Our common welfare should come first. Personal progress for the greatest number depends on unity.
1. How can I apply this tradition to my everyday life? This to me says that everyone is equally important. We cannot progress if we allow some people to dominate and run roughshod over others. This tells me that I must have a voice but not too much of a voice. It is okay to disagree. Perhaps we need to shelve something for awhile or agreed to disagree and then wait to see if some solution we can't see is out there. I think this is important for my family, work family, and my hiking group.
2. How do I use this tradition in my meeting? I share in many meetings because what I have to say may be helpful to someone. However, I limit my sharing to a couple of minutes or less. I feel I need to develop the courage to say something when someone is rambling and taking more than five minutes particularly when it forces the meeting to go overtime.
3. How does this Tradition give me the right to offer my opinion? How can I do this without dominating or having to win? It says that everyone has a voice that is equally valued. I can calmly state that I don't agree, but if it does not go my way, I need to be okay with that.
4. What does common welfare mean to me? my group? In other areas of service work within Al-Anon? It means that all of us are working to heal. That means I have a responsibility to think of others besides myself and work to be a blessing to them as well as looking for healing for myself. I think all service contributes to the growth and well being of the group.
5. What does unity mean to me? We all work together and do not allow conflicts to destroy us. We don't gossip or badmouth other people. We work out any issues we have and don't run from conflicts but take an unemotional look at how we can solve it.
6. Do I consider myself to be open-minded? Yes. Always? No. It is an area that I sometimes need to work. I can sometimes get a bit overly invested in my solution or plan and have a little trouble letting it go and being completely flexible.
7. Am I willing to respect others' views? How? I would not say that I am 100% good at this as I sometimes think something someone says is pretty stupid. I realize I have no right to be judgemental, but it does not always stop those thoughts. I would never outwardly disrespect another person other than my husband. The way I treat him at times can be pretty disrespectful. Even if I think he's being an idiot, it's not really okay to say it like that. I need to try to listen and understand.
8. Am I willing to accept and appreciate what others are able to give? Yes. Sometimes I don't want someone to give to me as it hooks some feeling deep down that I am obligated to reciprocate.
9. Am I expressing myself for unity or for manipulation and control? I would have to examine my motives each time as I know for a fact that I sometimes want to control the destination and not change the plan I worked hard on. I am working on letting go and most of the time I am okay with changing to what the group wants to do.
10. How do I keep Al-Anon unity in mind when expressing my opinion? I work on reminding myself to Think, be Kind, keep the relationship over being right and now with a group I am reminding myself of this tradition.
11. How am I flexible? I often will change my vote to support the majority and am willing to not be on the "winning" side. I can usually see and understand all sides. If I feel some stubbornness rising, I need to examine why that situation causes that response.
12. Am I bringing anything positive to this group? my family? My personal relationships? Yes. I am sharing what I am learning with others. I am learning not to complain and gossip. I am becoming the kind of person people enjoy being with.
13. Do endless sharings at meetings hinder the unity of the group? If so, how can this be handled? I believe they do as everyone becomes restive particularly when the sharing is of complaining or goes over the ending time. People get annoyed at having to sit through something that isn't helpful to the group. I feel that we need to discuss this in group inventories and decide what to do. I think a polite reminder of time limits would be helpful. Something like we agreed to keep the amount of time limited so all who want to can share. I would like to see an actual number of minutes placed in the preamble. The only exception would be for new members who don't know what the program is about and are in crisis and need to get it out.
14. What other ways do groups suffer when members dominate meetings? I covered most of this above, but I do feel it engenders resentments against those people who consistently dominate and may also cause new people not to return because they don't want to be subjected to endless droning. I don't think anyone should be allowed to share twice unless no-one else speaks up. I need to say this at the next inventory.
15. How can I be a part of the solution to my group's problems and not part of the problem? I need to attend all meetings about group function and offer my opinions.
16. Am I giving with love? How? Every day I dedicate myself to finding a way to be a blessing to others - even if just in a small way. It is like the bookmarker with "Just for Today" advice - being of service. I feel a great love towards others in my group and family.
17. Do I listen with love to others with whom I either don't agree or dislike? I sometimes feel irritated by some sharing as I feel it is off program, but I work on continuing to listen with kindness. There are only a few people I don't like much - those tend to be the dominators, the whiners, or the super religious/mentally ill. Something about them is offputting to me. I realize how when I do those kinds of behaviors that I am offputting to others also.
18. Am I an informed member of Al-Anon, supporting local, national etc Al-Anon in all their affairs? How can I become informed? I am somewhat informed. I listen to announcements, read the bulletins and GSR notebook, and read the literature. Little by little, I am learning the program.
19. Do I welcome newcomers in the same manner as y long-time Al-Anon friends? Am I willing to change? I listen to what they say and am learning to say those things also. I try to make time to talk to a new person after the meeting and focus in an especially supportive way for them. I try to keep a connection going with someone with whom I feel a special attraction.
20. When I share, am I honest in sharing the good and the bad? Do I listen to the wisdom of long-time members? My sponsor? I crave the wisdom of long-time members as I see their serenity and want to attain that and then share with others. I listen to my sponsor also although I sometimes feel I need to seek out others who have actually done all the steps.
21. Do I understand there are no rules but only suggested guidelines? Yes. I like that as it is not too rigid, but the guidelines give a framework. From there we can work together to make our group beneficial to all who come.
