I identified with some piece or in Jessica's case pretty much all of her feelings. I realize clearly I am codependent. It's actually comforting to have a name for my problems and to become aware that the way to get better is to start being responsible for and to myself only. I began that process three years ago when my father died. I started working on friendships surrounding my favorite activity and putting decent food in my body - controlling the overeating I was doing. However, I hadn't really understood how much of my problem was of my own doing. Now I need to work on consistent boundaries. Al-Anon is the best place I could have gone. I'm so glad I decided I was desperate enough to try anything. I see Kiku's implosion as the impetus to change for me and perhaps eventually for the whole family. I do obsess about things so this has become a new obsession perhaps, but I believe I can change. It will take time and pain. It's hard not to get sucked into doing for my children.
Codependency: caring more for others than for my own self, obessing about their lives rather than bettering mine; giving them all the best things money can buy while I go without, putting up with abusive behavior, not stating my real feelings for fear of reactions/rejection. I was made fun of for my feelings in the past.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Lost It Day
Little frustrations can still send me over the bend. I am embarrassed about yesterday. It started with a notice that I had a loan from Edward Jones. I knew I had never taken out any loan so was panicky about what this could mean. I left them a panicked message. I got the details - seems I need to sell stuff as even though I showed money in the account, I didn't actually have enough cash for the furnace so they didn't sell stuff and put it through as a loan through the portfolio. Ok, I get that and now know what to do for further cash needs. I then called the local person to explain what happened, was told by secretary that she is not allowed to take such a message and that I have to connect by phone with the broker. Ugh! How? I gave a time; then got busy at work and forgot that I turn the ringer off when I'm in class. I then try calling from home, but my son has errands for me so I left the phone in the car a couple of minutes. She called again. I ran for it but too late. I call back. Now she's in a meeting rest of day and won't call back. This isn't going to work for me. I need to be able to e-mail or leave a message so I know that's it taken care of because I get busy and forget and/or actually can't talk on the phone during business hours. As this happened, I tried to use self checkout at Fred Meyer's to save time - BIG mistake as those machines are so dang sensitive that you have to go slow, look up produce codes, etc. I'd have been better off waiting in the line and trying to find patience unlike my ADHD self. Ditto for the traffic day when only for the grace of God did I make it to work without too long a wait/too much hassle. Haste does make waste. I can only hope this broker will agree to e-mail, but I suppose it won't come up that often. Now I am anxious wondering if I can remember until Mon a.m. that she'll call my house and interrupt my crazed work prep - fing sucks!!!! However, I did feel it was stupid to get so worked up about something that is beyond my control and my interaction with Diana was not the best. I'm still sick.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Fearless Moral Inventory
Positive Points
intelligent - good memory; like to problem solve
caring
planner
reliable
sociable
good manners
active
work to stay healthy
Negatives
spacey - not paying attention
need to TRULY listen to others
impatient
emotionally reactive - think first
highly critical
exercise/weight obsession
tend to obsess about lots of things
can't say no to some things involving money for others
can't remember stuff anymore/losing stuff all over
Nature of My Wrongs
Do for others what they could do for themselves; then I resent them.
Traffic Temper
Can go from 0-100 quickly in face of frustration such as incompetence at doctor office
intelligent - good memory; like to problem solve
caring
planner
reliable
sociable
good manners
active
work to stay healthy
Negatives
spacey - not paying attention
need to TRULY listen to others
impatient
emotionally reactive - think first
highly critical
exercise/weight obsession
tend to obsess about lots of things
can't say no to some things involving money for others
can't remember stuff anymore/losing stuff all over
Nature of My Wrongs
Do for others what they could do for themselves; then I resent them.
Traffic Temper
Can go from 0-100 quickly in face of frustration such as incompetence at doctor office
March
I met someone I'd really like to be my Al-Anon sponsor. I didn't realize I didn't have her phone number, though. I'll have to get it next time I see her. She radiates serenity and common sense. I need to run my ideas about parenting past someone for input. I don't trust my own decisions well enough yet. It's so hard to watch a child in pain and not be able to do anything about it.
How to approach him? Look for right time, say I can't do for him what he can do for himself, but I'm here in a crisis to give support and encouragement - just not to do for him. It's the most loving thing I can do. I also have to listen to those emotions. If I feel angry or resentful, he is probably overstepping boundaries that I should consistently keep in place. Keep the info simple and unemotional. Just suggest some things and say I'm here for more suggestions but not to do for him - just bounce ideas off me. Tell him his strengths - made it this far, smart, caring, loyal . . . Biggest weakness: won't follow through - have to be willing to listen to instructions from professionals and follow them to help himself. Other one: doesn't take responsibility for his own feelings/actions - just blames others. Child of alcoholic so Alateen could be a great support group and see the higher power as the group.
