1. Do I realize that a healthy form of self love is needed in my relationships with others? Yes. If I haven't learned to accept and love myself, I can't take care of myself in relationships. I might let myself be walked over or be judgmental.
2. Have I accepted alcoholism as an illness and the alcoholic as a sick person? Yes.
3. Have I freed my loved ones to live their own lives? I'm doing better at this. I used to step in and help solve the problem thinking that was the way to be supportive. I've stepped back. Sometimes this change is hard for my son as he doesn't understand the program. I believe I need to be more upfront about some of what I'm doing as if I explain it more, he might comprehend that it's not just selfishness or laziness as he seems to think now.
4. Have I learned that whenever I say, "I could love you IF . . ." I am not expressing love. Any kind of conditions is not love.
5. (p. 27) Do I know I must love with an open hand and that anything or anyone I lose by releasing my grasp was never mine to start with? Yes. I had a poster once that says if you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If not, it never was. I have been letting go and working on developing the faith that perhaps my children will one day choose to be around me.
6. Do I show my family members that I love them? Yes. My way was through food and doing things for them. I was better at listening in the younger years but became less focused in recent years. I am trying to be conscious and in the present enough to stop and give them my full attention. I realize this is a character defect - trying to multitask meant that I didn't give them the undivided attention they deserved. This would be a good way to show my love.
7. Am I consistent in my loving attitude toward my family? Mostly. I have times where I'm kind of a bitch. I'm working on that. If I follow the program and remember the slogans, I will be more likely to have not built up the resentments leading to my bitchy behavior.
8. Is sex a natural expression of love between my loved one and myself? I guess I'm having trouble with this one. I'm not sure if it's hormonal or it's just so much unresolved anger, resentment, disappointment in my partner. I realize it's a fault of my expectations not being in line with reality. He drops the ball a lot, lies, has some addict behavior, sits in front of the TV. Mainly it's been hard to forgive that he lied to me in the courting phase as he so desperately thought he needed to be married to me. In the end, he got someone resentful that he wasn't as compatible as I had hoped. I was so straightforward about what I was looking for . . .
9. Have I faced the truth about my sexual relationship with my loved one? The truth is that I'm not interested in him that way. I rarely feel attraction to anyone these days. It's something I need to discuss further with a professional to see what's at the bottom of it. I don't mind having sex now and then, but I do not seek it out. I'd rather just take care of my needs on my own.
10. Am I open and honest in my relationships? I'm working on this one also. I've been afraid to be completely open and honest as I don't want to hurt the other person and I also fear rejection. I am trying to speak my piece once so that at least I don't regret/beat myself up about not voicing it.
11. Do I have the courage to seek professional help about sexual problems I can't handle? Yes. I will need to do this when I can figure out a good schedule. I personally don't care that I don't want to have sex, but my husband throws it in my face as he's still interested in it.
12. Can I detach from other people's problems and idiosyncracies and still love them as people? Mostly. I sometimes feel myself being sucked in, but I have done better at walking away from the problem rather than absorbing it as my own. I love the differences in most people unless it is unhealthy for me. I have the hardest time accepting my own as I sometimes wonder who'd want to hang out with me.
13. Do I know the difference between detachment and indifference? Indifference means I just don't care and gave up. Detachment means I love and am interested in their well being but not to the point of living it for them. I can encourage but not control.
14. Can I give love without seeking its return? Yes. Sometimes I feel a bit resentful that I do so much and get nothing back, but I've been better about remembering that many times it gets paid forward.
15. Do I have genuine concern for my fellow man? Yes. However, I get impatient with things I consider to be stupid like cutting people off in traffic. Sometimes I think I just hate people - not the ones I know but crowds of strangers. I get anxious with too much input. I also can't understand people who like Sarah Palin, supported George Bush, are more into money than the environment . . .
16. Do I make an effort to remember and take an interest in special days, events, and things in the lives of those who are important to me? Yes.
17. How often do it TELL others that I love them? not often enough - rarely tell my husband - don't feel I really am in love with him; tell my kids at least once a month; don't think I tell my mom or other family members ever.
18. Am I natural in my relationships with others, avoiding the tendency to be on guard to say and do just the right thing? It depends on how well I know them or how comfortable I feel. I can be myself with some people, but I watch myself with others. I'm becoming less inhibited with time. In some situations, I think you have to be careful - such as at work.
19. Can I share those whom I love, avoiding competition for another's affection? Yes. Once in awhile, I feel a jealous twinge that some people I introduced seem to hang out together more than with me, but I turn it around and look at it as being great they made a connection. I think it's harder for me to make those deep connections so I feel a bit envious of others who can. I have enough friends that I don't need that exclusivity.
20. Do I let my Higher Power work in my relationships? I haven't done much with a higher power until this past year. I am doing my best to let go. Serenity means my relationships will work better. I already feel there is less negative energy coming from me - less feeling sorry for myself, less anger, less gossip.
21. Do I see gratitude as an expression of love? Yes. I am grateful to those in my life for being there. I don't always thank them on a regular basis, but it is part of love.
22. Do I try to show newcomers to Al-Anon a real sense of warmth and care? I try to talk to those with whom I feel a connection such as Nancy. I keep meaning to call her to find out why she hasn't been back. I also put on a smile and welcoming face. I need to call come newcomers.
23. Do I realize that carrying the Al-Anon message is really sharing love? Yes. It is a program of peace and serenity. Passing on this gift is loving others. It's the greatest gift a person can have.
Findings: What I've discovered about my capacity for loving:
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Step 4 blue book Self-Worth section
1. Do I treat myself well physically, mentally, and spiritually? I try to exercise a lot and eat decent food which is good for my body. I'm oh so slowly managing to get my weight back down so that my knees and feet will feel better. Mentally I believe I've stopped the constant bashing I used to do to myself. Spiritually: I'm trying to force myself into the now for several minutes at a time rather than spacing out to past or future. I'm reading nourishing books. I'm doing affirmations and trying to follow four agreements and quote slogans to myself as well as talking with God several times daily to share my gratitude for what I have and remind myself that I am working toward serenity in all my affairs and to dulling my self will.
