1. I can lose the weight.
2. I will have a good day.
3. I am where I am supposed to be.
4. God has a plan for me even if it's not clear to me yet.
5. I am thankful for each day I am given.
6. I have a wonderful family, home, pets . . .
7. I am capable of being honest and direct with others.
8. I will set and maintain a boundary just for today.
9. I can deal with traffic and changes without losing it.
10. I can do my best everyday.
11. I will be able to sleep tonight.
12. I will treat Glen with respect today.
13. I will communicate using I messages.
14. I am a lovable person.
15. I will meet my goals: exercise, languages, chores
16. Everything is going to turn out the way it is intended.
17. I can choose to be content today.
18. I can be as courageous as I make up my mind to be.
19. I will not procrastinate today.
20. I will love others and treat them with kindness just for today.
21. I will let go of my time obsession just for today.
22. Everything is going to turn out the way it is supposed to - even though I have no control over it.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Expectations and Consequences
I want to be sure what we've said so far is clear. We haven't had any input from you as to consequences so we have just decided some on our own. We would have liked your participation in this process. We are happy to support you to the best of our ability if you are working towards lifelong goals and recovery, but you have to understand that times are tougher than before. You told us than that it would be helpful for you to have structure - seeking a job and doing chores to help with YOUR household will keep you busy and give you life skills. Hopefully, you will also get a sense of satisfaction from becoming more self supporting instead of completely dependent on others financially. We are not helping if we stand by and let you be dependent on us. It's tough for us, but the most loving thing we can do is start letting you experience consequences for not being responsible/contributing to our household more. I've been happy that you've stepped up with cooking recently and have been more communicative. I looked at the contracts/rules and expectations at some sober houses and drew up this based on those examples and from feedback from people in my program. This is not just us being parents but rather fellow adult housemates.
If you want to continue living here, these are our expectations:
**work on your recovery following the suggestions of the treatment center - meetings, sponsor, exercise, healthy eating, structured time, goals
**treat us with respect; use the new communication skills - we all need new behavior and are making an effort in this area - you are often putting up your walls as before treatment
**reasonable schedule - no late weeknights - tell us where you are and when you will return- safety and consideration of others - not because we are parents - but because a normal schedule was enforced during your treatment so it must be important for recovery
**doing most household chores until you get a job - this requires about an hour of time per day depending on what you cook - make shopping list for the cooking; do the shopping; cook all days when you don't have sponsor or aftercare and especially days that I have second job or Al-Anon - so far that is Sun, Wed, Thurs - NO reminders to do these chores
**Spend at least half the day on the job search - workshops to get the skills necessary for conducting a job search; looking for job ads, etc. Show us what you are doing - accountability is important.
**communication - follow what you've been learning; we all need each other's support to get through life
**share plans ahead with us and check our schedules: we need to get you shoes at Penney's and perhaps some workclothes also - as far as I can tell, you and I both have Mondays free - I won't go to yoga at school since I have my own DVD now
**set family meetings for Monday evenings now unless one of us ends up with a job then
**Eat food here mostly - make a shopping list for stuff you want. I'm going to have to cut back on the weekly money. Hoping you'll have a job to pay those expenses and your car insurance plus give me money to put in your college fund
**Do your best to conserve gas, electricity etc. I lost enough income that we are not able to pay all bills from income. Gas - only three nights out during the week and not so much back and forth would be a way to start.
Consequences:
1. gas money only for Tuesday aftercare, Wed. sponsor, and Patricia - if you go to a meeting while you're down there specifically for those appointments, that's ok as long as you're home between 10 and 10:30 weeknights
2. If you choose not to meet these expectations, the normal consequence at a sober house is to leave.
Usual Chores
get the mail
create a shopping list
feed animals
sweep and vaccuum - weekly at least
dust furniture - weekly at least
weeding - as needed - start in front yard
put away dishes; wash any dirty ones - we can't seem to get enough for the dishwasher now
DAILY - job workshop, job contact
Job Earnings: $300 to us for car insurance; pay your own gas and entertainment; pay 1/3 of earnings to your college fund; depending on what you make - up to 1/3 of check towards other expenses of the house so basically: 1/3 to us for expenses; 1/3 to savings for college; 1/3 to you
If you want to continue living here, these are our expectations:
**work on your recovery following the suggestions of the treatment center - meetings, sponsor, exercise, healthy eating, structured time, goals
**treat us with respect; use the new communication skills - we all need new behavior and are making an effort in this area - you are often putting up your walls as before treatment
**reasonable schedule - no late weeknights - tell us where you are and when you will return- safety and consideration of others - not because we are parents - but because a normal schedule was enforced during your treatment so it must be important for recovery
**doing most household chores until you get a job - this requires about an hour of time per day depending on what you cook - make shopping list for the cooking; do the shopping; cook all days when you don't have sponsor or aftercare and especially days that I have second job or Al-Anon - so far that is Sun, Wed, Thurs - NO reminders to do these chores
**Spend at least half the day on the job search - workshops to get the skills necessary for conducting a job search; looking for job ads, etc. Show us what you are doing - accountability is important.
**communication - follow what you've been learning; we all need each other's support to get through life
**share plans ahead with us and check our schedules: we need to get you shoes at Penney's and perhaps some workclothes also - as far as I can tell, you and I both have Mondays free - I won't go to yoga at school since I have my own DVD now
**set family meetings for Monday evenings now unless one of us ends up with a job then
**Eat food here mostly - make a shopping list for stuff you want. I'm going to have to cut back on the weekly money. Hoping you'll have a job to pay those expenses and your car insurance plus give me money to put in your college fund
**Do your best to conserve gas, electricity etc. I lost enough income that we are not able to pay all bills from income. Gas - only three nights out during the week and not so much back and forth would be a way to start.
Consequences:
1. gas money only for Tuesday aftercare, Wed. sponsor, and Patricia - if you go to a meeting while you're down there specifically for those appointments, that's ok as long as you're home between 10 and 10:30 weeknights
2. If you choose not to meet these expectations, the normal consequence at a sober house is to leave.
Usual Chores
get the mail
create a shopping list
feed animals
sweep and vaccuum - weekly at least
dust furniture - weekly at least
weeding - as needed - start in front yard
put away dishes; wash any dirty ones - we can't seem to get enough for the dishwasher now
DAILY - job workshop, job contact
Job Earnings: $300 to us for car insurance; pay your own gas and entertainment; pay 1/3 of earnings to your college fund; depending on what you make - up to 1/3 of check towards other expenses of the house so basically: 1/3 to us for expenses; 1/3 to savings for college; 1/3 to you
Monday, September 12, 2011
Fourth Step Book: Character Traits
1. Aware of others or self centered? a. Do I try to become less preoccupied with myself by getting interested in things outside myself? b. Can I see that being helpful to others is a way out of my dilemma? c. Are my responsibilities to myself kept in good balance with my desire to reach out to others?
Response: I am aware of others, but I can tend to be self centered. I have developed interests outside of myself which require me to be of service to others. I get out of my head more and have found support with these groups. I don't have as much time to analyze when I am busy. I tend to keep myself busy, but I think sometimes that is so I can avoid depression. I have had a tendency to take on too many responsibilities so I have tried to back off and look at what is really my task in the groups. I am so grateful to have friends now. It was too easy to isolate and say that I didn't need anyone. I can keep myself quite busy, but I have found that it is nice to do things with others. I missed that without realizing it. I had so many disappointments with commitment phobes that I just gave up on people. I didn't forgive myself if for some reason I wanted to drop out of something. Now I can give myself that permission.
2/13/13: I realize how much I wanted to be part of a community. I am thankful I found the church and Al-Anon, but I have to beware of expectations. I had high hopes for the hiking group meeting those belonging needs, but most of them aren't that commited/not looking for the same thing I am so I have to enjoy it for what it is - activity. The church and Al-Anon are more suited to that need to belong.
2. Helpful to others or self indulgent? a. Do I enjoy going out of my way for others, or am I constantly expecting others to go out of their way for me? b. Have I considered helping out at my Al-Anon group by accepting a responsibility?
I never expect others to go out of their way for me. I feel guilty asking someone to do something for me. I'm learning that it is ok to ask for help but not cross boundaries. The one exception is my husband. I ask him to shop or get gas because I don't do well with time lost to those chores, waiting in line, etc. He doesn't mind that kind of thing. I have tried to help at Al-Anon by chairing sometimes and also set up or put away chores. I haven't volunteered for other tasks because my family and hiking group keep me so busy that I am rarely around those dates. It has been a good goal for me to keep to see my sponsor and go Thursday nights. I need to make time for calls, etc., but I'm working on it little by little. I really don't need to keep up with lots of TV shows, but it is seductive. I exercise while watching or just veg. It is a bit self indulgent. I used to be much better about doing chores and obligations before I gave myself me time. I'm getting less and less able to control that. I have put a strict rule on time with TV. Sometimes I keep it; sometimes I don't. It's a goal.
3. Generous or Selfish? a. Do I make an effort to consider the needs of others as well as my own? b. Am I generous with my time in service to others, remembering especially my family members? c. Do I try to share something of myself, my feelings, and my ideas with others?
I would say I'm both. I'm generous of my time with the hiking group and overconsidered their needs for a long time. I also try to take care of my mom at least once a month and call her weekly. I make time for the kids' needs as long as they are considerate of my schedule also. I'm working on not dropping everything for them. Selfish: yes. I don't want to spend more money as too much has gone to kids. I'm doing fairly well with their budget boundaries. I just don't want to be bankrupt. Sometimes I think I get too obsessed with it as I have things I would like for myself but can't really do those until the kids are self supporting. I do share with others. I'm a little reluctant to open myself to my husband and a bit scared of kids. The kids part is getting better, but I have a block about my husband. I just can't seem to respect him. I need to start making more of an effort to be courteous and behave as if I still love him.