How to approach him? Look for right time, say I can't do for him what he can do for himself, but I'm here in a crisis to give support and encouragement - just not to do for him. It's the most loving thing I can do. I also have to listen to those emotions. If I feel angry or resentful, he is probably overstepping boundaries that I should consistently keep in place. Keep the info simple and unemotional. Just suggest some things and say I'm here for more suggestions but not to do for him - just bounce ideas off me. Tell him his strengths - made it this far, smart, caring, loyal . . . Biggest weakness: won't follow through - have to be willing to listen to instructions from professionals and follow them to help himself. Other one: doesn't take responsibility for his own feelings/actions - just blames others. Child of alcoholic so Alateen could be a great support group and see the higher power as the group.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
kind of depressed
I was thinking about having a heart to heart with my son, but he has his girlfriend over. I am frustrated and angry about the whole food thing. I know he does this because he feels bad, but I shouldn't have to be abused either. I want to share the Al-Anon program with him even though I know he won't do anything for himself.
I can't let myself be sucked into cleaning up after him or doing anything for him that he can do for himself. It isn't the way to help him.
I do hope someday to have a real relationship with my children. It pains me to think I won't, but we don't have much in common. They don't like the main activities I do. I often feel I wasted 21 years of my life. I need to let go.
This is one of those nights when I feel I should reach out and call someone on that call list, but I'm not really connected to people in the group yet so I feel a little weird about it, but I so strongly feel that I need help tonight. There's no-one else to turn to for support.
I can't let myself be sucked into cleaning up after him or doing anything for him that he can do for himself. It isn't the way to help him.
I do hope someday to have a real relationship with my children. It pains me to think I won't, but we don't have much in common. They don't like the main activities I do. I often feel I wasted 21 years of my life. I need to let go.
This is one of those nights when I feel I should reach out and call someone on that call list, but I'm not really connected to people in the group yet so I feel a little weird about it, but I so strongly feel that I need help tonight. There's no-one else to turn to for support.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
My Journey - the Beginning to Now
This blog will be a form of therapy for me. I don't know that anyone besides a therapist wants to listen to me for an hour or read a long blog, but this helps me with the projects in the books I'm reading.
One of them is to put together a biography.
I was born in 1959 and grew up in a small town. My dad wasn't fond of people so he built a house in the middle of 47 acres of woods. I felt isolated as I would like to have been more social, but I was awkward because I didn't get to practice and being highly intelligent in a mostly farm community meant that my speech and mode of dress/individuality were often the butt of jokes. I wasn't allowed to watch TV or go to places that most people would experience such as Disneyland or McDonald's as my father felt they weren't good influences so I never knew what the other kids were talking about in terms of popular culture and felt deprived and envious. I couldn't buy nice clothes, etc. because my dad told us: "There are no freebies in life. You need to learn responsibility." I had chores and worked as soon as I could so I could get some things I wanted. Christmas presents from dad's side were arithmetic books and other educational (cheap) materials. His sister always passed on some hideous item that she no longer wanted. My mom's side was indulgent and actually gave us toys or money, but we rarely saw them as they lived on the other coast.
My dad was pretty harsh and demanding. He could not give praise. He lost his temper every 2-3 years and had a raging tantrum. He had few real friends. He seemed to like the suck up type or they had to be interesting in some way as in having accomplished some great mountaineering or book writing feat. We kids just weren't interesting so he rarely seemed to notice us and would often pass us on the street without knowing us. He was in his own world and rarely came out of his den. I had some interests, but he wouldn't pay the monthly fees. Later he said how sad he was that I hadn't found anything of interest to me!
I ran away from home at 7, but after a day, I missed my mom. My brother also ran away a couple of times. Usually this was in response to some tantrum or unusual nastiness on my father's part. My dad would also not allow us to use the phone because his patients would call. If a friend called and we were downstairs, he would just hang up rather than bother to go get us. My friends were all terrified of him.
When I was a teenager, people started whispering more than usual around me. Turns out one of dad's affairs was creating quite a scandal as the woman involved was married to a minister who just happened to be my dad's best friend! My brother was often angry as he was used as an excuse for my dad to get out for a day or a weekend. My dad would say he was taking him hiking or climbing, and my brother would be excited to spend time with his dad; then dad would pick up one of the women - such hurt. My brother never forgave my father and anything associated with my father is an object of ire.
