Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Expectations and Consequences

I want to be sure what we've said so far is clear.  We haven't had any input from you as to consequences so we have just decided some on our own.  We would have liked your participation in this process.  We are happy to support you to the best of our ability if you are working towards lifelong goals and recovery, but you have to understand that times are tougher than before. You told us than that it would be helpful for you to have structure - seeking a job and doing chores to help with YOUR household will keep you busy and give you life skills.  Hopefully, you will also get a sense of satisfaction from becoming more self supporting instead of completely dependent on others financially.  We are not helping if we stand by and let you be dependent on us.  It's tough for us, but the most loving thing we can do is start letting you experience consequences for not being responsible/contributing to our household more.  I've been happy that you've stepped up with cooking recently and have been more communicative.  I looked at the contracts/rules and expectations at some sober houses and drew up this based on those examples and from feedback from people in my program.  This is not just us being parents but rather fellow adult housemates.

If you want to continue living here, these are our expectations:

**work on your recovery following the suggestions of the treatment center - meetings, sponsor, exercise, healthy eating, structured time, goals

**treat us with respect; use the new communication skills - we all need new behavior and are making an effort in this area - you are often putting up your walls as before treatment


**reasonable schedule - no late weeknights - tell us where you are and when you will return- safety and consideration of others - not because we are parents  -    but because a normal schedule was enforced during your treatment so it must be important for recovery

**doing most household chores until you get a job - this requires about an hour of time per day depending on what you cook - make shopping list for the cooking; do the shopping; cook all days when you don't have sponsor or aftercare and especially days that I have second job or Al-Anon - so far that is Sun, Wed, Thurs - NO reminders to do these chores

**Spend at least half the day on the job search - workshops to get the skills necessary for conducting a job search; looking for job ads, etc.  Show us what you are doing - accountability is important.

**communication - follow what you've been learning; we all need each other's support to get through life

**share plans ahead with us and check our schedules:  we need to get you shoes at Penney's and perhaps some workclothes also - as far as I can tell, you and I both have Mondays free - I won't go to yoga at school since I have my own DVD now

**set family meetings for Monday evenings now unless one of us ends up with a job then

**Eat food here mostly - make a shopping list for stuff you want.  I'm going to have to cut back on the weekly money.  Hoping you'll have a job to pay those expenses and your car insurance plus give me money to put in your college fund

**Do your best to conserve gas, electricity etc.  I lost enough income that we are not able to pay all bills from income.  Gas - only three nights out during the week and not so much back and forth would be a way to start.


Consequences:

1.  gas money only for Tuesday aftercare, Wed. sponsor, and Patricia - if you go to a meeting while you're down there specifically for those appointments, that's ok as long as you're home between 10 and 10:30 weeknights

2.  If you choose not to meet these expectations, the normal consequence at a sober house is to leave.

Usual Chores

get the mail
create a shopping list
feed animals
sweep and vaccuum - weekly at least
dust furniture - weekly at least
weeding - as needed - start in front yard
put away dishes; wash any dirty ones - we can't seem to get enough for the dishwasher now

DAILY - job workshop, job contact

Job Earnings:  $300 to us for car insurance; pay your own gas and entertainment; pay 1/3 of earnings to your college fund; depending on what you make - up to 1/3 of check towards other expenses of the house so basically:  1/3 to us for expenses; 1/3 to savings for college; 1/3 to you

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