4. Thoughtful or self pitying? a. Have I considered that others may have had as difficult a time in life as I? b. Do I steer clear of getting others to feel sorry for me? c. Do I see problems as one of the greatest forces for growth in my life, a real gift from my Higher Power? I would definitely think of myself as a bit self pitying before I came to this program. I honestly couldn't see how anyone couldn't understand my depression or irritability once they knew all I had to deal with. I could empathize with others having a difficult time, but most people I encountered didn't seem to be all that bad off. I was surprised how many others told my story in Al-Anon. I have been learning to put a positive spin on things and stay away from gossip and complaining but rather telling how I am learning to do better and talking about the philosophy of life I am developing and working hard to relearn good listening. I used to be better at that. I fully feel it in my bones now that problems are unavoidable and that my reaction to them is a choice. I put a twist on them to see what the lesson is and what positive is coming out of this. I have come a long way towards moving away from self pity. Even though I look at others and often think they had an easier time, there is no way for me to know that for sure. I'm on the outside looking in. I have heard some stories in Al-Anon that brought me to the realization that perhaps all people suffer in some way - some have more than others, but we can get through it with the help of God and others. I love the FOG - I try to look at it all that way now. I don't need pity from others. Problems are a gift. I am learning to respond to them with less frustration and have come to understand that this is part of life. We cannot escape that. I can learn my lessons and do better each time.
5. Open minded, gracious or smug, stubborn? a. Can I be open-minded and receptive to people with new ideas? b. Can I compromise realistically? c. Can I do things the way another person suggests? I believe I am open minded and receptive to all types of people. I do realize that I can close down a bit if I come into contact with the super conversative or hateful types of people. I enjoy new ideas and discussions. I don't like to listen to anti-gay or ethnic group talk or the anti-choice, pro Bush/Palin types. That is hard for me. I will never be able to tolerate hate. I can compromise most things but sometimes can't stop the thought about someone's intelligence level. I dislike conflict, but I am not running away from it as much as I used to. I can do other people's suggestions and am graceful about saying that I appreciate the suggestion. I may not choose to do that, but usually I try things out because God knows I haven't made the best choices on my own! I am learning to let go and not hang on tenaciously to some method that isn't working. Trying to not be insane - doing something over and over again that obviously is going nowhere. I can definitely be stubborn and smug, but mostly I am saving any contrary behavior for my husband. I have written in my daily affirmations that I will treat him with respect just for today.
6. constructively critical or judgmental? a. Do I avoid taking another person's inventory? b. Have I eliminated the "shoulds" and "oughts" from my vocabulary when talking about others? c. Am I convinced that most people are the way they need to be at present, not necessarily the way they would like to be? I am guilty of being judgmental at times or certainly at least overly critical - mainly of husband, but I engaged in a lot of idle gossip about the behavior of other members of my family or a couple of friends. I have cut that out and catch myself if I'm getting sucked in again. I catch the "shoulds" and "oughts" now even if I can't quite stop them from coming out of my mouth! That statement about people being as they need to be at the moment is a toughie. I'd like change to happen yesterday! Patience is not completely a virtue for me.
7. Respectful or Disrespectful? a. Do I respect the feelings and experiences of others? b. Have I developed some sense of my right to be treated with dignity? c. Can I balance my need to fulfill myself as a person with knowledge of the same need in others? Yes, I think I am sensitive and caring about others' feelings and experiences. I am learning to stand up for myself if someone is being rude to me and saying that it is not ok to treat me in such a manner. I am trying hard to be nice to other drivers (even the assholes) and to everyone with whom I come in contact - no matter how nasty or unreasonable I think their stand is. I'm trying to think that maybe they're sick or their day has been bad and remain calm and courteous myself.
8. Patient or Impatient? a. Do I have patience with myself while maintaining a healthy form of self discipline?
b. Can I patiently teach others what I have learned, appreciating their willingness to learn? c. Do I realize that in being patient I am allowing my Higher Power to work through time to give me the guidance that I need?
I'm not always so patient, but I am improving. Self discipline used to be my strong suit; now I find it a little too easy to neglect chores and just veg or do something I want to rather than something I need to do. I'm trying to push myself to do 30 minutes per day of something unpleasant at home such as filing or cleaning. I have a hard time getting to the yard work also. I let my fun time take over as I'm gone so often. It's now getting to be the season of staying home. I am trying to be still more often in order to hear that guidance from my HP.
9. Tolerant or Intolerant? a. Can I be accommodating and still maintain my respect? b. Do I avoid condescending attitudes towards others? c. Do I realize that my feelings of frustration are decreased as I increase my tolerance? d. Do I understand the reality is what is happening, not what I "think" or "feel" is happening? e. Can I see that facing the truth alone means not having to deal with dozens of imagined troubles? f. Do I believe what is real is happening only one day at a time? Accommodating and retaining respect are sometimes challenging as I tend to bend over too far for others - particularly children. This maybe a lifelong job of trying to have an appropriate boundary. I get annoyed by others who act helpless, and I feel the attitude on my part, but I don't think I show disrespect. I do find it irritating that someone would rather spend time writing an e-mail about a hike when the question was already answered in the blurb on the website and/or it was faster for them to look up info themselves. I have decided that the best way to deal with these is simply not to respond for at least 24 hours so they take their own responsibility. Yes, it is better not to assume and to discuss my perspective and see the other perspective before getting upset about it and anxious over some imagined attitude or feeling on the part of another. Real is only now. The rest is past to learn from but let go; the future hasn't happened. I am working on being better at waiting and finding ways to deal with the anxiety about the unknown. Reading the literature tends to calm me.
10. Reasonable or Unreasonable? a. Do I try to reason things through rather than act on impulse? b. do I try to hear a full story before drawing my conclusions? c. Can I give others the benefit of the doubt? I am rather impatient. I tend to act/think quickly, but I realize I need to spend more time waiting for the complete information. I usually assume everyone acts out of good motives unless I know otherwise. This is an area for more work. I truly need to reach for the phone and run things by others for ideas of what they would do in that situation because I think it helps me sort it out. I'd rather do that than have to make amends later.
11. Assertive vs Submissive? a. Do I act on my own behalf and set my own goals? b. Do I make my own decisions? c. Can I resist giving in just to keep peace when my own welfare and integrity are involved? I set goals and make decisions, but I am often gave in to keep the peace in the past. I am working on keeping the courage and the faith to stand up for my rights now and maintain those boundaries. I am a leader in many ways, but I did let people act unreasonably without fighting it. I have had a difficult time expressing my opinion or being completely myself with certain people as I still have that need to be liked and get approval.
12. Cooperative vs Domineering: a. Do I try to understand another's positions even though I may not agree with it? b. Can I work well with others in a group? c. Can I accept the leadership of others? d. Do I lead by example as well as by words? Yes - if it's not my husband or someone with whom I have some bad history. I work wonderfully with most people in a group as I'm willing to follow leadership and take others' suggestions as well as be the leader. I try to put my money where my mouth is. I know that sometimes I have become overinvested in a plan I've made and didn't like last minute changes by others, but when I roll with the flow, things have always been ok.
13. Outgoing vs Withdrawn: a. Am I comfortable in my social interactions with others? b. Do I realize that others may benefit from my shared experience? c. Do I get involved in the affairs of the world, my community, and my family? (bottom p. 39) I did isolate a lot. I felt others couldn't really like me, I was too busy, so I only had family and had let friendships lag. I realized my mom wasn't going to be around forever and about 4 years ago I began building a hiking network. The greatest side benefit - supportive friends for life. I hadn't realized how much I missed that until I had friends again. I don't ever want to give that up. I feel pretty comfortable as now I realize that I can find something in common with others. I get somewhat involved in community affairs. I tend to be an introvert, but with the years, I have become more comfortable socializing.
14. Forgiving vs. Resentful a. Do I see making a list of resentments as a first step toward rooting out these resentments? b. Once a conflict is over and I have expressed my anger, can I let go? c. Can I be understanding if AA occupies a good deal of the time of the newly-sober alcoholic? Yes. Now that I have looked at my resentments and understand that resentments allow me to see where I need to work, I feel less resentful and frustrated. I usually blew and then it was over, but sometimes if I feel I was unjustly treated, I think about it a lot. Little by little, I'm letting that go. If I go read material, my mind gets occupied by recovery. I understand my daughter has little time for me, but I would like it if she at least tried to have a real relationship. I am happy if I know the time is going to her program.
15. Trusting vs. Suspicious: a. Can i give others the benefit of the doubt? b. Can I take a chance on being disappointed in order to invest in a new relationship> c. Do I avoid always searching for a hidden motive in what others do? I feel I can give others the benefit of the doubt meaning that I don't look for negative motives in all actions. I also am willing to put myself out there and meet new people. I often meet new people through the hiking websites. I have made some great connections/friends who are willing to deal with my defects and assist me with growth. I am learning not to be so desperate that I ignore any "bells" about someone just so I can have company on the trail.
16, Trustworthy or Prone to Gossip: a. Do I avoid discussing another's problems under the guise of it being "for their own good"? b. Do I avoid tattling on others? c. Do I see protecting confidences as an essential part of the Al-Anon program and as a hallmark of a mature person? I have talked about my kids or husband as it is my way of processing, but I am limiting now who hears what I have to say about them. I realize they want to safeguard their privacy and don't want the whole word to know it. I also avoid talking about specifics with Al-Anon other than to say I heard something that resonated with me or in general that the program is super helpful. Talking about something that happened can be a way to vent, but I have promised my daughter that I would confine it to Al-Anon people and not discuss her elsewhere without her permission. I have been doing well with this boundary. I was way too gossipy in the past and way too easy with my mouth. This bugged my kids - just as it bugged me when my mom used to do that to me - spread my business all around - so I'm working hard on reearning their trust and keeping things private. My son tested me years ago, and I passed that test. It was hard as what he said was unbelievable for me, but I didn't say anything. However, there were other things that I shared too easily.
