1. Get up, read literature, eat.
2. 15-30 minutes reorganizing files; then garage; then other spots.
3. 1 hour minimum exercise time.
4. 15 minutes kanji study.
5. 15 minutes French
6. other languages at least once per week
7. errands
8. menu planning every Sunday
9. family meeting/dinner evening scheduled - at least one per week
10. practice new communication styles - warn KS that's what doing
11. Daily check of budget and chores list/where people are going and when
12. Make one to two meetings; 2 program calls, 1 sponsor call.
13 Job search - edit the engines; daily checks.
14. Sign up more tutor places; temp agencies: Kelley and UTemps
15. Daily feelings journal; step work
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Friday, May 27, 2011
Daily Feelings Task
Kiku has officially been released but just needs to stay there until I can leave work. I am nervous and hopeful. Hopeful that we can all finally learn to communicate/behave in a healthy manner and make the positive changes we need to. Nervous because Keisuke is in withdrawal mode again, but I think that if I can talk to him about what to do in that case so that I don't think he's suicidal, it would help. Boundaries about his behavior and his being supportive to change also worry me. I have such a hard time with confrontation. I fear arguments, etc. I think I'm getting a little better, but I still feel that tightness. Nervous because I don't want her to relapse both for keeping her alive and hopefully on the road to self sufficiency and for the selfish reason that I don't want to lose more money. The insurance isn't paying a lot of this, and her dad hasn't stepped up with anywhere near the amounts we have. I have had to sacrifice my dreams for her and Keisuke. Most of the time I'm fine with that because as long as they are moving toward self-sufficiency, I want to support that. They will eventually pay it forward, but sometimes I get that selfish feeling that I could have had my dreams if I had made different choices. However, since I chose to have them, I think I need to be as supportive as possible. I do need to acknowledge that I feel that regret in the attempt to let it go. I also stress a lot about how to keep up with the bills and not lose everything. I realize that I am not really surrending my control when I obsess on how to take care of all of it and still get some of the things I'd like to have in my life. I have to keep in mind the Al-Anon saying that getting what I want doesn't bring happiness; wanting what I have brings happiness. When I think differently, I realize how much I have to be grateful for: Kiku and Keisuke are alive so there's still the chance they will find a life for themselves and a chance that I will find another job that I like. I hate letting go of this one. I was comfortable here. I'm getting tired and not wanting to expend lots of energy so looking for and actually doing a different job is overwhelming. I don't want to, but it's another thing that is out of my control. I can start working little by little on getting new skills so that I can get another job if necessary, but I really pray that I can get a MW job that is steady and brings in just what I lost. Even better, Glen will get a higher paying/less hours job; and the best winning the money to pay off everything and still have Orcas, etc. Ah, dreaming!!! It has it's place, but it drives me crazy so for now, I need to just let it be. I can do some things for myself like getting the word out, networking, looking for other jobs, but I need to not just take anything. God showed me that working in Seattle or Bellevue is not an option for me - particularly during rush hour times. The stress would be too much.
I catch myself more and more when I start the stinking thinking. For example, what was that about last night when I started whining about how I'm stuck doing the dinner and not able to walk the dog as I had wanted to. What did I want to accomplish? It was to get Glen to take care of dinner so I could go for my walk so why didn't I simply say that? Why didn't I insist on my boundary of someone else getting dinner on Thursdays? Those are normally the only days I have to be somewhere by 7 (now that inpatient is over anyway.)
What do I want to accomplish this weekend? Set a plan in place so we're ready - not avoid it. Talk to Keisuke about my concerns. Can he reassure me in some way? Can he refrain from the nastiness? If not, then serious help is necessary. It's important he support the change by getting educated and supported. When he isolates, I become scared. How can I say this in a way that won't be annoying? I guess that's what I need to ask him. God help me find the way to heal myself and support others in their healing. Help me to see what is support and what is enabling. Help Kiku and Keisuke to express their needs. Why does Keisuke seem to need me to go with him still? Can he express that? Can we put a finger on our feelings; then say when we feel we are being mistreated.
5/31: feeling anxious but waiting on calls rather than following the urge to check in; by now I'd have heard if there was a problem with KS not following through, etc.
