1. Do I realize that life is not black and white or good and bad, but rather somewhere inbetween? Yes. On bad days, I still see all or nothing, but now I am able to practice self talk and if I feel it coming on, I mentally rehearse my gratitude list. I would benefit from reviewing my affirmations list on the computer also. I can also use slogans and the serenity prayer. I find I don't go as deep with the reminders - esp. just for today as I often spend too much time in the future.
2. Have I let go of the people and situations I cannot change? I use the serenity prayer and remind myself to turn them over and have faith that the situation will work itself out without my losing my sanity by obsessing about it and rehearsing what I will say to get it just right.
3. Can I look honestly at myself? I believe so. I see both good and bad. There may be some things that I am not aware of. I can't remember who set up this square, but one quarter is "known only to others". It's "known to self", known to self and others, can't remember the other one . .
4. Do I let other people know the real me? Only if I know them well. I am still rather reserved. I tend to talk a lot when nervous or just in hyper mode, but a lot of it is deflection. I am becoming better at expressing my truth if I feel it's an appropriate place to share. I think I learned from my mom to talk too much - not always the best place. It scares others if you share too much as I've seen with a former friend who tells everyone she's suicidal when she first meets them. It tends to turn others off.
5. Have I developed a tolerant, easy-going attitude toward myself? It's much better than it was. I tend to still worry about my teaching talent and my lack of ability to make much progress getting my weight back to normal. It's still to easy to give in to all food cravings and eat too much. I feel ravenous a lot so I think I need to force myself to eat more often to keep the blood sugar even. That change could make a big difference. However, I have to lay off myself as when I beat myself up, I tend to run even more to food as a relief.
6. Am I tolerant of others? I am more tolerant of friends than I am about husband and drivers. I think I have a hard time with traffic and waiting in lines as some people aggressively take someone else's place in line or push their way in with a truck. This bothers me so it's my rigidity. I am working on it by self talk to change the behavior and reaction and breathing. I also try to keep reading material with me for lines. It helps me stay calm.
7. Do I treat others with respect? 95% of the time I try to be sweet as I know no-one has it easy. However, my husband gets the brunt of my nastiness. If someone really messes something up, it's hard for me to bite my tongue - esp. if I don't know them. It's never ok to do that. I have really worked at this as it's better to just keep calm than to have to make an amend.
8. Do I avoid using others to get what I want? Mostly. I sometimes need someone's help which is hard for me to admit, and I still get annoyed if they don't do their part in a timely manner. I don't think I would call it using them. I do sometimes catch myself complaining indirectly rather than speaking up honestly and concisely.
9. Do I expect others to make special allowances for my behavior? No. I tend to make special allowances for others' bad behavior but feel extremely guilty if I feel mine wasn't good enough and feel bad if someone does something for me, but I'm trying to accept nice things gracefully and thinking "pay it forward" rather than feeling extremely obligated to pay it back.
10. Do I listen carefully to the opinions of others? I'm not always so good at this. I'm trying to practice the good listening I learn at Al-Anon. I do tend to turn off from the ultra conservative. Free speech sometimes seems it shouldn't be so free as I dislike hate groups. I also tended to turn off if someone said something I didn't want to do/disliked and dismiss it with some denial/self justification, but I'm trying to really hear now as I don't want to miss an opportunity for hearing a great truth from someone.
11. Am I careful not to take myself too seriously? EEK. This one is hard, but I am making progress. I have had a hard time laughing at some situations and still don't like that nasty sense of humor some members of my family have. For example, I was all dolled up for my big 40th birthday party when my brother and cousin thought it would be so funny to spray me completely with some kind of sticky party stuff. I was so unhappy. I have never had my own birthday party since then. I just think people need to think more about how someone might feel - some "jokes" just aren't funny. They always tell me I'm too sensitive. It's partly true I'm sure, but I think that they are also insensitive.
12. Do I have a sense of humor? Yes. However, as explained above, there is some bullying behind my family's sense of humor. My son takes sarcasm too far also. It's guised as humor but is meant to hurt. I try to laugh at my mistakes. Sometimes it's hard.
13. Can I make mistakes without getting angry at myself, realizing that I am human? This is retraining for a lifetime of not being given permission to be imperfect. I hear the self talk now and am working on changing it.
14. Am I able to say "no"? It's getting easier. I am doing better at boundaries and sticking to them. I think we all feel relieved. It has eliminated a lot of resentments.
15. Do I take life's disappointments in stride? Little things tend to aggravate me more than big things, but the program is really helping me to deal with any upset with different self talk and to recognize when I'm overreacting and employ calming tools.
16. Do I bounce back from upsetting situations? Faster than I used to. I am doing better at letting go.
17. Do I try to understand why other people act as they do? Yes, I realize it's their own perception causing them to behave in certain ways. I have always had pretty good insight into others' motivations, but now I see even more clearly than someone's anger is from their own negative feelings and not really really to me. I am learning not to personalize everything.
18. Can I derive satisfaction out of doing my best? Yes. I strive little by little to improve in all areas of my life.
19. Do I avoid finding fault with all my accomplishments? I tend to add that little qualifier and then tell myself to stop and just be happy.