17. Content vs Envious: a. Do I make a conscious effort to count my blessings? b. Can I enjoy the good fortune of others? c. Can I avoid blaming others and try to improve my own circumstances? Yes, whenever I feel those envy/self pity feelings resurfacing, I remind myself to count my blessings and actually start listing them in my head or outloud to myself. It does help me to feel genuinely happy for others rather than feeling sad that I don't have that in my life. I no longer blame others for my circumstances. I had a hand in creating them and some things just are. I'm learning what I can improve - but mainly it's a matter of consciously being aware and working on changing my reactions and negative attitudes. Long ago I blamed my father for everything, but it did no good. It didn't change my life.
18. Agreeable vs Disagreeable? a. Do I look for the best in each situation and person that I encounter? b. Do I avoid arguing simply for the sake of arguing? c. Do I avoid the use of sarcasm when others do not share my views? I tend to look for the best now, but that was not the case before. I still get hooked into arguing with everything my husband says. I used to do that to my grandmother. Something about her caused me to want to go against her; same with him. ACTUALLY, it is something about me that reacts in that way. I still don't understand what it is. I do my best not to be sarcastic. True humor can lighten the interaction, but
19. Cheerful vs Depressed a. Do I avoid blaming others for my unhappiness? b. Can I understand why Abraham Lincoln said, "most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be"? c. Do I recover quickly from disappointment? I used to blame others, but now I realize I have a choice in the matter. In the end, I am responsible for my own attitude. I still have down days, but that's ok. Most of the time I feel at peace. I apply slogans to my feelings but am working on trying to remember that I still need to let myself feel that emotion. I can't just rationalize it away to comfort myself. I need to feel it; then I can move forward.
20. Courteous vs Discourteous: a. Do I listen attentively when others are talking or am I just waiting for my turn to speak? b. Am I considerate of others in my use of language and the tone and pitch of my voice? c. Do I know the difference between asking for help and imposing? I don't always listen attentively. I do try to think what I might say. I also can wander off in my mind if I am not careful. I try to stay focused. I am considerate with language and tone and pitch of voice. I am more likely to have a problem asking for help for fear of imposing than actually being guilty of imposing on someone's time. I am so jealous of my own free time that I tend to feel others might have those same feelings about their time off. I have a hard time saying that I need anything from anyone.
21 (p 41) Kind vs Unkind: a. Do I treat others kindly, considering their feelings? b. Do I try to refrain from saying anything if I find it difficult to be kind? c. Do I see value in simply lending a listening ear to someone in need? I do not say anything if I feel it might hurt the person. I often can't be honest because of this need to be diplomatic. However, I think this is better than the completely direct person who has no thought of the impact of his/her words at all. I also think it's better to be quiet if I can't find a kind way to share my truth. I realize the value of just listening as I so appreciate that characteristic in others. I used to want to help solve it, but I remember how irritated I get when someone does that to be. To be truly heard is a gift I can give. It just takes a shift for me to remember that being there in the moment is the best way to help.
22. Loving and Caring vs Indifferent a. Do I avoid an I don't care attitude about others, realizing that indifference is often crueler than outright rejection? b. Do I try to avoid being overbearing and overprotective? c. Can I accept the loves which others offer me? I do my best to avoid that attitude. One of my big defects is impatience and an obsession about time so I tend to rush through life. I have been forcing myself to say "easy does it" as a few minutes late or a few minutes out of my day are well spent if I could say something kind that lifts another's spirits. Indifference is hurtful. I know that because I treat my husband that way, and I can see that it hurts. I have a daily affirmation to be kind and respectful to him even when I don't want to be. I am aware of when I'm being overbearing and overprotective and trying to stop those. Love is hard for me to accept because I learned from my father that love was to be earned. Sometimes I don't feel I've earned it; yet I don't want to be that way towards others so I need to love myself and realize that I am lovable and that sometimes I can't return the favors someone has done for me but maybe I CAN pay them forward by loving others and doing things for them that I know brings a smile.
23. Discreet vs Lacking Discretion a. Am I conscientious and tactful in my interactions with others, always considering their feelings? b. Do I avoid overtalking a point? c. Have I considered listening to myself as a means of developing a sense of discretion? I can be overly tactful (to the point of being frozen about saying a word) and find many ways to make a point, but I have definitely been an overtalker in the past - to the point that children stop listening. It is tough for me, but I am implementing a "tell once then let go and let God" philosophy to the best of my ability.
24. Stable vs Panicky, violent a. Do I work to avoid wide swings in my mood? b. Are my feelings expressed in appropriate ways? c. Am I sensitive to the feelings of others in a healthy way? d. Do I use silence to help me regain stability and composure? Normally, I don't have wide swings. Once in awhile, when I let myself obsess and insomnia periods mean I feel my life is unmanageable; I'm more likely to experience quick emotional changes then. I am pretty careful about changing to "I" statements instead of blaming, criticizing, feeling sorry for myself types of ways to get what I want. I am sensitive to others but not as overly so as I used to be when I took on that person's pain as my own. I am learning that being silent and walking away to give myself peaceful thinking time is a good way to deal with anxiety. I quote slogans to myself if I am swinging. I also practice yoga breathing. Exercise helps stabilize my mood as does eating well - no sugar, white flour, caffeine, or alcohol.
25. Consistent vs Inconsistent: a. Do I try to say what I mean and mean what I say? b. Do I do what I have promised to do? c. Can I be counted on to act the same way when faced with the same situation on different occasions? I am trying to state my truth simply and stick with it. I know I have been pretty inconsistent in the past about stating and maintaining boundaries. When I am exhausted, I tend to give up. I am great about follow through on promises as I feel a strong obligation to keep my commitments to others. I am reliable - I can be counted on to keep a level head in a crisis and to always be there for the person who needs me. I also go to work and keep my head in many different situations. I try to provide organization and predictability.
26. Sincere vs Insincere: a. Do I try to be myself, avoiding putting on a front to impress others? b. Do I avoid paying compliments when I don't mean them? c. Do I avoid manipulating people by telling them what they want to hear instead of what I really think or feel? I have never been one to be a phony. I don't lie well. Sometimes I have wanted to impress others, but I don't put on a phony front. I may try a bit harder with strangers, but it's always real. I avoid false compliments as I know I can spot phoniness so most others can also. I have told people what they want to hear but it mostly contained my truth - just indirectly if I feared some negative reaction. I have an intense dislike for phoniness as I can't tell what the person's real feelings are so it's impossible to trust such people on a deep level.
27. Honest vs dishonest a. Am I honest with myself about my motives? b. Do I avoid rationalizing or justifying my faults? c. Can I keep from telling lies, even small ones? d. Can I be straightforward with others, letting them know me as I am? e. Am I careful never to be hostile or vicious under the guise of honesty? I am hostile or vicious only with my husband. I feel bad about that. He gets the worst of me. I don't usually lie as I'm not good at it. When I've tried, everyone saw through it. As I get older, I really don't seem to care as much what people think so they get the true me. It's relaxing. I just accept that I and everyone else have some faults. It doesn't matter where they came from. I am honest about my motives. I sometimes can see that something is selfish even though I think I'm doing it for others. It serves a purpose for me also, and I admit that.
28. Willing to admit faults/self-righteous: a. Can I admit to myself and others when I am wrong? b. Do I avoid following up an apology with an excuse for my behavior? c. have I grown past the point where I rationalize and claim my bad behavior is reasonable because of my situation? a. Yes. b. I am doing better about not making the excuse. I always felt I had to justify every mistake. I no longer blame behavior on people or situations. I can make the choice to behave in a kind manner.
29. Humber vs Arrogant: a. Am I a gracious winner? b. Am I aware that being humble is having an honest appraisal of myself? c. do I know that a humbling experience is never a humiliating one? d. Have I learned that humility is a sens of proportion between me and my HP? a. Yes, I never rub things in people's faces. I go out of my way not to do that. I feel I have a pretty good picture of myself. I understand that humble and humiliating are quite different things. Humility means I don't try to force my will on God. I will do what I can to help myself but in the end, it is up to my HP in terms of my life's plan.
30. Calm vs Worrisome: a. Can I share others' problems without worrying about them? b. Do I realize that action is often an antidote to worry? c. do I use the Serenity Prayer to find a sense of peace? a. It is hard not to let my kids' troubles go by without worry so I use the literature, serenity prayer, meetings, and sponser to help me regain my perspective and tranquility. I feel better if I pick up the phone and work it through also.
31. Relaxed vs Tense: a. Do I avoid using chemical substances, unless prescribed by a physician, to achieve a state of relaxation? b. Is there something tht I really enjoy doing that will help me relax? c. Can I realize that a realistic amount of tension in most situations makes me keen and more able to function well? d. Can I use the slogan "easy does it" to my advantage? a. I have dreadful insomnia and am on Ambien - doctor prescribed. I rarely use other substances - not even caffeine although sweets when under my nose can be a hard call to resist. I have used "easy does it" many times when I feel my anxiety or frustration levels rising. If I have no tension, I don't seem to motivate myself to do much so "eustress" is a good thing for me as long as I don't cross the line into obsession and anxiety.
32. Confident, having faith vs fearful, apprehensive: a. Have I ever listed and analyzed my fears? b. do I see the value in talking to someone about my fears? c. Can I accept a certain amount of insecurity in my life without fearing that everything will fall apart? a. Yes. Most of them are future tripping/unfounded - possible but not likely scenarios. It helps to talk to someone who can see that. My husband is much more anxious than I am so he is not good for me. I'm working on accepting that fact that insecurity and anxiety about the future is normal if I don't begin to obsess. I can talk myself down by reminding myself that we still can make payments and eat.
33. Hopeful vs Despondent: a. Can I start each day with hopes of making it better than the one before? b. Am I willing to do what I can to fulfill my hopes? c. do I believe in a HP who can help me find a better, happier way of life? a. I can start the day deciding it will be a good one. That's challenging with migraines and insomnia, but most of the time I am managing to start off the day with a decent can do attitude. I do my best to help myself to meet my goals, but ultimately it is up to my HP. If I listen, I now I can be more accepting and serene, but that doesn't mean I will just sit back and do nothing to better my situation. I have always had hope.
34. Optimistic vs Pessimistic: a. Do I try to expect the best in each situation I encounter? b. Do I give myself a chance to have a bright future? c. do I try to share the best part of myself in my relationships with others? a. That has been difficult for me, but I am learning a new way to think. I am much more optimistic. I tell myself I deserve to have good things happen and that setbacks are lessons and that my HP has something better in store for me even though I can't see it. At worst, it's an FOG!
35. living for today vs living in the past, worrying about the future a. Have I done all I can to rid myself of guilt feelings about the past? b. Do I exercise all my senses in a positive way? c. Am I willing to apply the "just for today" concepts in my life? This is one of my biggest defects - the inability to stay in the present. I don't waste much time on the past, but I tend to get consumed by something that might happen in the future. I am working to let both go as obsessing does me no good - just contributes to sleep deprivation and unhappiness for things over which I have no control. I can't go back to change what has happened; nor can I see the future. I am still stuck somewhere in my mind and have to force myself back to the present so that I notice the good things and beauty around me. I remind myself about "just for today", but this area needs a lot more work and reminders. I easily space out. I need to remember to ask my HP for assistance with this one daily!!
36. industrious vs lazy a. Do I realize that willingness to do something is the first step toward actually doing it? b. Can I stick to a task once I've started it? c. Do I have an organized way of tackling my duties? Yes. I am willing to change, and I mostly stick to tasks once started. I sometimes have trouble getting started with unpleasant tasks, but I do them. I make a list of what needs to be done; otherwise, I will forget. I need to check my calendar daily and put together a daily planner with a plan for eating, etc. Otherwise, I eat too much and don't finish what I need to finish.
37. Prompt vs Procrastinating: a. Do I try to avoid thoughtless delay in actions or decisions because of laziness or carelessness? b. Do I realize that procrastination often leads to justification for missed opportunities? c. Am I aware that being late shows disrespect for those waiting for me? Yes, I have had trouble finding energy these days, but I have kept up on the job search and most tasks at home. I've let the hiking group go for the most part as I just haven't had the time recently. Some people are taking up the slack. I meet deadlines for applications, etc. as I don't want to miss any opportunities. I jump right on things like looking for property to be sure I don't miss out on something. I am rarely more than a couple minutes late. I dislike tardiness. It was "beaten" into me to be careful about time. I wouldn't dream of expecting others to wait on me unless something unexpected happened. I do not make a habit of being really late. I also would call in that case to be considerate.
38. Purposeful vs Aimless: a. Do I still care enough to make changes in my life? b. Do I have a purpose in life? c. Can I discipline myself in a healthy and comfortable way so that I can accomplish things?
39. Responsible vs Irresponsible? a. Can I be trusted with responsibility? b. Have I learned to say "no" at times? c. Do I avoid feeling responsible "for" others' lives but see myself as having a responsibility to others?
40. Using talents and abilities vs. Disinterested in Self a. Do I appreciate my talents and abilities? b. Can I discipline myself enough to develop these talents and abilities? c. Do I realize that these are gifts and use them in service to my HP and fellow humanity?
41. Thankful vs ungrateful: a. Am I thankful for current blessings? b. Have I ever considered making a list of things I am grateful for? c. Do I take time to express my thanks to my HP?
42. Willing to continue to seek emotional and spiritual balance vs smug/complacent: a. Do I know that I won't have finished " the job" when I do manage to complete the fourth step?
Response: I am aware of others, but I can tend to be self centered. I have developed interests outside of myself which require me to be of service to others. I get out of my head more and have found support with these groups. I don't have as much time to analyze when I am busy. I tend to keep myself busy, but I think sometimes that is so I can avoid depression. I have had a tendency to take on too many responsibilities so I have tried to back off and look at what is really my task in the groups. I am so grateful to have friends now. It was too easy to isolate and say that I didn't need anyone. I can keep myself quite busy, but I have found that it is nice to do things with others. I missed that without realizing it. I had so many disappointments with commitment phobes that I just gave up on people. I didn't forgive myself if for some reason I wanted to drop out of something. Now I can give myself that permission.
2/13/13: I realize how much I wanted to be part of a community. I am thankful I found the church and Al-Anon, but I have to beware of expectations. I had high hopes for the hiking group meeting those belonging needs, but most of them aren't that commited/not looking for the same thing I am so I have to enjoy it for what it is - activity. The church and Al-Anon are more suited to that need to belong.
2. Helpful to others or self indulgent? a. Do I enjoy going out of my way for others, or am I constantly expecting others to go out of their way for me? b. Have I considered helping out at my Al-Anon group by accepting a responsibility?
I never expect others to go out of their way for me. I feel guilty asking someone to do something for me. I'm learning that it is ok to ask for help but not cross boundaries. The one exception is my husband. I ask him to shop or get gas because I don't do well with time lost to those chores, waiting in line, etc. He doesn't mind that kind of thing. I have tried to help at Al-Anon by chairing sometimes and also set up or put away chores. I haven't volunteered for other tasks because my family and hiking group keep me so busy that I am rarely around those dates. It has been a good goal for me to keep to see my sponsor and go Thursday nights. I need to make time for calls, etc., but I'm working on it little by little. I really don't need to keep up with lots of TV shows, but it is seductive. I exercise while watching or just veg. It is a bit self indulgent. I used to be much better about doing chores and obligations before I gave myself me time. I'm getting less and less able to control that. I have put a strict rule on time with TV. Sometimes I keep it; sometimes I don't. It's a goal.
3. Generous or Selfish? a. Do I make an effort to consider the needs of others as well as my own? b. Am I generous with my time in service to others, remembering especially my family members? c. Do I try to share something of myself, my feelings, and my ideas with others?
I would say I'm both. I'm generous of my time with the hiking group and overconsidered their needs for a long time. I also try to take care of my mom at least once a month and call her weekly. I make time for the kids' needs as long as they are considerate of my schedule also. I'm working on not dropping everything for them. Selfish: yes. I don't want to spend more money as too much has gone to kids. I'm doing fairly well with their budget boundaries. I just don't want to be bankrupt. Sometimes I think I get too obsessed with it as I have things I would like for myself but can't really do those until the kids are self supporting. I do share with others. I'm a little reluctant to open myself to my husband and a bit scared of kids. The kids part is getting better, but I have a block about my husband. I just can't seem to respect him. I need to start making more of an effort to be courteous and behave as if I still love him.
4. Thoughtful or self pitying? a. Have I considered that others may have had as difficult a time in life as I? b. Do I steer clear of getting others to feel sorry for me? c. Do I see problems as one of the greatest forces for growth in my life, a real gift from my Higher Power? I would definitely think of myself as a bit self pitying before I came to this program. I honestly couldn't see how anyone couldn't understand my depression or irritability once they knew all I had to deal with. I could empathize with others having a difficult time, but most people I encountered didn't seem to be all that bad off. I was surprised how many others told my story in Al-Anon. I have been learning to put a positive spin on things and stay away from gossip and complaining but rather telling how I am learning to do better and talking about the philosophy of life I am developing and working hard to relearn good listening. I used to be better at that. I fully feel it in my bones now that problems are unavoidable and that my reaction to them is a choice. I put a twist on them to see what the lesson is and what positive is coming out of this. I have come a long way towards moving away from self pity. Even though I look at others and often think they had an easier time, there is no way for me to know that for sure. I'm on the outside looking in. I have heard some stories in Al-Anon that brought me to the realization that perhaps all people suffer in some way - some have more than others, but we can get through it with the help of God and others. I love the FOG - I try to look at it all that way now. I don't need pity from others. Problems are a gift. I am learning to respond to them with less frustration and have come to understand that this is part of life. We cannot escape that. I can learn my lessons and do better each time.
5. Open minded, gracious or smug, stubborn? a. Can I be open-minded and receptive to people with new ideas? b. Can I compromise realistically? c. Can I do things the way another person suggests? I believe I am open minded and receptive to all types of people. I do realize that I can close down a bit if I come into contact with the super conversative or hateful types of people. I enjoy new ideas and discussions. I don't like to listen to anti-gay or ethnic group talk or the anti-choice, pro Bush/Palin types. That is hard for me. I will never be able to tolerate hate. I can compromise most things but sometimes can't stop the thought about someone's intelligence level. I dislike conflict, but I am not running away from it as much as I used to. I can do other people's suggestions and am graceful about saying that I appreciate the suggestion. I may not choose to do that, but usually I try things out because God knows I haven't made the best choices on my own! I am learning to let go and not hang on tenaciously to some method that isn't working. Trying to not be insane - doing something over and over again that obviously is going nowhere. I can definitely be stubborn and smug, but mostly I am saving any contrary behavior for my husband. I have written in my daily affirmations that I will treat him with respect just for today.
6. constructively critical or judgmental? a. Do I avoid taking another person's inventory? b. Have I eliminated the "shoulds" and "oughts" from my vocabulary when talking about others? c. Am I convinced that most people are the way they need to be at present, not necessarily the way they would like to be? I am guilty of being judgmental at times or certainly at least overly critical - mainly of husband, but I engaged in a lot of idle gossip about the behavior of other members of my family or a couple of friends. I have cut that out and catch myself if I'm getting sucked in again. I catch the "shoulds" and "oughts" now even if I can't quite stop them from coming out of my mouth! That statement about people being as they need to be at the moment is a toughie. I'd like change to happen yesterday! Patience is not completely a virtue for me.
7. Respectful or Disrespectful? a. Do I respect the feelings and experiences of others? b. Have I developed some sense of my right to be treated with dignity? c. Can I balance my need to fulfill myself as a person with knowledge of the same need in others? Yes, I think I am sensitive and caring about others' feelings and experiences. I am learning to stand up for myself if someone is being rude to me and saying that it is not ok to treat me in such a manner. I am trying hard to be nice to other drivers (even the assholes) and to everyone with whom I come in contact - no matter how nasty or unreasonable I think their stand is. I'm trying to think that maybe they're sick or their day has been bad and remain calm and courteous myself.
8. Patient or Impatient? a. Do I have patience with myself while maintaining a healthy form of self discipline?
b. Can I patiently teach others what I have learned, appreciating their willingness to learn? c. Do I realize that in being patient I am allowing my Higher Power to work through time to give me the guidance that I need?
I'm not always so patient, but I am improving. Self discipline used to be my strong suit; now I find it a little too easy to neglect chores and just veg or do something I want to rather than something I need to do. I'm trying to push myself to do 30 minutes per day of something unpleasant at home such as filing or cleaning. I have a hard time getting to the yard work also. I let my fun time take over as I'm gone so often. It's now getting to be the season of staying home. I am trying to be still more often in order to hear that guidance from my HP.
9. Tolerant or Intolerant? a. Can I be accommodating and still maintain my respect? b. Do I avoid condescending attitudes towards others? c. Do I realize that my feelings of frustration are decreased as I increase my tolerance? d. Do I understand the reality is what is happening, not what I "think" or "feel" is happening? e. Can I see that facing the truth alone means not having to deal with dozens of imagined troubles? f. Do I believe what is real is happening only one day at a time? Accommodating and retaining respect are sometimes challenging as I tend to bend over too far for others - particularly children. This maybe a lifelong job of trying to have an appropriate boundary. I get annoyed by others who act helpless, and I feel the attitude on my part, but I don't think I show disrespect. I do find it irritating that someone would rather spend time writing an e-mail about a hike when the question was already answered in the blurb on the website and/or it was faster for them to look up info themselves. I have decided that the best way to deal with these is simply not to respond for at least 24 hours so they take their own responsibility. Yes, it is better not to assume and to discuss my perspective and see the other perspective before getting upset about it and anxious over some imagined attitude or feeling on the part of another. Real is only now. The rest is past to learn from but let go; the future hasn't happened. I am working on being better at waiting and finding ways to deal with the anxiety about the unknown. Reading the literature tends to calm me.
10. Reasonable or Unreasonable? a. Do I try to reason things through rather than act on impulse? b. do I try to hear a full story before drawing my conclusions? c. Can I give others the benefit of the doubt? I am rather impatient. I tend to act/think quickly, but I realize I need to spend more time waiting for the complete information. I usually assume everyone acts out of good motives unless I know otherwise. This is an area for more work. I truly need to reach for the phone and run things by others for ideas of what they would do in that situation because I think it helps me sort it out. I'd rather do that than have to make amends later.
11. Assertive vs Submissive? a. Do I act on my own behalf and set my own goals? b. Do I make my own decisions? c. Can I resist giving in just to keep peace when my own welfare and integrity are involved? I set goals and make decisions, but I am often gave in to keep the peace in the past. I am working on keeping the courage and the faith to stand up for my rights now and maintain those boundaries. I am a leader in many ways, but I did let people act unreasonably without fighting it. I have had a difficult time expressing my opinion or being completely myself with certain people as I still have that need to be liked and get approval.
12. Cooperative vs Domineering: a. Do I try to understand another's positions even though I may not agree with it? b. Can I work well with others in a group? c. Can I accept the leadership of others? d. Do I lead by example as well as by words? Yes - if it's not my husband or someone with whom I have some bad history. I work wonderfully with most people in a group as I'm willing to follow leadership and take others' suggestions as well as be the leader. I try to put my money where my mouth is. I know that sometimes I have become overinvested in a plan I've made and didn't like last minute changes by others, but when I roll with the flow, things have always been ok.
13. Outgoing vs Withdrawn: a. Am I comfortable in my social interactions with others? b. Do I realize that others may benefit from my shared experience? c. Do I get involved in the affairs of the world, my community, and my family? (bottom p. 39) I did isolate a lot. I felt others couldn't really like me, I was too busy, so I only had family and had let friendships lag. I realized my mom wasn't going to be around forever and about 4 years ago I began building a hiking network. The greatest side benefit - supportive friends for life. I hadn't realized how much I missed that until I had friends again. I don't ever want to give that up. I feel pretty comfortable as now I realize that I can find something in common with others. I get somewhat involved in community affairs. I tend to be an introvert, but with the years, I have become more comfortable socializing.
14. Forgiving vs. Resentful a. Do I see making a list of resentments as a first step toward rooting out these resentments? b. Once a conflict is over and I have expressed my anger, can I let go? c. Can I be understanding if AA occupies a good deal of the time of the newly-sober alcoholic? Yes. Now that I have looked at my resentments and understand that resentments allow me to see where I need to work, I feel less resentful and frustrated. I usually blew and then it was over, but sometimes if I feel I was unjustly treated, I think about it a lot. Little by little, I'm letting that go. If I go read material, my mind gets occupied by recovery. I understand my daughter has little time for me, but I would like it if she at least tried to have a real relationship. I am happy if I know the time is going to her program.
15. Trusting vs. Suspicious: a. Can i give others the benefit of the doubt? b. Can I take a chance on being disappointed in order to invest in a new relationship> c. Do I avoid always searching for a hidden motive in what others do? I feel I can give others the benefit of the doubt meaning that I don't look for negative motives in all actions. I also am willing to put myself out there and meet new people. I often meet new people through the hiking websites. I have made some great connections/friends who are willing to deal with my defects and assist me with growth. I am learning not to be so desperate that I ignore any "bells" about someone just so I can have company on the trail.
16, Trustworthy or Prone to Gossip: a. Do I avoid discussing another's problems under the guise of it being "for their own good"? b. Do I avoid tattling on others? c. Do I see protecting confidences as an essential part of the Al-Anon program and as a hallmark of a mature person? I have talked about my kids or husband as it is my way of processing, but I am limiting now who hears what I have to say about them. I realize they want to safeguard their privacy and don't want the whole word to know it. I also avoid talking about specifics with Al-Anon other than to say I heard something that resonated with me or in general that the program is super helpful. Talking about something that happened can be a way to vent, but I have promised my daughter that I would confine it to Al-Anon people and not discuss her elsewhere without her permission. I have been doing well with this boundary. I was way too gossipy in the past and way too easy with my mouth. This bugged my kids - just as it bugged me when my mom used to do that to me - spread my business all around - so I'm working hard on reearning their trust and keeping things private. My son tested me years ago, and I passed that test. It was hard as what he said was unbelievable for me, but I didn't say anything. However, there were other things that I shared too easily.
17. Content vs Envious: a. Do I make a conscious effort to count my blessings? b. Can I enjoy the good fortune of others? c. Can I avoid blaming others and try to improve my own circumstances? Yes, whenever I feel those envy/self pity feelings resurfacing, I remind myself to count my blessings and actually start listing them in my head or outloud to myself. It does help me to feel genuinely happy for others rather than feeling sad that I don't have that in my life. I no longer blame others for my circumstances. I had a hand in creating them and some things just are. I'm learning what I can improve - but mainly it's a matter of consciously being aware and working on changing my reactions and negative attitudes. Long ago I blamed my father for everything, but it did no good. It didn't change my life.
18. Agreeable vs Disagreeable? a. Do I look for the best in each situation and person that I encounter? b. Do I avoid arguing simply for the sake of arguing? c. Do I avoid the use of sarcasm when others do not share my views? I tend to look for the best now, but that was not the case before. I still get hooked into arguing with everything my husband says. I used to do that to my grandmother. Something about her caused me to want to go against her; same with him. ACTUALLY, it is something about me that reacts in that way. I still don't understand what it is. I do my best not to be sarcastic. True humor can lighten the interaction, but
19. Cheerful vs Depressed a. Do I avoid blaming others for my unhappiness? b. Can I understand why Abraham Lincoln said, "most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be"? c. Do I recover quickly from disappointment? I used to blame others, but now I realize I have a choice in the matter. In the end, I am responsible for my own attitude. I still have down days, but that's ok. Most of the time I feel at peace. I apply slogans to my feelings but am working on trying to remember that I still need to let myself feel that emotion. I can't just rationalize it away to comfort myself. I need to feel it; then I can move forward.
20. Courteous vs Discourteous: a. Do I listen attentively when others are talking or am I just waiting for my turn to speak? b. Am I considerate of others in my use of language and the tone and pitch of my voice? c. Do I know the difference between asking for help and imposing? I don't always listen attentively. I do try to think what I might say. I also can wander off in my mind if I am not careful. I try to stay focused. I am considerate with language and tone and pitch of voice. I am more likely to have a problem asking for help for fear of imposing than actually being guilty of imposing on someone's time. I am so jealous of my own free time that I tend to feel others might have those same feelings about their time off. I have a hard time saying that I need anything from anyone.
21 (p 41) Kind vs Unkind: a. Do I treat others kindly, considering their feelings? b. Do I try to refrain from saying anything if I find it difficult to be kind? c. Do I see value in simply lending a listening ear to someone in need? I do not say anything if I feel it might hurt the person. I often can't be honest because of this need to be diplomatic. However, I think this is better than the completely direct person who has no thought of the impact of his/her words at all. I also think it's better to be quiet if I can't find a kind way to share my truth. I realize the value of just listening as I so appreciate that characteristic in others. I used to want to help solve it, but I remember how irritated I get when someone does that to be. To be truly heard is a gift I can give. It just takes a shift for me to remember that being there in the moment is the best way to help.
22. Loving and Caring vs Indifferent a. Do I avoid an I don't care attitude about others, realizing that indifference is often crueler than outright rejection? b. Do I try to avoid being overbearing and overprotective? c. Can I accept the loves which others offer me? I do my best to avoid that attitude. One of my big defects is impatience and an obsession about time so I tend to rush through life. I have been forcing myself to say "easy does it" as a few minutes late or a few minutes out of my day are well spent if I could say something kind that lifts another's spirits. Indifference is hurtful. I know that because I treat my husband that way, and I can see that it hurts. I have a daily affirmation to be kind and respectful to him even when I don't want to be. I am aware of when I'm being overbearing and overprotective and trying to stop those. Love is hard for me to accept because I learned from my father that love was to be earned. Sometimes I don't feel I've earned it; yet I don't want to be that way towards others so I need to love myself and realize that I am lovable and that sometimes I can't return the favors someone has done for me but maybe I CAN pay them forward by loving others and doing things for them that I know brings a smile.
23. Discreet vs Lacking Discretion a. Am I conscientious and tactful in my interactions with others, always considering their feelings? b. Do I avoid overtalking a point? c. Have I considered listening to myself as a means of developing a sense of discretion? I can be overly tactful (to the point of being frozen about saying a word) and find many ways to make a point, but I have definitely been an overtalker in the past - to the point that children stop listening. It is tough for me, but I am implementing a "tell once then let go and let God" philosophy to the best of my ability.
24. Stable vs Panicky, violent a. Do I work to avoid wide swings in my mood? b. Are my feelings expressed in appropriate ways? c. Am I sensitive to the feelings of others in a healthy way? d. Do I use silence to help me regain stability and composure? Normally, I don't have wide swings. Once in awhile, when I let myself obsess and insomnia periods mean I feel my life is unmanageable; I'm more likely to experience quick emotional changes then. I am pretty careful about changing to "I" statements instead of blaming, criticizing, feeling sorry for myself types of ways to get what I want. I am sensitive to others but not as overly so as I used to be when I took on that person's pain as my own. I am learning that being silent and walking away to give myself peaceful thinking time is a good way to deal with anxiety. I quote slogans to myself if I am swinging. I also practice yoga breathing. Exercise helps stabilize my mood as does eating well - no sugar, white flour, caffeine, or alcohol.
25. Consistent vs Inconsistent: a. Do I try to say what I mean and mean what I say? b. Do I do what I have promised to do? c. Can I be counted on to act the same way when faced with the same situation on different occasions? I am trying to state my truth simply and stick with it. I know I have been pretty inconsistent in the past about stating and maintaining boundaries. When I am exhausted, I tend to give up. I am great about follow through on promises as I feel a strong obligation to keep my commitments to others. I am reliable - I can be counted on to keep a level head in a crisis and to always be there for the person who needs me. I also go to work and keep my head in many different situations. I try to provide organization and predictability.
26. Sincere vs Insincere: a. Do I try to be myself, avoiding putting on a front to impress others? b. Do I avoid paying compliments when I don't mean them? c. Do I avoid manipulating people by telling them what they want to hear instead of what I really think or feel? I have never been one to be a phony. I don't lie well. Sometimes I have wanted to impress others, but I don't put on a phony front. I may try a bit harder with strangers, but it's always real. I avoid false compliments as I know I can spot phoniness so most others can also. I have told people what they want to hear but it mostly contained my truth - just indirectly if I feared some negative reaction. I have an intense dislike for phoniness as I can't tell what the person's real feelings are so it's impossible to trust such people on a deep level.
27. Honest vs dishonest a. Am I honest with myself about my motives? b. Do I avoid rationalizing or justifying my faults? c. Can I keep from telling lies, even small ones? d. Can I be straightforward with others, letting them know me as I am? e. Am I careful never to be hostile or vicious under the guise of honesty? I am hostile or vicious only with my husband. I feel bad about that. He gets the worst of me. I don't usually lie as I'm not good at it. When I've tried, everyone saw through it. As I get older, I really don't seem to care as much what people think so they get the true me. It's relaxing. I just accept that I and everyone else have some faults. It doesn't matter where they came from. I am honest about my motives. I sometimes can see that something is selfish even though I think I'm doing it for others. It serves a purpose for me also, and I admit that.
28. Willing to admit faults/self-righteous: a. Can I admit to myself and others when I am wrong? b. Do I avoid following up an apology with an excuse for my behavior? c. have I grown past the point where I rationalize and claim my bad behavior is reasonable because of my situation? a. Yes. b. I am doing better about not making the excuse. I always felt I had to justify every mistake. I no longer blame behavior on people or situations. I can make the choice to behave in a kind manner.
29. Humber vs Arrogant: a. Am I a gracious winner? b. Am I aware that being humble is having an honest appraisal of myself? c. do I know that a humbling experience is never a humiliating one? d. Have I learned that humility is a sens of proportion between me and my HP? a. Yes, I never rub things in people's faces. I go out of my way not to do that. I feel I have a pretty good picture of myself. I understand that humble and humiliating are quite different things. Humility means I don't try to force my will on God. I will do what I can to help myself but in the end, it is up to my HP in terms of my life's plan.
30. Calm vs Worrisome: a. Can I share others' problems without worrying about them? b. Do I realize that action is often an antidote to worry? c. do I use the Serenity Prayer to find a sense of peace? a. It is hard not to let my kids' troubles go by without worry so I use the literature, serenity prayer, meetings, and sponser to help me regain my perspective and tranquility. I feel better if I pick up the phone and work it through also.
31. Relaxed vs Tense: a. Do I avoid using chemical substances, unless prescribed by a physician, to achieve a state of relaxation? b. Is there something tht I really enjoy doing that will help me relax? c. Can I realize that a realistic amount of tension in most situations makes me keen and more able to function well? d. Can I use the slogan "easy does it" to my advantage? a. I have dreadful insomnia and am on Ambien - doctor prescribed. I rarely use other substances - not even caffeine although sweets when under my nose can be a hard call to resist. I have used "easy does it" many times when I feel my anxiety or frustration levels rising. If I have no tension, I don't seem to motivate myself to do much so "eustress" is a good thing for me as long as I don't cross the line into obsession and anxiety.
32. Confident, having faith vs fearful, apprehensive: a. Have I ever listed and analyzed my fears? b. do I see the value in talking to someone about my fears? c. Can I accept a certain amount of insecurity in my life without fearing that everything will fall apart? a. Yes. Most of them are future tripping/unfounded - possible but not likely scenarios. It helps to talk to someone who can see that. My husband is much more anxious than I am so he is not good for me. I'm working on accepting that fact that insecurity and anxiety about the future is normal if I don't begin to obsess. I can talk myself down by reminding myself that we still can make payments and eat.
33. Hopeful vs Despondent: a. Can I start each day with hopes of making it better than the one before? b. Am I willing to do what I can to fulfill my hopes? c. do I believe in a HP who can help me find a better, happier way of life? a. I can start the day deciding it will be a good one. That's challenging with migraines and insomnia, but most of the time I am managing to start off the day with a decent can do attitude. I do my best to help myself to meet my goals, but ultimately it is up to my HP. If I listen, I now I can be more accepting and serene, but that doesn't mean I will just sit back and do nothing to better my situation. I have always had hope.
34. Optimistic vs Pessimistic: a. Do I try to expect the best in each situation I encounter? b. Do I give myself a chance to have a bright future? c. do I try to share the best part of myself in my relationships with others? a. That has been difficult for me, but I am learning a new way to think. I am much more optimistic. I tell myself I deserve to have good things happen and that setbacks are lessons and that my HP has something better in store for me even though I can't see it. At worst, it's an FOG!
35. living for today vs living in the past, worrying about the future a. Have I done all I can to rid myself of guilt feelings about the past? b. Do I exercise all my senses in a positive way? c. Am I willing to apply the "just for today" concepts in my life? This is one of my biggest defects - the inability to stay in the present. I don't waste much time on the past, but I tend to get consumed by something that might happen in the future. I am working to let both go as obsessing does me no good - just contributes to sleep deprivation and unhappiness for things over which I have no control. I can't go back to change what has happened; nor can I see the future. I am still stuck somewhere in my mind and have to force myself back to the present so that I notice the good things and beauty around me. I remind myself about "just for today", but this area needs a lot more work and reminders. I easily space out. I need to remember to ask my HP for assistance with this one daily!!
36. industrious vs lazy a. Do I realize that willingness to do something is the first step toward actually doing it? b. Can I stick to a task once I've started it? c. Do I have an organized way of tackling my duties? Yes. I am willing to change, and I mostly stick to tasks once started. I sometimes have trouble getting started with unpleasant tasks, but I do them. I make a list of what needs to be done; otherwise, I will forget. I need to check my calendar daily and put together a daily planner with a plan for eating, etc. Otherwise, I eat too much and don't finish what I need to finish.
37. Prompt vs Procrastinating: a. Do I try to avoid thoughtless delay in actions or decisions because of laziness or carelessness? b. Do I realize that procrastination often leads to justification for missed opportunities? c. Am I aware that being late shows disrespect for those waiting for me? Yes, I have had trouble finding energy these days, but I have kept up on the job search and most tasks at home. I've let the hiking group go for the most part as I just haven't had the time recently. Some people are taking up the slack. I meet deadlines for applications, etc. as I don't want to miss any opportunities. I jump right on things like looking for property to be sure I don't miss out on something. I am rarely more than a couple minutes late. I dislike tardiness. It was "beaten" into me to be careful about time. I wouldn't dream of expecting others to wait on me unless something unexpected happened. I do not make a habit of being really late. I also would call in that case to be considerate.
38. Purposeful vs Aimless: a. Do I still care enough to make changes in my life? b. Do I have a purpose in life? c. Can I discipline myself in a healthy and comfortable way so that I can accomplish things?
39. Responsible vs Irresponsible? a. Can I be trusted with responsibility? b. Have I learned to say "no" at times? c. Do I avoid feeling responsible "for" others' lives but see myself as having a responsibility to others?
40. Using talents and abilities vs. Disinterested in Self a. Do I appreciate my talents and abilities? b. Can I discipline myself enough to develop these talents and abilities? c. Do I realize that these are gifts and use them in service to my HP and fellow humanity?
41. Thankful vs ungrateful: a. Am I thankful for current blessings? b. Have I ever considered making a list of things I am grateful for? c. Do I take time to express my thanks to my HP?
42. Willing to continue to seek emotional and spiritual balance vs smug/complacent: a. Do I know that I won't have finished " the job" when I do manage to complete the fourth step?
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Fourth Step Blue Book: Maturity Section
1. Do I realize that life is not black and white or good and bad, but rather somewhere inbetween? Yes. On bad days, I still see all or nothing, but now I am able to practice self talk and if I feel it coming on, I mentally rehearse my gratitude list. I would benefit from reviewing my affirmations list on the computer also. I can also use slogans and the serenity prayer. I find I don't go as deep with the reminders - esp. just for today as I often spend too much time in the future.
2. Have I let go of the people and situations I cannot change? I use the serenity prayer and remind myself to turn them over and have faith that the situation will work itself out without my losing my sanity by obsessing about it and rehearsing what I will say to get it just right.
3. Can I look honestly at myself? I believe so. I see both good and bad. There may be some things that I am not aware of. I can't remember who set up this square, but one quarter is "known only to others". It's "known to self", known to self and others, can't remember the other one . .
4. Do I let other people know the real me? Only if I know them well. I am still rather reserved. I tend to talk a lot when nervous or just in hyper mode, but a lot of it is deflection. I am becoming better at expressing my truth if I feel it's an appropriate place to share. I think I learned from my mom to talk too much - not always the best place. It scares others if you share too much as I've seen with a former friend who tells everyone she's suicidal when she first meets them. It tends to turn others off.
5. Have I developed a tolerant, easy-going attitude toward myself? It's much better than it was. I tend to still worry about my teaching talent and my lack of ability to make much progress getting my weight back to normal. It's still to easy to give in to all food cravings and eat too much. I feel ravenous a lot so I think I need to force myself to eat more often to keep the blood sugar even. That change could make a big difference. However, I have to lay off myself as when I beat myself up, I tend to run even more to food as a relief.
6. Am I tolerant of others? I am more tolerant of friends than I am about husband and drivers. I think I have a hard time with traffic and waiting in lines as some people aggressively take someone else's place in line or push their way in with a truck. This bothers me so it's my rigidity. I am working on it by self talk to change the behavior and reaction and breathing. I also try to keep reading material with me for lines. It helps me stay calm.
7. Do I treat others with respect? 95% of the time I try to be sweet as I know no-one has it easy. However, my husband gets the brunt of my nastiness. If someone really messes something up, it's hard for me to bite my tongue - esp. if I don't know them. It's never ok to do that. I have really worked at this as it's better to just keep calm than to have to make an amend.
8. Do I avoid using others to get what I want? Mostly. I sometimes need someone's help which is hard for me to admit, and I still get annoyed if they don't do their part in a timely manner. I don't think I would call it using them. I do sometimes catch myself complaining indirectly rather than speaking up honestly and concisely.
9. Do I expect others to make special allowances for my behavior? No. I tend to make special allowances for others' bad behavior but feel extremely guilty if I feel mine wasn't good enough and feel bad if someone does something for me, but I'm trying to accept nice things gracefully and thinking "pay it forward" rather than feeling extremely obligated to pay it back.
10. Do I listen carefully to the opinions of others? I'm not always so good at this. I'm trying to practice the good listening I learn at Al-Anon. I do tend to turn off from the ultra conservative. Free speech sometimes seems it shouldn't be so free as I dislike hate groups. I also tended to turn off if someone said something I didn't want to do/disliked and dismiss it with some denial/self justification, but I'm trying to really hear now as I don't want to miss an opportunity for hearing a great truth from someone.
11. Am I careful not to take myself too seriously? EEK. This one is hard, but I am making progress. I have had a hard time laughing at some situations and still don't like that nasty sense of humor some members of my family have. For example, I was all dolled up for my big 40th birthday party when my brother and cousin thought it would be so funny to spray me completely with some kind of sticky party stuff. I was so unhappy. I have never had my own birthday party since then. I just think people need to think more about how someone might feel - some "jokes" just aren't funny. They always tell me I'm too sensitive. It's partly true I'm sure, but I think that they are also insensitive.
12. Do I have a sense of humor? Yes. However, as explained above, there is some bullying behind my family's sense of humor. My son takes sarcasm too far also. It's guised as humor but is meant to hurt. I try to laugh at my mistakes. Sometimes it's hard.
13. Can I make mistakes without getting angry at myself, realizing that I am human? This is retraining for a lifetime of not being given permission to be imperfect. I hear the self talk now and am working on changing it.
14. Am I able to say "no"? It's getting easier. I am doing better at boundaries and sticking to them. I think we all feel relieved. It has eliminated a lot of resentments.
15. Do I take life's disappointments in stride? Little things tend to aggravate me more than big things, but the program is really helping me to deal with any upset with different self talk and to recognize when I'm overreacting and employ calming tools.
16. Do I bounce back from upsetting situations? Faster than I used to. I am doing better at letting go.
17. Do I try to understand why other people act as they do? Yes, I realize it's their own perception causing them to behave in certain ways. I have always had pretty good insight into others' motivations, but now I see even more clearly than someone's anger is from their own negative feelings and not really really to me. I am learning not to personalize everything.
18. Can I derive satisfaction out of doing my best? Yes. I strive little by little to improve in all areas of my life.
19. Do I avoid finding fault with all my accomplishments? I tend to add that little qualifier and then tell myself to stop and just be happy.
20. Can I rejoice in the good fortune of others? Yes. For awhile, I felt envious of others who seemed to have perfect families and happy times. I'm learning to create those or to let go of those needs/expectations that my kids will want to attend graduation, have their grad picture taken, have a wedding, etc. I so looked forward to those milestones myself and just assumed they would. This past graduation I didn't feel sorry for myself. I took joy in their happiness. Sometimes it's hard as I can't really brag about my kids at this time, and I wish I could when friends or strangers talk up their kids' accomplishments. I need to get past that and just feel happy for them or actually sad for them that they didn't have the opportunities these problems have brought me for growth. No problems no motivation to change or learn lessons.
21. Do I try to avoid doubt, once having made a decision? I have always struggled with decisions because all mine seemed to be so wrong. I would almost be paralyzed - forever weighing the negatives and positives. Now I am trying to see that woulda, shoulda, coulda is just a way to make myself insane. I will learn from the mistakes and rejoice in the good ones. There will always be mistakes. I am now recognizing in my being that mistakes are not avoidable for anyone. It's really ok to make them as long as I learn.
22. Do I accept responsibility for my behavior and actions? Yes.
23. Can I express my feelings in constructive and healthy ways? This is getting better, but I would have to say that I didn't. I would gunnysack; the feelings would come out in negative ways. Now I am trying to directly say my truth and then not harp on it. It's like an intervention, though. If someone asks, I may suggest a path again but no constant repetition in different ways. Just calm, gentle words.
24. Do I have a sense of discretion, reacting appropriately to different situations? Yes. Sometimes I worried too much, but I'm learning that if someone cares about me and I act weird in their opinion and they don't like me, it's their right. We can't like everyone. That would mean people pleasing.
25. Can I accept disagreement and criticism good-naturedly, with an open mind, recognizing in it a potential for growth? I'm working on it. I had a hard time with this one - always feeling I had to defend myself rather than recognize that some of it was meant to help me grow. Disagreement will always happen; good to agree to disagree or come to a mutually acceptable solution to a problem. Fair fighting rules we learned at Res 12 need to apply. Little by little, these better ways will become automatic.
26. Am I patient and flexible enough to accept reasonable delays or changes in plans, adjusting myself at times to the convenience of others? I still get irritated by people not showing up within 20 minutes of an agreed upon time. I really dislike it when it's more than an hour late. I see it as disrespectful to the needs of the others. Possibly some of my reaction is a control issue or inflexibility. I can change plans at the last minute much easier than I used to as I've had to do that so many times that I lost the rigidity as it was impossible to maintain. Patience is still a big issue for me.
27. Can I allow others to have their way without always being dominated by them? Yes. I can let someone else make the plans. In fact, I enjoy this now as I can just relax and go along for the ride. I'm much better at not bending over to make things good for my kids. It can be super tough for me, but I have been resisting well. We do things at mutually convenient times now - not just my dropping everything for them. It's hard for my son sometimes as he still thinks I need to be at the other end of that telephone all the time, but I think even he is realizing that I have a right to a life.
28. Am I relaxed and calm in my social interactions with others? Usually - unless lots of things go wrong. Even then I did better this past weekend when everything malfunctioned or didn't go as planned. I said that I needed to laugh as there was no point in crying. When I couldn't get water on that hot day, I started to lose it a bit. However, it was better than in the past.
29. Do I try to avoid constantly being the center of attention? Yes. I sometimes like to be but most of the time, I'd rather not have all eyes on me. I get to be that point most of the day at work.
30. Am I somewhat independent, not always looking for approval and direction from others? Yes. I love to make my own plan. It's nice to get some encouragement or compliments, but I can make it without that. I can give it to myself.
31. Am I willing to admit I don't have all the answers? Oh yeah. It's been a humbling experience as a teacher to have to say that to a roomful of kids. Each time it gets a bit easier, but it can still be scary. At home with family and friends it's way easier.
32. Do I recognize the role I have played in the unpleasant things that have happened to me? As I look back and now that I'm more aware, I do see what I did to contribute to it. I wasn't just a victim needing pity. I could have done things differently.
33. Can I accept help and compliments from others without trying to discover a hidden motive and without feeling I have to "even the score"? This is getting easier. I try to think of it more as paying it forward rather than paying it back. I have never looked for hidden motives - once in awhile, phony people are obvious so I have noticed that, but usually I see good intentions from people. I just felt obligated not to be indebted to others.
34. Am I willing to investigate the concept of a Higher Power, One greater than my intellect, who can help me to discover a deeper sense of maturity in my life? Yes! I am so willing - such a relief to be able to ask for and receive help.
