy it while I can.
Still feeling dead about Glen and often even dreading when he comes around as I so often feel nothing but impatience and irritation when he's around me. I feel stuck as I can't ever earn enough to keep my life going. I have to be honest and say I like my life and don't want to have to shrink it all down again. It seems I've shrunk it enough, but now we have to tighten up even more again.
Anxious because the not knowing what will happen with the kids and Orcas and my job is so difficult. I have to keep repeating the slogans, but it doesn't quite take the pit out of my stomach.
Knowing that meetings are so important to retain some semblance of peace in my life. I just start playing the tapes over and over again in my mind - the craziness takes over if I let it. I have to keep up with slogans and phrases to stop that incessant chatter.
Relieved and happy that someone still is signed up for most activities so I know I won't be alone.
Trying hard to let go of that need to caretake. If someone can't get off work to ride with us, it is not really my problem. I feel guilty and bad for them and think of the golden rule. Does that not apply to some of these situations? I'd want someone to wait for me, but on the other hand, it's not fair for 5 people to wait 15 hours until one can go so I guess in that case, I would realize I had to drive myself and would do that.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Misc 4/12/11
Student appears to be a "no show". It's just difficult to say so I can't get started on any longer projects. It sucks to have to be doing so much paperwork to apply for jobs again. I guess my decision is to:
1. Fill out sub apps, tutor apps, and temp agency apps- mostly by the end of May and devote one break each week minimum to this process. It takes forever.
2. If I somehow see an excellent job opportunity, I apply for it and take it if it comes through. I don't want to leave here, but I can't be sure this school will survive with staff other than family. I can't take that much of a chance. Luckily, I could get unemployment so I'm willing to try to ride it out as it would be nice to have that recovery day for a year, but gas prices are so high I can't go alone often - would have to post to various places to find buddies.
3. My preference would be to get enough students to tutor Mon-Wed so that I wouldn't have to be tied down for the weekend. If I can earn at least half what I lost + start saving, it will help. I really don't want to sub. Temp office work might not be bad just so I can update that type of experience.
4. Every time I think I can fund the IRA, something happens. I guess I just have to hope and pray that Social Security comes through or that the house would sell before I was really off the deep end or that there will still be some money left through dad that I can have by retirement time.
5. For now, my priority has to be paying off the credit card debt and trying not to use the card at all anymore is the best way to do that. Any extra money goes to savings and maybe $200 to IRA.
6. Gotta keep hoping kids can soon be self supporting.
7. Wish I could pay for Keisuke to scuba dive. I would like him to have some active hobby, but it's super expensive so it's something he'd have to work for himself. I need to ask him again about the tutoring once he gets back from Orcas. He's in such a good mood now and willing to do work at Orcas so I hate to push anything unless I'm sure the meds are helping, and he won't go off the deep end again.
8. Wish Kiku would just call to chat. I can't even get ahold of her anymore.
1. Fill out sub apps, tutor apps, and temp agency apps- mostly by the end of May and devote one break each week minimum to this process. It takes forever.
2. If I somehow see an excellent job opportunity, I apply for it and take it if it comes through. I don't want to leave here, but I can't be sure this school will survive with staff other than family. I can't take that much of a chance. Luckily, I could get unemployment so I'm willing to try to ride it out as it would be nice to have that recovery day for a year, but gas prices are so high I can't go alone often - would have to post to various places to find buddies.
3. My preference would be to get enough students to tutor Mon-Wed so that I wouldn't have to be tied down for the weekend. If I can earn at least half what I lost + start saving, it will help. I really don't want to sub. Temp office work might not be bad just so I can update that type of experience.
4. Every time I think I can fund the IRA, something happens. I guess I just have to hope and pray that Social Security comes through or that the house would sell before I was really off the deep end or that there will still be some money left through dad that I can have by retirement time.
5. For now, my priority has to be paying off the credit card debt and trying not to use the card at all anymore is the best way to do that. Any extra money goes to savings and maybe $200 to IRA.
6. Gotta keep hoping kids can soon be self supporting.
7. Wish I could pay for Keisuke to scuba dive. I would like him to have some active hobby, but it's super expensive so it's something he'd have to work for himself. I need to ask him again about the tutoring once he gets back from Orcas. He's in such a good mood now and willing to do work at Orcas so I hate to push anything unless I'm sure the meds are helping, and he won't go off the deep end again.
8. Wish Kiku would just call to chat. I can't even get ahold of her anymore.
Friday, April 8, 2011
Grief Process
I have grieved for the loss of my dreams. The biggest first one was bilingual kids. Kazuya just wasn't interested. I projected onto him that he would be the man for my life. He wasn't. Glen certainly has been a disappointment as well. I have a nicer life but none of the formals, socializing, vacations, being well known in the community, etc. I had hoped for. I have become quite content with the outdoor group socializing as I sometimes look around and say I'm part of a group finally after years of outside looking in. Wish I met them when the kids were small so we'd have had a group of fun outdoor people and friends for them. Now my big dream is more about being able to turn Orcas into another vacation home that everyone comes to love.
My next big grief is that I thought I'd done everything for my kids to make smooth sailing for them to get into careers and be happy and successful, self supporting, but both of them have chosen the hard way to go. I wonder if my parents felt like this about me or my brother. Certainly I didn't live up to my potential although I'm not doing awful. I could have reached higher but didn't have that self confidence. I thought at least Kiku had it so that's probably the biggest grief - death of my dreams for her. It doesn't mean she won't make it someday, but she had/took the hard path. So much awful stuff happened to her. I grieve for all of that - so many crises: illness, stalker, Dustin betraying her trust in such an awful way, I hope she can recover, but I can't help her anymore.
The other grieving - having to sell Orcas. I have shed so many tears, but I believe I'm mostly at acceptance now. If I could get enough money to be able to do some of the other things I want like vacations in the sun every other year, security in retirement, a beach home in Port Angeles, and a home in the Cle Elum area, it would be worth the pain of losing that piece of paradise. Otherwise, it's just another loss in a series of so many. The grieving went on for over a year, but mostly I don't feel like crying about it. I'm ready to let go, but in this economy, I'm not able to. The anxiety of not knowing is sometimes unbelievable. That is when I have to practice the "Let Go, Let God" and "One Day at a Time" if I don't want to go crazy from swirling thoughts that won't end.
I'm depressed today.
Losing my job or being cut back is another grief process. I was comfortable here and hoping to spend the next 16 years at this school. There are things I don't like about it, but it is one of the best places - right up there with EvCC and EdCC. Now I have to scramble around yet again and spend lots of time and energy. I especially don't feel I have the energy or emotional reserves to cope with more upset.
My grief process: At first I feel disbelief and shock and cannot really even think. After that, the pain sets in and I wonder if it will ever be better or there will be a day without pain. I often try to avoid the pain in the first place by talking myself out of it, saying it will be better in the future, or I can cope if I just . . . I also head out for a hiking trip or sometimes cope by cleaning or some other monotonous, repetitive action that takes my mind off what's happening as I just get overwhelmed and feel there's no way out. Once I have to feel the pain, I often get angry at the person if I feel they "caused" it in some way by their behavior. I have bargained saying to God that if I do better, could I please not have this crisis in my life. I blame it on my bad behavior and try to do better. I tried so hard to be perfect and failed. Being perfect didn't save me. Working my ass off never got me a raise, etc. No-one seemed to care or appreciate what I did. I wondered why some people who seemed to me to be whiners got positive attention, but I didn't. After the crisis, a few days later, I have usually cycled more or less into acceptance until the next big upset.
I have not finished grieving for my children's futures. The longest other cycle was for my father's death. It took a long time before I could talk about him without crying.
I'm not sleeping again. Kiku is especially on my mind as a hole of pain. She doesn't contact me on her own. I'm trying to let go and not contact her either, but I hate not hearing from her. It hurts that she doesn't want to share her life or bits of herself with me. I wonder how that happened, but it's too late to second guess where that all went wrong. She may still find herself. At least Keisuke mostly still interacts with me - for better for worse. It's true that indifference is the worst in a relationship.
My next big grief is that I thought I'd done everything for my kids to make smooth sailing for them to get into careers and be happy and successful, self supporting, but both of them have chosen the hard way to go. I wonder if my parents felt like this about me or my brother. Certainly I didn't live up to my potential although I'm not doing awful. I could have reached higher but didn't have that self confidence. I thought at least Kiku had it so that's probably the biggest grief - death of my dreams for her. It doesn't mean she won't make it someday, but she had/took the hard path. So much awful stuff happened to her. I grieve for all of that - so many crises: illness, stalker, Dustin betraying her trust in such an awful way, I hope she can recover, but I can't help her anymore.
The other grieving - having to sell Orcas. I have shed so many tears, but I believe I'm mostly at acceptance now. If I could get enough money to be able to do some of the other things I want like vacations in the sun every other year, security in retirement, a beach home in Port Angeles, and a home in the Cle Elum area, it would be worth the pain of losing that piece of paradise. Otherwise, it's just another loss in a series of so many. The grieving went on for over a year, but mostly I don't feel like crying about it. I'm ready to let go, but in this economy, I'm not able to. The anxiety of not knowing is sometimes unbelievable. That is when I have to practice the "Let Go, Let God" and "One Day at a Time" if I don't want to go crazy from swirling thoughts that won't end.
I'm depressed today.
Losing my job or being cut back is another grief process. I was comfortable here and hoping to spend the next 16 years at this school. There are things I don't like about it, but it is one of the best places - right up there with EvCC and EdCC. Now I have to scramble around yet again and spend lots of time and energy. I especially don't feel I have the energy or emotional reserves to cope with more upset.
My grief process: At first I feel disbelief and shock and cannot really even think. After that, the pain sets in and I wonder if it will ever be better or there will be a day without pain. I often try to avoid the pain in the first place by talking myself out of it, saying it will be better in the future, or I can cope if I just . . . I also head out for a hiking trip or sometimes cope by cleaning or some other monotonous, repetitive action that takes my mind off what's happening as I just get overwhelmed and feel there's no way out. Once I have to feel the pain, I often get angry at the person if I feel they "caused" it in some way by their behavior. I have bargained saying to God that if I do better, could I please not have this crisis in my life. I blame it on my bad behavior and try to do better. I tried so hard to be perfect and failed. Being perfect didn't save me. Working my ass off never got me a raise, etc. No-one seemed to care or appreciate what I did. I wondered why some people who seemed to me to be whiners got positive attention, but I didn't. After the crisis, a few days later, I have usually cycled more or less into acceptance until the next big upset.
I have not finished grieving for my children's futures. The longest other cycle was for my father's death. It took a long time before I could talk about him without crying.
I'm not sleeping again. Kiku is especially on my mind as a hole of pain. She doesn't contact me on her own. I'm trying to let go and not contact her either, but I hate not hearing from her. It hurts that she doesn't want to share her life or bits of herself with me. I wonder how that happened, but it's too late to second guess where that all went wrong. She may still find herself. At least Keisuke mostly still interacts with me - for better for worse. It's true that indifference is the worst in a relationship.
Main Goals
Financial:
1. Pay all bills on time - so far so good.
2. Make headway on paying the debts down - in case Orcas doesn't sell for years. (Cut back expenses now so can save.) Get debts paid off in two years. Add no new debts is best way; then pay off slowly.
3. Start putting more into retirement funds.
4. Think about investing in retirement property if Orcas sells. Goal is Port Angeles area and beachfront or lake with dock. Aim to rent it for 6 months out of the year through agency. If does well enough, invest in Cle Elum property.
5. Fix the other house problems: deck, paint, dry rot areas, fence boards, carpets and stair wood (putting off for now other than repairing a couple of really bad boards on deck.
6. Retirement - at least $250000 in cash and no debts.
Employment:
Short Term: find some more fun activities for classes so students are happy and spread the word.
2. increase French and Japanese skills - get into some classes for credit.
3. find a way to make up for Fridays by working Sun, Tues, Wed. if possible saving Monday for yoga and Thurs for meetings. However, Monday can also be sacrificed as necessary
Long Term:
1. Japanese major will help with job apps
2. $50,000 per year for me; 75+ for Glen - ha ha can't make his goal
for him
3. no debts
4. hiking type job? at least part time - get paid for doing what I love
5. keep looking for ideal job in case this one goes under - must not be more than an hour commute roundtrip, must pay enough, must be reasonably enjoyable and have good time off + benefits
Choices:
1 wait and see and just keep an eye on job postings for now - in case
2 Wait and see and get set up with temp agencies, tutoring website, and tutoring companies, apply to Sylvan and Seattle Language School - just in case
3. Completely wait and see - pay comes until first of Sept. Maybe good stuff will happen by then so I don't need all the other stuff.