2. Can I accept my physical appearance? Mostly, I don't do anything to mask the signs of aging, but I am not happy about being so overweight still in spite of all I do. Somehow I'm still using too much food and continually working on eating to live rather than living to eat. My thyroid's been tested, but I still think it's an issue. Everyone who knows me thinks I should still be skinny as I'm incredibly active and eat right. It doesn't make sense for me to still be so far over the normal range for my height. I don't want to accept that I can't change it because I think I will find the way.
3. Do I take pride in my appearance? I try to put together reasonable outfits, fix my hair, put on some make up for going out so yes, I feel better when I do that. I also feel better with every 10 pounds that comes off as I can wear more flattering/fashionable clothing when I'm thinner.
4. Do I eat the right foods? Yes, I do my best to avoid any fast food and as much processed food as possible. I choose lots of veggies, fruit, and whole grains and try to limit sugar and fat.
5. Do I get enough rest? I attempt to but have had insomnia for years. Now I'm on Ambien. It helps a bit. I keep on a regular routine and try to avoid naps so that I can train my body to sleep long periods at night.
6. When was the last time I went to the doctor for my own checkout? I go on a regular schedule for lab and other work. I still need to go for my knee - avoiding that one as long as it's summer.
7. p. 22 When was the last time I went to the dentist? I guess this one I let slide for all of us. It's been two years since my last cleaning. I have great teeth - cavities are rare, but I do like to get the cleanings every year so I need to schedule that for my next school break.
8. Do I have the courage not to let others abuse my body? Only my father and first husband ever hit me. I stood up to them afterwards after I got over the shock. There was a bit fear factor, but they weren't the real abuser types. They lost their tempers every few years. They didn't do it again.
9. Do I know what I can do to protect myself and others from violence? Yes, but this is a non issue now.
10. Do I like myself? I like being alone so I guess that means I like my company. Mostly, I would say yes. My defects seem quite glaring to me at times, but that would be my only hesitation.
11. Do I know that I am likeable? I'm not always sure this is true. I think not everyone can like everyone. Some people just hit some nerve even though those people are probably quite nice. I don't like helpless people in my group - ones who want to just take. I wonder how I come across to others as I don't think I'm equipped with that high social intelligence. I'm an introvert by nature. It takes awhile for me to relax. I see really dippy people who seem to have lots of friends. I wonder why they are so successful. I think I'm deeper and more reliable than those people; yet they have the social groups. Why?
12. Do I believe I can be lovable? I am not to the point where I can feel that 100% of the time, but I realize I'm not as bad as all that. It always surprises me when people who come across to me like big divas get lots of attention. I guess jealousy is not a good place to be, but I think I have done so much more than these people, and I know that they are big whiners and attention getters so I wonder why I am so often ignored. What do people see that I don't see? I feel petty when I wonder these things. I have been completely snubbed by some people, though. It's like I don't exist, and they practically knock me over to get to the person of interest. I'm learning to follow those four agreements not to take anything personally.
13. If I have been rejected by others, do I still feel lovable? There were a lot of hurts over the years when I wondered how the loyal, caring one could be rejected for an unstable type, but I grew to like being alone and learned to do things on my own. I still prefer solitude to big, noisy crowds. If I let my hair down or pitch one of my rare fits, I question whether anyone will choose to hang out with me again, but I realize slowly that people really don't think I'm crazy or too needy. Even though I don't get invited as much as I invite, I do still feel that people want my company. I also believe that I probably should have gone to some of the events I didn't feel like attending because now those people don't ask me anymore. It's like me with people I invite a lot with no response. I give up after awhile and figure it's their turn to get in touch with me.
14. Do I accept that possibility that I may indeed be a warm, loving human being? I have long term friendships and marital relationships so I guess I must do something right. In spite of my faults, I really do care about the people in my life.
15. Do I know I could be capable of a loving, deep relationship? It's hard for me to get to this stage, but I think I can approach this better with friends than with my spouse. I have not married compatible people as I married those who lied to me to make me believe they were compatible. I would love to find that compatible spouse, but for now my friendships are a good support and substitute for me.
16. Do I associate with emotionally healthy people? Not always, but I'm learning to listen to that voice that says I don't need to accept crap to keep a "friend". I have cut ties with the most unhealthy person in my life.
17. Do I understand that while irrational behavior may be typical of the disease of alcoholish, it is not always acceptable. Yes. That is why if I do allow myself the release of some kind of fit I understand that most people wouldn't understand so it's better to use slogans, breath, and journal about things as they happen and then speak directly to any feeling of unjust criticism rather than letting it fester until it blows. That is when I usually have a hissy fit so I need to speak up right away.
18. Have I considered the further help of a professional? I have gone off and on. I would like to do couples counseling also so we/I need to start trying some people out again to see if we can find someone we like that is on our plan.
19. Do I enjoy my own company? Yes!!!!! Only once in awhile do I feel depressed on my own. I love the chance to think, read, work my program.
20. have I considered buying myself a present? I do this a lot - new books and new backpacking stuff.
21. Am I as good to myself as I would be to someone I care for? I was pretty nasty with my self talk, but I have improved a lot over these past few months. I have been buying some things for myself, working the program in some way every single day, going on the activities I love so yes, I would say I'm being good to myself. I still fall off the diet and put crappy food in, but even that is better.
22. Have I developed some degree of self-respect, striving to develop a reasonable standard for myself rather than trying to measure up to someone else? Yes. I realize I can't be perfect and am using humor in the classroom if I can't get as organized as I'd like to be. I can't be someone outgoing, but now and then I can actually be humorous and entertaining. That person gets squelched by depression bouts.
23. Do I appreciate my abilities? Yes. I have a talent for languages that most people don't share. I'm getting stronger all the time and more sure of myself when taking on new hikes.
24. Can I accept my limitations? Yes, I'm learning to work with my brain and memory not being what it was and letting go of that need to be completely consistent and organized. It doesn't seem to be part of who I am.
25. Can I see my shortcomings as something short of an ideal? Yes.
26. Can I derive satisfaction out of working to improve myself? Yes. All I can do is work on growth and improvement. I will never be a finished product.
27. Do I take time to consider my own spiritual needs? Yes, I'd like to do more in terms of quiet reflection time a.m. and p.m., but I do engage in dialog and gratefulness to God. I feel I am aware of issues and trying to stay in the now. I can connect to the now and the feeling of peace more often.