I catch myself more and more when I start the stinking thinking. For example, what was that about last night when I started whining about how I'm stuck doing the dinner and not able to walk the dog as I had wanted to. What did I want to accomplish? It was to get Glen to take care of dinner so I could go for my walk so why didn't I simply say that? Why didn't I insist on my boundary of someone else getting dinner on Thursdays? Those are normally the only days I have to be somewhere by 7 (now that inpatient is over anyway.)
What do I want to accomplish this weekend? Set a plan in place so we're ready - not avoid it. Talk to Keisuke about my concerns. Can he reassure me in some way? Can he refrain from the nastiness? If not, then serious help is necessary. It's important he support the change by getting educated and supported. When he isolates, I become scared. How can I say this in a way that won't be annoying? I guess that's what I need to ask him. God help me find the way to heal myself and support others in their healing. Help me to see what is support and what is enabling. Help Kiku and Keisuke to express their needs. Why does Keisuke seem to need me to go with him still? Can he express that? Can we put a finger on our feelings; then say when we feel we are being mistreated.
5/31: feeling anxious but waiting on calls rather than following the urge to check in; by now I'd have heard if there was a problem with KS not following through, etc.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Daily Affirmations
1. I can respond by letting go when faced with a trigger such as traffic, a nasty look or sigh from someone, rude people, and Keisuke's nasty comments. I will just state my feelings about it and move on. Traffic - repeat "serentity".
2. I am a good person/mother/friend. I can learn to be a good wife. I can listen.
3. I am capable of learning. I like my intelligence and caring attitude.
4. I can lose weight. I can practice self care/make the choice not to have sugar.
5. I am a good teacher. I am not boring. I can assert my boundaries.
6. I will be assertive about stating my boundaries and feelings.
7. I will learn to fight fair.
8. I am kind. I love animals and helping animals and people.
9. I have a good education. I will find a job. We will not go bankrupt.
10. Things will work out even if it's not in a way that I planned.
11. I have a good support network.
12. I like that my fitness level has improved from 4 years ago.
13. I will practice assertive communication.
14. I will work on saving money/living within our means.
15. I will try to go on other people's trips.
2. I am a good person/mother/friend. I can learn to be a good wife. I can listen.
3. I am capable of learning. I like my intelligence and caring attitude.
4. I can lose weight. I can practice self care/make the choice not to have sugar.
5. I am a good teacher. I am not boring. I can assert my boundaries.
6. I will be assertive about stating my boundaries and feelings.
7. I will learn to fight fair.
8. I am kind. I love animals and helping animals and people.
9. I have a good education. I will find a job. We will not go bankrupt.
10. Things will work out even if it's not in a way that I planned.
11. I have a good support network.
12. I like that my fitness level has improved from 4 years ago.
13. I will practice assertive communication.
14. I will work on saving money/living within our means.
15. I will try to go on other people's trips.
May Musings
Having a hard time these few weeks - just too much to do so my thoughts/stress have been driving me crazy. I am having a hard time following the program. I'm so exhausted so HALT is definitely a huge issue.
I didn't get the Rosetta job, but I'm ok with that. I learned that driving over to Seattle or commuting to Bellevue during rush hour is just not something I'd want to do on a regular basis plus arriving late to the interview put me in a poor state of mind. I just didn't care. I don't want to work super weird hours so I just need to keep looking for something between 4-8:30 so I can keep Fridays off. Ideally, I would get a Mon/Wed. class to teach every quarter. That would be ideal. Less ideal: tutoring - because there is no real long-term commitment from those students. I need stability as I'm not the person who handles changes super easily. I would like a stable job that pays enough to make up the difference for what I'm losing. I guess that I would know a few days in advance if Friday will be crummy so I can try to get a temp office job for those days. Most places aren't taking subs either, and I just don't want to sub. I want to keep my stress down during this early recovery period.
I need the time to focus on my program and get out to the hills as often as I can. My head has been spinning, and I can't concentrate. Just want to catch up on sleep and get some good exercise and back on the diet plan. I've just been catching as catch can and not always as healthy as I normally would be so a lot of weight has come back. I find that upsetting also as it's definitely a relapse. I was doing so well at having a net loss of 10 lbs per year - slow but sustainable. I have to make those choices each day. I can't do sugar unless backpacking as I just am unable to burn it off. It seems to have bad effects when I eat a lot of it - poisonous for my body. Insomnia has become an issue again - mostly because I'm always on the run until 9-10 p.m. I can't wait for these next 3 weeks to pass and actually be on 8 week break! I need it. I deserve it! Today is the day I try to ask for a sponsor. If D. can't, then I need to get B's number. They also hike so it would be a great way to work together.
Keisuke's been nasty to me again. Not only does it hurt, but I worry that he's in a depression again. He hasn't followed through on learning about Kiku's illness nor getting outside support. I feel sad to see Kiku's disappointment when her father doesn't come through. I know that feeling all too well.
I didn't get the Rosetta job, but I'm ok with that. I learned that driving over to Seattle or commuting to Bellevue during rush hour is just not something I'd want to do on a regular basis plus arriving late to the interview put me in a poor state of mind. I just didn't care. I don't want to work super weird hours so I just need to keep looking for something between 4-8:30 so I can keep Fridays off. Ideally, I would get a Mon/Wed. class to teach every quarter. That would be ideal. Less ideal: tutoring - because there is no real long-term commitment from those students. I need stability as I'm not the person who handles changes super easily. I would like a stable job that pays enough to make up the difference for what I'm losing. I guess that I would know a few days in advance if Friday will be crummy so I can try to get a temp office job for those days. Most places aren't taking subs either, and I just don't want to sub. I want to keep my stress down during this early recovery period.
I need the time to focus on my program and get out to the hills as often as I can. My head has been spinning, and I can't concentrate. Just want to catch up on sleep and get some good exercise and back on the diet plan. I've just been catching as catch can and not always as healthy as I normally would be so a lot of weight has come back. I find that upsetting also as it's definitely a relapse. I was doing so well at having a net loss of 10 lbs per year - slow but sustainable. I have to make those choices each day. I can't do sugar unless backpacking as I just am unable to burn it off. It seems to have bad effects when I eat a lot of it - poisonous for my body. Insomnia has become an issue again - mostly because I'm always on the run until 9-10 p.m. I can't wait for these next 3 weeks to pass and actually be on 8 week break! I need it. I deserve it! Today is the day I try to ask for a sponsor. If D. can't, then I need to get B's number. They also hike so it would be a great way to work together.
Keisuke's been nasty to me again. Not only does it hurt, but I worry that he's in a depression again. He hasn't followed through on learning about Kiku's illness nor getting outside support. I feel sad to see Kiku's disappointment when her father doesn't come through. I know that feeling all too well.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Triggers and How to Deal With Them
1. irritation I feel when spend lots of time with mom: try to figure out what that is
2. Kiku and Keisuke sarcastically/jokingly? making fun of me - I feel bad and get anxious and more stupid. Need to keep mouth shut with anxious/set a boundary about that - explain my true feelings.
3. Glen's big sighs and head shaking. That starts to set me off. It's controlling behavior and rather than state the issue he does that crap. It annoys me no end. My healthier reaction: walk away, don't yell at him, let him drive except that bothers me also because he doesn't process quickly enough when it's somewhere new. Mostly, I do let him drive, but I think we need to say that if I know where the place is and he doesn't, I need to be able to drive.
4. Traffic: learning to say serenity and breathe; let go and let God; live and let live
5. Too many places to be/not enough sleep: Need to do healthy bedtime routines starting around 9 and only meditate starting around 9:30. Do the abc to get back to sleep. Keep journals of duties so I don't have to keep thinking about them. Lessen number of places need to be unless the situation is urgent.
2. Kiku and Keisuke sarcastically/jokingly? making fun of me - I feel bad and get anxious and more stupid. Need to keep mouth shut with anxious/set a boundary about that - explain my true feelings.
3. Glen's big sighs and head shaking. That starts to set me off. It's controlling behavior and rather than state the issue he does that crap. It annoys me no end. My healthier reaction: walk away, don't yell at him, let him drive except that bothers me also because he doesn't process quickly enough when it's somewhere new. Mostly, I do let him drive, but I think we need to say that if I know where the place is and he doesn't, I need to be able to drive.
4. Traffic: learning to say serenity and breathe; let go and let God; live and let live
5. Too many places to be/not enough sleep: Need to do healthy bedtime routines starting around 9 and only meditate starting around 9:30. Do the abc to get back to sleep. Keep journals of duties so I don't have to keep thinking about them. Lessen number of places need to be unless the situation is urgent.
Friday, May 13, 2011
Friday the 13th Thoughts
1. Relieved it's Friday and that I have no students this afternoon so I can get a lot of other things accomplished.
2. Looking forward to the meeting with Kiku even though I know there will be pain. Pain leads to healing.
3. Thinking Dale might be willing to sponsor me. Time for me to get courageous and ask her in one of our phone calls.
4. Commit to 3 calls per week to people in the program
5. Recommit to exercise and fresh air rather than only keeping up with TV programs.
I'm just getting so exhausted. This is something that I let happen. I have to make myself stick with sleeping and budget boundaries. When I don't, I'm in the angry, tired, lonely area when it's not good for decisions of any type. I need to catch up on chores and sleep this weekend.
2. Looking forward to the meeting with Kiku even though I know there will be pain. Pain leads to healing.
3. Thinking Dale might be willing to sponsor me. Time for me to get courageous and ask her in one of our phone calls.
4. Commit to 3 calls per week to people in the program
5. Recommit to exercise and fresh air rather than only keeping up with TV programs.
I'm just getting so exhausted. This is something that I let happen. I have to make myself stick with sleeping and budget boundaries. When I don't, I'm in the angry, tired, lonely area when it's not good for decisions of any type. I need to catch up on chores and sleep this weekend.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Keisuke Boundaries
Keisuke, we need to discuss what we can and cannot do for you.
1. I need to know ahead of time what errands you need. You have been doing this well recently.
2. Some errands you can do for yourself. If there is anything you can do without me, you need to do that because that is part of being an adult.
3. You have to keep in mind what we can afford - particularly in light of my losing hours at work and our huge debts. Most of the debt has been incurred for buying things for you and Kiku that we really couldn't afford. We should not be paying out more than our income each month. Budgeting is a necessary, adult skill.
4. You can approach your dad yourself and ask him what he thinks he can afford in terms of monthly help for you while you are in school.
5. I cannot continue to buy lots of items. The debt load is a huge source of stress for me.
6. You have already agreed to sharing your quarterly progress with me.
7. I don't intend to sign a lease for a year as I truly feel that a roommate situation is better in terms of cost and emotional health.
1. I need to know ahead of time what errands you need. You have been doing this well recently.
2. Some errands you can do for yourself. If there is anything you can do without me, you need to do that because that is part of being an adult.
3. You have to keep in mind what we can afford - particularly in light of my losing hours at work and our huge debts. Most of the debt has been incurred for buying things for you and Kiku that we really couldn't afford. We should not be paying out more than our income each month. Budgeting is a necessary, adult skill.
4. You can approach your dad yourself and ask him what he thinks he can afford in terms of monthly help for you while you are in school.
5. I cannot continue to buy lots of items. The debt load is a huge source of stress for me.
6. You have already agreed to sharing your quarterly progress with me.
7. I don't intend to sign a lease for a year as I truly feel that a roommate situation is better in terms of cost and emotional health.
Family Meeting Thoughts
This blog's purpose is to help me put together my thoughts in preparation for a family meeting at the residence with Kiku.
1. Boundaries
These are the boundaries I wish to maintain:
1. I will not try to fix your problems unless you ask me for some help; then we will discuss which part you can do for yourself. I will no longer race to rescue you for something you need at the last minute. You need to plan errands for me ahead of time so that it is mutually convenient, and I am not expected to drop everything. I realize that I allowed this to happen by not being consistent with my boundaries. It led to resentment on my part which came out in the form of whining/complaining. That did no good for anyone.
2. I will be doing my best to follow the "if your neighbor did this, what would you do" philosophy. This means I won't be paying any more of your collection bills or your parking/other car involved tickets. You will have to accept the legal and financial consequences of those actions. I may also choose to prosecute you if you forge checks/steal from me again as it can only mean you are using. The Kiku I know would not do those things.
3. We expect that if you are living at home and working, you will turn over 75% of your paycheck to us for your college fund and towards making restitution to us for the debts we have incurred because of your actions.
4. I will practice active listening and better observation of your body language, but I also ask that you remain more open about your activities and feelings as you have started to be since you started detox. I like not having secrets and honest statements of our feelings/necessary information for your safety such as where you are when you leave home and how I can reach you and knowing that you will actually answer my messages = just as I try to be available for you. There were many times that I honestly thought you were dead, and my anxiety and fear levels were incredibly high and affected everything I did.
5. You are welcome you and want you back in our house IF you are continuing to work your program daily. We know you will be spending time healing at least for 3-6 months, but after that we would like to see you seeking a job/working and/or going to school AND making good progress at school/going to your job. I need to be allowed to see your grades every quarter since I have been financing your education. Additionally, I expect common courtesy such as showing up for appointments and returning messages in a timely manner, helping with chores around the house, not having items disappear or having to lock up my purse.
6. I will not buy clothes and make up items that are beyond our budget. It is not right for our family to go into debt so that you can have things that I can't even afford for myself. I do not want us to be pushed into bankruptcy or have to survive on government assistance in our old age.
7. I will do what I feel I can afford to help you if you return to school and do well there, but I think you might need to work for awhile first/try to secure a loan/find your own major source of financing for school as the money set aside for you has mostly been wasted. You may also need to have a part-time job and attend school part-time to build up funds and/or pay for tuition. If you do well, you might be able to find some assistance with tuition for grad school as I know that used to be your goal. I'm not saying it has to be. You need to find your own goals that work for you.
8. I need you to keep regular hours as we need our sleep for jobs as do you for going to your own job/studying.
9. I need to have your extra set of car keys. You need to agree to surrender your set of keys if you get any more tickets or accidents or I feel that you are using again. Your car insurance is already super high because of your poor driving record. We really shouldn't have to pay additional fees.
10. Be aware that I do need to talk to my own support people about what is happening as I have to process my feelings also. I don't want you to feel that I am betraying you, but keeping secrets isn't good for me or for any of us. I share with close friends, family, and Al-Anon. I will do my best to keep my mouth shut about extra details when we're out in public as I know you and Keisuke find Grandma's and my habit of talking too much rather embarrassing.
11. We can't keep buying things for you to use in the Residence. Let's get a list together and be mindful of the expenses. We need to put caps on all things we buy in order to get ourselves back out of debt and used to the habit of both budgeting and saving rather than instant gratification! We have spent a lot of money and time on this. We don't know much about the things you buy so it takes us a long time to find them. We need to practice some self care also.
My feelings:
Right now the needs of the one outweigh the needs of the many. We are willing to put our lives more or less on hold in order to best support you now that you are working so hard to conquer your addiction. If for some reason, you relapse but get right back on your program, we will still be standing with you. If you go back to that lifestyle, we can't support that. At that time, the needs of the many will take precedence. We can't go into bankruptcy for you, etc.
I love you so much. The most pain I had surrounded the fact that you had shut me out of your life. There was a wall that I didn't know how to get through. I could hardly bear the thought of never having a relationship with you. I used to lie on your bed holding your stuffed cat and cry for hours. That is how I knew I was hitting bottom. I would not have chosen this path for our family, and it may sound strange, but because of working my Al-Anon program, I am grateful that all this happened because you and I are communicating again at a true relationship level + I am now hopeful that our family can heal. Our family was torn apart by all the things that happened, and we were all spinning out of control. Most of them time I now feel some peace - as if our higher power is moving us in the right direction. It won't be easy, but we can make it together.
Before Al-Anon, I spent so much time wishing I could go back to last year and know how to deal effectively with the issue so that we could have stopped this when you first forged checks and I knew there was a serious problem. Almost a whole year of denial, worry, avoidance, feeling powerless went by. I approached it the wrong way so instead of getting you to accept treatment, I turned you away. After that, I just allowed myself to feel powerless until someone finally told me straight up you were a drug addict and that I needed to do an intervention. At that point, I finally realized that it was time to face the facts and admit that I had no control over this problem and ask for help rather than wallowing in self pity and blame. I started getting education and support. I believe that is when we turned the corner into taking back the power from this drug and pushing you in a way that would be effective for you to see that the drug was affecting your life in such a negative way and get you into treatment so that you could begin to have a real life with goals, joys, sorrows, love, and laughter. I began letting go of the what ifs - the what if she'd never met Dustin, what if she'd never been sick and thinking that you'd have graduated by now. We all need to let go of those thoughts as we are now on this path and moving forward one day at a time. You can have a future, and what I would like for that future is for you to be healthy - able to choose positive ways to cope with pain and content with your choices. We want you in our lives!
1. Boundaries
These are the boundaries I wish to maintain:
1. I will not try to fix your problems unless you ask me for some help; then we will discuss which part you can do for yourself. I will no longer race to rescue you for something you need at the last minute. You need to plan errands for me ahead of time so that it is mutually convenient, and I am not expected to drop everything. I realize that I allowed this to happen by not being consistent with my boundaries. It led to resentment on my part which came out in the form of whining/complaining. That did no good for anyone.
2. I will be doing my best to follow the "if your neighbor did this, what would you do" philosophy. This means I won't be paying any more of your collection bills or your parking/other car involved tickets. You will have to accept the legal and financial consequences of those actions. I may also choose to prosecute you if you forge checks/steal from me again as it can only mean you are using. The Kiku I know would not do those things.
3. We expect that if you are living at home and working, you will turn over 75% of your paycheck to us for your college fund and towards making restitution to us for the debts we have incurred because of your actions.
4. I will practice active listening and better observation of your body language, but I also ask that you remain more open about your activities and feelings as you have started to be since you started detox. I like not having secrets and honest statements of our feelings/necessary information for your safety such as where you are when you leave home and how I can reach you and knowing that you will actually answer my messages = just as I try to be available for you. There were many times that I honestly thought you were dead, and my anxiety and fear levels were incredibly high and affected everything I did.
5. You are welcome you and want you back in our house IF you are continuing to work your program daily. We know you will be spending time healing at least for 3-6 months, but after that we would like to see you seeking a job/working and/or going to school AND making good progress at school/going to your job. I need to be allowed to see your grades every quarter since I have been financing your education. Additionally, I expect common courtesy such as showing up for appointments and returning messages in a timely manner, helping with chores around the house, not having items disappear or having to lock up my purse.
6. I will not buy clothes and make up items that are beyond our budget. It is not right for our family to go into debt so that you can have things that I can't even afford for myself. I do not want us to be pushed into bankruptcy or have to survive on government assistance in our old age.
7. I will do what I feel I can afford to help you if you return to school and do well there, but I think you might need to work for awhile first/try to secure a loan/find your own major source of financing for school as the money set aside for you has mostly been wasted. You may also need to have a part-time job and attend school part-time to build up funds and/or pay for tuition. If you do well, you might be able to find some assistance with tuition for grad school as I know that used to be your goal. I'm not saying it has to be. You need to find your own goals that work for you.
8. I need you to keep regular hours as we need our sleep for jobs as do you for going to your own job/studying.
9. I need to have your extra set of car keys. You need to agree to surrender your set of keys if you get any more tickets or accidents or I feel that you are using again. Your car insurance is already super high because of your poor driving record. We really shouldn't have to pay additional fees.
10. Be aware that I do need to talk to my own support people about what is happening as I have to process my feelings also. I don't want you to feel that I am betraying you, but keeping secrets isn't good for me or for any of us. I share with close friends, family, and Al-Anon. I will do my best to keep my mouth shut about extra details when we're out in public as I know you and Keisuke find Grandma's and my habit of talking too much rather embarrassing.
11. We can't keep buying things for you to use in the Residence. Let's get a list together and be mindful of the expenses. We need to put caps on all things we buy in order to get ourselves back out of debt and used to the habit of both budgeting and saving rather than instant gratification! We have spent a lot of money and time on this. We don't know much about the things you buy so it takes us a long time to find them. We need to practice some self care also.
My feelings:
Right now the needs of the one outweigh the needs of the many. We are willing to put our lives more or less on hold in order to best support you now that you are working so hard to conquer your addiction. If for some reason, you relapse but get right back on your program, we will still be standing with you. If you go back to that lifestyle, we can't support that. At that time, the needs of the many will take precedence. We can't go into bankruptcy for you, etc.
I love you so much. The most pain I had surrounded the fact that you had shut me out of your life. There was a wall that I didn't know how to get through. I could hardly bear the thought of never having a relationship with you. I used to lie on your bed holding your stuffed cat and cry for hours. That is how I knew I was hitting bottom. I would not have chosen this path for our family, and it may sound strange, but because of working my Al-Anon program, I am grateful that all this happened because you and I are communicating again at a true relationship level + I am now hopeful that our family can heal. Our family was torn apart by all the things that happened, and we were all spinning out of control. Most of them time I now feel some peace - as if our higher power is moving us in the right direction. It won't be easy, but we can make it together.
Before Al-Anon, I spent so much time wishing I could go back to last year and know how to deal effectively with the issue so that we could have stopped this when you first forged checks and I knew there was a serious problem. Almost a whole year of denial, worry, avoidance, feeling powerless went by. I approached it the wrong way so instead of getting you to accept treatment, I turned you away. After that, I just allowed myself to feel powerless until someone finally told me straight up you were a drug addict and that I needed to do an intervention. At that point, I finally realized that it was time to face the facts and admit that I had no control over this problem and ask for help rather than wallowing in self pity and blame. I started getting education and support. I believe that is when we turned the corner into taking back the power from this drug and pushing you in a way that would be effective for you to see that the drug was affecting your life in such a negative way and get you into treatment so that you could begin to have a real life with goals, joys, sorrows, love, and laughter. I began letting go of the what ifs - the what if she'd never met Dustin, what if she'd never been sick and thinking that you'd have graduated by now. We all need to let go of those thoughts as we are now on this path and moving forward one day at a time. You can have a future, and what I would like for that future is for you to be healthy - able to choose positive ways to cope with pain and content with your choices. We want you in our lives!
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
May 3
Kiku has been clean about 10 days now. I haven't been able to see her since Wed. I find my wheels spinning a bit - mostly staying upbeat but sometimes crashing and getting onto those tapes that I don't need. I haven't slept enough because I am suffering from my old disease of not enough hours in the day to accomplish what I need to do; yet I haven't the energy to deal with the issues head on.
I so wanted to go to Orcas for the 3 day weekend, but now that I know it's both prom and Kiku's birthday and that she has to spend it in rehab, I'm feeling guilty and wishing I could be there to see Keisuke and Jenny on their big night, visit Kiku on her 21st, etc. However, I didn't know these things would happen and one nugget in the meditation book was from someone who asks what would I be doing if this hadn't happened and then do that thing so I guess this plan I won't cancel. I can get photos of the kids, they will have fun without me, Kiku may wish to have her visiting time Sat. focused on reconnecting with Blake.
I am resisting the urge to go to all the links for the UW for her as I think this is a process she needs to be part of plus I barely am finding time to keep up with job search, job, Keisuke errands, classes for Kiku, visiting Kiku. I think my focus needs to be first on the remaining weeks of the job and on the kids getting settled and back on track, then the part-time job, and then the hiking group. I just can't plan anything. It's hard for me, but it's good also because I am more truly doing the one day at a time.
I so wanted to go to Orcas for the 3 day weekend, but now that I know it's both prom and Kiku's birthday and that she has to spend it in rehab, I'm feeling guilty and wishing I could be there to see Keisuke and Jenny on their big night, visit Kiku on her 21st, etc. However, I didn't know these things would happen and one nugget in the meditation book was from someone who asks what would I be doing if this hadn't happened and then do that thing so I guess this plan I won't cancel. I can get photos of the kids, they will have fun without me, Kiku may wish to have her visiting time Sat. focused on reconnecting with Blake.
I am resisting the urge to go to all the links for the UW for her as I think this is a process she needs to be part of plus I barely am finding time to keep up with job search, job, Keisuke errands, classes for Kiku, visiting Kiku. I think my focus needs to be first on the remaining weeks of the job and on the kids getting settled and back on track, then the part-time job, and then the hiking group. I just can't plan anything. It's hard for me, but it's good also because I am more truly doing the one day at a time.
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