Personal:
Continue working the Al-Anon lifestyle and attending meetings no matter how nice it is outside and how lazy I feel. Find a sponsor.
Work on personal faults
Build better relationship with kids and family by improving myself. Time/Listen!
Fitness: Aim for at least one day with 3000 feet and 10 miles
Relax at least one day out of the month; preferable one day per week where I don't have to go anywhere in the a.m.
Lose weight: 15 by mid June for Stehekin and backpacking; 35 by Sept. 50 by Dec by watching what I eat - eat smart; stop the trail mix unless out with it - use the sweet beans instead
Daily Goals:
1. 30 minutes exercise with dog - minimum 3 x a week; more exercise indoors to build strength
2. 30 minutes chores - filing, cleaning, weeding OR run errands
3. 30 minutes min. on Al-Anon
4. Study or read at least 30 min.
5. Limit TV to 1.5 hours per day
Spend quality time talking to family. Seek peace not trouble. Be patient. Focus.
6. Fill out an app per day until done. Fill out apps as necessary thereafter.
Weekly/Daily
7. Check joblines as often as possible for possibilities.
Wants:
1. RV I can drive
1. Pay all bills on time - so far so good.
2. Make headway on paying the debts down - in case Orcas doesn't sell for years. (Cut back expenses now so can save.) Get debts paid off in two years. Add no new debts is best way; then pay off slowly.
3. Start putting more into retirement funds.
4. Think about investing in retirement property if Orcas sells. Goal is Port Angeles area and beachfront or lake with dock. Aim to rent it for 6 months out of the year through agency. If does well enough, invest in Cle Elum property.
5. Fix the other house problems: deck, paint, dry rot areas, fence boards, carpets and stair wood (putting off for now other than repairing a couple of really bad boards on deck.
6. Retirement - at least $250000 in cash and no debts.
Employment:
Short Term: find some more fun activities for classes so students are happy and spread the word.
2. increase French and Japanese skills - get into some classes for credit.
3. find a way to make up for Fridays by working Sun, Tues, Wed. if possible saving Monday for yoga and Thurs for meetings. However, Monday can also be sacrificed as necessary
Long Term:
1. Japanese major will help with job apps
2. $50,000 per year for me; 75+ for Glen - ha ha can't make his goal
for him
3. no debts
4. hiking type job? at least part time - get paid for doing what I love
5. keep looking for ideal job in case this one goes under - must not be more than an hour commute roundtrip, must pay enough, must be reasonably enjoyable and have good time off + benefits
Choices:
1 wait and see and just keep an eye on job postings for now - in case
2 Wait and see and get set up with temp agencies, tutoring website, and tutoring companies, apply to Sylvan and Seattle Language School - just in case
3. Completely wait and see - pay comes until first of Sept. Maybe good stuff will happen by then so I don't need all the other stuff.
Personal:
Continue working the Al-Anon lifestyle and attending meetings no matter how nice it is outside and how lazy I feel. Find a sponsor.
Work on personal faults
Build better relationship with kids and family by improving myself. Time/Listen!
Fitness: Aim for at least one day with 3000 feet and 10 miles
Relax at least one day out of the month; preferable one day per week where I don't have to go anywhere in the a.m.
Lose weight: 15 by mid June for Stehekin and backpacking; 35 by Sept. 50 by Dec by watching what I eat - eat smart; stop the trail mix unless out with it - use the sweet beans instead
Daily Goals:
1. 30 minutes exercise with dog - minimum 3 x a week; more exercise indoors to build strength
2. 30 minutes chores - filing, cleaning, weeding OR run errands
3. 30 minutes min. on Al-Anon
4. Study or read at least 30 min.
5. Limit TV to 1.5 hours per day
Spend quality time talking to family. Seek peace not trouble. Be patient. Focus.