28. Can I sit quietly in the middle of an outburst and remember that the accusations made against me may not be the facts? I am definitely improving in this one and not taking the blame or allowing guilt to rule me.
29. Do I know I have the right to be wrong? Yes. I'm getting better at saying the relationship is more important than winning the argument. I've been pretty good at admitting that I don't know or made a mistake. It can be pretty embarrassing with students, but it's a good example to them.
Findings:
Qualities I appreciate in myself: kindness to animals, loyalty and dependability, responsive to others' requests and feedback, leader in organizing activities, memory, quick thinker, quick visual processer
2. Can I accept my physical appearance? Mostly, I don't do anything to mask the signs of aging, but I am not happy about being so overweight still in spite of all I do. Somehow I'm still using too much food and continually working on eating to live rather than living to eat. My thyroid's been tested, but I still think it's an issue. Everyone who knows me thinks I should still be skinny as I'm incredibly active and eat right. It doesn't make sense for me to still be so far over the normal range for my height. I don't want to accept that I can't change it because I think I will find the way.
3. Do I take pride in my appearance? I try to put together reasonable outfits, fix my hair, put on some make up for going out so yes, I feel better when I do that. I also feel better with every 10 pounds that comes off as I can wear more flattering/fashionable clothing when I'm thinner.
4. Do I eat the right foods? Yes, I do my best to avoid any fast food and as much processed food as possible. I choose lots of veggies, fruit, and whole grains and try to limit sugar and fat.
5. Do I get enough rest? I attempt to but have had insomnia for years. Now I'm on Ambien. It helps a bit. I keep on a regular routine and try to avoid naps so that I can train my body to sleep long periods at night.
6. When was the last time I went to the doctor for my own checkout? I go on a regular schedule for lab and other work. I still need to go for my knee - avoiding that one as long as it's summer.
7. p. 22 When was the last time I went to the dentist? I guess this one I let slide for all of us. It's been two years since my last cleaning. I have great teeth - cavities are rare, but I do like to get the cleanings every year so I need to schedule that for my next school break.
8. Do I have the courage not to let others abuse my body? Only my father and first husband ever hit me. I stood up to them afterwards after I got over the shock. There was a bit fear factor, but they weren't the real abuser types. They lost their tempers every few years. They didn't do it again.
9. Do I know what I can do to protect myself and others from violence? Yes, but this is a non issue now.
10. Do I like myself? I like being alone so I guess that means I like my company. Mostly, I would say yes. My defects seem quite glaring to me at times, but that would be my only hesitation.
11. Do I know that I am likeable? I'm not always sure this is true. I think not everyone can like everyone. Some people just hit some nerve even though those people are probably quite nice. I don't like helpless people in my group - ones who want to just take. I wonder how I come across to others as I don't think I'm equipped with that high social intelligence. I'm an introvert by nature. It takes awhile for me to relax. I see really dippy people who seem to have lots of friends. I wonder why they are so successful. I think I'm deeper and more reliable than those people; yet they have the social groups. Why?
12. Do I believe I can be lovable? I am not to the point where I can feel that 100% of the time, but I realize I'm not as bad as all that. It always surprises me when people who come across to me like big divas get lots of attention. I guess jealousy is not a good place to be, but I think I have done so much more than these people, and I know that they are big whiners and attention getters so I wonder why I am so often ignored. What do people see that I don't see? I feel petty when I wonder these things. I have been completely snubbed by some people, though. It's like I don't exist, and they practically knock me over to get to the person of interest. I'm learning to follow those four agreements not to take anything personally.
13. If I have been rejected by others, do I still feel lovable? There were a lot of hurts over the years when I wondered how the loyal, caring one could be rejected for an unstable type, but I grew to like being alone and learned to do things on my own. I still prefer solitude to big, noisy crowds. If I let my hair down or pitch one of my rare fits, I question whether anyone will choose to hang out with me again, but I realize slowly that people really don't think I'm crazy or too needy. Even though I don't get invited as much as I invite, I do still feel that people want my company. I also believe that I probably should have gone to some of the events I didn't feel like attending because now those people don't ask me anymore. It's like me with people I invite a lot with no response. I give up after awhile and figure it's their turn to get in touch with me.
14. Do I accept that possibility that I may indeed be a warm, loving human being? I have long term friendships and marital relationships so I guess I must do something right. In spite of my faults, I really do care about the people in my life.
15. Do I know I could be capable of a loving, deep relationship? It's hard for me to get to this stage, but I think I can approach this better with friends than with my spouse. I have not married compatible people as I married those who lied to me to make me believe they were compatible. I would love to find that compatible spouse, but for now my friendships are a good support and substitute for me.
16. Do I associate with emotionally healthy people? Not always, but I'm learning to listen to that voice that says I don't need to accept crap to keep a "friend". I have cut ties with the most unhealthy person in my life.
17. Do I understand that while irrational behavior may be typical of the disease of alcoholish, it is not always acceptable. Yes. That is why if I do allow myself the release of some kind of fit I understand that most people wouldn't understand so it's better to use slogans, breath, and journal about things as they happen and then speak directly to any feeling of unjust criticism rather than letting it fester until it blows. That is when I usually have a hissy fit so I need to speak up right away.
18. Have I considered the further help of a professional? I have gone off and on. I would like to do couples counseling also so we/I need to start trying some people out again to see if we can find someone we like that is on our plan.
19. Do I enjoy my own company? Yes!!!!! Only once in awhile do I feel depressed on my own. I love the chance to think, read, work my program.
20. have I considered buying myself a present? I do this a lot - new books and new backpacking stuff.
21. Am I as good to myself as I would be to someone I care for? I was pretty nasty with my self talk, but I have improved a lot over these past few months. I have been buying some things for myself, working the program in some way every single day, going on the activities I love so yes, I would say I'm being good to myself. I still fall off the diet and put crappy food in, but even that is better.
22. Have I developed some degree of self-respect, striving to develop a reasonable standard for myself rather than trying to measure up to someone else? Yes. I realize I can't be perfect and am using humor in the classroom if I can't get as organized as I'd like to be. I can't be someone outgoing, but now and then I can actually be humorous and entertaining. That person gets squelched by depression bouts.
23. Do I appreciate my abilities? Yes. I have a talent for languages that most people don't share. I'm getting stronger all the time and more sure of myself when taking on new hikes.
24. Can I accept my limitations? Yes, I'm learning to work with my brain and memory not being what it was and letting go of that need to be completely consistent and organized. It doesn't seem to be part of who I am.
25. Can I see my shortcomings as something short of an ideal? Yes.
26. Can I derive satisfaction out of working to improve myself? Yes. All I can do is work on growth and improvement. I will never be a finished product.
27. Do I take time to consider my own spiritual needs? Yes, I'd like to do more in terms of quiet reflection time a.m. and p.m., but I do engage in dialog and gratefulness to God. I feel I am aware of issues and trying to stay in the now. I can connect to the now and the feeling of peace more often.
28. Can I sit quietly in the middle of an outburst and remember that the accusations made against me may not be the facts? I am definitely improving in this one and not taking the blame or allowing guilt to rule me.
29. Do I know I have the right to be wrong? Yes. I'm getting better at saying the relationship is more important than winning the argument. I've been pretty good at admitting that I don't know or made a mistake. It can be pretty embarrassing with students, but it's a good example to them.
Findings:
Qualities I appreciate in myself: kindness to animals, loyalty and dependability, responsive to others' requests and feedback, leader in organizing activities, memory, quick thinker, quick visual processer
Monday, August 22, 2011
Blue Book Fourth Step Process: Responsibility section
1. Do I accept responsibility (ability to respond to needs of self and others) to do something about my problems as they arise? I believe I'm doing better about facing issues head on rather than practicing avoidance or overanalyzing and fretting.
2. Do I set my goals realistically? I believe they're reasonable. I have a list of short term and a list of long term goals. I think about what I can accomplish in a period of time based on what I have historically been able to do. I tend to set goals such as keeping my dog clean and not stick to it for very long.
3. Do I consider my welfare when making decisions? Yes.
4. Am I true to my ideas, refusing to compromise myself just to keep the peace? NO. This is an area I am working on. I have often gone against my goals or boundaries because I was worn out from work and then coming home to fight.
5. Can I relax when I am by myself? It depends on where I am. If I'm in a peaceful setting without lots coming at me, I tend to relax completely. At home it's more difficult because there is always a list of tasks.
6. Have I kept an open mind, willing to learn no matter how long I have been in the program? I have always been open to learning. I have never felt that I was done learning. I just hadn't been working so much on introspection and personal, spiritual growth. I had worked more on getting physically stronger and thinner again as well as improving languages.
7. Can I be counted on by others? Yes. If I say I will do something, I commit to it. Only a true emergency would prevent me from doing what I promised.
8. (top of p. 16) Have I made an effort to attend several open AA meetings to hear the stories of other alcoholics? No, but I have read the stories in the NA book as well as attended family meetings at the treatment center which included the addicts/alcoholics.
9. Do I allow the alcoholic to face the consequences of his/her own actions? Before I knew better I did not. I rescued and protected. I am doing better about allowing consequences. However, I still think I have made life too comfortable for my daughter in her early recovery.
10. Do I try to provide a healthy form of supportive help for my loved ones? Now I am doing better at waiting for them to ask for help or advise.
11. Do I share the sober alcoholic's gratitude for the fellowship of AA? Yes. I am happy for her to working a program. I feel better if she is interacting with recovering addicts.
12. Do I respect the anonymity of all AA, Al-Anon, and Alateen members? Yes. I don't ever talk about names or specifics from meetings.
13. Do I make an effort to be at meetings even when I don't feel like going? I have made a commitment to the Thursday night group and have been mostly faithful about keeping that unless I had something else like a prior commitment to a family vacation. I am also trying to go to one other meeting per week. I prefer not to go weekly to the ones which require 30+ minutes of driving time unless I find one that I really enjoy.
14. Can I see the value in actively participating in meetings? Absolutely. I like to go to meetings and know someone else will show up. There was one time I agreed to chair, but no-one else showed up. It happened that it was a 40 minute drive roundtrip so it seemed rather a waste of time. I haven't been back to that one as there are so few people there that I can't guarantee there will be people. I like small meetings for sharing time, but I also want to know people are attending. If we all attend regularly and participate, we all benefit.
15. Do I give my time, ideas, and financial support to my home group? Yes. I give as much as I can right now.
16. Do I contribute to my local information or answering service or World Service whenever possible? No. I haven't done this type of service yet.
17. Have I volunteered for service that will take me outside of my home group? I volunteered to chair another group. I think that is about all I can do right now because I am so committed to my hiking group and kids. As some responsibilities ease, I plan to do more activities such as attending speakers' meetings and potlucks.
18. Do I see service on an individual, group, and assembly level as a way of helping myself grow? I know that service takes me out of my own head. I feel that I am service oriented in my job and hobby so it's hard for me to add more service at this point. Working in the group does help me see better ways for working in other groups like my family or hiking group.
19. Am I trying to become more familiar with Al-Anon's 12 traditions? Yes. I've been doing the reading and trying to apply some of them to my work in other groups.
20. Have I allowed myself to sponsor a newcomer? I have tried to make newcomers feel welcome, but I don't feel that I am ready to sponsor someone unless I have worked the program for at least a year and hopefully done all the steps at least once.
21. Have I examined the possibilities of becoming an Alateen sponsor? No. I probably would not do this one as I spend all day with teens as it is. I don't want that level of service commitment now and probably not in the future. I prefer adult time during my time off. I have newly adults at home who still need guidance as well.
22. Do I carry the Al-anon message through attraction remembering that I may be the only example of an Al-anon member that someone else may ever see? I try to be a good example and have talked in glowing terms of my experiences and shared literature with those who cared to hear more about it.
23. Can I discuss with my loved one pertinent issues such as sex and finances frankly and maturely? I'm getting better at it.
24. Can I accept love from another person as well as give it? It's a little hard for me to receive a gift without feeling bad about it and wanting to pay it back, but I'm learning to accept that it makes someone else feel good and trying to pay it forward.
25. Am I able to risk rejection by continuing to increase and deepen our communication? This one is hard for me with my children as they don't seem open to communicating anything with me except a desire for something.
26. Am I able to talk openly to my children about my reasons, values, and feelings? Mostly. It's just that right now they don't often want to be part of a true relationship with me.
27. Can I help my children build a sense of responsibility by giving them appropriate tasks around the home? I've tried this all along. I just am not good at figuring out a good consequence if they don't - particularly for adult children.
28. Can I apologize when I'm wrong? Yes.
29. Do I respect children's rights to privacy? Yes, but I sometimes think I've gone too far in this direction.
30. Do I allow children the freedom to make their own relationships? yes.
31. Do I avoid using children to support me in my criticisms? Yes.
32. Am I a good example for children? For the most part
33. Do I keep in touch with my parents at reasonable intervals? Yes, I have tried to call weekly and visit/do something with my living relatives at least once a month.
34. Do I have one good friend in Al-anon with whom I can talk openly? I believe I am building this type of relationship with my sponsor.
35. Do I treat my co-workers with dignity and consideration? Yes.
36. Do I avoid the tendency to use activities just to escape the problem at home? Yes, I'm getting better at that. I am home often and try to build a relationship with others here. I feel better when I get out hiking, but I try to limit that to 2-3 days per week. I am here if someone wants to talk. I'm attempting to stop and truly listen, but I guess I'm not quite trusted yet. I have expressed interest. I feel the ball is in the other court right now.
37. Have I learned all I can about the disease of alcoholism? I don't think it's possible to learn everything there is to know, but I try to read about it as well as listen to others.
38. Do I spend time each day trying through prayer, meditation, and reading to build a more conscious relationship with my Higher Power? Yes.
39. Am I grateful for my blessings? I am attempting to retrain myself to think in terms of what I have rather than what I want/lack.
40. Do I try to express my gratitude by carrying the Al-Anon message of love to others in all my affairs? I have trouble with traffic, lines, and making judgements about stupidity, but I am at least aware of that.
Responsibilities I Recognize as my own:
1. my attitude
2. my problems
3. my work
4. being open to relationship building/making overtures
5. being honest about my feelings/communicating directly
6. my chores
7. my bills
8. economizing more
9. setting and keeping boundaries
10 setting goals and following through
11. commitment to the Al-Anon program
Responsibilities I need not have taken on:
1. worrying about others' feelings excessively
2. trying to protect others from anything negative (or thinking that I could do that)
3. paying off daughter's tickets and collections
4. getting sucked in by helpless members of my hiking group
5. making appointments for nearly adult son
6.
2. Do I set my goals realistically? I believe they're reasonable. I have a list of short term and a list of long term goals. I think about what I can accomplish in a period of time based on what I have historically been able to do. I tend to set goals such as keeping my dog clean and not stick to it for very long.
3. Do I consider my welfare when making decisions? Yes.
4. Am I true to my ideas, refusing to compromise myself just to keep the peace? NO. This is an area I am working on. I have often gone against my goals or boundaries because I was worn out from work and then coming home to fight.
5. Can I relax when I am by myself? It depends on where I am. If I'm in a peaceful setting without lots coming at me, I tend to relax completely. At home it's more difficult because there is always a list of tasks.
6. Have I kept an open mind, willing to learn no matter how long I have been in the program? I have always been open to learning. I have never felt that I was done learning. I just hadn't been working so much on introspection and personal, spiritual growth. I had worked more on getting physically stronger and thinner again as well as improving languages.
7. Can I be counted on by others? Yes. If I say I will do something, I commit to it. Only a true emergency would prevent me from doing what I promised.
8. (top of p. 16) Have I made an effort to attend several open AA meetings to hear the stories of other alcoholics? No, but I have read the stories in the NA book as well as attended family meetings at the treatment center which included the addicts/alcoholics.
9. Do I allow the alcoholic to face the consequences of his/her own actions? Before I knew better I did not. I rescued and protected. I am doing better about allowing consequences. However, I still think I have made life too comfortable for my daughter in her early recovery.
10. Do I try to provide a healthy form of supportive help for my loved ones? Now I am doing better at waiting for them to ask for help or advise.
11. Do I share the sober alcoholic's gratitude for the fellowship of AA? Yes. I am happy for her to working a program. I feel better if she is interacting with recovering addicts.
12. Do I respect the anonymity of all AA, Al-Anon, and Alateen members? Yes. I don't ever talk about names or specifics from meetings.
13. Do I make an effort to be at meetings even when I don't feel like going? I have made a commitment to the Thursday night group and have been mostly faithful about keeping that unless I had something else like a prior commitment to a family vacation. I am also trying to go to one other meeting per week. I prefer not to go weekly to the ones which require 30+ minutes of driving time unless I find one that I really enjoy.
14. Can I see the value in actively participating in meetings? Absolutely. I like to go to meetings and know someone else will show up. There was one time I agreed to chair, but no-one else showed up. It happened that it was a 40 minute drive roundtrip so it seemed rather a waste of time. I haven't been back to that one as there are so few people there that I can't guarantee there will be people. I like small meetings for sharing time, but I also want to know people are attending. If we all attend regularly and participate, we all benefit.
15. Do I give my time, ideas, and financial support to my home group? Yes. I give as much as I can right now.
16. Do I contribute to my local information or answering service or World Service whenever possible? No. I haven't done this type of service yet.
17. Have I volunteered for service that will take me outside of my home group? I volunteered to chair another group. I think that is about all I can do right now because I am so committed to my hiking group and kids. As some responsibilities ease, I plan to do more activities such as attending speakers' meetings and potlucks.
18. Do I see service on an individual, group, and assembly level as a way of helping myself grow? I know that service takes me out of my own head. I feel that I am service oriented in my job and hobby so it's hard for me to add more service at this point. Working in the group does help me see better ways for working in other groups like my family or hiking group.
19. Am I trying to become more familiar with Al-Anon's 12 traditions? Yes. I've been doing the reading and trying to apply some of them to my work in other groups.
20. Have I allowed myself to sponsor a newcomer? I have tried to make newcomers feel welcome, but I don't feel that I am ready to sponsor someone unless I have worked the program for at least a year and hopefully done all the steps at least once.
21. Have I examined the possibilities of becoming an Alateen sponsor? No. I probably would not do this one as I spend all day with teens as it is. I don't want that level of service commitment now and probably not in the future. I prefer adult time during my time off. I have newly adults at home who still need guidance as well.
22. Do I carry the Al-anon message through attraction remembering that I may be the only example of an Al-anon member that someone else may ever see? I try to be a good example and have talked in glowing terms of my experiences and shared literature with those who cared to hear more about it.
23. Can I discuss with my loved one pertinent issues such as sex and finances frankly and maturely? I'm getting better at it.
24. Can I accept love from another person as well as give it? It's a little hard for me to receive a gift without feeling bad about it and wanting to pay it back, but I'm learning to accept that it makes someone else feel good and trying to pay it forward.
25. Am I able to risk rejection by continuing to increase and deepen our communication? This one is hard for me with my children as they don't seem open to communicating anything with me except a desire for something.
26. Am I able to talk openly to my children about my reasons, values, and feelings? Mostly. It's just that right now they don't often want to be part of a true relationship with me.
27. Can I help my children build a sense of responsibility by giving them appropriate tasks around the home? I've tried this all along. I just am not good at figuring out a good consequence if they don't - particularly for adult children.
28. Can I apologize when I'm wrong? Yes.
29. Do I respect children's rights to privacy? Yes, but I sometimes think I've gone too far in this direction.
30. Do I allow children the freedom to make their own relationships? yes.
31. Do I avoid using children to support me in my criticisms? Yes.
32. Am I a good example for children? For the most part
33. Do I keep in touch with my parents at reasonable intervals? Yes, I have tried to call weekly and visit/do something with my living relatives at least once a month.
34. Do I have one good friend in Al-anon with whom I can talk openly? I believe I am building this type of relationship with my sponsor.
35. Do I treat my co-workers with dignity and consideration? Yes.
36. Do I avoid the tendency to use activities just to escape the problem at home? Yes, I'm getting better at that. I am home often and try to build a relationship with others here. I feel better when I get out hiking, but I try to limit that to 2-3 days per week. I am here if someone wants to talk. I'm attempting to stop and truly listen, but I guess I'm not quite trusted yet. I have expressed interest. I feel the ball is in the other court right now.
37. Have I learned all I can about the disease of alcoholism? I don't think it's possible to learn everything there is to know, but I try to read about it as well as listen to others.
38. Do I spend time each day trying through prayer, meditation, and reading to build a more conscious relationship with my Higher Power? Yes.
39. Am I grateful for my blessings? I am attempting to retrain myself to think in terms of what I have rather than what I want/lack.
40. Do I try to express my gratitude by carrying the Al-Anon message of love to others in all my affairs? I have trouble with traffic, lines, and making judgements about stupidity, but I am at least aware of that.
Responsibilities I Recognize as my own:
1. my attitude
2. my problems
3. my work
4. being open to relationship building/making overtures
5. being honest about my feelings/communicating directly
6. my chores
7. my bills
8. economizing more
9. setting and keeping boundaries
10 setting goals and following through
11. commitment to the Al-Anon program
Responsibilities I need not have taken on:
1. worrying about others' feelings excessively
2. trying to protect others from anything negative (or thinking that I could do that)
3. paying off daughter's tickets and collections
4. getting sucked in by helpless members of my hiking group
5. making appointments for nearly adult son
6.
Friday, August 5, 2011
Step 5 questions from Paths to Recovery
1. If I have completed my fourth step inventory, how do I feel about sharing details of my past with another person? I feel accepted in this program so I don't feel a great fear or anxiety about sharing the inventory. I was a little nervous especially about the sexual part as that seems more personal or more of an area of shame. I would not be able to share myself in this fashion with my children or outside people because I'm not sure they would understand the purpose or receive complete honesty from me without feeling the need to respond. My children are still controlling me in some ways as I still worry about their reactions. This is a character defect which I must learn to face and remove.
2. In what areas of my past am I willing to be completely honest? How the actions of my original family affected me; my own feelings about my mistakes as a parent; life in an alcoholic marriage; my own teen drinking and drug use - justification was that I could overcome my shyness and isolation.
3. What are some of the advantages I might get from admitting my faults? Relief. It is hard to face my imperfections in an objective way - I have been so used to beating myself up over every imperfection. I believe that someone listening may not see them as the horrible things I did. I am pretty accepting of admissions from others, but to accept my own faults and let them go is a challenge. I may also find that when I identify them clearly that they will lose their power. I can also set up goals for overcoming some or all of them. I can listen more carefully when other members share about the same fault.
4. Do I understand the healing relief that honestly admitting my faults can bring? Yes. I can look at the list of faults, and I feel they will lose their power to control me. I can become more authentic and put my energy into healing rather than covering up perceived imperfections.
5. What expectations do I have about how I should feel or what I should experience when I admit my faults? When reading this, the word "should" caught my eye. Should is imposed from without. That is what I am trying to overcome - the shoulds. I do expect to feel some kind of release because I have never shared all that I am completely honestly with anyone. It will take courage.
6. Am I ready to let these expectations go and allow my HP to determine the best results for me? How do I know? I feel some reluctance about sharing my truth with those that might be judgmental, but I don't feel that from my sponsor or most other members of the group. I will have faith that however I feel will be exactly as it is meant to be.
7. Would I be willing to group my inventory into things I could admit, things I might admit, and things I think "no way, I could never!" and start with the could list? I would do this, but I feel ready to admit pretty much everything that is observable to me. There are extremely few things I don't think I'd want to talk about now. Those relate mostly to sexual experiences. I am talking to a counselor about this and will eventually work on this with my husband and the counselor.
8. Am I afraid to admit my faults to my HP? No. My HP already knows everything about me - even the things about which I most feel shame such as losing my temper when my son would constantly cry and beat his head into the crib meaning that I could not get much sleep. One time I actually hit him. I feel awful about that and have wondered if it contributed to his later issues.
9. Who in the program could I call to discuss my fears about God? I don't have any fears to discuss. I long ago got past the whole organized religion guilt trip. It is just a matter of developing the faith to let things go and being still and waiting. I recognize there is nothing I can do. I just find it hard to do nothing, but I am doing so much better about this. When I get the crazies, I read about a loving God and also read CAL.
10. Could I make a list of my fears and turn them over? What are my fears?
1. My kids won't love me if I don't do what they expect.
2. My daughter will relapse.
3. Our finances will collapse.
4. Orcas will sell. Orcas won't sell.
5. One or both of my children will die.
6. Interactions with a group of strangers; going to a party where I know few people and can't see what I have in common with them. I just don't know what to say; then I feel awkward. Fear of rejection.
7. When I go out on a winter adventure, I have a lot of anxiety about death.
8. That one of us will die before we can rebuild our relationships and lives - unfinished business.
9. That I won't be able to find another job - especially one which allows me 12 weeks of time off.
10. That I am losing my intelligence - brain just isn't functioning like it used to.
11. That I would be paralyzed/in such ill condition that I can't go out.
12. Some lingering anxiety about being away from my home.
13. We won't have enough to survive in retirement.
14. My kids won't want to have a relationship with me.
*How can admitting my faults to my HP help me? Facing them brings relief. It allows me to see myself as I am and learn to accept myself and think progress not perfection. Also, I am not hiding them and hoping He won't see them. Some lingering need for perfection in His eyes?
*Can I concede that I am not perfect? How can I quit trying to be? Oh man, I am too well aware that I haven't succeeded at the goal of perfection. I can be ok with that most of the time, but sometimes I get back into that comparison and judgmental mode. When I feel that, I need to remind myself that everyone has struggles - going to meetings to hear stories or calling others will quickly bring that to mind. I can also call my sponsor to talk about the perfection crazies.
*How do I try to excuse myself from harms I may have done? I often try to find the blame the other person has in the situation without looking at what my part was. It is so painful to admit that I was contributing to a situation that I often just try to avoid the issue. I had a tendency to run away - to escape into my activities to keep me so busy that I couldn't look at myself or others around me that might be hurt. This caused more damage in the long run. I escape into books, TV, movies, hiking group, work, studies . . .
*With whom will I share my 5th step? What qualities made me choose this person? Do I trust him or her?
I will share with my sponsor. I liked her peaceful manner and wisdom she shares in the meetings. I also like that she admits that she still has problems and is working on growth. She has had major pain in her life to deal with - more than I can imagine being able to survive; yet she still smiles. She is a good listener and seems to be in the present. She comes across as intelligent, patient, soft spoken, and well educated. She looks fashionable. These are all things I would like to be. I trust her completely.
*Do I have any of these qualities myself? Did I list them under my assets? Actually, if I really thought about it, I do have most of those qualities. I just didn't see all of them before. The main thing that was missing was the radiation of peace, but with my changing attitude, I think even that is coming.
*What may block me from trusting someone with my truth? I am looking for acceptance and love. I often look for that in the wrong places. Can I share these fears with another person? Yes. I never thought I was looking for acceptance, but I realize that I have a strong fear of rejection. I guess this is because I never thought I could earn my father's love unless I was his version of perfect. My mom seemed to love me, but she was pretty critical also. I don't feel loved by the children. They seem to want me only for what I can do for them. If I stop doing for them, will there be any relationship left?
*How can my desire to be perfect block me from believing someone could love me unconditionally, even after hearing my fifth step? I can't love myself unconditionally so being perfect would make it hard for others to love me. Wanting to be perfect means that I am judgmental. Judgmental people have a hard time with relationships. I do believe others are capable of unconditional love. I love my children and pets that way. I love my friends that way. Somehow I don't feel that way towards husband.
*How have I isolated myself? Do I believe that sharing with another person can lead to relief from isolation? I used to tell myself it didn't hurt when I'd see others laughing and having fun in groups. I always had to extend the invitations. When I'd introduce people, it was hard to see them hit it off and not include me. I wondered what was wrong with me. Then I just learned to be alone as it seemed there was too much pain involved in wanting to be part of groups. I read. I studied. I hiked only with family. I told myself I was too busy for friends. I was extremely busy at work, but now I am trying to take some time to connect to others. About four years ago I began stepping out of that.
*Can being honest and admitting a mistake have positive consequences? What are they? Yes! I can learn from them. Sometimes they aren't so much mistakes as opportunities to see the lessons I still need to learn. Many times that lesson has to hit me several times before I pay attention.
*Can I remember when another person admitted a fault or mistake to me and I understood and didn't judge? Yes. There have been many times. I tend to be more forgiving, understanding, and non-judgmental with friends and kids than with myself and husband.
*In doing this Fifth Step, what have I learned about the exact nature of my wrongs? They are much clearer to me; there are not so many wrongs that I cannot move forward and make things better.
*What have I learned about fear? honesty? trust? acceptance? I was afraid of showing my true self to anyone. I learned that being completely honest requires trust and courage. People are more accepting of me than I am of myself.
*How did I feel after sharing with God? Admitting to myself? Sharing with another person? I feel that God already knows me, but it is good to look at myself and really see what I can now. It wasn't so bad to share with another as I thought it would be because my sponsor really listens. God really listens. I feel peaceful but will continue to look inward.
*What, if anything, have I left out? If I have completed step 5, what am I feeling? Is anything different? better? I felt a weight lift. My attitude has shifted toward finding the positives. I feel closer to God.
2. In what areas of my past am I willing to be completely honest? How the actions of my original family affected me; my own feelings about my mistakes as a parent; life in an alcoholic marriage; my own teen drinking and drug use - justification was that I could overcome my shyness and isolation.
3. What are some of the advantages I might get from admitting my faults? Relief. It is hard to face my imperfections in an objective way - I have been so used to beating myself up over every imperfection. I believe that someone listening may not see them as the horrible things I did. I am pretty accepting of admissions from others, but to accept my own faults and let them go is a challenge. I may also find that when I identify them clearly that they will lose their power. I can also set up goals for overcoming some or all of them. I can listen more carefully when other members share about the same fault.
4. Do I understand the healing relief that honestly admitting my faults can bring? Yes. I can look at the list of faults, and I feel they will lose their power to control me. I can become more authentic and put my energy into healing rather than covering up perceived imperfections.
5. What expectations do I have about how I should feel or what I should experience when I admit my faults? When reading this, the word "should" caught my eye. Should is imposed from without. That is what I am trying to overcome - the shoulds. I do expect to feel some kind of release because I have never shared all that I am completely honestly with anyone. It will take courage.
6. Am I ready to let these expectations go and allow my HP to determine the best results for me? How do I know? I feel some reluctance about sharing my truth with those that might be judgmental, but I don't feel that from my sponsor or most other members of the group. I will have faith that however I feel will be exactly as it is meant to be.