20. Can I rejoice in the good fortune of others? Yes. For awhile, I felt envious of others who seemed to have perfect families and happy times. I'm learning to create those or to let go of those needs/expectations that my kids will want to attend graduation, have their grad picture taken, have a wedding, etc. I so looked forward to those milestones myself and just assumed they would. This past graduation I didn't feel sorry for myself. I took joy in their happiness. Sometimes it's hard as I can't really brag about my kids at this time, and I wish I could when friends or strangers talk up their kids' accomplishments. I need to get past that and just feel happy for them or actually sad for them that they didn't have the opportunities these problems have brought me for growth. No problems no motivation to change or learn lessons.
21. Do I try to avoid doubt, once having made a decision? I have always struggled with decisions because all mine seemed to be so wrong. I would almost be paralyzed - forever weighing the negatives and positives. Now I am trying to see that woulda, shoulda, coulda is just a way to make myself insane. I will learn from the mistakes and rejoice in the good ones. There will always be mistakes. I am now recognizing in my being that mistakes are not avoidable for anyone. It's really ok to make them as long as I learn.
22. Do I accept responsibility for my behavior and actions? Yes.
23. Can I express my feelings in constructive and healthy ways? This is getting better, but I would have to say that I didn't. I would gunnysack; the feelings would come out in negative ways. Now I am trying to directly say my truth and then not harp on it. It's like an intervention, though. If someone asks, I may suggest a path again but no constant repetition in different ways. Just calm, gentle words.
24. Do I have a sense of discretion, reacting appropriately to different situations? Yes. Sometimes I worried too much, but I'm learning that if someone cares about me and I act weird in their opinion and they don't like me, it's their right. We can't like everyone. That would mean people pleasing.
25. Can I accept disagreement and criticism good-naturedly, with an open mind, recognizing in it a potential for growth? I'm working on it. I had a hard time with this one - always feeling I had to defend myself rather than recognize that some of it was meant to help me grow. Disagreement will always happen; good to agree to disagree or come to a mutually acceptable solution to a problem. Fair fighting rules we learned at Res 12 need to apply. Little by little, these better ways will become automatic.
26. Am I patient and flexible enough to accept reasonable delays or changes in plans, adjusting myself at times to the convenience of others? I still get irritated by people not showing up within 20 minutes of an agreed upon time. I really dislike it when it's more than an hour late. I see it as disrespectful to the needs of the others. Possibly some of my reaction is a control issue or inflexibility. I can change plans at the last minute much easier than I used to as I've had to do that so many times that I lost the rigidity as it was impossible to maintain. Patience is still a big issue for me.
27. Can I allow others to have their way without always being dominated by them? Yes. I can let someone else make the plans. In fact, I enjoy this now as I can just relax and go along for the ride. I'm much better at not bending over to make things good for my kids. It can be super tough for me, but I have been resisting well. We do things at mutually convenient times now - not just my dropping everything for them. It's hard for my son sometimes as he still thinks I need to be at the other end of that telephone all the time, but I think even he is realizing that I have a right to a life.
28. Am I relaxed and calm in my social interactions with others? Usually - unless lots of things go wrong. Even then I did better this past weekend when everything malfunctioned or didn't go as planned. I said that I needed to laugh as there was no point in crying. When I couldn't get water on that hot day, I started to lose it a bit. However, it was better than in the past.
29. Do I try to avoid constantly being the center of attention? Yes. I sometimes like to be but most of the time, I'd rather not have all eyes on me. I get to be that point most of the day at work.
30. Am I somewhat independent, not always looking for approval and direction from others? Yes. I love to make my own plan. It's nice to get some encouragement or compliments, but I can make it without that. I can give it to myself.
31. Am I willing to admit I don't have all the answers? Oh yeah. It's been a humbling experience as a teacher to have to say that to a roomful of kids. Each time it gets a bit easier, but it can still be scary. At home with family and friends it's way easier.
32. Do I recognize the role I have played in the unpleasant things that have happened to me? As I look back and now that I'm more aware, I do see what I did to contribute to it. I wasn't just a victim needing pity. I could have done things differently.
33. Can I accept help and compliments from others without trying to discover a hidden motive and without feeling I have to "even the score"? This is getting easier. I try to think of it more as paying it forward rather than paying it back. I have never looked for hidden motives - once in awhile, phony people are obvious so I have noticed that, but usually I see good intentions from people. I just felt obligated not to be indebted to others.
34. Am I willing to investigate the concept of a Higher Power, One greater than my intellect, who can help me to discover a deeper sense of maturity in my life? Yes! I am so willing - such a relief to be able to ask for and receive help.
Findings:
realistic goals I can set for myself:
a. develop patience
b. find out why challenging kids hook something in me
c. why do some demanding people hook that need in me to please
d. stay peaceful in most situations
e. practice self care in terms of food control
behavior habits I can improve:
a. annoyance in traffic or lines
b. need to please hiking group members - definitely have let go of this
c. annoyance about helpless group members - don't want to contribute to that - want them to be responsible - how to do this in a positive manner
d. overplanning - give down time to relax
e. read more than watch TV - escape
other ideas:
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment