Step 6 - were entirely willing to have God remove all these defects of character

1.  Have I completed working the first five steps to the best of my ability?  Yes.  Am I willing to go back and look at them if I feel overwhelmed in working this step?  Yes.

2.  What have I learned from my sponsor or another Al-Anon member on how they worked Step Six?  I will talk to her about this step soon.  I will also call others to see if they have completed the step.

3.  As a result of working Step Five, am I grateful that there is a Step Six to work?  Yes.  I found areas that could be removed for me to be healthier and happier.  I feel much more serene now that I know the areas and can see how they are hurting me.  I am ready to replace these defects with assets.

4.  Do I clearly understand the concept of readiness?  Yes.  It means that I am ready to have God step in to take away these defects.  If I feel scared about losing any of them, I am probably not ready.  However, I feel ready.  I know I can't do this alone.

5.  How do I know if I am ready?  I believe God will lead me.  I feel it is time to let these defects go.  My continued serenity depends on continued working of this program.

6.  If I am not entirely ready, how might I turn these fears over to God?  I will ask him for help daily.  I know this is not on my timetable but on God's.

7.  What fears block me from being entirely ready?  The defects serve some kind of protection purpose.  Dreaming about revenge allowed me not to feel so much pain.  I feel that most of the defects protected me from pain.  I don't like pain, but I have learned that not facing it brings double the pain down the line.

8.  Can I ask God for the willingness to be ready?  Yes.  I will ask him to help me face the pain and let go of the defects.

9.  In what ways to I trust God in working this step?  I know he won't take action unless I am truly ready.  I believe that means I will have enough support, knowledge, and new attitudes/behaviors to make it possible.

10.  Am I willing to let go of all of my defects of character?  Yes.  Why?  I feel they no longer serve a purpose in my new healthy life.

11.  Which ones would I prefer to hold onto?  What advantages do I see in holding onto them?  Perhaps some of the obsession because it does give me the push to organize events and get out and exercise.  Impatience gives me a release valve in traffic.  Not being direct as it has the advantage of not hurting others - diplomacy is good, but running away from being honest is not.

12.  Which defects of character also contained assets?  The ones I just mentioned.

13.  What does "have God remove all my defects of character mean to me?  It means that the impatience, obsession with time, being in my head, anxiety, etc are replaced by healthier ways to deal with life.

14.  How do I trust and feel confident that my God is there?  I see amazing beauty that to me holds a master designer's touch.  I talk to God and feel flooded with such a wonderful sense of peace - the feeling that all is well and will work out much better than I could have ever planned.

15.  Do I understand why this step speaks only of my own relationship with God?  What does this mean to me?  I am a unique individual.  My defects are not the same as anyone else's.  The blend of my personality belongs to no other in the word; therefore, this is only about me and God. 

16.  How am I grateful that I now know God?  I think God has wanted this for a long time and has given me many chances to know Him; yet I walked away.  I feel peace whenever I make contact with God.  Now I feel that He is always with me.  I can thank him for all the good things, and I can reach out in bad times and feel that it will work out.  Before I lived my life in despair and didn't feel life had much to offer me.  I had lost the joy of being alive and thought I was doomed to misery.  I despaired at all the hard knocks.  Now I realize these are my opportunities for growth, my lessons, my way to learn to see the good in all that happens and remember that it's part of a master plan.  I can't know or see the reasons immediately or perhaps ever, but there is a plan for me.  I am where I need to be.  I can always remember that if one door closes, another opens and often with double the opportunity/favor as long as I keep the faith.

17.  Can I make a commitment to share in Al-Anon how I worked this step?  Yes.

18.  How have I encouraged those I sponsor to work this step?  I haven't sponsored yet so will answer this one in a year or two.

19.  Will I consider chairing a meeting or workshop on the power of this step?  Eventually when I feel more confident.

20.  What evidence do I see in my life today of God's willingness to help me improve my behavior?  How can I do my part?  I am able to see clearly what I am doing.  I feel God is there reminding me to use slogans and to keep my attitude and thinking positive.  It is my part to follow those feelings/nudges out of the bad place and remember to trust that he is leading me on my path.

21.  Do I make demands on God, praying for a specific result rather than trusting God to know which defect is most important to remove?  I don't ask for a specific one.  I just ask for help in improving myself.  He knows better than I do which one needs to go first.  I can't possibly determine that.

22.  How can I look at all these characteristics from a fresh point of view today?  I no longer beat myself up and relive mistakes constantly.  I realize they are survival features even if I don't know why they started or what purpose they serve.  I am finding ways to deal with them positively and asked constantly for God's help.

23.  Other than let go and let God, what other slogans or tools help me with this step?  I find myself using "Easy does it"  or How Important is it?  quite often.  It reminds me not to obsess on time or get in too big a hurry and wreck something.

Needs and Wants 11/21/2011

1.  Rick to sign off on the papers so the deal keeps going to the next level.
2.  Bangerts to sign the covenant.  The deal is done at that point.
3.  We get the Sequim house.

Those are the pressing needs/wants right at this moment.  In addition, ongoing needs/desires:

1.  Keisuke changes his attitude to that of "can do" and finishes school.
2.  Kiku learns to be fiscally responsible, stays clean, finishes school, and gets a good life on her terms.
3.  Glen and I learn to work out our differences and come to a kinder, more intimate relationship.
4.  Our financial burdens lessen; we feel less stressed about them:  better pay and job for Glen; my job continues; Kazuya keeps his job; kids finish school and become independent.
5.  We all learn better eating habits/ways to lose weight permanently.
6.  We all continue in personal growth.


These are the main things I give to God.  I have no control over these.  I have done what I can to make them happen.  It is up to God now.  We are deserving of good things.

Fourth Step Summary - share for 5th step

Summary:

Positive Attitudes/Traits:  willingness to learn/change; care about others' feelings; responsible, dependable; good to animals; leadership (hiking); calm in crisis; considerate; learning humility; becoming more flexible as to time and last minute changes; respectful and accepting of others most of the time; improving in terms of facing conflict or situations with courage and honesty; intelligence

Revisited 2/13/13:  kind, loyal, responsive to messages, considerate, hopeful, positive attitude

Negative Attitudes/Traits:  impatience; arrogance at times(think I'm smart +)*; fiercely independent; manipulative at times; inflexible (time, changes to plans by others); somewhat disorganized; lacking motivation for unpleasant chores; boundary issues; will power can be low; disrespectful towards husband; can be judgmental of appearances, behavior, and attitudes - take others' inventories; watching too much TV - escape; conflict avoidance; obsessions often prevent me from living in the present; indecisiveness; self centered - obsessed with time/get impatient about getting to the fun times for me; really like praise/prestige, but I am moving past that need as I learn to put pleasing God ahead of worldly recognition; jealousy - have to guard against comparing my life to others' as then I feel it's unfair/get resentful - have to run my own race

Revisited 2/13/13 Ash Wed - have improved in behavior towards husband, still working on these others

Responsibilities I Recognize as my own:  a.  controlling debt  b.  trying to help myself in terms of job and personal growth  c.  boundaries as to how I am treated  d.  boundaries as to how I treat Glen and stupid drivers e.  self care (not beating myself up over mistakes, eating right, exercising, doing something fun); ok to be "selfish" sometimes; I deserve good things - let go of guilt for having any; be grateful for what I have

Revisited 2/13/13:  watching my eating even better than before - really staying aware of portions and type of food

Responsibilities I need not have taken on:  a.  worry about kids' school and futures and stepping in to rescue them from the consequences of their mistakes   b.  changing plans to suit someone in the group and feeling I couldn't cancel  c.  feeling I am the source of someone's happiness or sadness

2/13/13:  definitely have allowed myself to cancel - sometimes too often or last minute; not changing plans as much, not feeling I have to please others so constantly, being a blessing or of service to others if it does not infringe upon my rights, needs, conscience

Qualities I appreciate in myself:  ability to organize events; attempts to be supportive and helpful to others in a positive way; kindness to and love for animals; intelligence; ability to quickly assess a situation and respond - but sometimes need to take the time to think; ability to learn new ways

2/13/13:  working on spending more time listening, being a person of integrity, being an example, truly acting out of real love and kindness

What I've discovered about my capacity for loving:  I have limitless love, but I tend to put up some walls to protect myself - fear of abandonment?

2/13/13:  Why can't I really feel I am intimate with someone?  I still send that I am holding back.  I don't know how to break down walls between me and the other person.  I don't know what to say.  I guess I still need to root fear out of my life if I want to have special bonds and truly experience closeness with another.