Friday, January 27, 2012
Friday, January 13, 2012
Step 8 - Pathways Questions
1. Have I resisted making a list? If so, why? No. I am perfectly willing to make amends.
2. Did I use my fourth step as a tool for making a list? I did write down resentments. Those people are basically the ones on the list.
3. Did I consult with my sponsor or others as to how they made their list? No, but I did refer to conference materials when determining how to go about making the list. What suggestions did they make? How can I learn from them? It is helpful to see who others decide to approach this step; then to see how they actually approached those to whom they wish to make amends.
4. Am I willing to make amends? Yes. If yes, am I willing to write about my experience? Yes.
5. How have I used rationalization or justification to block me from becoming willing? I have said that I did not harm that person, that they did more to me, or that I don't really want to reestablish a relationship with that person for reasons of safety or just not having had much of a relationship anyway. I don't know if this is really avoiding with Kathy or Alyse. I think I need to talk to people more about this. I also felt that I have already made amends with some even though I didn't call it that when talking to them. Is this a rationalization to avoid a formal amend?
6. Do I understand that willingness is different from actually making the amend? Describe the differences. In this step, I list whom I think I have harmed and become ready to deal with the rift or the apology. I do not actually plan out how I will make an amend. I just decide that I am both ready and willing to make amends.
7. Have I considered praying for the willingness? Yes. I have prayed for willingness and a way to do it that is kind and restorative to both parties. How patient am I to become willing to make the difficult amends? Quite patient - perhaps it will take a long time for the appropriate moment to present itself. Just the willingness and listing the people is a tremendous relief.
8. How willing am I to be completely honest? Quite willing, but sometimes I lack courage to say exactly what I feel if I think it might hurt so I have to find a way that is kind but says my feelings.
9. Which people on my list am I willing to contact first? Myself and my daughter because we are both working a program and will understand. That means if I screw up, it is less important and we know.
10. Have I included myself? Why? Yes. I have hurt myself by beating myself up pretty constantly.
11. How does the God of my understanding play a role in this step? I am praying for the knowledge of whom I hurt beyond my family. I also will need courage and the feeling I am not alone in case that person does not respond well.
12. Can I share with my group my thoughts, feelings, and challenges with this step? Yes.
13. How can I encourage those I sponsor to begin working this step? I do not sponsor anyone yet. I wanted to give myself two years and have personal experience with all the steps before becoming a sponsor. Otherwise, if I haven't had that experience, I don't believe I can truly understand and assist. I would encourage them first to think about it and follow the Pathways guidelines as well as talking to others about how they approached it. I can also talk about the relief I feel to see those people in print and understand better how my actions harmed them.
14. As I work this step, how do I envision it helping with the relationships in my life? It is vital that I see my part in any issues and step up to take responsibility for it immediately rather than letting it fester. It is equally important that I speak up about any negative feelings and check them out with others before building long-term resentments.
15. In reviewing my list, is there a pattern reflecting new defects in my character? Can I see how those defects harmed others? Is this a pattern I identified in steps 6 and 7? Yes, my taking control did not allow them to face the consequences of their actions and grow as a result. I also tend to have tunnel vision and not pay enough attention to others or what is going on around me. As a result, my children didn't feel I was listening or cared about them. I tended to throw money/things at them instead of taking time from my job. I focused too much on one problem that I didn't see the others.
16. Do I recognize when minding others' business may have harmed them or others? Am I willing to recognize my need to make an amend? Yes to both
2. Did I use my fourth step as a tool for making a list? I did write down resentments. Those people are basically the ones on the list.
3. Did I consult with my sponsor or others as to how they made their list? No, but I did refer to conference materials when determining how to go about making the list. What suggestions did they make? How can I learn from them? It is helpful to see who others decide to approach this step; then to see how they actually approached those to whom they wish to make amends.
4. Am I willing to make amends? Yes. If yes, am I willing to write about my experience? Yes.
5. How have I used rationalization or justification to block me from becoming willing? I have said that I did not harm that person, that they did more to me, or that I don't really want to reestablish a relationship with that person for reasons of safety or just not having had much of a relationship anyway. I don't know if this is really avoiding with Kathy or Alyse. I think I need to talk to people more about this. I also felt that I have already made amends with some even though I didn't call it that when talking to them. Is this a rationalization to avoid a formal amend?
6. Do I understand that willingness is different from actually making the amend? Describe the differences. In this step, I list whom I think I have harmed and become ready to deal with the rift or the apology. I do not actually plan out how I will make an amend. I just decide that I am both ready and willing to make amends.
7. Have I considered praying for the willingness? Yes. I have prayed for willingness and a way to do it that is kind and restorative to both parties. How patient am I to become willing to make the difficult amends? Quite patient - perhaps it will take a long time for the appropriate moment to present itself. Just the willingness and listing the people is a tremendous relief.
8. How willing am I to be completely honest? Quite willing, but sometimes I lack courage to say exactly what I feel if I think it might hurt so I have to find a way that is kind but says my feelings.
9. Which people on my list am I willing to contact first? Myself and my daughter because we are both working a program and will understand. That means if I screw up, it is less important and we know.
10. Have I included myself? Why? Yes. I have hurt myself by beating myself up pretty constantly.
11. How does the God of my understanding play a role in this step? I am praying for the knowledge of whom I hurt beyond my family. I also will need courage and the feeling I am not alone in case that person does not respond well.