7. Would I be willing to group my inventory into things I could admit, things I might admit, and things I think "no way, I could never!" and start with the could list? I would do this, but I feel ready to admit pretty much everything that is observable to me. There are extremely few things I don't think I'd want to talk about now. Those relate mostly to sexual experiences. I am talking to a counselor about this and will eventually work on this with my husband and the counselor.
8. Am I afraid to admit my faults to my HP? No. My HP already knows everything about me - even the things about which I most feel shame such as losing my temper when my son would constantly cry and beat his head into the crib meaning that I could not get much sleep. One time I actually hit him. I feel awful about that and have wondered if it contributed to his later issues.
9. Who in the program could I call to discuss my fears about God? I don't have any fears to discuss. I long ago got past the whole organized religion guilt trip. It is just a matter of developing the faith to let things go and being still and waiting. I recognize there is nothing I can do. I just find it hard to do nothing, but I am doing so much better about this. When I get the crazies, I read about a loving God and also read CAL.
10. Could I make a list of my fears and turn them over? What are my fears?
1. My kids won't love me if I don't do what they expect.
2. My daughter will relapse.
3. Our finances will collapse.
4. Orcas will sell. Orcas won't sell.
5. One or both of my children will die.
6. Interactions with a group of strangers; going to a party where I know few people and can't see what I have in common with them. I just don't know what to say; then I feel awkward. Fear of rejection.
7. When I go out on a winter adventure, I have a lot of anxiety about death.
8. That one of us will die before we can rebuild our relationships and lives - unfinished business.
9. That I won't be able to find another job - especially one which allows me 12 weeks of time off.
10. That I am losing my intelligence - brain just isn't functioning like it used to.
11. That I would be paralyzed/in such ill condition that I can't go out.
12. Some lingering anxiety about being away from my home.
13. We won't have enough to survive in retirement.
14. My kids won't want to have a relationship with me.
*How can admitting my faults to my HP help me? Facing them brings relief. It allows me to see myself as I am and learn to accept myself and think progress not perfection. Also, I am not hiding them and hoping He won't see them. Some lingering need for perfection in His eyes?
*Can I concede that I am not perfect? How can I quit trying to be? Oh man, I am too well aware that I haven't succeeded at the goal of perfection. I can be ok with that most of the time, but sometimes I get back into that comparison and judgmental mode. When I feel that, I need to remind myself that everyone has struggles - going to meetings to hear stories or calling others will quickly bring that to mind. I can also call my sponsor to talk about the perfection crazies.
*How do I try to excuse myself from harms I may have done? I often try to find the blame the other person has in the situation without looking at what my part was. It is so painful to admit that I was contributing to a situation that I often just try to avoid the issue. I had a tendency to run away - to escape into my activities to keep me so busy that I couldn't look at myself or others around me that might be hurt. This caused more damage in the long run. I escape into books, TV, movies, hiking group, work, studies . . .
*With whom will I share my 5th step? What qualities made me choose this person? Do I trust him or her?
I will share with my sponsor. I liked her peaceful manner and wisdom she shares in the meetings. I also like that she admits that she still has problems and is working on growth. She has had major pain in her life to deal with - more than I can imagine being able to survive; yet she still smiles. She is a good listener and seems to be in the present. She comes across as intelligent, patient, soft spoken, and well educated. She looks fashionable. These are all things I would like to be. I trust her completely.
*Do I have any of these qualities myself? Did I list them under my assets? Actually, if I really thought about it, I do have most of those qualities. I just didn't see all of them before. The main thing that was missing was the radiation of peace, but with my changing attitude, I think even that is coming.
*What may block me from trusting someone with my truth? I am looking for acceptance and love. I often look for that in the wrong places. Can I share these fears with another person? Yes. I never thought I was looking for acceptance, but I realize that I have a strong fear of rejection. I guess this is because I never thought I could earn my father's love unless I was his version of perfect. My mom seemed to love me, but she was pretty critical also. I don't feel loved by the children. They seem to want me only for what I can do for them. If I stop doing for them, will there be any relationship left?
*How can my desire to be perfect block me from believing someone could love me unconditionally, even after hearing my fifth step? I can't love myself unconditionally so being perfect would make it hard for others to love me. Wanting to be perfect means that I am judgmental. Judgmental people have a hard time with relationships. I do believe others are capable of unconditional love. I love my children and pets that way. I love my friends that way. Somehow I don't feel that way towards husband.
*How have I isolated myself? Do I believe that sharing with another person can lead to relief from isolation? I used to tell myself it didn't hurt when I'd see others laughing and having fun in groups. I always had to extend the invitations. When I'd introduce people, it was hard to see them hit it off and not include me. I wondered what was wrong with me. Then I just learned to be alone as it seemed there was too much pain involved in wanting to be part of groups. I read. I studied. I hiked only with family. I told myself I was too busy for friends. I was extremely busy at work, but now I am trying to take some time to connect to others. About four years ago I began stepping out of that.
*Can being honest and admitting a mistake have positive consequences? What are they? Yes! I can learn from them. Sometimes they aren't so much mistakes as opportunities to see the lessons I still need to learn. Many times that lesson has to hit me several times before I pay attention.
*Can I remember when another person admitted a fault or mistake to me and I understood and didn't judge? Yes. There have been many times. I tend to be more forgiving, understanding, and non-judgmental with friends and kids than with myself and husband.
*In doing this Fifth Step, what have I learned about the exact nature of my wrongs? They are much clearer to me; there are not so many wrongs that I cannot move forward and make things better.
*What have I learned about fear? honesty? trust? acceptance? I was afraid of showing my true self to anyone. I learned that being completely honest requires trust and courage. People are more accepting of me than I am of myself.
*How did I feel after sharing with God? Admitting to myself? Sharing with another person? I feel that God already knows me, but it is good to look at myself and really see what I can now. It wasn't so bad to share with another as I thought it would be because my sponsor really listens. God really listens. I feel peaceful but will continue to look inward.
*What, if anything, have I left out? If I have completed step 5, what am I feeling? Is anything different? better? I felt a weight lift. My attitude has shifted toward finding the positives. I feel closer to God.
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