Realistic goals:

1.  maintain a budget; pay down bills slowly
2.  boundaries with kids surrounding money/the way they treat me/detaching from their problems
3.  lose weight - maintain self discipline and find good things to eat
4.  keep up exercise without obsessing
5.  get to one meeting a week; talk to sponsor once a week; make one other call once a week
6.  keep up the job search in case something wonderful comes along
7.  find different activities for classes to liven them up a bit
8.  learn how to get back to sleep
9.  silent time to meditate daily so I can hear my HP over the noise of my mind
10.  readings 30 minutes a day
11.  Cut back TV to 1.5 hours a day max
12.  Find good outlets for my mind - let go of obsessions and depressive thinking

2/13/13:  doing well with morning routine of getting in touch with God; evening I still tend to exercise/watch TV instead of God time/Glen time/chore time - goal is to become more disciplined again

Behavior habits I can improve:

1.  more respectful behavior towards Glen
2.  control my reactions to little irritants
3.  control obsessions so that I live in the present
4.  silent time to meditate
5.  conflict avoidance/avoidance of dealing with an issue
6.  communication style/content
7.  consistency with boundaries
8.  spend more time learning about the will of God/working a program in terms of journaling/exploring

2/13/13:  still tend to be off in la la land too much instead of truly enjoying each moment of every day; definitely have managed to fill up on positive thoughts for my spirit

Daily Affirmations

1.  I can lose the weight.
2.  I will have a good day.
3.  I am where I am supposed to be.
4.  God has a plan for me even if it's not clear to me yet.
5.  I am thankful for each day I am given.
6.  I have a wonderful family, home, pets . . .
7.  I am capable of being honest and direct with others.
8.  I will set and maintain a boundary just for today.
9.  I can deal with traffic and changes without losing it.
10.  I can do my best everyday.
11.  I will be able to sleep tonight.
12.  I will treat Glen with respect today.
13.  I will communicate using I messages.
14.  I am a lovable person.
15.  I will meet my goals:  exercise, languages, chores
16.  Everything is going to turn out the way it is intended.
17.  I can choose to be content today.
18.  I can be as courageous as I make up my mind to be.
19.  I will not procrastinate today.
20.  I will love others and treat them with kindness just for today.
21.  I will let go of my time obsession just for today.
22.  Everything is going to turn out the way it is supposed to - even though I have no control over it.

Expectations and Consequences

I want to be sure what we've said so far is clear.  We haven't had any input from you as to consequences so we have just decided some on our own.  We would have liked your participation in this process.  We are happy to support you to the best of our ability if you are working towards lifelong goals and recovery, but you have to understand that times are tougher than before. You told us than that it would be helpful for you to have structure - seeking a job and doing chores to help with YOUR household will keep you busy and give you life skills.  Hopefully, you will also get a sense of satisfaction from becoming more self supporting instead of completely dependent on others financially.  We are not helping if we stand by and let you be dependent on us.  It's tough for us, but the most loving thing we can do is start letting you experience consequences for not being responsible/contributing to our household more.  I've been happy that you've stepped up with cooking recently and have been more communicative.  I looked at the contracts/rules and expectations at some sober houses and drew up this based on those examples and from feedback from people in my program.  This is not just us being parents but rather fellow adult housemates.

If you want to continue living here, these are our expectations:

**work on your recovery following the suggestions of the treatment center - meetings, sponsor, exercise, healthy eating, structured time, goals

**treat us with respect; use the new communication skills - we all need new behavior and are making an effort in this area - you are often putting up your walls as before treatment


**reasonable schedule - no late weeknights - tell us where you are and when you will return- safety and consideration of others - not because we are parents  -    but because a normal schedule was enforced during your treatment so it must be important for recovery

**doing most household chores until you get a job - this requires about an hour of time per day depending on what you cook - make shopping list for the cooking; do the shopping; cook all days when you don't have sponsor or aftercare and especially days that I have second job or Al-Anon - so far that is Sun, Wed, Thurs - NO reminders to do these chores

**Spend at least half the day on the job search - workshops to get the skills necessary for conducting a job search; looking for job ads, etc.  Show us what you are doing - accountability is important.

**communication - follow what you've been learning; we all need each other's support to get through life

**share plans ahead with us and check our schedules:  we need to get you shoes at Penney's and perhaps some workclothes also - as far as I can tell, you and I both have Mondays free - I won't go to yoga at school since I have my own DVD now

**set family meetings for Monday evenings now unless one of us ends up with a job then

**Eat food here mostly - make a shopping list for stuff you want.  I'm going to have to cut back on the weekly money.  Hoping you'll have a job to pay those expenses and your car insurance plus give me money to put in your college fund

**Do your best to conserve gas, electricity etc.  I lost enough income that we are not able to pay all bills from income.  Gas - only three nights out during the week and not so much back and forth would be a way to start.


Consequences:

1.  gas money only for Tuesday aftercare, Wed. sponsor, and Patricia - if you go to a meeting while you're down there specifically for those appointments, that's ok as long as you're home between 10 and 10:30 weeknights

2.  If you choose not to meet these expectations, the normal consequence at a sober house is to leave.

Usual Chores

get the mail
create a shopping list
feed animals
sweep and vaccuum - weekly at least
dust furniture - weekly at least
weeding - as needed - start in front yard
put away dishes; wash any dirty ones - we can't seem to get enough for the dishwasher now

DAILY - job workshop, job contact

Job Earnings:  $300 to us for car insurance; pay your own gas and entertainment; pay 1/3 of earnings to your college fund; depending on what you make - up to 1/3 of check towards other expenses of the house so basically:  1/3 to us for expenses; 1/3 to savings for college; 1/3 to you

Fourth Step Book: Character Traits

1.  Aware of others or self centered?  a.  Do I try to become less preoccupied with myself by getting interested in things outside myself?  b.  Can I see that being helpful to others is a way out of my dilemma?  c.  Are my responsibilities to myself kept in good balance with my desire to reach out to others?

Response:  I am aware of others, but I can tend to be self centered.  I have developed interests outside of myself which require me to be of service to others.  I get out of my head more and have found support with these groups.  I don't have as much time to analyze when I am busy.  I tend to keep myself busy, but I think sometimes that is so I can avoid depression.  I have had a tendency to take on too many responsibilities so I have tried to back off and look at what is really my task in the groups.  I am so grateful to have friends now.  It was too easy to isolate and say that I didn't need anyone.  I can keep myself quite busy, but I have found that it is nice to do things with others.  I missed that without realizing it.  I had so many disappointments with commitment phobes that I just gave up on people.  I didn't forgive myself if for some reason I wanted to drop out of something.  Now I can give myself that permission.

2/13/13:  I realize how much I wanted to be part of a community.  I am thankful I found the church and Al-Anon, but I have to beware of expectations.  I had high hopes for the hiking group meeting those belonging needs, but most of them aren't that commited/not looking for the same thing I am so I have to enjoy it for what it is - activity.  The church and Al-Anon are more suited to that need to belong.

2.  Helpful to others or self indulgent?  a.  Do I enjoy going out of my way for others, or am I constantly expecting others to go out of their way for me?  b. Have I considered helping out at my Al-Anon group by accepting a responsibility?

I never expect others to go out of their way for me.  I feel guilty asking someone to do something for me.  I'm learning that it is ok to ask for help but not cross boundaries.  The one exception is my husband.  I ask him to shop or get gas because I don't do well with time lost to those chores, waiting in line, etc.  He doesn't mind that kind of thing.  I have tried to help at Al-Anon by chairing sometimes and also set up or put away chores.  I haven't volunteered for other tasks because my family and hiking group keep me so busy that I am rarely around those dates.  It has been a good goal for me to keep to see my sponsor and go Thursday nights.  I need to make time for calls, etc., but I'm working on it little by little.  I really don't need to keep up with lots of TV shows, but it is seductive.  I exercise while watching or just veg.  It is a bit self indulgent.  I used to be much better about doing chores and obligations before I gave myself me time.  I'm getting less and less able to control that.  I have put a strict rule on time with TV.  Sometimes I keep it; sometimes I don't.  It's a goal.

3.  Generous or Selfish?  a.  Do I make an effort to consider the needs of others as well as my own?  b.  Am I generous with my time in service to others, remembering especially my family members?  c.  Do I try to share something of myself, my feelings, and my ideas with others?

I would say I'm both.  I'm generous of my time with the hiking group and overconsidered their needs for a long time.  I also try to take care of my mom at least once a month and call her weekly.  I make time for the kids' needs as long as they are considerate of my schedule also.  I'm working on not dropping everything for them.  Selfish:  yes.  I don't want to spend more money as too much has gone to kids.  I'm doing fairly well with their budget boundaries.  I just don't want to be bankrupt.  Sometimes I think I get too obsessed with it as I have things I would like for myself but can't really do those until the kids are self supporting.  I do share with others.  I'm a little reluctant to open myself to my husband and a bit scared of kids.  The kids part is getting better, but I have a block about my husband.  I just can't seem to respect him.  I need to start making more of an effort to be courteous and behave as if I still love him.

4.  Thoughtful or self pitying?  a.  Have I considered that others may have had as difficult a time in life as I?  b.  Do I steer clear of getting others to feel sorry for me?  c.  Do I see problems as one of the greatest forces for growth in my life, a real gift from my Higher Power?   I would definitely think of myself as a bit self pitying before I came to this program.  I honestly couldn't see how anyone couldn't understand my depression or irritability once they knew all I had to deal with.  I could empathize with others having a difficult time, but most people I encountered didn't seem to be all that bad off.  I was surprised how many others told my story in Al-Anon.  I have been learning to put a positive spin on things and stay away from gossip and complaining but rather telling how I am learning to do better and talking about the philosophy of life I am developing and working hard to relearn good listening.  I used to be better at that.  I fully feel it in my bones now that problems are unavoidable and that my reaction to them is a choice.  I put a twist on them to see what the lesson is and what positive is coming out of this. I have come a long way towards moving away from self pity.  Even though I look at others and often think they had an easier time, there is no way for me to know that for sure.  I'm on the outside looking in.  I have heard some stories in Al-Anon that brought me to the realization that perhaps all people suffer in some way - some have more than others, but we can get through it with the help of God and others.  I love the FOG - I try to look at it all that way now.  I don't need pity from others.  Problems are a gift.  I am learning to respond to them with less frustration and have come to understand that this is part of life.  We cannot escape that.  I can learn my lessons and do better each time.

5.  Open minded, gracious or smug, stubborn?  a.  Can I be open-minded and receptive to people with new ideas?  b.  Can I compromise realistically?  c.  Can I do things the way another person suggests?  I believe I am open minded and receptive to all types of people.  I do realize that I can close down a bit if I come into contact with the super conversative or hateful types of people.  I enjoy new ideas and discussions.  I don't like to listen to anti-gay or ethnic group talk or the anti-choice, pro Bush/Palin types.  That is hard for me.  I will never be able to tolerate hate.  I can compromise most things but sometimes can't stop the thought about someone's intelligence level.  I dislike conflict, but I am not running away from it as much as I used to.  I can do other people's suggestions and am graceful about saying that I appreciate the suggestion.  I may not choose to do that, but usually I try things out because God knows I haven't made the best choices on my own!  I am learning to let go and not hang on tenaciously to some method that isn't working.  Trying to not be insane - doing something over and over again that obviously is going nowhere.  I can definitely be stubborn and smug, but mostly I am saving any contrary behavior for my husband.  I have written in my daily affirmations that I will treat him with respect just for today.

6.  constructively critical or judgmental?  a.  Do I avoid taking another person's inventory?  b.  Have I eliminated the "shoulds" and "oughts" from my vocabulary when talking about others?  c.  Am I convinced that most people are the way they need to be at present, not necessarily the way they would like to be?  I am guilty of being judgmental at times or certainly at least overly critical - mainly of husband, but I engaged in a lot of idle gossip about the behavior of other members of my family or a couple of friends.  I have cut that out and catch myself if I'm getting sucked in again.  I catch the "shoulds" and "oughts" now even if I can't quite stop them from coming out of my mouth!  That statement about people being as they need to be at the moment is a toughie.  I'd like change to happen yesterday!  Patience is not completely a virtue for me.

7.  Respectful or Disrespectful?  a.  Do I respect the feelings and experiences of others?  b.  Have I developed some sense of my right to be treated with dignity?  c.  Can I balance my need to fulfill myself as a person with knowledge of the same need in others?  Yes, I think I am sensitive and caring about others' feelings and experiences.  I am learning to stand up for myself if someone is being rude to me and saying that it is not ok to treat me in such a manner.  I am trying hard to be nice to other drivers (even the assholes) and to everyone with whom I come in contact - no matter how nasty or unreasonable I think their stand is.  I'm trying to think that maybe they're sick or their day has been bad and remain calm and courteous myself.

8.  Patient or Impatient?  a.  Do I have patience with myself while maintaining a healthy form of self discipline?
b.  Can I patiently teach others what I have learned, appreciating their willingness to learn?  c.  Do I realize that in being patient I am allowing my Higher Power to work through time to give me the guidance that I need?
I'm not always so patient, but I am improving.  Self discipline used to be my strong suit; now I find it a little too easy to neglect chores and just veg or do something I want to rather than something I need to do.  I'm trying to push myself to do 30 minutes per day of something unpleasant at home such as filing or cleaning.  I have a hard time getting to the yard work also.  I let my fun time take over as I'm gone so often.  It's now getting to be the season of staying home.  I am trying to be still more often in order to hear that guidance from my HP.

9.  Tolerant or Intolerant?  a.  Can I be accommodating and still maintain my respect?  b.  Do I avoid condescending attitudes towards others?  c.  Do I realize that my feelings of frustration are decreased as I increase my tolerance?  d.  Do I understand the reality is what is happening, not what I "think" or "feel" is happening?  e.  Can I see that facing the truth alone means not having to deal with dozens of imagined troubles?  f.  Do I believe what is real is happening only one day at a time?  Accommodating and retaining respect are sometimes challenging as I tend to bend over too far for others - particularly children.  This maybe a lifelong job of trying to have an appropriate boundary.  I get annoyed by others who act helpless, and I feel the attitude on my part, but I don't think I show disrespect.  I do find it irritating that someone would rather spend time writing an e-mail about a hike when the question was already answered in the blurb on the website and/or it was faster for them to look up info themselves.  I have decided that the best way to deal with these is simply not to respond for at least 24 hours so they take their own responsibility.  Yes, it is better not to assume and to discuss my perspective and see the other perspective before getting upset about it and anxious over some imagined attitude or feeling on the part of another.  Real is only now.  The rest is past to learn from but let go; the future hasn't happened.  I am working on being better at waiting and finding ways to deal with the anxiety about the unknown.  Reading the literature tends to calm me.

10.  Reasonable or Unreasonable?  a.  Do I try to reason things through rather than act on impulse?  b.  do I try to hear a full story before drawing my conclusions?  c.  Can I give others the benefit of the doubt?  I am rather impatient.  I tend to act/think quickly, but I realize I need to spend more time waiting for the complete information.  I usually assume everyone acts out of good motives unless I know otherwise.  This is an area for more work. I truly  need to reach for the phone and run things by others for ideas of what they would do in that situation because I think it helps me sort it out.  I'd rather do that than have to make amends later.

11.  Assertive vs Submissive?  a.  Do I act on my own behalf and set my own goals?  b.  Do I make my own decisions?  c.  Can I resist giving in just to keep peace when my own welfare and integrity are involved?  I set goals and make decisions, but I am often gave in to keep the peace in the past.  I am working on keeping the courage and the faith to stand up for my rights now and maintain those boundaries.  I am a leader in many ways, but I did let people act unreasonably without fighting it.  I have had a difficult time expressing my opinion or being completely myself with certain people as I still have that need to be liked and get approval.

12.  Cooperative vs Domineering:  a.  Do I try to understand another's positions even though I may not agree with it?  b.  Can I work well with others in a group?  c.  Can I accept the leadership of others?  d.  Do I lead by example as well as by words?  Yes - if it's not my husband or someone with whom I have some bad history.  I work wonderfully with most people in a group as I'm willing to follow leadership and take others' suggestions as well as be the leader.  I try to put my money where my mouth is.  I know that sometimes I have become overinvested in a plan I've made and didn't like last minute changes by others, but when I roll with the flow, things have always been ok.

13.  Outgoing vs Withdrawn:  a.  Am I comfortable in my social interactions with others?  b.  Do I realize that others may benefit from my shared experience?  c.  Do I get involved in the affairs of the world, my community, and my family? (bottom p. 39)   I did isolate a lot.  I felt others couldn't really like me, I was too busy, so I only had family and had let friendships lag.  I realized my mom wasn't going to be around forever and about 4 years ago I began building a hiking network.  The greatest side benefit - supportive friends for life.  I hadn't realized how much I missed that until I had friends again.  I don't ever want to give that up.  I feel pretty comfortable as now I realize that I can find something in common with others.  I get somewhat involved in community affairs.  I tend to be an introvert, but with the years, I have become more comfortable socializing.

14.  Forgiving vs. Resentful   a.  Do I see making a list of resentments as a first step toward rooting out these resentments?  b.  Once a conflict is over and I have expressed my anger, can I let go?  c.  Can I be understanding if AA occupies a good deal of the time of the newly-sober alcoholic?  Yes.  Now that I have looked at my resentments and understand that resentments allow me to see where I need to work, I feel less resentful and frustrated.  I usually blew and then it was over, but sometimes if I feel I was unjustly treated, I think about it a lot.  Little by little, I'm letting that go.  If I go read material, my mind gets occupied by recovery.  I understand my daughter has little time for me, but I would like it if she at least tried to have a real relationship.  I am happy if I know the time is going to her program.

15.  Trusting vs. Suspicious:  a.  Can i give others the benefit of the doubt?  b.  Can I take a chance on being disappointed in order to invest in a new relationship>   c.  Do I avoid always searching for a hidden motive in what others do?  I feel I can give others the benefit of the doubt meaning that I don't look for negative motives in all actions.  I also am willing to put myself out there and meet new people.  I often meet new people through the hiking websites.  I have made some great connections/friends who are willing to deal with my defects and assist me with growth.  I am learning not to be so desperate that I ignore any "bells" about someone just so I can have company on the trail. 

16,  Trustworthy or Prone to Gossip:  a.  Do I avoid discussing another's problems under the guise of it being "for their own good"?  b.  Do I avoid tattling on others?  c.  Do I see protecting confidences as an essential part of the Al-Anon program and as a hallmark of a mature person?  I have talked about my kids or husband as it is my way of processing, but I am limiting now who hears what I have to say about them.  I realize they want to safeguard their privacy and don't want the whole word to know it.  I also avoid talking about specifics with Al-Anon other than to say I heard something that resonated with me or in general that the program is super helpful.  Talking about something that happened can be a way to vent, but I have promised my daughter that I would confine it to Al-Anon people and not discuss her elsewhere without her permission.  I have been doing well with this boundary.  I was way too gossipy in the past and way too easy with my mouth.  This bugged my kids - just as it bugged me when my mom used to do that to me - spread my business all around - so I'm working hard on reearning their trust and keeping things private.  My son tested me years ago, and I passed that test.  It was hard as what he said was unbelievable for me, but I didn't say anything.  However, there were other things that I shared too easily.