12. Can I share with my group my thoughts, feelings, and challenges with this step? Yes.
13. How can I encourage those I sponsor to begin working this step? I do not sponsor anyone yet. I wanted to give myself two years and have personal experience with all the steps before becoming a sponsor. Otherwise, if I haven't had that experience, I don't believe I can truly understand and assist. I would encourage them first to think about it and follow the Pathways guidelines as well as talking to others about how they approached it. I can also talk about the relief I feel to see those people in print and understand better how my actions harmed them.
14. As I work this step, how do I envision it helping with the relationships in my life? It is vital that I see my part in any issues and step up to take responsibility for it immediately rather than letting it fester. It is equally important that I speak up about any negative feelings and check them out with others before building long-term resentments.
15. In reviewing my list, is there a pattern reflecting new defects in my character? Can I see how those defects harmed others? Is this a pattern I identified in steps 6 and 7? Yes, my taking control did not allow them to face the consequences of their actions and grow as a result. I also tend to have tunnel vision and not pay enough attention to others or what is going on around me. As a result, my children didn't feel I was listening or cared about them. I tended to throw money/things at them instead of taking time from my job. I focused too much on one problem that I didn't see the others.
16. Do I recognize when minding others' business may have harmed them or others? Am I willing to recognize my need to make an amend? Yes to both
Step 8 - Made of List of Person I Have Harmed and Became Willing to Make Amends to Them All
Whom I Have Harmed
1. myself
2. Keisuke
3. Kiku
4. Glen
5. Kazuya
6. Alyse
7. Kathy
8. Becky
9. vet clerk
How I Have Harmed
1. blaming myself; berating myself
2. by stepping in to fix everything; by not realizing the extent of the damage done forcing him to go to his dad's; talking about his problems to others; being to focused on my own discouragement to really listen; by always rescuing him and allowing him to be abusive to me and become a taker and not a giver
3. rescuing with money/getting things at last minute; putting Keisuke's problems above the attention she deserved/not realizing how much harm was being done to her; talking about her private issues to others when it wasn't appropriate; being too wrapped up in my pain to listen well; not knowing how to approach when I observed issues
4. demanding perfection/high expectations/nagging about smoking and other behaviors/trying to control; overreacting to his anxiety; being too wrapped up in self pity to be kind
5. leaving without attempting other ways to work out the marriage/not knowing that alcoholism is a disease and trying to be supportive and encouraging; allowing him to do nothing and to be abusive
6, 7, 8 not having the courage to say what it is about her behavior that bothers me/confront her directly - might not help the situation but perhaps being honest rather than building the resentments might have helped
9 got upset with her for sticking to vet policies I don't agree with - she was snippy, but I didn't need to respond in kind - it happened when I was hitting my bottom
Appropriate Amends
1. Use the tools to let go and let God
2. stop stepping in; let him live his own life; encourage him to work through the damage however he chooses; work on myself, mind my own business; let him fail/hit bottom; apologize for my mistakes and do better but also make clear that he needs to fix it; I won't step in - sometimes even if he asks me too; call 911 if he becomes threatening or abusive/ruins any of my things; natural consequences
3. let her experience consequences and be willing to spend time/give assistance when asked - if it does not violate the appropriate boundaries/silver rule of Al-Anon; continue to work on myself; give focused listening and encouragement
4. Think before I speak; let go of old issues; stop nagging/ keep my mouth shut; let stuff go
5. apologized; continue to try to be kind and not react to his behavior
6. 7, 8 become more honest all along with future people in my life - speak up for myself and not accept the unacceptable; stick to my boundaries; not really sure I want to rekindle much of a relationship as we didn't really have one anyway
9 go back and explain/apologize
1. myself
2. Keisuke
3. Kiku
4. Glen
5. Kazuya
6. Alyse
7. Kathy
8. Becky
9. vet clerk
How I Have Harmed
1. blaming myself; berating myself
2. by stepping in to fix everything; by not realizing the extent of the damage done forcing him to go to his dad's; talking about his problems to others; being to focused on my own discouragement to really listen; by always rescuing him and allowing him to be abusive to me and become a taker and not a giver
3. rescuing with money/getting things at last minute; putting Keisuke's problems above the attention she deserved/not realizing how much harm was being done to her; talking about her private issues to others when it wasn't appropriate; being too wrapped up in my pain to listen well; not knowing how to approach when I observed issues
4. demanding perfection/high expectations/nagging about smoking and other behaviors/trying to control; overreacting to his anxiety; being too wrapped up in self pity to be kind
5. leaving without attempting other ways to work out the marriage/not knowing that alcoholism is a disease and trying to be supportive and encouraging; allowing him to do nothing and to be abusive
6, 7, 8 not having the courage to say what it is about her behavior that bothers me/confront her directly - might not help the situation but perhaps being honest rather than building the resentments might have helped
9 got upset with her for sticking to vet policies I don't agree with - she was snippy, but I didn't need to respond in kind - it happened when I was hitting my bottom
Appropriate Amends
1. Use the tools to let go and let God
2. stop stepping in; let him live his own life; encourage him to work through the damage however he chooses; work on myself, mind my own business; let him fail/hit bottom; apologize for my mistakes and do better but also make clear that he needs to fix it; I won't step in - sometimes even if he asks me too; call 911 if he becomes threatening or abusive/ruins any of my things; natural consequences
3. let her experience consequences and be willing to spend time/give assistance when asked - if it does not violate the appropriate boundaries/silver rule of Al-Anon; continue to work on myself; give focused listening and encouragement
4. Think before I speak; let go of old issues; stop nagging/ keep my mouth shut; let stuff go
5. apologized; continue to try to be kind and not react to his behavior
6. 7, 8 become more honest all along with future people in my life - speak up for myself and not accept the unacceptable; stick to my boundaries; not really sure I want to rekindle much of a relationship as we didn't really have one anyway
9 go back and explain/apologize
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Step 7 - Pathways Answers
Humbly asked God to Remove all our Shortcomings
1. What does humility mean to me? Whom do I know who possesses this trait? Humility means that I do not put on airs or try to be more than I am just to impress people. It means that I am aware that I do not have all the answers and am not correct all the time. I am confident in myself but retain the knowledge that I cannot be all or do all. I sometimes need help and am able to both seek it and accept it. These people are secure in themselves.
