1. If I have completed my fourth step inventory, how do I feel about sharing details of my past with another person? I feel accepted in this program so I don't feel a great fear or anxiety about sharing the inventory. I was a little nervous especially about the sexual part as that seems more personal or more of an area of shame. I would not be able to share myself in this fashion with my children or outside people because I'm not sure they would understand the purpose or receive complete honesty from me without feeling the need to respond. My children are still controlling me in some ways as I still worry about their reactions. This is a character defect which I must learn to face and remove.
2. In what areas of my past am I willing to be completely honest? How the actions of my original family affected me; my own feelings about my mistakes as a parent; life in an alcoholic marriage; my own teen drinking and drug use - justification was that I could overcome my shyness and isolation.
3. What are some of the advantages I might get from admitting my faults? Relief. It is hard to face my imperfections in an objective way - I have been so used to beating myself up over every imperfection. I believe that someone listening may not see them as the horrible things I did. I am pretty accepting of admissions from others, but to accept my own faults and let them go is a challenge. I may also find that when I identify them clearly that they will lose their power. I can also set up goals for overcoming some or all of them. I can listen more carefully when other members share about the same fault.
4. Do I understand the healing relief that honestly admitting my faults can bring? Yes. I can look at the list of faults, and I feel they will lose their power to control me. I can become more authentic and put my energy into healing rather than covering up perceived imperfections.
5. What expectations do I have about how I should feel or what I should experience when I admit my faults? When reading this, the word "should" caught my eye. Should is imposed from without. That is what I am trying to overcome - the shoulds. I do expect to feel some kind of release because I have never shared all that I am completely honestly with anyone. It will take courage.
6. Am I ready to let these expectations go and allow my HP to determine the best results for me? How do I know? I feel some reluctance about sharing my truth with those that might be judgmental, but I don't feel that from my sponsor or most other members of the group. I will have faith that however I feel will be exactly as it is meant to be.
7. Would I be willing to group my inventory into things I could admit, things I might admit, and things I think "no way, I could never!" and start with the could list? I would do this, but I feel ready to admit pretty much everything that is observable to me. There are extremely few things I don't think I'd want to talk about now. Those relate mostly to sexual experiences. I am talking to a counselor about this and will eventually work on this with my husband and the counselor.
8. Am I afraid to admit my faults to my HP? No. My HP already knows everything about me - even the things about which I most feel shame such as losing my temper when my son would constantly cry and beat his head into the crib meaning that I could not get much sleep. One time I actually hit him. I feel awful about that and have wondered if it contributed to his later issues.
9. Who in the program could I call to discuss my fears about God? I don't have any fears to discuss. I long ago got past the whole organized religion guilt trip. It is just a matter of developing the faith to let things go and being still and waiting. I recognize there is nothing I can do. I just find it hard to do nothing, but I am doing so much better about this. When I get the crazies, I read about a loving God and also read CAL.
10. Could I make a list of my fears and turn them over? What are my fears?
1. My kids won't love me if I don't do what they expect.
2. My daughter will relapse.
3. Our finances will collapse.
4. Orcas will sell. Orcas won't sell.
5. One or both of my children will die.
6. Interactions with a group of strangers; going to a party where I know few people and can't see what I have in common with them. I just don't know what to say; then I feel awkward. Fear of rejection.
7. When I go out on a winter adventure, I have a lot of anxiety about death.
8. That one of us will die before we can rebuild our relationships and lives - unfinished business.
9. That I won't be able to find another job - especially one which allows me 12 weeks of time off.
10. That I am losing my intelligence - brain just isn't functioning like it used to.
11. That I would be paralyzed/in such ill condition that I can't go out.
12. Some lingering anxiety about being away from my home.
13. We won't have enough to survive in retirement.
14. My kids won't want to have a relationship with me.
*How can admitting my faults to my HP help me? Facing them brings relief. It allows me to see myself as I am and learn to accept myself and think progress not perfection. Also, I am not hiding them and hoping He won't see them. Some lingering need for perfection in His eyes?