The positives about my life: my mom would listen to us for hours. We had many great discussions and joking in the kitchen late at night after dad had gone to bed. My mom would try to take us to fun places so I have good memories of the zoo, our beach cabin, and going to her parents once in awhile. One of the best times was when my cousin from Iowa stayed with us for a week. I suffered so much after she left. I had a friend!
Our school system sucked in that they broke up the kids every year so each year I'd have to try to make a new best friend. I wasn't comfortable with lots of people. School was boring as it was easy for me and many kids were struggling just to read a sentence. I'd often daydream or sneak a book during the day. I would sometimes talk too much and get sent to the hall. I liked it once we got to high school and would try hard to have my friends be in the same lunch so I wouldn't have to be all alone and mortified about that. I made more friends then as I did my best to try to fit in including drinking and doing drugs at parties. I finally found a boyfriend which buys acceptance also - at least at that time. College was much better as the people who weren't intelligent and unique in some way didn't go there. I meant more compatible people, and my self esteem began to pick up as I was good at academics and there were enough odd people that my differences weren't noticed in the same way although finding a guy was still tough. I was an introvert and looked like the girl next door so apparently most younger guys weren't into that type of girl. They wanted a non-serious type - that was never really me although I could be funny when I'd get into a groove.
Most weekends meant forced outings to some trail that my dad was researching for his book. I stayed home alone as soon as I could.
Being left at the other grandparents for the weekend was boring most of the time as I'd just listen to my grandfather yelling for my grandmother to come serve him in some way. We also had to eat on the dot of 6 and only 5 items were suitable for dinner so I was a picky kid in terms of food. I managed to outgrow that and instead of the beanpole I was until about 30, I became fat.
I seemed to make lots of poor choices in men - probably because I never had an example of a good relationship. My dad finally left my mom for another woman, and my mom was bitter for a long time and would spend time dumping that on me. Eventually, she developed past that point but never remarried. She had a great father and had expected that marriage just went as well as her parents'. Both she and her sister married terrible men.
I lived abroad for 3 years. My dad was sure I'd come home quickly, but he didn't really know me. I stuck out the often first 1-2 months in each country and increased my confidence in my own ability to survive and finally make my own decisions. I learned languages easily so I discovered that I needed to be working in something international. I also adapted well to new cultures in spite of my tendency to sometimes obsess about certain things. I managed to float and be flexible and grew a lot during those years.
I married a Japanese man because I had such a dream of giving my kids the chance to be bilingual easily, but he would never talk to them in Japanese so that dream died in a swirl of pain. It also turned out he was an alcoholic and extremely depressed once he left Japan. He would have rages and was always highly critical. I knew I would die if I stayed in the relationship so in 1995 I moved out suddenly and took the kids to my mom's. He was so upset and hurt. I let him take our daughter with him for the weekend to make him feel better. I always wonder now if she felt sacrificed because our son had so many challenges. She was really angry at me for a long time after that. The school recommended counseling. She went but thought it was kind of dumb. She was a star student from day 1. Her brother was the opposite from day 1.
I went through a lot of pain; reconnected with an old boyfriend and eventually married him out of financial need and have regretted it many times since. It's not that he's as bad as the first, but he does suffer from anxiety, PTSD, negativity = he always sees the worst of a situation and that dragged me down also. He has no boundaries in spite of big talk and could not say no to work so is gradually working himself to death for little money so we always have financial difficulties as well as the emotion stuff. Somehow I let him hook my critical side because he often says or does the dumbest things, doesn't listen to what I say = I see that as disrespect and saying I don't matter, I'm defensive with the first one as he blames me for everything bad with the kids; yet he didn't help much. This one blames me too and often tried to step in when I was disciplining a child even when he had no idea what was happening so he made the situation worse.
My son was constantly struggling. I'd try so many ways to help him, but he would never follow through. He's depressed and anxious but doesn't follow treatment so now he's a high school dropout with no potential for a job. Even the great girlfriend will eventually tire of carrying him/trying to lift him up. I trying the natural consequence road now - so far it's not making much difference so I'm working on detaching myself as my anxiety about the kids prevents me from sleeping and has made my life a hell. They blame me for the bad husbands, etc., and I let them for a long time. Now I'm trying to realize that they made their own choices and that I hurt them mainly by trying to save them from consequences and help them too much.