hiking group: Margaret, Nancy, Regina Al Anon: Dale, Kathy D., southern Mary, Marty
2. Am I humble? What can help me be so? I am not always able to be humble. Sometimes I find myself feeling superior - usually in the form of being smarter than someone else. I can use the program to remind myself that I am not better or worse than anyone else. I can talk to my sponsor about situations that trigger pride or shame so that I can find the root cause and deal with it. I can ask God for assistance. I also tend to compare myself to others instead of focusing on being my very best.
3. What old behaviors get in the way of my being humble? Pride - my only asset I was praised for was my intelligence so I tend to lean on it as being a great asset. I watched my father patronize others and learned that behavior also. I never thought I was as awful about it as he was, but I have to guard against it with my husband in particular and sometimes the thoughts come about students or others who are not as intelligent. I think I know best about many things, but since I have obviously made a mess of some parts of my life, I do not always know best!
4. What defects am I ready to have removed? Judgmental thoughts; impatience in traffic and lines as well as with those less quick than I am; obsessive behavior; overreactions to small things; need to control what happens in a relationship; excessive worry; comparing myself to others in terms of appearance, material goods, and hiking speed/ability.
5. Do I believe that my HP can remove these defects? How do I know this? Yes, I believe that He has supernatural power - beyond my own limited ability to remove them from me. I feel his power and loving feelings toward me. Only God can change me from the inside. He keeps putting me in those situations so that I can practice doing the right thing.
6. Am I ready to ask God to remove these defects? Yes. I felt afraid, but faith tells me that the defects will be removed and replaced with healthy behavior. I am not always sure what purpose they served, but I think sometimes it was a release pressure valve or some kind of comfort in the midst of insanity - some feeling of control - an illusion but helpful at the time.
7. How do I humbly ask God to remove these defects? I will add this to my prayers saying that I am willing to do what I am asked= God's will but not pray in a controlling or demanding way - just asking when God is also ready could he please remove my defects.
8. Which shortcoming is causing me the most trouble right now? Excessive worry and anxiety - it's always there below the surface. I am constantly fighting it. I will dip into depression if I dwell too much on what my son is doing or the possibility that my daughter could return to drugs. I am future tripping about things that haven't happened. Sometimes the worry is based on real history, but I cannot know the outcome. I would like to learn to let these go - make plans and set goals but leave the results to God and still go about my day and life with serenity - not waiting for the next act of a child to ruin my day/life. It is difficult for me to find good things in each day as I tend to always be planning something and miss what is happening in the moment and get anxious about how things will turn out - kids will be healed? Kids will find that open door and go through it? Kids will have good careers, partners? Will we have enough money?
What benefits do I get from it? Acting on the worry makes me feel I am doing something to solve the problem. It occupies my mind. What problems does it cause? Depression. The feeling that I need to go haring off right now and try to do something about it instead of waiting to see what will happen naturally. I have a hard time waiting.
9. How can I treat myself with compassion in my recovery and ask for the willingness to keep trying? I can forgive myself if I obsess. I can find other ways to occupy my mind such as a task left undone or do some reading of inspirational literature. I can exercise to become calm. I can listen to music, sit in the hot tub. I can pray for assistance in letting the problem go. Once I have looked at the angles, I can decide what the solution is I would like; then say to God find the creative solution that I can't see and help me to wait it out until I see what will happen.
10. Do I have a sponsor? Yes. If not, what character defects would I have to overcome in order to ask for help? I had to find the courage to face my fear of rejection.
11. What can I do to cooperate with my higher power to remove my shortcomings? I can make the choice daily to not have that defect, to breathe through anxiety and frustration, to take a quiet moment to pray and ask for guidance and help in meeting my goals. I can pray to know God's will for me and wait until I hear it. I can choose each day to walk a healthy path and to live with complete integrity. I can rededicate myself to excellence daily.
12. What positive changes can I make in myself? Every day I can choose to make it a great day. By actually speaking the words and not giving in to negative voices/taping, I can be successful with the positive changes/goals I have set for myself. I can put forth effort to stop myself from voicing frustration or any complaints.