17.  Content vs Envious:  a.  Do I make a conscious effort to count my blessings?  b.  Can I enjoy the good fortune of others?  c.  Can I avoid blaming others and try to improve my own circumstances?  Yes, whenever I feel those envy/self pity feelings resurfacing, I remind myself to count my blessings and actually start listing them in my head or outloud to myself.  It does help me to feel genuinely happy for others rather than feeling sad that I don't have that in my life.  I no longer blame others for my circumstances.  I had a hand in creating them and some things just are.  I'm learning what I can improve - but mainly it's a matter of consciously being aware and working on changing my reactions and negative attitudes.  Long ago I blamed my father for everything, but it did no good.  It didn't change my life.  

18.   Agreeable vs Disagreeable?  a.  Do I look for the best in each situation and person that I encounter?  b.  Do I avoid arguing simply for the sake of arguing?  c.  Do I avoid the use of sarcasm when others do not share my views?    I tend to look for the best now, but that was not the case before.  I still get hooked into arguing with everything my husband says.  I used to do that to my grandmother.  Something about her caused me to want to go against her; same with him.  ACTUALLY, it is something about me that reacts in that way.  I still don't understand what it is.  I do my best not to be sarcastic.  True humor can lighten the interaction, but

19.  Cheerful vs Depressed a.  Do I avoid blaming others for my unhappiness?  b.  Can I understand why Abraham Lincoln said, "most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be"?  c.  Do I recover quickly from disappointment?   I used to blame others, but now I realize I have a choice in the matter.  In the end, I am responsible for my own attitude.  I still have down days, but that's ok.  Most of the time I feel at peace.  I apply slogans to my feelings but am working on trying to remember that I still need to let myself feel that emotion.  I can't just rationalize it away to comfort myself.  I need to feel it; then I can move forward.

20.  Courteous vs Discourteous:  a.  Do I listen attentively when others are talking or am I just waiting for my turn to speak?  b.  Am I considerate of others in my use of language and the tone and pitch of my voice?  c.  Do I know the difference between asking for help and imposing?  I don't always listen attentively.  I do try to think what I might say.  I also can wander off in my mind if I am not careful.  I try to stay focused.  I am considerate with language and tone and pitch of voice.  I am more likely to have a problem asking for help for fear of imposing than actually being guilty of imposing on someone's time.  I am so jealous of my own free time that I tend to feel others might have those same feelings about their time off.  I have a hard time saying that I need anything from anyone. 

21 (p 41)  Kind vs Unkind:  a.  Do I treat others kindly, considering their feelings?  b.  Do I try to refrain from saying anything if I find it difficult to be kind?  c.  Do I see value in simply lending a listening ear to someone in need?   I do not say anything if I feel it might hurt the person.  I often can't be honest because of this need to be diplomatic.  However, I think this is better than the completely direct person who has no thought of the impact of his/her words at all.  I also think it's better to be quiet if I can't find a kind way to share my truth.  I realize the value of just listening as I so appreciate that characteristic in others.  I used to want to help solve it, but I remember how irritated I get when someone does that to be.  To be truly heard is a gift I can give.  It just takes a shift for me to remember that being there in the moment is the best way to help.

22.  Loving and Caring vs Indifferent  a.  Do I avoid an I don't care attitude about others, realizing that indifference is often crueler than outright rejection?  b.  Do I try to avoid being overbearing and overprotective?  c.  Can I accept the loves which others offer me?   I do my best to avoid that attitude.  One of my big defects is impatience and an obsession about time so I tend to rush through life.  I have been forcing myself to say "easy does it" as a few minutes late or a few minutes out of my day are well spent if I could say something kind that lifts another's spirits.  Indifference is hurtful.  I know that because I treat my husband that way, and I can see that it hurts.  I have a daily affirmation to be kind and respectful to him even when I don't want to be.  I am aware of when I'm being overbearing and overprotective and trying to stop those.  Love is hard for me to accept because I learned from my father that love was to be earned.  Sometimes I don't feel I've earned it; yet I don't want to be that way towards others so I need to love myself and realize that I am lovable and that sometimes I can't return the favors someone has done for me but maybe I CAN pay them forward by loving others and doing things for them that I know brings a smile.

23.  Discreet vs Lacking Discretion  a.  Am I conscientious and tactful in my interactions with others, always considering their feelings?  b.  Do I avoid overtalking a point?  c.  Have I considered listening to myself as a means of developing a sense of discretion?  I can be overly tactful (to the point of being frozen about saying a word) and find many ways to make a point, but I have definitely been an overtalker in the past - to the point that children stop listening.  It is tough for me, but I am implementing a "tell once then let go and let God" philosophy to the best of my ability.

24.  Stable vs Panicky, violent  a.  Do I work to avoid wide swings in my mood?  b.  Are my feelings expressed in appropriate ways?  c.  Am I sensitive to the feelings of others in a healthy way?  d.  Do I use silence to help me regain stability and composure?  Normally, I don't have wide swings.  Once in awhile, when I let myself obsess and insomnia periods mean I feel my life is unmanageable; I'm more likely to experience quick emotional changes then.  I am pretty careful about changing to "I" statements instead of blaming, criticizing, feeling sorry for myself types of ways to get what I want.  I am sensitive to others but not as overly so as I used to be when I took on that person's pain as my own.  I am learning that being silent and walking away to give myself peaceful thinking time is a good way to deal with anxiety.  I quote slogans to myself if I am swinging.  I also practice yoga breathing.  Exercise helps stabilize my mood as does eating well - no sugar, white flour, caffeine, or alcohol.

25.  Consistent vs Inconsistent:  a.  Do I try to say what I mean and mean what I say?  b.  Do I do what I have promised to do?  c.  Can I be counted on to act the same way when faced with the same situation on different occasions?  I am trying to state my truth simply and stick with it.  I know I have been pretty inconsistent in the past about stating and maintaining boundaries.  When I am exhausted, I tend to give up.  I am great about follow through on promises as I feel a strong obligation to keep my commitments to others.  I am reliable - I can be counted on to keep a level head in a crisis and to always be there for the person who needs me.  I also go to work and keep my head in many different situations.  I try to provide organization and predictability.

26.  Sincere vs Insincere:  a.  Do I try to be myself, avoiding putting on a front to impress others?  b.  Do I avoid paying compliments when I don't mean them?  c.  Do I avoid manipulating people by telling them what they want to hear instead of what I really think or feel?  I have never been one to be a phony.  I don't lie well.  Sometimes I have wanted to impress others, but I don't put on a phony front.  I may try a bit harder with strangers, but it's always real.  I avoid false compliments as I know I can spot phoniness so most others can also.  I have told people what they want to hear but it mostly contained my truth - just indirectly if I feared some negative reaction.  I have an intense dislike for phoniness as I can't tell what the person's real feelings are so it's impossible to trust such people on a deep level.

27.  Honest vs dishonest a.  Am I honest with myself about my motives?  b.  Do I avoid rationalizing or justifying my faults?  c.  Can I keep from telling lies, even small ones?  d.  Can I be straightforward with others, letting them know me as I am?  e.  Am I careful never to be hostile or vicious under the guise of honesty?  I am hostile or vicious only with my husband.  I feel bad about that.  He gets the worst of me.  I don't usually lie as I'm not good at it.  When I've tried, everyone saw through it.  As I get older, I really don't seem to care as much what people think so they get the true me.  It's relaxing.  I just accept that I and everyone else have some faults.  It doesn't matter where they came from.  I am honest about my motives.  I sometimes can see that something is selfish even though I think I'm doing it for others.  It serves a purpose for me also, and I admit that.

28.  Willing to admit faults/self-righteous:  a.  Can I admit to myself and others when I am wrong?  b.  Do I avoid following up an apology with an excuse for my behavior?  c.  have I grown past the point where I rationalize and claim my bad behavior is reasonable because of my situation?  a.  Yes.  b.  I am doing better about not making the excuse.  I always felt I had to justify every mistake.  I no longer blame behavior on people or situations.  I can make the choice to behave in a kind manner.

29.  Humber vs Arrogant:  a.  Am I a gracious winner?  b. Am I aware that being humble is having an honest appraisal of myself?  c.  do I know that a humbling experience is never a humiliating one?  d.  Have I learned that humility is a sens of proportion between me and my HP?  a.  Yes, I never rub things in people's faces.  I go out of my way not to do that.  I feel I have a pretty good picture of myself.  I understand that humble and humiliating are quite different things.  Humility means I don't try to force my will on God.  I will do what I can to help myself but in the end, it is up to my HP in terms of my life's plan.

30.  Calm vs Worrisome:  a.  Can I share others' problems without worrying about them?  b.  Do I realize that action is often an antidote to worry?  c.  do I use the Serenity Prayer to find a sense of peace?  a.  It is hard not to let my kids' troubles go by without worry so I use the literature, serenity prayer, meetings, and sponser to help me regain my perspective and tranquility.  I feel better if I pick up the phone and work it through also.