6. Fill out an app per day until done. Fill out apps as necessary thereafter.
Weekly/Daily
7. Check joblines as often as possible for possibilities.
Wants:
1. RV I can drive
Difficult Episodes end March early April
My son refused to speak to me for several days. I was hoping he'd get past it, and I would continue to talk to him and say that I didn't know why he was angry. Finally, I just sat on his bed until he talked. Then he spewed! He dumped all kinds of stuff on me like it was all my fault he'd be dead in two weeks. He was going to write a note blaming me for everything, he hates me, I'm a horrible mom, a self centered bitch, my kids hate me and are screwed up because of me . . . I stayed calm and said I think we need to get help - the hospital, back on meds, etc., but he wouldn't let me leave. I also said I'm not a horrible mother, but I acknowledged that I had made mistakes. I also said that I believe these things are partly his pain and partly his way of controlling and manipulating me, but that I refuse to play and be the rescuer any longer. Somehow he allowed me downstairs, but he picked up a knife and said he'd cut himself if I tried to call 911. He then put the phones in the sink and ran water on them so there were no phones in the house. He then took my mom's old vase and shattered it on the floor. I walked right up to him even though I must admit there was some small fear that said he would stab me. However, my instincts paid off; he didn't. I began to leave the house fearing he would smash the door window but thinking it's best to call 911 from a neighbor's. He really didn't want to be taken away so the suicide threat was as suspected bogus. I know he feels angry and in pain, but suicide is not where he's going. He hasn't left his room, but he did agree to visit the doctor and get back on meds IF I would go with him. I have to go with him but not actually into the dr's office. I feel I shouldn't do this because it means he's using me to do what he could do by himself, but I came to the conclusion that for some reason, he really needs this as he sees it as an expression of my love for him or something so I went. The doctor changed the meds. This week he's loving again and decided to go to Orcas and called me for help several times. It was something that required help, though. I hope the meds are helpful and he gets going with his life again.
Kiku apparently got moved out just fine, and I hope she continues with healing and finds a job soon. I can no longer help her financially unless she moves back home as I just got notice that I'm being cut another $1000 per month between losing one day at work and Kiku's child support when she turns 21. Life will be tougher for sure. I can only pray that it somehow works itself out, the school comes back as I so want to work here the final 16 years of my life. I don't have the energy for high pressure stuff or 12 month jobs. I was so spoiled. I also pray that finally Glen can get a good job that pays better and doesn't require so many hours. He deserves that also. He has worked hard.
My head was spinning from these two events, and I started feeling sorry for myself again that so much more bad stuff seems to happen to me - never ending, but it is what it is. Maybe I just need to stop and not rush out to fill in sub apps as it's time consuming and not all that much fun. I can wait a bit; then set up a tutoring website, sign up for temp agencies as I think Fridays will end up being a popular fill in day and use some Fridays as recovery time for awhile. If they drop me much below $30000, though, I think I have to look at other options such as unemployment. Maybe it's a signal to me that the job for me is still out there somewhere, but I tell you I would have been super happy staying here until retirement. I feel comfortable here and not super stressed out constantly. It doesn't pay as well as I'd like, but I have a life still. There's a lot to be said for that. I am grateful for every day until Sept. when the changes take place and sending all my positive thoughts that business will pick up, Orcas will sell, the kids will get on track, I can work on my marital relationship and make decisions there. It's too much to think about so let's say one day at a time. Serenity.
Kiku apparently got moved out just fine, and I hope she continues with healing and finds a job soon. I can no longer help her financially unless she moves back home as I just got notice that I'm being cut another $1000 per month between losing one day at work and Kiku's child support when she turns 21. Life will be tougher for sure. I can only pray that it somehow works itself out, the school comes back as I so want to work here the final 16 years of my life. I don't have the energy for high pressure stuff or 12 month jobs. I was so spoiled. I also pray that finally Glen can get a good job that pays better and doesn't require so many hours. He deserves that also. He has worked hard.