13. What positive trait do I want to develop to substitute for a trait I want to eliminate?
obsession/anxiety: ability to let go and let God
overeating: ability to maintain discipline and self control
disorganization in filing and in house: ability to maintain discipline to work on this weekly so I can find things I need
impatience and frustration intolerance: ability to retain serenity in these situations by using slogans etc.
judgmental: let go of comparisons between me and others or any feelings of superiority and inferiority which result in judgmental thoughts
financial irresponsibility: maintain discipline for myself and children; if we aren't willing to save up for it and pay cash, we can't have it exceptions: emergencies like car or medical
14. What can I do this week to practice a positive trait? I can attempt to get enough sleep as my attitude and feeling is always better so not get involved in a good movie or show after 9; not exercise after 9; began relaxation techniques by 9; remind myself to relax when I get tense; thank God every day for the things I have that are good; ask for help with problems; release children and problems to God's care; breathe and quote slogans when in traffic or lines or with Glen
15, Have I had any fears removed from my life? Which ones? I don't know if I can say totally removed, but my fear and anxiety levels have greatly decreased overall. I feel I am gaining the strength to be more courageous in speaking my piece and sticking to my principles.
16. What negative behaviors or traits are lessening or have been removed? My negative attitude that life is just a burden to bear, my negative attitude that work is just something to be endured, and in general just feeling happier and more positive about life based on my choices and retaping my usual script in my mind. I feel that my quick trigger to panic in general has lessened because I have tools to maintain my serenity now. I run to those when I feel that fear rising. I also know now to look at what could be causing that feeling of chest tightening. Is it something I'm avoiding? Is it something I need to deal with or listen to now?
17.What slogan could remind me to find a substitute for a negative behavior I wish to release? In many cases, how important is it, easy does it, or let go and let God work for many of those. The impatience is hit by the first two; the fears by the third; the obsessions by the first two. Think is another good one - think before I react in the old ways. Think before I try to chase down a child to talk and make suggestions.
18. Am I able to see challenges as opportunities to practice new behaviors? I can still start to go off the deep end, but then I catch myself. I then try to implement my new ways and learning. Little by little, it is becoming easier.
19. Am I able to laugh fondly at my mistakes and not be devastated when I am not perfect? Can I love and celebrate my humanness while working for balance? Yes. I found myself laughing at how incredibly small and humorous my behavior can be when I was talking with the counselor about the reasons Glen and I don't enjoy vacations together. It is so trivial; yet I took it all so seriously. I am learning that it is okay not to be perfect, but I am trying to rededicate myself to uncompromisingly doing my best.
20. As I turn my defects over to God, are new shortcomings coming to light? If so, can I continue to ask God for help? Yes and yes. I do see now that I have compromised on doing my best at work, but I can forgive myself because I believe my energy was needed for recovery plus all my emotional energy used to go into the insane behavior. I am learning to hear that little voice that tells me when I need to make a change.
21. As I work step 7, do I see a change in my relationship with my HP? I think I have truly become more willing to let him take over my burdens. I can do what I can do and let God deal with the rest. It is a relief not to continually dwell on the problems and hurts.
1. What does humility mean to me? Whom do I know who possesses this trait? Humility means that I do not put on airs or try to be more than I am just to impress people. It means that I am aware that I do not have all the answers and am not correct all the time. I am confident in myself but retain the knowledge that I cannot be all or do all. I sometimes need help and am able to both seek it and accept it. These people are secure in themselves.
hiking group: Margaret, Nancy, Regina Al Anon: Dale, Kathy D., southern Mary, Marty
2. Am I humble? What can help me be so? I am not always able to be humble. Sometimes I find myself feeling superior - usually in the form of being smarter than someone else. I can use the program to remind myself that I am not better or worse than anyone else. I can talk to my sponsor about situations that trigger pride or shame so that I can find the root cause and deal with it. I can ask God for assistance. I also tend to compare myself to others instead of focusing on being my very best.
3. What old behaviors get in the way of my being humble? Pride - my only asset I was praised for was my intelligence so I tend to lean on it as being a great asset. I watched my father patronize others and learned that behavior also. I never thought I was as awful about it as he was, but I have to guard against it with my husband in particular and sometimes the thoughts come about students or others who are not as intelligent. I think I know best about many things, but since I have obviously made a mess of some parts of my life, I do not always know best!
4. What defects am I ready to have removed? Judgmental thoughts; impatience in traffic and lines as well as with those less quick than I am; obsessive behavior; overreactions to small things; need to control what happens in a relationship; excessive worry; comparing myself to others in terms of appearance, material goods, and hiking speed/ability.
5. Do I believe that my HP can remove these defects? How do I know this? Yes, I believe that He has supernatural power - beyond my own limited ability to remove them from me. I feel his power and loving feelings toward me. Only God can change me from the inside. He keeps putting me in those situations so that I can practice doing the right thing.
6. Am I ready to ask God to remove these defects? Yes. I felt afraid, but faith tells me that the defects will be removed and replaced with healthy behavior. I am not always sure what purpose they served, but I think sometimes it was a release pressure valve or some kind of comfort in the midst of insanity - some feeling of control - an illusion but helpful at the time.
7. How do I humbly ask God to remove these defects? I will add this to my prayers saying that I am willing to do what I am asked= God's will but not pray in a controlling or demanding way - just asking when God is also ready could he please remove my defects.
8. Which shortcoming is causing me the most trouble right now? Excessive worry and anxiety - it's always there below the surface. I am constantly fighting it. I will dip into depression if I dwell too much on what my son is doing or the possibility that my daughter could return to drugs. I am future tripping about things that haven't happened. Sometimes the worry is based on real history, but I cannot know the outcome. I would like to learn to let these go - make plans and set goals but leave the results to God and still go about my day and life with serenity - not waiting for the next act of a child to ruin my day/life. It is difficult for me to find good things in each day as I tend to always be planning something and miss what is happening in the moment and get anxious about how things will turn out - kids will be healed? Kids will find that open door and go through it? Kids will have good careers, partners? Will we have enough money?
What benefits do I get from it? Acting on the worry makes me feel I am doing something to solve the problem. It occupies my mind. What problems does it cause? Depression. The feeling that I need to go haring off right now and try to do something about it instead of waiting to see what will happen naturally. I have a hard time waiting.
9. How can I treat myself with compassion in my recovery and ask for the willingness to keep trying? I can forgive myself if I obsess. I can find other ways to occupy my mind such as a task left undone or do some reading of inspirational literature. I can exercise to become calm. I can listen to music, sit in the hot tub. I can pray for assistance in letting the problem go. Once I have looked at the angles, I can decide what the solution is I would like; then say to God find the creative solution that I can't see and help me to wait it out until I see what will happen.
10. Do I have a sponsor? Yes. If not, what character defects would I have to overcome in order to ask for help? I had to find the courage to face my fear of rejection.
11. What can I do to cooperate with my higher power to remove my shortcomings? I can make the choice daily to not have that defect, to breathe through anxiety and frustration, to take a quiet moment to pray and ask for guidance and help in meeting my goals. I can pray to know God's will for me and wait until I hear it. I can choose each day to walk a healthy path and to live with complete integrity. I can rededicate myself to excellence daily.
12. What positive changes can I make in myself? Every day I can choose to make it a great day. By actually speaking the words and not giving in to negative voices/taping, I can be successful with the positive changes/goals I have set for myself. I can put forth effort to stop myself from voicing frustration or any complaints.
13. What positive trait do I want to develop to substitute for a trait I want to eliminate?
obsession/anxiety: ability to let go and let God
overeating: ability to maintain discipline and self control
disorganization in filing and in house: ability to maintain discipline to work on this weekly so I can find things I need
impatience and frustration intolerance: ability to retain serenity in these situations by using slogans etc.
judgmental: let go of comparisons between me and others or any feelings of superiority and inferiority which result in judgmental thoughts
financial irresponsibility: maintain discipline for myself and children; if we aren't willing to save up for it and pay cash, we can't have it exceptions: emergencies like car or medical
14. What can I do this week to practice a positive trait? I can attempt to get enough sleep as my attitude and feeling is always better so not get involved in a good movie or show after 9; not exercise after 9; began relaxation techniques by 9; remind myself to relax when I get tense; thank God every day for the things I have that are good; ask for help with problems; release children and problems to God's care; breathe and quote slogans when in traffic or lines or with Glen
15, Have I had any fears removed from my life? Which ones? I don't know if I can say totally removed, but my fear and anxiety levels have greatly decreased overall. I feel I am gaining the strength to be more courageous in speaking my piece and sticking to my principles.
16. What negative behaviors or traits are lessening or have been removed? My negative attitude that life is just a burden to bear, my negative attitude that work is just something to be endured, and in general just feeling happier and more positive about life based on my choices and retaping my usual script in my mind. I feel that my quick trigger to panic in general has lessened because I have tools to maintain my serenity now. I run to those when I feel that fear rising. I also know now to look at what could be causing that feeling of chest tightening. Is it something I'm avoiding? Is it something I need to deal with or listen to now?
17.What slogan could remind me to find a substitute for a negative behavior I wish to release? In many cases, how important is it, easy does it, or let go and let God work for many of those. The impatience is hit by the first two; the fears by the third; the obsessions by the first two. Think is another good one - think before I react in the old ways. Think before I try to chase down a child to talk and make suggestions.
18. Am I able to see challenges as opportunities to practice new behaviors? I can still start to go off the deep end, but then I catch myself. I then try to implement my new ways and learning. Little by little, it is becoming easier.
19. Am I able to laugh fondly at my mistakes and not be devastated when I am not perfect? Can I love and celebrate my humanness while working for balance? Yes. I found myself laughing at how incredibly small and humorous my behavior can be when I was talking with the counselor about the reasons Glen and I don't enjoy vacations together. It is so trivial; yet I took it all so seriously. I am learning that it is okay not to be perfect, but I am trying to rededicate myself to uncompromisingly doing my best.
20. As I turn my defects over to God, are new shortcomings coming to light? If so, can I continue to ask God for help? Yes and yes. I do see now that I have compromised on doing my best at work, but I can forgive myself because I believe my energy was needed for recovery plus all my emotional energy used to go into the insane behavior. I am learning to hear that little voice that tells me when I need to make a change.
21. As I work step 7, do I see a change in my relationship with my HP? I think I have truly become more willing to let him take over my burdens. I can do what I can do and let God deal with the rest. It is a relief not to continually dwell on the problems and hurts.
Goals for 2012
1. lose 60 lbs
2. stick to boundaries with kids with help of counselor and Al-Anon
3. finish steps 7-12 and other self improvement
4. get into and retain shape for lots of outings
5. earn/find enough money to not add to the debt and hopefully drop it a bit
6. Kiku onto her own loan and keeps up at school.
7. Keisuke does well at school.
8. Improve relationships.
9. Build my language skills particularly kanji and French
10. filing and other chores get done daily/weekly so I feel disciplined and organized
11. walk dog and other exercise goals
2. stick to boundaries with kids with help of counselor and Al-Anon
3. finish steps 7-12 and other self improvement
4. get into and retain shape for lots of outings
5. earn/find enough money to not add to the debt and hopefully drop it a bit
6. Kiku onto her own loan and keeps up at school.
7. Keisuke does well at school.
8. Improve relationships.
9. Build my language skills particularly kanji and French
10. filing and other chores get done daily/weekly so I feel disciplined and organized
11. walk dog and other exercise goals
Friday, November 25, 2011
Step 6 - were entirely willing to have God remove all these defects of character
1. Have I completed working the first five steps to the best of my ability? Yes. Am I willing to go back and look at them if I feel overwhelmed in working this step? Yes.
2. What have I learned from my sponsor or another Al-Anon member on how they worked Step Six? I will talk to her about this step soon. I will also call others to see if they have completed the step.
3. As a result of working Step Five, am I grateful that there is a Step Six to work? Yes. I found areas that could be removed for me to be healthier and happier. I feel much more serene now that I know the areas and can see how they are hurting me. I am ready to replace these defects with assets.
4. Do I clearly understand the concept of readiness? Yes. It means that I am ready to have God step in to take away these defects. If I feel scared about losing any of them, I am probably not ready. However, I feel ready. I know I can't do this alone.
5. How do I know if I am ready? I believe God will lead me. I feel it is time to let these defects go. My continued serenity depends on continued working of this program.
6. If I am not entirely ready, how might I turn these fears over to God? I will ask him for help daily. I know this is not on my timetable but on God's.
7. What fears block me from being entirely ready? The defects serve some kind of protection purpose. Dreaming about revenge allowed me not to feel so much pain. I feel that most of the defects protected me from pain. I don't like pain, but I have learned that not facing it brings double the pain down the line.
8. Can I ask God for the willingness to be ready? Yes. I will ask him to help me face the pain and let go of the defects.
9. In what ways to I trust God in working this step? I know he won't take action unless I am truly ready. I believe that means I will have enough support, knowledge, and new attitudes/behaviors to make it possible.
10. Am I willing to let go of all of my defects of character? Yes. Why? I feel they no longer serve a purpose in my new healthy life.
11. Which ones would I prefer to hold onto? What advantages do I see in holding onto them? Perhaps some of the obsession because it does give me the push to organize events and get out and exercise. Impatience gives me a release valve in traffic. Not being direct as it has the advantage of not hurting others - diplomacy is good, but running away from being honest is not.
12. Which defects of character also contained assets? The ones I just mentioned.
13. What does "have God remove all my defects of character mean to me? It means that the impatience, obsession with time, being in my head, anxiety, etc are replaced by healthier ways to deal with life.
14. How do I trust and feel confident that my God is there? I see amazing beauty that to me holds a master designer's touch. I talk to God and feel flooded with such a wonderful sense of peace - the feeling that all is well and will work out much better than I could have ever planned.
15. Do I understand why this step speaks only of my own relationship with God? What does this mean to me? I am a unique individual. My defects are not the same as anyone else's. The blend of my personality belongs to no other in the word; therefore, this is only about me and God.
16. How am I grateful that I now know God? I think God has wanted this for a long time and has given me many chances to know Him; yet I walked away. I feel peace whenever I make contact with God. Now I feel that He is always with me. I can thank him for all the good things, and I can reach out in bad times and feel that it will work out. Before I lived my life in despair and didn't feel life had much to offer me. I had lost the joy of being alive and thought I was doomed to misery. I despaired at all the hard knocks. Now I realize these are my opportunities for growth, my lessons, my way to learn to see the good in all that happens and remember that it's part of a master plan. I can't know or see the reasons immediately or perhaps ever, but there is a plan for me. I am where I need to be. I can always remember that if one door closes, another opens and often with double the opportunity/favor as long as I keep the faith.
17. Can I make a commitment to share in Al-Anon how I worked this step? Yes.
18. How have I encouraged those I sponsor to work this step? I haven't sponsored yet so will answer this one in a year or two.
19. Will I consider chairing a meeting or workshop on the power of this step? Eventually when I feel more confident.
20. What evidence do I see in my life today of God's willingness to help me improve my behavior? How can I do my part? I am able to see clearly what I am doing. I feel God is there reminding me to use slogans and to keep my attitude and thinking positive. It is my part to follow those feelings/nudges out of the bad place and remember to trust that he is leading me on my path.
21. Do I make demands on God, praying for a specific result rather than trusting God to know which defect is most important to remove? I don't ask for a specific one. I just ask for help in improving myself. He knows better than I do which one needs to go first. I can't possibly determine that.
22. How can I look at all these characteristics from a fresh point of view today? I no longer beat myself up and relive mistakes constantly. I realize they are survival features even if I don't know why they started or what purpose they serve. I am finding ways to deal with them positively and asked constantly for God's help.
23. Other than let go and let God, what other slogans or tools help me with this step? I find myself using "Easy does it" or How Important is it? quite often. It reminds me not to obsess on time or get in too big a hurry and wreck something.
2. What have I learned from my sponsor or another Al-Anon member on how they worked Step Six? I will talk to her about this step soon. I will also call others to see if they have completed the step.
3. As a result of working Step Five, am I grateful that there is a Step Six to work? Yes. I found areas that could be removed for me to be healthier and happier. I feel much more serene now that I know the areas and can see how they are hurting me. I am ready to replace these defects with assets.
4. Do I clearly understand the concept of readiness? Yes. It means that I am ready to have God step in to take away these defects. If I feel scared about losing any of them, I am probably not ready. However, I feel ready. I know I can't do this alone.