31.  Relaxed vs Tense:  a.  Do I avoid using chemical substances, unless prescribed by a physician, to achieve a state of relaxation?  b.  Is there something tht I really enjoy doing that will help me relax?  c.  Can I realize that a realistic amount of tension in most situations makes me keen and more able to function well?  d.  Can I use the slogan "easy does it" to my advantage?  a.  I have dreadful insomnia and am on Ambien - doctor prescribed.  I rarely use other substances - not even caffeine although sweets when under my nose can be a hard call to resist.  I have used "easy does it" many times when I feel my anxiety or frustration levels rising.  If I have no tension, I don't seem to motivate myself to do much so "eustress" is a good thing for me as long as I don't cross the line into obsession and anxiety.

32.  Confident, having faith vs fearful, apprehensive:  a.  Have I ever listed and analyzed my fears?  b.  do I see the value in talking to someone about my fears?  c.  Can I accept a certain amount of insecurity in my life without fearing that everything will fall apart?  a. Yes.  Most of them are future tripping/unfounded - possible but not likely scenarios.  It helps to talk to someone who can see that.  My husband is much more anxious than I am so he is not good for me.  I'm working on accepting that fact that insecurity and anxiety about the future is normal if I don't begin to obsess.  I can talk myself down by reminding myself that we still can make payments and eat.

33.  Hopeful vs Despondent:  a.  Can I start each day with hopes of making it better than the one before?  b.  Am I willing to do what I can to fulfill my hopes?  c.  do I believe in a HP who can help me find a better, happier way of life?  a.  I can start the day deciding it will be a good one.  That's challenging with migraines and insomnia, but most of the time I am managing to start off the day with a decent can do attitude.  I do my best to help myself to meet my goals, but ultimately it is up to my HP.  If I listen, I now I can be more accepting and serene, but that doesn't mean I will just sit back and do nothing to better my situation.  I have always had hope.

34.  Optimistic vs Pessimistic:  a.  Do I try to expect the best in each situation I encounter?  b.  Do I give myself a chance to have a bright future?  c.  do I try to share the best part of myself in my relationships with others?  a.  That has been difficult for me, but I am learning a new way to think.  I am much more optimistic.  I tell myself I deserve to have good things happen and that setbacks are lessons and that my HP has something better in store for me even though I can't see it.  At worst, it's an FOG!

35.  living for today vs living in the past, worrying about the future  a.  Have I done all I can to rid myself of guilt feelings about the past?  b.  Do I exercise all my senses in a positive way?  c.  Am I willing to apply the "just for today" concepts in my life?  This is one of my biggest defects - the inability to stay in the present.  I don't waste much time on the past, but I tend to get consumed by something that might happen in the future.  I am working to let both go as obsessing does me no good - just contributes to sleep deprivation and unhappiness for things over which I have no control.  I can't go back to change what has happened; nor can I see the future.  I am still stuck somewhere in my mind and have to force myself back to the present so that I notice the good things and beauty around me.  I remind myself about "just for today", but this area needs a lot more work and reminders.  I easily space out.  I need to remember to ask my HP for assistance with this one daily!!

36.  industrious vs lazy  a.  Do I realize that willingness to do something is the first step toward actually doing it?  b.  Can I stick to a task once I've started it?  c.  Do I have an organized way of tackling my duties?  Yes.  I am willing to change, and I mostly stick to tasks once started.  I sometimes have trouble getting started with unpleasant tasks, but I do them.  I make a list of what needs to be done; otherwise, I will forget.  I need to check my calendar daily and put together a daily planner with a plan for eating, etc.  Otherwise, I eat too much and don't finish what I need to finish.

37.  Prompt vs Procrastinating:  a.  Do I try to avoid thoughtless delay in actions or decisions because of laziness or carelessness?  b.  Do I realize that procrastination often leads to justification for missed opportunities?  c.  Am I aware that being late shows disrespect for those waiting for me?  Yes, I have had trouble finding energy these days, but I have kept up on the job search and most tasks at home.  I've let the hiking group go for the most part as I just haven't had the time recently.  Some people are taking up the slack.  I meet deadlines for applications, etc. as I don't want to miss any opportunities.  I jump right on things like looking for property to be sure I don't miss out on something.  I am rarely more than a couple minutes late.  I dislike tardiness.  It was "beaten" into me to be careful about time.  I wouldn't dream of expecting others to wait on me unless something unexpected happened.  I do not make a habit of being really late.  I also would call in that case to be considerate.

38.  Purposeful vs Aimless:  a.  Do I still care enough to make changes in my life?  b.  Do I have a purpose in life?  c.  Can I discipline myself in a healthy and comfortable way so that I can accomplish things?

39.  Responsible vs Irresponsible?  a.  Can I be trusted with responsibility?  b.  Have I learned to say "no" at times?  c. Do I avoid feeling responsible "for" others' lives but see myself as having a responsibility to others?

40.  Using talents and abilities vs.  Disinterested in Self   a.  Do I appreciate my talents and abilities?  b.  Can I discipline myself enough to develop these talents and abilities?  c.  Do I realize that these are gifts and use them in service to my HP and fellow humanity?

41.  Thankful vs ungrateful:  a.  Am I thankful for current blessings?  b.  Have I ever considered making a list of things I am grateful for?  c.  Do I take time to express my thanks to my HP?

42.  Willing to continue to seek emotional and spiritual balance vs smug/complacent:  a.  Do I know that I won't have finished " the job" when I do manage to complete the fourth step?

Fourth Step Blue Book: Maturity Section

1.  Do I realize that life is not black and white or good and bad, but rather somewhere inbetween?  Yes.  On bad days, I still see all or nothing, but now I am able to practice self talk and if I feel it coming on, I mentally rehearse my gratitude list.  I would benefit from reviewing my affirmations list on the computer also.  I can also use slogans and the serenity prayer.  I find I don't go as deep with the reminders - esp. just for today as I often spend too much time in the future.

2.  Have I let go of the people and situations I cannot change?  I use the serenity prayer and remind myself to turn them over and have faith that the situation will work itself out without my losing my sanity by obsessing about it and rehearsing what I will say to get it just right.

3.  Can I look honestly at myself?  I believe so.  I see both good and bad.  There may be some things that I am not aware of.  I can't remember who set up this square, but one quarter is "known only to others".  It's "known to self", known to self and others, can't remember the other one . .

4.  Do I let other people know the real me?  Only if I know them well.  I am still rather reserved.  I tend to talk a lot when nervous or just in hyper mode, but a lot of it is deflection.  I am becoming better at expressing my truth if I feel it's an appropriate place to share.  I think I learned from my mom to talk too much - not always the best place.  It scares others if you share too much as I've seen with a former friend who tells everyone she's suicidal when she first meets them.  It tends to turn others off.

5.  Have I developed a tolerant, easy-going attitude toward myself?  It's much better than it was.  I tend to still worry about my teaching talent and my lack of ability to make much progress getting my weight back to normal.  It's still to easy to give in to all food cravings and eat too much.  I feel ravenous a lot so I think I need to force myself to eat more often to keep the blood sugar even.  That change could make a big difference.  However, I have to lay off myself as when I beat myself up, I tend to run even more to food as a relief.

6.  Am I tolerant of others?  I am more tolerant of friends than I am about husband and drivers.  I think I have a hard time with traffic and waiting in lines as some people aggressively take someone else's place in line or push their way in with a truck.  This bothers me so it's my rigidity.  I am working on it by self talk to change the behavior and reaction and breathing.  I also try to keep reading material with me for lines.  It helps me stay calm.

7.  Do I treat others with respect?  95% of the time I try to be sweet as I know no-one has it easy.  However, my husband gets the brunt of my nastiness.  If someone really messes something up, it's hard for me to bite my tongue - esp. if I don't know them.  It's never ok to do that.  I have really worked at this as it's better to just keep calm than to have to make an amend.

8.  Do I avoid using others to get what I want?  Mostly.  I sometimes need someone's help which is hard for me to admit, and I still get annoyed if they don't do their part in a timely manner.  I don't think I would call it using them.  I do sometimes catch myself complaining indirectly rather than speaking up honestly and concisely.

9.  Do I expect others to make special allowances for my behavior?  No.  I tend to make special allowances for others' bad behavior but feel extremely guilty if I feel mine wasn't good enough and feel bad if someone does something for me, but I'm trying to accept nice things gracefully and thinking "pay it forward" rather than feeling extremely obligated to pay it back.

10.  Do I listen carefully to the opinions of others?  I'm not always so good at this.  I'm trying to practice the good listening I learn at Al-Anon.  I do tend to turn off from the ultra conservative.  Free speech sometimes seems it shouldn't be so free as I dislike hate groups.  I also tended to turn off if someone said something I didn't want to do/disliked and dismiss it with some denial/self justification, but I'm trying to really hear now as I don't want to miss an opportunity for hearing a great truth from someone.

11.  Am I careful not to take myself too seriously?  EEK.  This one is hard, but I am making progress.  I have had a hard time laughing at some situations and still don't like that nasty sense of humor some members of my family have.  For example, I was all dolled up for my big 40th birthday party when my brother and cousin thought it would be so funny to spray me completely with some kind of sticky party stuff.  I was so unhappy.  I have never had my own birthday party since then.  I just think people need to think more about how someone might feel - some "jokes" just aren't funny.  They always tell me I'm too sensitive.  It's partly true I'm sure, but I think that they are also insensitive.

12.  Do I have a sense of humor?  Yes.  However, as explained above, there is some bullying behind my family's sense of humor.  My son takes sarcasm too far also.  It's guised as humor but is meant to hurt.  I try to laugh at my mistakes.  Sometimes it's hard.

13.  Can I make mistakes without getting angry at myself, realizing that I am human?  This is retraining for a lifetime of not being given permission to be imperfect.  I hear the self talk now and am working on changing it.

14.  Am I able to say "no"?  It's getting easier.  I am doing better at boundaries and sticking to them.  I think we all feel relieved.  It has eliminated a lot of resentments.

15.  Do I take life's disappointments in stride?   Little things tend to aggravate me more than big things, but the program is really helping me to deal with any upset with different self talk and to recognize when I'm overreacting and employ calming tools.

16.  Do I bounce back from upsetting situations?  Faster than I used to.  I am doing better at letting go.

17.  Do I try to understand why other people act as they do?  Yes, I realize it's their own perception causing them to behave in certain ways.  I have always had pretty good insight into others' motivations, but now I see even more clearly than someone's anger is from their own negative feelings and not really really to me.  I am learning not to personalize everything.

18.  Can I derive satisfaction out of doing my best?   Yes.  I strive little by little to improve in all areas of my life.

19.  Do I avoid finding fault with all my accomplishments?  I tend to add that little qualifier and then tell myself to stop and just be happy.

20.  Can I rejoice in the good fortune of others?  Yes.  For awhile, I felt envious of others who seemed to have perfect families and happy times.  I'm learning to create those or to let go of those needs/expectations that my kids will want to attend graduation, have their grad picture taken, have a wedding, etc.  I so looked forward to those milestones myself and just assumed they would.  This past graduation I didn't feel sorry for myself.  I took joy in their happiness.  Sometimes it's hard as I can't really brag about my kids at this time, and I wish I could when friends or strangers talk up their kids' accomplishments.  I need to get past that and just feel happy for them or actually sad for them that they didn't have the opportunities these problems have brought me for growth.  No problems no motivation to change or learn lessons.

21.  Do I try to avoid doubt, once having made a decision?  I have always struggled with decisions because all mine seemed to be so wrong.  I would almost be paralyzed - forever weighing the negatives and positives.  Now I am trying to see that woulda, shoulda, coulda is just a way to make myself insane.  I will learn from the mistakes and rejoice in the good ones.  There will always be mistakes.  I am now recognizing in my being that mistakes are not avoidable for anyone.  It's really ok to make them as long as I learn.

22.  Do I accept responsibility for my behavior and actions?  Yes.

23.  Can I express my feelings in constructive and healthy ways?  This is getting better, but I would have to say that I didn't.  I would gunnysack; the feelings would come out in negative ways.  Now I am trying to directly say my truth and then not harp on it.  It's like an intervention, though.  If someone asks, I may suggest a path again but no constant repetition in different ways.  Just calm, gentle words.

24.  Do I have a sense of discretion, reacting appropriately to different situations?  Yes.  Sometimes I worried too much, but I'm learning that if someone cares about me and I act weird in their opinion and they don't like me, it's their right.  We can't like everyone.  That would mean people pleasing.

25.  Can I accept disagreement and criticism good-naturedly, with an open mind, recognizing in it a potential for growth?  I'm working on it.  I had a hard time with this one - always feeling I had to defend myself rather than recognize that some of it was meant to help me grow.  Disagreement will always happen; good to agree to disagree or come to a mutually acceptable solution to a problem.  Fair fighting rules we learned at Res 12 need to apply.  Little by little, these better ways will become automatic.

26.  Am I patient and flexible enough to accept reasonable delays or changes in plans, adjusting myself at times to the convenience of others?  I still get irritated by people not showing up within 20 minutes of an agreed upon time.  I really dislike it when it's more than an hour late.  I see it as disrespectful to the needs of the others.  Possibly some of my reaction is a control issue or inflexibility.  I can change plans at the last minute much easier than I used to as I've had to do that so many times that I lost the rigidity as it was impossible to maintain.  Patience is still a big issue for me. 

27.  Can I allow others to have their way without always being dominated by them?  Yes.  I can let someone else make the plans.  In fact, I enjoy this now as I can just relax and go along for the ride.  I'm much better at not bending over to make things good for my kids.  It can be super tough for me, but I have been resisting well.  We do things at mutually convenient times now - not just my dropping everything for them.  It's hard for my son sometimes as he still thinks I need to be at the other end of that telephone all the time, but I think even he is realizing that I have a right to a life.

28.  Am I relaxed and calm in my social interactions with others?  Usually - unless lots of things go wrong.  Even then I did better this past weekend when everything malfunctioned or didn't go as planned.  I said that I needed to laugh as there was no point in crying.  When I couldn't get water on that hot day, I started to lose it a bit.  However, it was better than in the past. 

29.  Do I try to avoid constantly being the center of attention?  Yes.  I sometimes like to be but most of the time, I'd rather not have all eyes on me.  I get to be that point most of the day at work.

30.  Am I somewhat independent, not always looking for approval and direction from others?  Yes.  I love to make my own plan.  It's nice to get some encouragement or compliments, but I can make it without that.  I can give it to myself.

31.  Am I willing to admit I don't have all the answers?  Oh yeah.  It's been a humbling experience as a teacher to have to say that to a roomful of kids.  Each time it gets a bit easier, but it can still be scary.  At home with family and friends it's way easier.

32.  Do I recognize the role I have played in the unpleasant things that have happened to me?  As I look back and now that I'm more aware, I do see what I did to contribute to it.  I wasn't just a victim needing pity.  I could have done things differently.

33.  Can I accept help and compliments from others without trying to discover a hidden motive and without feeling I have to "even the score"?  This is getting easier.  I try to think of it more as paying it forward rather than paying it back.  I have never looked for hidden motives - once in awhile, phony people are obvious so I have noticed that, but usually I see good intentions from people.  I just felt obligated not to be indebted to others.

34.  Am I willing to investigate the concept of a Higher Power, One greater than my intellect, who can help me to discover a deeper sense of maturity in my life?  Yes!  I am so willing - such a relief to be able to ask for and receive help.

Findings:

realistic goals I can set for myself:

a.  develop patience
b.  find out why challenging kids hook something in me
c.  why do some demanding people hook that need in me to please
d.  stay peaceful in most situations
e.  practice self care in terms of food control

behavior habits I can improve:

a.  annoyance in traffic or lines
b.  need to please hiking group members - definitely have let go of this
c.  annoyance about helpless group members - don't want to contribute to that - want them to be responsible - how to do this in a positive manner
d.  overplanning - give down time to relax
e.  read more than watch TV - escape

other ideas:

Fourth Step Blue Book: Love section

1.  Do I realize that a healthy form of self love is needed in my relationships with others?  Yes.  If I haven't learned to accept and love myself, I can't take care of myself in relationships.  I might let myself be walked over or be judgmental.

2.  Have I accepted alcoholism as an illness and the alcoholic as a sick person?  Yes.

3.  Have I freed my loved ones to live their own lives?  I'm doing better at this.  I used to step in and help solve the problem thinking that was the way to be supportive.  I've stepped back.  Sometimes this change is hard for my son as he doesn't understand the program.  I believe I need to be more upfront about some of what I'm doing as if I explain it more, he might comprehend that it's not just selfishness or laziness as he seems to think now.

4.  Have I learned that whenever I say, "I could love you IF . . ." I am not expressing love.  Any kind of conditions is not love.

5.  (p. 27)  Do I know I must love with an open hand and that anything or anyone I lose by releasing my grasp was never mine to start with?  Yes.  I had a poster once that says if you love something, set it free.  If it comes back to you, it's yours.  If not, it never was.  I have been letting go and working on developing the faith that perhaps my children will one day choose to be around me.

6.  Do I show my family members that I love them?  Yes.  My way was through food and doing things for them.  I was better at listening in the younger years but became less focused in recent years.  I am trying to be conscious and in the present enough to stop and give them my full attention.  I realize this is a character defect - trying to multitask meant that I didn't give them the undivided attention they deserved.  This would be a good way to show my love.

7.  Am I consistent in my loving attitude toward my family?  Mostly.  I have times where I'm kind of a bitch.  I'm working on that.  If I follow the program and remember the slogans, I will be more likely to have not built up the resentments leading to my bitchy behavior.

8.  Is sex a natural expression of love between my loved one and myself?  I guess I'm having trouble with this one.  I'm not sure if it's hormonal or it's just so much unresolved anger, resentment, disappointment in my partner.  I realize it's a fault of my expectations not being in line with reality.  He drops the ball a lot, lies, has some addict behavior, sits in front of the TV.  Mainly it's been hard to forgive that he lied to me in the courting phase as he so desperately thought he needed to be married to me.  In the end, he got someone resentful that he wasn't as compatible as I had hoped.  I was so straightforward about what I was looking for . . .

9.  Have I faced the truth about my sexual relationship with my loved one?  The truth is that I'm not interested in him that way.  I rarely feel attraction to anyone these days.  It's something I need to discuss further with a professional to see what's at the bottom of it.  I don't mind having sex now and then, but I do not seek it out.  I'd rather just take care of my needs on my own. 

10.  Am I open and honest in my relationships?  I'm working on this one also.  I've been afraid to be completely open and honest as I don't want to hurt the other person and I also fear rejection.  I am trying to speak my piece once so that at least I don't regret/beat myself up about not voicing it.

11. Do I have the courage to seek professional help about sexual problems I can't handle?  Yes.  I will need to do this when I can figure out a good schedule.  I personally don't care that I don't want to have sex, but my husband throws it in my face as he's still interested in it.

12.  Can I detach from other people's problems and idiosyncracies and still love them as people?  Mostly.  I sometimes feel myself being sucked in, but I have done better at walking away from the problem rather than absorbing it as my own.  I love the differences in most people unless it is unhealthy for me.  I have the hardest time accepting my own as I sometimes wonder who'd want to hang out with me.

13.  Do I know the difference between detachment and indifference?  Indifference means I just don't care and gave up.  Detachment means I love and am interested in their well being but not to the point of living it for them.  I can encourage but not control.

14.  Can I give love without seeking its return?  Yes.  Sometimes I feel a bit resentful that I do so much and get nothing back, but I've been better about remembering that many times it gets paid forward.

15.  Do I have genuine concern for my fellow man?  Yes.  However, I get impatient with things I consider to be stupid like cutting people off in traffic.  Sometimes I think I just hate people - not the ones I know but crowds of strangers.  I get anxious with too much input.  I also can't understand people who like Sarah Palin, supported George Bush, are more into money than the environment . . .

16.  Do I make an effort to remember and take an interest in special days, events, and things in the lives of those who are important to me?  Yes.

17.  How often do it TELL others that I love them?  not often enough - rarely tell my husband - don't feel I really am in love with him; tell my kids at least once a month; don't think I tell my mom or other family members ever.

18.  Am I natural in my relationships with others, avoiding the tendency to be on guard to say and do just the right thing?  It depends on how well I know them or how comfortable I feel.  I can be myself with some people, but I watch myself with others.  I'm becoming less inhibited with time.  In some situations, I think you have to be careful - such as at work.

19.  Can I share those whom I love, avoiding competition for another's affection?  Yes.  Once in awhile, I feel a jealous twinge that some people I introduced seem to hang out together more than with me, but I turn it around and look at it as being great they made a connection.  I think it's harder for me to make those deep connections so I feel a bit envious of others who can.  I have enough friends that I don't need that exclusivity.

20.  Do I let my Higher Power work in my relationships?  I haven't done much with a higher power until this past year.  I am doing my best to let go.  Serenity means my relationships will work better.  I already feel there is less negative energy coming from me - less feeling sorry for myself, less anger, less gossip.

21.  Do I see gratitude as an expression of love?  Yes.  I am grateful to those in my life for being there.  I don't always thank them on a regular basis, but it is part of love.

22.  Do I try to show newcomers to Al-Anon a real sense of warmth and care?  I try to talk to those with whom I feel a connection such as Nancy.  I keep meaning to call her to find out why she hasn't been back.  I also put on a smile and welcoming face.  I need to call come newcomers.

23.  Do I realize that carrying the Al-Anon message is really sharing love?  Yes.  It is a program of peace and serenity.  Passing on this gift is loving others.  It's the greatest gift a person can have.

Findings:  What I've discovered about my capacity for loving:

Step 4 blue book Self-Worth section

1.  Do I treat myself well physically, mentally, and spiritually?  I try to exercise a lot and eat decent food which is good for my body.  I'm oh so slowly managing to get my weight back down so that my knees and feet will feel better.  Mentally I believe I've stopped the constant bashing I used to do to myself.  Spiritually:  I'm trying to force myself into the now for several minutes at a time rather than spacing out to past or future.  I'm reading nourishing books.  I'm doing affirmations and trying to follow four agreements and quote slogans to myself as well as talking with God several times daily to share my gratitude for what I have and remind myself that I am working toward serenity in all my affairs and to dulling my self will.

2.  Can I accept my physical appearance?  Mostly, I don't do anything to mask the signs of aging, but I am not happy about being so overweight still in spite of all I do.  Somehow I'm still using too much food and continually working on eating to live rather than living to eat.  My thyroid's been tested, but I still think it's an issue.  Everyone who knows me thinks I should still be skinny as I'm incredibly active and eat right.  It doesn't make sense for me to still be so far over the normal range for my height.  I don't want to accept that I can't change it because I think I will find the way.

3.  Do I take pride in my appearance?  I try to put together reasonable outfits, fix my hair, put on some make up for going out so yes, I feel better when I do that.  I also feel better with every 10 pounds that comes off as I can wear more flattering/fashionable clothing when I'm thinner.

4.  Do I eat the right foods?  Yes, I do my best to avoid any fast food and as much processed food as possible.  I choose lots of veggies, fruit, and whole grains and try to limit sugar and fat.

5.  Do I get enough rest?  I attempt to but have had insomnia for years.  Now I'm on Ambien.  It helps a bit.  I keep on a regular routine and try to avoid naps so that I can train my body to sleep long periods at night.

6.  When was the last time I went to the doctor for my own checkout?  I go on a regular schedule for lab and other work.  I still need to go for my knee - avoiding that one as long as it's summer.

7.  p. 22   When was the last time I went to the dentist?  I guess this one I let slide for all of us.  It's been two years since my last cleaning.  I have great teeth - cavities are rare, but I do like to get the cleanings every year so I need to schedule that for my next school break.

8.  Do I have the courage not to let others abuse my body?  Only my father and first husband ever hit me.  I stood up to them afterwards after I got over the shock.  There was a bit fear factor, but they weren't the real abuser types.  They lost their tempers every few years.   They didn't do it again.

9.  Do I know what I can do to protect myself and others from violence?  Yes, but this is a non issue now.

10.  Do I like myself?  I like being alone so I guess that means I like my company.  Mostly, I would say yes.  My defects seem quite glaring to me at times, but that would be my only hesitation.

11. Do I know that I am likeable?  I'm not always sure this is true.  I think not everyone can like everyone.  Some people just hit some nerve even though those people are probably quite nice.  I don't like helpless people in my group - ones who want to just take.  I wonder how I come across to others as I don't think I'm equipped with that high social intelligence.  I'm an introvert by nature.  It takes awhile for me to relax.  I see really dippy people who seem to have lots of friends.  I wonder why they are so successful.  I think I'm deeper and more reliable than those people; yet they have the social groups.  Why?

12.  Do I believe I can be lovable?  I am not to the point where I can feel that 100% of the time, but I realize I'm not as bad as all that.  It always surprises me when people who come across to me like big divas get lots of attention.  I guess jealousy is not a good place to be, but I think I have done so much more than these people, and I know that they are big whiners and attention getters so I wonder why I am so often ignored.  What do people see that I don't see?  I feel petty when I wonder these things.  I have been completely snubbed by some people, though.  It's like I don't exist, and they practically knock me over to get to the person of interest.  I'm learning to follow those four agreements not to take anything personally.

13.  If I have been rejected by others, do I still feel lovable?  There were a lot of hurts over the years when I wondered how the loyal, caring one could be rejected for an unstable type, but I grew to like being alone and learned to do things on my own.  I still prefer solitude to big, noisy crowds.  If I let my hair down or pitch one of my rare fits, I question whether anyone will choose to hang out with me again, but I realize slowly that people really don't think I'm crazy or too needy.  Even though I don't get invited as much as I invite, I do still feel that people want my company.  I also believe that I probably should have gone to some of the events I didn't feel like attending because now those people don't ask me anymore.  It's like me with people I invite a lot with no response.  I give up after awhile and figure it's their turn to get in touch with me.

14.  Do I accept that possibility that I may indeed be a warm, loving human being?  I have long term friendships and marital relationships so I guess I must do something right.  In spite of my faults, I really do care about the people in my life.

15.  Do I know I could be capable of a loving, deep relationship?  It's hard for me to get to this stage, but I think I can approach this better with friends than with my spouse.  I have not married compatible people as I married those who lied to me to make me believe they were compatible.  I would love to find that compatible spouse, but for now my friendships are a good support and substitute for me.

16.  Do I associate with emotionally healthy people?  Not always, but I'm learning to listen to that voice that says I don't need to accept crap to keep a "friend".  I have cut ties with the most unhealthy person in my life.

17.  Do I understand that while irrational behavior may be typical of the disease of alcoholish, it is not always acceptable.  Yes.  That is why if I do allow myself the release of some kind of fit I understand that most people wouldn't understand so it's better to use slogans, breath, and journal about things as they happen and then speak directly to any feeling of unjust criticism rather than letting it fester until it blows.  That is when I usually have a hissy fit so I need to speak up right away.

18.  Have I considered the further help of a professional?  I have gone off and on.  I would like to do couples counseling also so we/I need to start trying some people out again to see if we can find someone we like that is on our plan.

19.  Do I enjoy my own company?  Yes!!!!!   Only once in awhile do I feel depressed on my own.  I love the chance to think, read, work my program.

20.  have I considered buying myself a present?  I do this a lot - new books and new backpacking stuff.

21.  Am I as good to myself as I would be to someone I care for?  I was pretty nasty with my self talk, but I have improved a lot over these past few months.  I have been buying some things for myself, working the program in some way every single day, going on the activities I love so yes, I would say I'm being good to myself.  I still fall off the diet and put crappy food in, but even that is better.