My daughter was amazing. I was sure she would be the one to achieve her goals, but she had a stalker boyfriend for her first relationship - this went on for months; lawyers etc advised counseling, but she wouldn't go. She just kept achieving at school and piano. Then came the near fatal illness and all her work looking like it didn't earn her anything as she had to give up prom, senior activities, etc. It scarred her beautiful face and for one obsessed with perfect appearance, that was what sent her into a severe depression. I thought she was ok when we went on our tropical trip - she was laughing again and talking to people and she was accepted to a prestigious academic program, but she threw lots of money away on drugs and partying and bombed school. She also stole from me. The pain was unbelievable so at this point, I made the decision that I needed to change what I was doing or die from pain and anxiety. It is such a hard road, but I'm connecting with support groups like Al-Anon and some parents of drug addicts groups online and reading lots of literature and coming to realize that my biggest mistake was doing too much and trying to save them from their bad choices. Rescuing sends the message that they aren't competent.
This is a huge challenge for me - trying to have a loving interaction with everyone I meet and letting go and letting the kids experience the consequences in the hopes that maybe they will turn around. However, even that hope is a form of control. I have to let go totally. That takes a lot of work.
One of them is to put together a biography.
I was born in 1959 and grew up in a small town. My dad wasn't fond of people so he built a house in the middle of 47 acres of woods. I felt isolated as I would like to have been more social, but I was awkward because I didn't get to practice and being highly intelligent in a mostly farm community meant that my speech and mode of dress/individuality were often the butt of jokes. I wasn't allowed to watch TV or go to places that most people would experience such as Disneyland or McDonald's as my father felt they weren't good influences so I never knew what the other kids were talking about in terms of popular culture and felt deprived and envious. I couldn't buy nice clothes, etc. because my dad told us: "There are no freebies in life. You need to learn responsibility." I had chores and worked as soon as I could so I could get some things I wanted. Christmas presents from dad's side were arithmetic books and other educational (cheap) materials. His sister always passed on some hideous item that she no longer wanted. My mom's side was indulgent and actually gave us toys or money, but we rarely saw them as they lived on the other coast.
My dad was pretty harsh and demanding. He could not give praise. He lost his temper every 2-3 years and had a raging tantrum. He had few real friends. He seemed to like the suck up type or they had to be interesting in some way as in having accomplished some great mountaineering or book writing feat. We kids just weren't interesting so he rarely seemed to notice us and would often pass us on the street without knowing us. He was in his own world and rarely came out of his den. I had some interests, but he wouldn't pay the monthly fees. Later he said how sad he was that I hadn't found anything of interest to me!
I ran away from home at 7, but after a day, I missed my mom. My brother also ran away a couple of times. Usually this was in response to some tantrum or unusual nastiness on my father's part. My dad would also not allow us to use the phone because his patients would call. If a friend called and we were downstairs, he would just hang up rather than bother to go get us. My friends were all terrified of him.
When I was a teenager, people started whispering more than usual around me. Turns out one of dad's affairs was creating quite a scandal as the woman involved was married to a minister who just happened to be my dad's best friend! My brother was often angry as he was used as an excuse for my dad to get out for a day or a weekend. My dad would say he was taking him hiking or climbing, and my brother would be excited to spend time with his dad; then dad would pick up one of the women - such hurt. My brother never forgave my father and anything associated with my father is an object of ire.
The positives about my life: my mom would listen to us for hours. We had many great discussions and joking in the kitchen late at night after dad had gone to bed. My mom would try to take us to fun places so I have good memories of the zoo, our beach cabin, and going to her parents once in awhile. One of the best times was when my cousin from Iowa stayed with us for a week. I suffered so much after she left. I had a friend!
Our school system sucked in that they broke up the kids every year so each year I'd have to try to make a new best friend. I wasn't comfortable with lots of people. School was boring as it was easy for me and many kids were struggling just to read a sentence. I'd often daydream or sneak a book during the day. I would sometimes talk too much and get sent to the hall. I liked it once we got to high school and would try hard to have my friends be in the same lunch so I wouldn't have to be all alone and mortified about that. I made more friends then as I did my best to try to fit in including drinking and doing drugs at parties. I finally found a boyfriend which buys acceptance also - at least at that time. College was much better as the people who weren't intelligent and unique in some way didn't go there. I meant more compatible people, and my self esteem began to pick up as I was good at academics and there were enough odd people that my differences weren't noticed in the same way although finding a guy was still tough. I was an introvert and looked like the girl next door so apparently most younger guys weren't into that type of girl. They wanted a non-serious type - that was never really me although I could be funny when I'd get into a groove.
Most weekends meant forced outings to some trail that my dad was researching for his book. I stayed home alone as soon as I could.
Being left at the other grandparents for the weekend was boring most of the time as I'd just listen to my grandfather yelling for my grandmother to come serve him in some way. We also had to eat on the dot of 6 and only 5 items were suitable for dinner so I was a picky kid in terms of food. I managed to outgrow that and instead of the beanpole I was until about 30, I became fat.