5. How do I know if I am ready? I believe God will lead me. I feel it is time to let these defects go. My continued serenity depends on continued working of this program.
6. If I am not entirely ready, how might I turn these fears over to God? I will ask him for help daily. I know this is not on my timetable but on God's.
7. What fears block me from being entirely ready? The defects serve some kind of protection purpose. Dreaming about revenge allowed me not to feel so much pain. I feel that most of the defects protected me from pain. I don't like pain, but I have learned that not facing it brings double the pain down the line.
8. Can I ask God for the willingness to be ready? Yes. I will ask him to help me face the pain and let go of the defects.
9. In what ways to I trust God in working this step? I know he won't take action unless I am truly ready. I believe that means I will have enough support, knowledge, and new attitudes/behaviors to make it possible.
10. Am I willing to let go of all of my defects of character? Yes. Why? I feel they no longer serve a purpose in my new healthy life.
11. Which ones would I prefer to hold onto? What advantages do I see in holding onto them? Perhaps some of the obsession because it does give me the push to organize events and get out and exercise. Impatience gives me a release valve in traffic. Not being direct as it has the advantage of not hurting others - diplomacy is good, but running away from being honest is not.
12. Which defects of character also contained assets? The ones I just mentioned.
13. What does "have God remove all my defects of character mean to me? It means that the impatience, obsession with time, being in my head, anxiety, etc are replaced by healthier ways to deal with life.
14. How do I trust and feel confident that my God is there? I see amazing beauty that to me holds a master designer's touch. I talk to God and feel flooded with such a wonderful sense of peace - the feeling that all is well and will work out much better than I could have ever planned.
15. Do I understand why this step speaks only of my own relationship with God? What does this mean to me? I am a unique individual. My defects are not the same as anyone else's. The blend of my personality belongs to no other in the word; therefore, this is only about me and God.
16. How am I grateful that I now know God? I think God has wanted this for a long time and has given me many chances to know Him; yet I walked away. I feel peace whenever I make contact with God. Now I feel that He is always with me. I can thank him for all the good things, and I can reach out in bad times and feel that it will work out. Before I lived my life in despair and didn't feel life had much to offer me. I had lost the joy of being alive and thought I was doomed to misery. I despaired at all the hard knocks. Now I realize these are my opportunities for growth, my lessons, my way to learn to see the good in all that happens and remember that it's part of a master plan. I can't know or see the reasons immediately or perhaps ever, but there is a plan for me. I am where I need to be. I can always remember that if one door closes, another opens and often with double the opportunity/favor as long as I keep the faith.
17. Can I make a commitment to share in Al-Anon how I worked this step? Yes.
18. How have I encouraged those I sponsor to work this step? I haven't sponsored yet so will answer this one in a year or two.
19. Will I consider chairing a meeting or workshop on the power of this step? Eventually when I feel more confident.
20. What evidence do I see in my life today of God's willingness to help me improve my behavior? How can I do my part? I am able to see clearly what I am doing. I feel God is there reminding me to use slogans and to keep my attitude and thinking positive. It is my part to follow those feelings/nudges out of the bad place and remember to trust that he is leading me on my path.
21. Do I make demands on God, praying for a specific result rather than trusting God to know which defect is most important to remove? I don't ask for a specific one. I just ask for help in improving myself. He knows better than I do which one needs to go first. I can't possibly determine that.
22. How can I look at all these characteristics from a fresh point of view today? I no longer beat myself up and relive mistakes constantly. I realize they are survival features even if I don't know why they started or what purpose they serve. I am finding ways to deal with them positively and asked constantly for God's help.
23. Other than let go and let God, what other slogans or tools help me with this step? I find myself using "Easy does it" or How Important is it? quite often. It reminds me not to obsess on time or get in too big a hurry and wreck something.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Needs and Wants 11/21/2011
1. Rick to sign off on the papers so the deal keeps going to the next level.
2. Bangerts to sign the covenant. The deal is done at that point.
3. We get the Sequim house.
Those are the pressing needs/wants right at this moment. In addition, ongoing needs/desires:
1. Keisuke changes his attitude to that of "can do" and finishes school.
2. Kiku learns to be fiscally responsible, stays clean, finishes school, and gets a good life on her terms.
3. Glen and I learn to work out our differences and come to a kinder, more intimate relationship.
4. Our financial burdens lessen; we feel less stressed about them: better pay and job for Glen; my job continues; Kazuya keeps his job; kids finish school and become independent.
5. We all learn better eating habits/ways to lose weight permanently.
6. We all continue in personal growth.
These are the main things I give to God. I have no control over these. I have done what I can to make them happen. It is up to God now. We are deserving of good things.
2. Bangerts to sign the covenant. The deal is done at that point.
3. We get the Sequim house.
Those are the pressing needs/wants right at this moment. In addition, ongoing needs/desires:
1. Keisuke changes his attitude to that of "can do" and finishes school.
2. Kiku learns to be fiscally responsible, stays clean, finishes school, and gets a good life on her terms.
3. Glen and I learn to work out our differences and come to a kinder, more intimate relationship.
4. Our financial burdens lessen; we feel less stressed about them: better pay and job for Glen; my job continues; Kazuya keeps his job; kids finish school and become independent.
5. We all learn better eating habits/ways to lose weight permanently.
6. We all continue in personal growth.
These are the main things I give to God. I have no control over these. I have done what I can to make them happen. It is up to God now. We are deserving of good things.
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