22.  Have I developed some degree of self-respect, striving to develop a reasonable standard for myself rather than trying to measure up to someone else?  Yes.  I realize I can't be perfect and am using humor in the classroom if I can't get as organized as I'd like to be.  I can't be someone outgoing, but now and then I can actually be humorous and entertaining.  That person gets squelched by depression bouts.

23.  Do I appreciate my abilities?  Yes.  I have a talent for languages that most people don't share.  I'm getting stronger all the time and more sure of myself when taking on new hikes.

24.  Can I accept my limitations?  Yes, I'm learning to work with my brain and memory not being what it was and letting go of that need to be completely consistent and organized.  It doesn't seem to be part of who I am.

25.  Can I see my shortcomings as something short of an ideal?  Yes.

26.  Can I derive satisfaction out of working to improve myself?  Yes.  All I can do is work on growth and improvement.  I will never be a finished product.

27.  Do I take time to consider my own spiritual needs?  Yes,  I'd like to do more in terms of quiet reflection time a.m. and p.m., but I do engage in dialog and gratefulness to God.  I feel I am aware of issues and trying to stay in the now.  I can connect to the now and the feeling of peace more often.

28.  Can I sit quietly in the middle of an outburst and remember that the accusations made against me may not be the facts?  I am definitely improving in this one and not taking the blame or allowing guilt to rule me.

29.  Do I know I have the right to be wrong?  Yes.  I'm getting better at saying the relationship is more important than winning the argument.  I've been pretty good at admitting that I don't know or made a mistake.  It can be pretty embarrassing with students, but it's a good example to them.



Findings:

Qualities I appreciate in myself:  kindness to animals, loyalty and dependability, responsive to others' requests and feedback, leader in organizing activities, memory, quick thinker, quick visual processer



 

Blue Book Fourth Step Process: Responsibility section

1.  Do I accept responsibility (ability to respond to needs of self and others) to do something about my problems as they arise?  I believe I'm doing better about facing issues head on rather than practicing avoidance or overanalyzing and fretting.

2.  Do I set my goals realistically?  I believe they're reasonable.  I have a list of short term and a list of long term goals.  I think about what I can accomplish in a period of time based on what I have historically been able to do.  I tend to set goals such as keeping my dog clean and not stick to it for very long.

3.  Do I consider my welfare when making decisions?  Yes.

4.  Am I true to my ideas, refusing to compromise myself just to keep the peace?  NO.  This is an area I am working on.  I have often gone against my goals or boundaries because I was worn out from work and then coming home to fight.


5.  Can I relax when I am by myself?  It depends on where I am.  If I'm in a peaceful setting without lots coming at me, I tend to relax completely.  At home it's more difficult because there is always a list of tasks.

6.  Have I kept an open mind, willing to learn no matter how long I have been in the program?  I have always been open to learning.  I have never felt that I was done learning.  I just hadn't been working so much on introspection and personal, spiritual growth.  I had worked more on getting physically stronger and thinner again as well as improving languages. 

7.  Can I be counted on by others?  Yes.  If I say I will do something, I commit to it.  Only a true emergency would prevent me from doing what I promised.

8.   (top of p. 16)  Have I made an effort to attend several open AA meetings to hear the stories of other alcoholics?  No, but I have read the stories in the NA book as well as attended family meetings at the treatment center which included the addicts/alcoholics.

9.  Do I allow the alcoholic to face the consequences of his/her own actions?  Before I knew better I did not.  I rescued and protected.  I am doing better about allowing consequences.  However, I still think I have made life too comfortable for my daughter in her early recovery.

10.  Do I try to provide a healthy form of supportive help for my loved ones?  Now I am doing better at waiting for them to ask for help or advise.

11.  Do I share the sober alcoholic's gratitude for the fellowship of AA?  Yes.  I am happy for her to working a program.  I feel better if she is interacting with recovering addicts.

12.  Do I respect the anonymity of all AA, Al-Anon, and Alateen members?  Yes.  I don't ever talk about names or specifics from meetings.

13.  Do I make an effort to be at meetings even when I don't feel like going?  I have made a commitment to the Thursday night group and have been mostly faithful about keeping that unless I had something else like a prior commitment to a family vacation.  I am also trying to go to one other meeting per week.  I prefer not to go weekly to the ones which require 30+ minutes of driving time unless I find one that I really enjoy.

14.  Can I see the value in actively participating in meetings?  Absolutely.  I like to go to meetings and know someone else will show up.  There was one time I agreed to chair, but no-one else showed up.  It happened that it was a 40 minute drive roundtrip so it seemed rather a waste of time.  I haven't been back to that one as there are so few people there that I can't guarantee there will be people.  I like small meetings for sharing time, but I also want to know people are attending.  If we all attend regularly and participate, we all benefit.

15.  Do I give my time, ideas, and financial support to my home group?  Yes.  I give as much as I can right now.

16.  Do I contribute to my local information or answering service or World Service whenever possible?  No.  I haven't done this type of service yet.

17.  Have I volunteered for service that will take me outside of my home group?  I volunteered to chair another group.  I think that is about all I can do right now because I am so committed to my hiking group and kids.  As some responsibilities ease, I plan to do more activities such as attending speakers' meetings and potlucks.

18.  Do I see service on an individual, group, and assembly level as a way of helping myself grow?  I know that service takes me out of my own head.  I feel that I am service oriented in my job and hobby so it's hard for me to add more service at this point.  Working in the group does help me see better ways for working in other groups like my family or hiking group.

19.  Am I trying to become more familiar with Al-Anon's 12 traditions?  Yes.  I've been doing the reading and trying to apply some of them to my work in other groups.

20.  Have I allowed myself to sponsor a newcomer?  I have tried to make newcomers feel welcome, but I don't feel that I am ready to sponsor someone unless I have worked the program for at least a year and hopefully done all the steps at least once.

21.  Have I examined the possibilities of becoming an Alateen sponsor?  No.  I probably would not do this one as I spend all day with teens as it is.  I don't want that level of service commitment now and probably not in the future.  I prefer adult time during my time off.  I have newly adults at home who still need guidance as well.

22.  Do I carry the Al-anon message through attraction remembering that I may be the only example of an Al-anon member that someone else may ever see?  I try to be a good example and have talked in glowing terms of my experiences and shared literature with those who cared to hear more about it.

23.  Can I discuss with my loved one pertinent issues such as sex and finances frankly and maturely?  I'm getting better at it.

24.  Can I accept love from another person as well as give it?  It's a little hard for me to receive a gift without feeling bad about it and wanting to pay it back, but I'm learning to accept that it makes someone else feel good and trying to pay it forward.

25.  Am I able to risk rejection by continuing to increase and deepen our communication?  This one is hard for me with my children as they don't seem open to communicating anything with me except a desire for something.

26.  Am I able to talk openly to my children about my reasons, values, and feelings?  Mostly.  It's just that right now they don't often want to be part of a true relationship with me.

27.  Can I help my children build a sense of responsibility by giving them appropriate tasks around the home?  I've tried this all along.  I just am not good at figuring out a good consequence if they don't - particularly for adult children.

28.  Can I apologize when I'm wrong?  Yes.

29.  Do I respect children's rights to privacy?  Yes, but I sometimes think I've gone too far in this direction.

30.  Do I allow children the freedom to make their own relationships?  yes.

31.  Do I avoid using children to support me in my criticisms?  Yes.

32.  Am I a good example for children?  For the most part

33.  Do I keep in touch with my parents at reasonable intervals?  Yes, I have tried to call weekly and visit/do something with my living relatives at least once a month.

34.  Do I have one good friend in Al-anon with whom I can talk openly?  I believe I am building this type of relationship with my sponsor.

35.  Do I treat my co-workers with dignity and consideration?  Yes.

36.  Do I avoid the tendency to use activities just to escape the problem at home?  Yes, I'm getting better at that.  I am home often and try to build a relationship with others here.  I feel better when I get out hiking, but I try to limit that to 2-3 days per week.  I am here if someone wants to talk.  I'm attempting to stop and truly listen, but I guess I'm not quite trusted yet.  I have expressed interest.  I feel the ball is in the other court right now.

37.  Have I learned all I can about the disease of alcoholism?  I don't think it's possible to learn everything there is to know, but I try to read about it as well as listen to others.

38.  Do I spend time each day trying through prayer, meditation, and reading to build a more conscious relationship with my Higher Power?  Yes.

39.  Am I grateful for my blessings?  I am attempting to retrain myself to think in terms of what I have rather than what I want/lack.

40.  Do I try to express my gratitude by carrying the Al-Anon message of love to others in all my affairs?  I have trouble with traffic, lines, and making judgements about stupidity, but I am at least aware of that.

Responsibilities I Recognize as my own:

1.  my attitude
2.  my problems
3.  my work
4.  being open to relationship building/making overtures
5.  being honest about my feelings/communicating directly
6.  my chores
7.  my bills
8.  economizing more
9.  setting and keeping boundaries
10 setting goals and following through
11. commitment to the Al-Anon program

Responsibilities I need not have taken on:

1.  worrying about others' feelings excessively
2.  trying to protect others from anything negative (or thinking that I could do that)
3.  paying off daughter's tickets and collections
4.  getting sucked in by helpless members of my hiking group
5.  making appointments for nearly adult son
6.