1. Do I realize that a healthy form of self love is needed in my relationships with others? Yes. If I haven't learned to accept and love myself, I can't take care of myself in relationships. I might let myself be walked over or be judgmental.
2. Have I accepted alcoholism as an illness and the alcoholic as a sick person? Yes.
3. Have I freed my loved ones to live their own lives? I'm doing better at this. I used to step in and help solve the problem thinking that was the way to be supportive. I've stepped back. Sometimes this change is hard for my son as he doesn't understand the program. I believe I need to be more upfront about some of what I'm doing as if I explain it more, he might comprehend that it's not just selfishness or laziness as he seems to think now.
4. Have I learned that whenever I say, "I could love you IF . . ." I am not expressing love. Any kind of conditions is not love.
5. (p. 27) Do I know I must love with an open hand and that anything or anyone I lose by releasing my grasp was never mine to start with? Yes. I had a poster once that says if you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If not, it never was. I have been letting go and working on developing the faith that perhaps my children will one day choose to be around me.
6. Do I show my family members that I love them? Yes. My way was through food and doing things for them. I was better at listening in the younger years but became less focused in recent years. I am trying to be conscious and in the present enough to stop and give them my full attention. I realize this is a character defect - trying to multitask meant that I didn't give them the undivided attention they deserved. This would be a good way to show my love.
7. Am I consistent in my loving attitude toward my family? Mostly. I have times where I'm kind of a bitch. I'm working on that. If I follow the program and remember the slogans, I will be more likely to have not built up the resentments leading to my bitchy behavior.
8. Is sex a natural expression of love between my loved one and myself? I guess I'm having trouble with this one. I'm not sure if it's hormonal or it's just so much unresolved anger, resentment, disappointment in my partner. I realize it's a fault of my expectations not being in line with reality. He drops the ball a lot, lies, has some addict behavior, sits in front of the TV. Mainly it's been hard to forgive that he lied to me in the courting phase as he so desperately thought he needed to be married to me. In the end, he got someone resentful that he wasn't as compatible as I had hoped. I was so straightforward about what I was looking for . . .
9. Have I faced the truth about my sexual relationship with my loved one? The truth is that I'm not interested in him that way. I rarely feel attraction to anyone these days. It's something I need to discuss further with a professional to see what's at the bottom of it. I don't mind having sex now and then, but I do not seek it out. I'd rather just take care of my needs on my own.
10. Am I open and honest in my relationships? I'm working on this one also. I've been afraid to be completely open and honest as I don't want to hurt the other person and I also fear rejection. I am trying to speak my piece once so that at least I don't regret/beat myself up about not voicing it.
11. Do I have the courage to seek professional help about sexual problems I can't handle? Yes. I will need to do this when I can figure out a good schedule. I personally don't care that I don't want to have sex, but my husband throws it in my face as he's still interested in it.
12. Can I detach from other people's problems and idiosyncracies and still love them as people? Mostly. I sometimes feel myself being sucked in, but I have done better at walking away from the problem rather than absorbing it as my own. I love the differences in most people unless it is unhealthy for me. I have the hardest time accepting my own as I sometimes wonder who'd want to hang out with me.
13. Do I know the difference between detachment and indifference? Indifference means I just don't care and gave up. Detachment means I love and am interested in their well being but not to the point of living it for them. I can encourage but not control.
14. Can I give love without seeking its return? Yes. Sometimes I feel a bit resentful that I do so much and get nothing back, but I've been better about remembering that many times it gets paid forward.
15. Do I have genuine concern for my fellow man? Yes. However, I get impatient with things I consider to be stupid like cutting people off in traffic. Sometimes I think I just hate people - not the ones I know but crowds of strangers. I get anxious with too much input. I also can't understand people who like Sarah Palin, supported George Bush, are more into money than the environment . . .
16. Do I make an effort to remember and take an interest in special days, events, and things in the lives of those who are important to me? Yes.
17. How often do it TELL others that I love them? not often enough - rarely tell my husband - don't feel I really am in love with him; tell my kids at least once a month; don't think I tell my mom or other family members ever.
18. Am I natural in my relationships with others, avoiding the tendency to be on guard to say and do just the right thing? It depends on how well I know them or how comfortable I feel. I can be myself with some people, but I watch myself with others. I'm becoming less inhibited with time. In some situations, I think you have to be careful - such as at work.
19. Can I share those whom I love, avoiding competition for another's affection? Yes. Once in awhile, I feel a jealous twinge that some people I introduced seem to hang out together more than with me, but I turn it around and look at it as being great they made a connection. I think it's harder for me to make those deep connections so I feel a bit envious of others who can. I have enough friends that I don't need that exclusivity.
20. Do I let my Higher Power work in my relationships? I haven't done much with a higher power until this past year. I am doing my best to let go. Serenity means my relationships will work better. I already feel there is less negative energy coming from me - less feeling sorry for myself, less anger, less gossip.
21. Do I see gratitude as an expression of love? Yes. I am grateful to those in my life for being there. I don't always thank them on a regular basis, but it is part of love.
22. Do I try to show newcomers to Al-Anon a real sense of warmth and care? I try to talk to those with whom I feel a connection such as Nancy. I keep meaning to call her to find out why she hasn't been back. I also put on a smile and welcoming face. I need to call come newcomers.
23. Do I realize that carrying the Al-Anon message is really sharing love? Yes. It is a program of peace and serenity. Passing on this gift is loving others. It's the greatest gift a person can have.
Findings: What I've discovered about my capacity for loving:
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