My head was spinning from these two events, and I started feeling sorry for myself again that so much more bad stuff seems to happen to me - never ending, but it is what it is. Maybe I just need to stop and not rush out to fill in sub apps as it's time consuming and not all that much fun. I can wait a bit; then set up a tutoring website, sign up for temp agencies as I think Fridays will end up being a popular fill in day and use some Fridays as recovery time for awhile. If they drop me much below $30000, though, I think I have to look at other options such as unemployment. Maybe it's a signal to me that the job for me is still out there somewhere, but I tell you I would have been super happy staying here until retirement. I feel comfortable here and not super stressed out constantly. It doesn't pay as well as I'd like, but I have a life still. There's a lot to be said for that. I am grateful for every day until Sept. when the changes take place and sending all my positive thoughts that business will pick up, Orcas will sell, the kids will get on track, I can work on my marital relationship and make decisions there. It's too much to think about so let's say one day at a time. Serenity.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
CoDa task - like/dislike about myself
Like:
a. intelligent
b. caring
c. strong
d. capable
e. steady
f. reliable
g. doing better at willpower - money and food
h. my hobbies
i. my pets
j. my family
k. disciplined about exercise
l. good memory (when focused)
m. cool to know so many languages
n. good at planning
o. have become better at socializing
Dislike:
1. lack of focus
2. unmotivated to do stuff/spend time on stuff I don't like such as filing and grocery shopping
3. impatient - esp. traffic - so intensely unhappy about wasting time
4. get frustrated with last minute changes to plan
5. kind of obsessed with planning
6. lack of self control for several years
7. kind of numb emotionally
8. stay in relationships that don't work
9. allow people to take from me all the time without giving
10. not assertive enough about respect for me from others - perhaps not from myself either
11. dislike taking a risk of rejection from others - prevents me from doing some things I might otherwise do
a. intelligent
b. caring
c. strong
d. capable
e. steady
f. reliable
g. doing better at willpower - money and food
h. my hobbies
i. my pets
j. my family
k. disciplined about exercise
l. good memory (when focused)
m. cool to know so many languages
n. good at planning
o. have become better at socializing
Dislike:
1. lack of focus
2. unmotivated to do stuff/spend time on stuff I don't like such as filing and grocery shopping
3. impatient - esp. traffic - so intensely unhappy about wasting time
4. get frustrated with last minute changes to plan
5. kind of obsessed with planning
6. lack of self control for several years
7. kind of numb emotionally
8. stay in relationships that don't work
9. allow people to take from me all the time without giving
10. not assertive enough about respect for me from others - perhaps not from myself either
11. dislike taking a risk of rejection from others - prevents me from doing some things I might otherwise do
April musings
Well, it was a great spring break with 30 + miles and 8000 feet of gain snowshoeing near Easton the first 3 days and concluding with 3 days at the ocean.
Inbetween was a big hiccup with my son's awful scene. He seems fine this week - maybe it's the new meds? I called a couple of Al-Anon people for support as I was pretty upset by the tantrum.
Just before spring break we found out that there would be more cuts at school. Today I was told I would lose Fridays for sure; beyond that she can't be sure yet. I like the idea of a 4-day week but can ill afford it so I am putting in sub applications (takes forever and most places not taking them now), tutoring apps - maybe learn to set up a website, and or temp jobs. I love the idea of getting stuff done Fridays and going on extra backpacking, but the loss of income will hurt us a lot. I have to let go and let God. Glen is applying for another great job; maybe this time he will finally get it. It's hard to even hope and think positively when all the signs in the economy suck. We can't sell Orcas, etc. I'm trying to keep my chin up and breathe. I am not in control of this, and worry just makes me sick.
Inbetween was a big hiccup with my son's awful scene. He seems fine this week - maybe it's the new meds? I called a couple of Al-Anon people for support as I was pretty upset by the tantrum.
Just before spring break we found out that there would be more cuts at school. Today I was told I would lose Fridays for sure; beyond that she can't be sure yet. I like the idea of a 4-day week but can ill afford it so I am putting in sub applications (takes forever and most places not taking them now), tutoring apps - maybe learn to set up a website, and or temp jobs. I love the idea of getting stuff done Fridays and going on extra backpacking, but the loss of income will hurt us a lot. I have to let go and let God. Glen is applying for another great job; maybe this time he will finally get it. It's hard to even hope and think positively when all the signs in the economy suck. We can't sell Orcas, etc. I'm trying to keep my chin up and breathe. I am not in control of this, and worry just makes me sick.
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