I seemed to make lots of poor choices in men - probably because I never had an example of a good relationship. My dad finally left my mom for another woman, and my mom was bitter for a long time and would spend time dumping that on me. Eventually, she developed past that point but never remarried. She had a great father and had expected that marriage just went as well as her parents'. Both she and her sister married terrible men.
I lived abroad for 3 years. My dad was sure I'd come home quickly, but he didn't really know me. I stuck out the often first 1-2 months in each country and increased my confidence in my own ability to survive and finally make my own decisions. I learned languages easily so I discovered that I needed to be working in something international. I also adapted well to new cultures in spite of my tendency to sometimes obsess about certain things. I managed to float and be flexible and grew a lot during those years.
I married a Japanese man because I had such a dream of giving my kids the chance to be bilingual easily, but he would never talk to them in Japanese so that dream died in a swirl of pain. It also turned out he was an alcoholic and extremely depressed once he left Japan. He would have rages and was always highly critical. I knew I would die if I stayed in the relationship so in 1995 I moved out suddenly and took the kids to my mom's. He was so upset and hurt. I let him take our daughter with him for the weekend to make him feel better. I always wonder now if she felt sacrificed because our son had so many challenges. She was really angry at me for a long time after that. The school recommended counseling. She went but thought it was kind of dumb. She was a star student from day 1. Her brother was the opposite from day 1.
I went through a lot of pain; reconnected with an old boyfriend and eventually married him out of financial need and have regretted it many times since. It's not that he's as bad as the first, but he does suffer from anxiety, PTSD, negativity = he always sees the worst of a situation and that dragged me down also. He has no boundaries in spite of big talk and could not say no to work so is gradually working himself to death for little money so we always have financial difficulties as well as the emotion stuff. Somehow I let him hook my critical side because he often says or does the dumbest things, doesn't listen to what I say = I see that as disrespect and saying I don't matter, I'm defensive with the first one as he blames me for everything bad with the kids; yet he didn't help much. This one blames me too and often tried to step in when I was disciplining a child even when he had no idea what was happening so he made the situation worse.
My son was constantly struggling. I'd try so many ways to help him, but he would never follow through. He's depressed and anxious but doesn't follow treatment so now he's a high school dropout with no potential for a job. Even the great girlfriend will eventually tire of carrying him/trying to lift him up. I trying the natural consequence road now - so far it's not making much difference so I'm working on detaching myself as my anxiety about the kids prevents me from sleeping and has made my life a hell. They blame me for the bad husbands, etc., and I let them for a long time. Now I'm trying to realize that they made their own choices and that I hurt them mainly by trying to save them from consequences and help them too much.
My daughter was amazing. I was sure she would be the one to achieve her goals, but she had a stalker boyfriend for her first relationship - this went on for months; lawyers etc advised counseling, but she wouldn't go. She just kept achieving at school and piano. Then came the near fatal illness and all her work looking like it didn't earn her anything as she had to give up prom, senior activities, etc. It scarred her beautiful face and for one obsessed with perfect appearance, that was what sent her into a severe depression. I thought she was ok when we went on our tropical trip - she was laughing again and talking to people and she was accepted to a prestigious academic program, but she threw lots of money away on drugs and partying and bombed school. She also stole from me. The pain was unbelievable so at this point, I made the decision that I needed to change what I was doing or die from pain and anxiety. It is such a hard road, but I'm connecting with support groups like Al-Anon and some parents of drug addicts groups online and reading lots of literature and coming to realize that my biggest mistake was doing too much and trying to save them from their bad choices. Rescuing sends the message that they aren't competent.
This is a huge challenge for me - trying to have a loving interaction with everyone I meet and letting go and letting the kids experience the consequences in the hopes that maybe they will turn around. However, even that hope is a form of control. I have to let go totally. That takes a lot of work.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Starting the Journey
I am starting this as a kind of therapy. I don't feel comfortable posting private thoughts to Facebook. I do feel I need to talk to myself about what I am learning.
I have had some challenging years. Every time I think life is getting better, I get knocked down by a crisis again. I am working on controlling my reactions to these events and just plain letting go and trying my best not to stew.
I'm feeling good tonight and not much time so I will continue this when I have time and feel I need to write down my feelings.
I have had some challenging years. Every time I think life is getting better, I get knocked down by a crisis again. I am working on controlling my reactions to these events and just plain letting go and trying my best not to stew.
I'm feeling good tonight and not much time so I will continue this when I have time and feel I need to write down my feelings.
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