*Can I concede that I am not perfect? How can I quit trying to be? Oh man, I am too well aware that I haven't succeeded at the goal of perfection. I can be ok with that most of the time, but sometimes I get back into that comparison and judgmental mode. When I feel that, I need to remind myself that everyone has struggles - going to meetings to hear stories or calling others will quickly bring that to mind. I can also call my sponsor to talk about the perfection crazies.
*How do I try to excuse myself from harms I may have done? I often try to find the blame the other person has in the situation without looking at what my part was. It is so painful to admit that I was contributing to a situation that I often just try to avoid the issue. I had a tendency to run away - to escape into my activities to keep me so busy that I couldn't look at myself or others around me that might be hurt. This caused more damage in the long run. I escape into books, TV, movies, hiking group, work, studies . . .
*With whom will I share my 5th step? What qualities made me choose this person? Do I trust him or her?
I will share with my sponsor. I liked her peaceful manner and wisdom she shares in the meetings. I also like that she admits that she still has problems and is working on growth. She has had major pain in her life to deal with - more than I can imagine being able to survive; yet she still smiles. She is a good listener and seems to be in the present. She comes across as intelligent, patient, soft spoken, and well educated. She looks fashionable. These are all things I would like to be. I trust her completely.
*Do I have any of these qualities myself? Did I list them under my assets? Actually, if I really thought about it, I do have most of those qualities. I just didn't see all of them before. The main thing that was missing was the radiation of peace, but with my changing attitude, I think even that is coming.
*What may block me from trusting someone with my truth? I am looking for acceptance and love. I often look for that in the wrong places. Can I share these fears with another person? Yes. I never thought I was looking for acceptance, but I realize that I have a strong fear of rejection. I guess this is because I never thought I could earn my father's love unless I was his version of perfect. My mom seemed to love me, but she was pretty critical also. I don't feel loved by the children. They seem to want me only for what I can do for them. If I stop doing for them, will there be any relationship left?
*How can my desire to be perfect block me from believing someone could love me unconditionally, even after hearing my fifth step? I can't love myself unconditionally so being perfect would make it hard for others to love me. Wanting to be perfect means that I am judgmental. Judgmental people have a hard time with relationships. I do believe others are capable of unconditional love. I love my children and pets that way. I love my friends that way. Somehow I don't feel that way towards husband.
*How have I isolated myself? Do I believe that sharing with another person can lead to relief from isolation? I used to tell myself it didn't hurt when I'd see others laughing and having fun in groups. I always had to extend the invitations. When I'd introduce people, it was hard to see them hit it off and not include me. I wondered what was wrong with me. Then I just learned to be alone as it seemed there was too much pain involved in wanting to be part of groups. I read. I studied. I hiked only with family. I told myself I was too busy for friends. I was extremely busy at work, but now I am trying to take some time to connect to others. About four years ago I began stepping out of that.
*Can being honest and admitting a mistake have positive consequences? What are they? Yes! I can learn from them. Sometimes they aren't so much mistakes as opportunities to see the lessons I still need to learn. Many times that lesson has to hit me several times before I pay attention.
*Can I remember when another person admitted a fault or mistake to me and I understood and didn't judge? Yes. There have been many times. I tend to be more forgiving, understanding, and non-judgmental with friends and kids than with myself and husband.
*In doing this Fifth Step, what have I learned about the exact nature of my wrongs? They are much clearer to me; there are not so many wrongs that I cannot move forward and make things better.
*What have I learned about fear? honesty? trust? acceptance? I was afraid of showing my true self to anyone. I learned that being completely honest requires trust and courage. People are more accepting of me than I am of myself.
*How did I feel after sharing with God? Admitting to myself? Sharing with another person? I feel that God already knows me, but it is good to look at myself and really see what I can now. It wasn't so bad to share with another as I thought it would be because my sponsor really listens. God really listens. I feel peaceful but will continue to look inward.
*What, if anything, have I left out? If I have completed step 5, what am I feeling? Is anything different? better? I felt a weight lift. My attitude has shifted toward finding the positives. I feel closer to God.
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