Findings:
realistic goals I can set for myself:
a. develop patience
b. find out why challenging kids hook something in me
c. why do some demanding people hook that need in me to please
d. stay peaceful in most situations
e. practice self care in terms of food control
behavior habits I can improve:
a. annoyance in traffic or lines
b. need to please hiking group members - definitely have let go of this
c. annoyance about helpless group members - don't want to contribute to that - want them to be responsible - how to do this in a positive manner
d. overplanning - give down time to relax
e. read more than watch TV - escape
other ideas:
2. Have I let go of the people and situations I cannot change? I use the serenity prayer and remind myself to turn them over and have faith that the situation will work itself out without my losing my sanity by obsessing about it and rehearsing what I will say to get it just right.
3. Can I look honestly at myself? I believe so. I see both good and bad. There may be some things that I am not aware of. I can't remember who set up this square, but one quarter is "known only to others". It's "known to self", known to self and others, can't remember the other one . .
4. Do I let other people know the real me? Only if I know them well. I am still rather reserved. I tend to talk a lot when nervous or just in hyper mode, but a lot of it is deflection. I am becoming better at expressing my truth if I feel it's an appropriate place to share. I think I learned from my mom to talk too much - not always the best place. It scares others if you share too much as I've seen with a former friend who tells everyone she's suicidal when she first meets them. It tends to turn others off.
5. Have I developed a tolerant, easy-going attitude toward myself? It's much better than it was. I tend to still worry about my teaching talent and my lack of ability to make much progress getting my weight back to normal. It's still to easy to give in to all food cravings and eat too much. I feel ravenous a lot so I think I need to force myself to eat more often to keep the blood sugar even. That change could make a big difference. However, I have to lay off myself as when I beat myself up, I tend to run even more to food as a relief.
6. Am I tolerant of others? I am more tolerant of friends than I am about husband and drivers. I think I have a hard time with traffic and waiting in lines as some people aggressively take someone else's place in line or push their way in with a truck. This bothers me so it's my rigidity. I am working on it by self talk to change the behavior and reaction and breathing. I also try to keep reading material with me for lines. It helps me stay calm.
7. Do I treat others with respect? 95% of the time I try to be sweet as I know no-one has it easy. However, my husband gets the brunt of my nastiness. If someone really messes something up, it's hard for me to bite my tongue - esp. if I don't know them. It's never ok to do that. I have really worked at this as it's better to just keep calm than to have to make an amend.
8. Do I avoid using others to get what I want? Mostly. I sometimes need someone's help which is hard for me to admit, and I still get annoyed if they don't do their part in a timely manner. I don't think I would call it using them. I do sometimes catch myself complaining indirectly rather than speaking up honestly and concisely.
9. Do I expect others to make special allowances for my behavior? No. I tend to make special allowances for others' bad behavior but feel extremely guilty if I feel mine wasn't good enough and feel bad if someone does something for me, but I'm trying to accept nice things gracefully and thinking "pay it forward" rather than feeling extremely obligated to pay it back.
10. Do I listen carefully to the opinions of others? I'm not always so good at this. I'm trying to practice the good listening I learn at Al-Anon. I do tend to turn off from the ultra conservative. Free speech sometimes seems it shouldn't be so free as I dislike hate groups. I also tended to turn off if someone said something I didn't want to do/disliked and dismiss it with some denial/self justification, but I'm trying to really hear now as I don't want to miss an opportunity for hearing a great truth from someone.
11. Am I careful not to take myself too seriously? EEK. This one is hard, but I am making progress. I have had a hard time laughing at some situations and still don't like that nasty sense of humor some members of my family have. For example, I was all dolled up for my big 40th birthday party when my brother and cousin thought it would be so funny to spray me completely with some kind of sticky party stuff. I was so unhappy. I have never had my own birthday party since then. I just think people need to think more about how someone might feel - some "jokes" just aren't funny. They always tell me I'm too sensitive. It's partly true I'm sure, but I think that they are also insensitive.
12. Do I have a sense of humor? Yes. However, as explained above, there is some bullying behind my family's sense of humor. My son takes sarcasm too far also. It's guised as humor but is meant to hurt. I try to laugh at my mistakes. Sometimes it's hard.
13. Can I make mistakes without getting angry at myself, realizing that I am human? This is retraining for a lifetime of not being given permission to be imperfect. I hear the self talk now and am working on changing it.
14. Am I able to say "no"? It's getting easier. I am doing better at boundaries and sticking to them. I think we all feel relieved. It has eliminated a lot of resentments.
15. Do I take life's disappointments in stride? Little things tend to aggravate me more than big things, but the program is really helping me to deal with any upset with different self talk and to recognize when I'm overreacting and employ calming tools.
16. Do I bounce back from upsetting situations? Faster than I used to. I am doing better at letting go.
17. Do I try to understand why other people act as they do? Yes, I realize it's their own perception causing them to behave in certain ways. I have always had pretty good insight into others' motivations, but now I see even more clearly than someone's anger is from their own negative feelings and not really really to me. I am learning not to personalize everything.
18. Can I derive satisfaction out of doing my best? Yes. I strive little by little to improve in all areas of my life.
19. Do I avoid finding fault with all my accomplishments? I tend to add that little qualifier and then tell myself to stop and just be happy.
20. Can I rejoice in the good fortune of others? Yes. For awhile, I felt envious of others who seemed to have perfect families and happy times. I'm learning to create those or to let go of those needs/expectations that my kids will want to attend graduation, have their grad picture taken, have a wedding, etc. I so looked forward to those milestones myself and just assumed they would. This past graduation I didn't feel sorry for myself. I took joy in their happiness. Sometimes it's hard as I can't really brag about my kids at this time, and I wish I could when friends or strangers talk up their kids' accomplishments. I need to get past that and just feel happy for them or actually sad for them that they didn't have the opportunities these problems have brought me for growth. No problems no motivation to change or learn lessons.
21. Do I try to avoid doubt, once having made a decision? I have always struggled with decisions because all mine seemed to be so wrong. I would almost be paralyzed - forever weighing the negatives and positives. Now I am trying to see that woulda, shoulda, coulda is just a way to make myself insane. I will learn from the mistakes and rejoice in the good ones. There will always be mistakes. I am now recognizing in my being that mistakes are not avoidable for anyone. It's really ok to make them as long as I learn.
22. Do I accept responsibility for my behavior and actions? Yes.
23. Can I express my feelings in constructive and healthy ways? This is getting better, but I would have to say that I didn't. I would gunnysack; the feelings would come out in negative ways. Now I am trying to directly say my truth and then not harp on it. It's like an intervention, though. If someone asks, I may suggest a path again but no constant repetition in different ways. Just calm, gentle words.
24. Do I have a sense of discretion, reacting appropriately to different situations? Yes. Sometimes I worried too much, but I'm learning that if someone cares about me and I act weird in their opinion and they don't like me, it's their right. We can't like everyone. That would mean people pleasing.
25. Can I accept disagreement and criticism good-naturedly, with an open mind, recognizing in it a potential for growth? I'm working on it. I had a hard time with this one - always feeling I had to defend myself rather than recognize that some of it was meant to help me grow. Disagreement will always happen; good to agree to disagree or come to a mutually acceptable solution to a problem. Fair fighting rules we learned at Res 12 need to apply. Little by little, these better ways will become automatic.
26. Am I patient and flexible enough to accept reasonable delays or changes in plans, adjusting myself at times to the convenience of others? I still get irritated by people not showing up within 20 minutes of an agreed upon time. I really dislike it when it's more than an hour late. I see it as disrespectful to the needs of the others. Possibly some of my reaction is a control issue or inflexibility. I can change plans at the last minute much easier than I used to as I've had to do that so many times that I lost the rigidity as it was impossible to maintain. Patience is still a big issue for me.
27. Can I allow others to have their way without always being dominated by them? Yes. I can let someone else make the plans. In fact, I enjoy this now as I can just relax and go along for the ride. I'm much better at not bending over to make things good for my kids. It can be super tough for me, but I have been resisting well. We do things at mutually convenient times now - not just my dropping everything for them. It's hard for my son sometimes as he still thinks I need to be at the other end of that telephone all the time, but I think even he is realizing that I have a right to a life.
28. Am I relaxed and calm in my social interactions with others? Usually - unless lots of things go wrong. Even then I did better this past weekend when everything malfunctioned or didn't go as planned. I said that I needed to laugh as there was no point in crying. When I couldn't get water on that hot day, I started to lose it a bit. However, it was better than in the past.
29. Do I try to avoid constantly being the center of attention? Yes. I sometimes like to be but most of the time, I'd rather not have all eyes on me. I get to be that point most of the day at work.
30. Am I somewhat independent, not always looking for approval and direction from others? Yes. I love to make my own plan. It's nice to get some encouragement or compliments, but I can make it without that. I can give it to myself.
31. Am I willing to admit I don't have all the answers? Oh yeah. It's been a humbling experience as a teacher to have to say that to a roomful of kids. Each time it gets a bit easier, but it can still be scary. At home with family and friends it's way easier.
32. Do I recognize the role I have played in the unpleasant things that have happened to me? As I look back and now that I'm more aware, I do see what I did to contribute to it. I wasn't just a victim needing pity. I could have done things differently.
33. Can I accept help and compliments from others without trying to discover a hidden motive and without feeling I have to "even the score"? This is getting easier. I try to think of it more as paying it forward rather than paying it back. I have never looked for hidden motives - once in awhile, phony people are obvious so I have noticed that, but usually I see good intentions from people. I just felt obligated not to be indebted to others.
34. Am I willing to investigate the concept of a Higher Power, One greater than my intellect, who can help me to discover a deeper sense of maturity in my life? Yes! I am so willing - such a relief to be able to ask for and receive help.
Findings:
realistic goals I can set for myself:
a. develop patience
b. find out why challenging kids hook something in me
c. why do some demanding people hook that need in me to please
d. stay peaceful in most situations
e. practice self care in terms of food control
behavior habits I can improve:
a. annoyance in traffic or lines
b. need to please hiking group members - definitely have let go of this
c. annoyance about helpless group members - don't want to contribute to that - want them to be responsible - how to do this in a positive manner
d. overplanning - give down time to relax
e. read more than watch TV - escape
other ideas:
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