1. irritation I feel when spend lots of time with mom: try to figure out what that is
2. Kiku and Keisuke sarcastically/jokingly? making fun of me - I feel bad and get anxious and more stupid. Need to keep mouth shut with anxious/set a boundary about that - explain my true feelings.
3. Glen's big sighs and head shaking. That starts to set me off. It's controlling behavior and rather than state the issue he does that crap. It annoys me no end. My healthier reaction: walk away, don't yell at him, let him drive except that bothers me also because he doesn't process quickly enough when it's somewhere new. Mostly, I do let him drive, but I think we need to say that if I know where the place is and he doesn't, I need to be able to drive.
4. Traffic: learning to say serenity and breathe; let go and let God; live and let live
5. Too many places to be/not enough sleep: Need to do healthy bedtime routines starting around 9 and only meditate starting around 9:30. Do the abc to get back to sleep. Keep journals of duties so I don't have to keep thinking about them. Lessen number of places need to be unless the situation is urgent.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Friday, May 13, 2011
Friday the 13th Thoughts
1. Relieved it's Friday and that I have no students this afternoon so I can get a lot of other things accomplished.
2. Looking forward to the meeting with Kiku even though I know there will be pain. Pain leads to healing.
3. Thinking Dale might be willing to sponsor me. Time for me to get courageous and ask her in one of our phone calls.
4. Commit to 3 calls per week to people in the program
5. Recommit to exercise and fresh air rather than only keeping up with TV programs.
I'm just getting so exhausted. This is something that I let happen. I have to make myself stick with sleeping and budget boundaries. When I don't, I'm in the angry, tired, lonely area when it's not good for decisions of any type. I need to catch up on chores and sleep this weekend.
2. Looking forward to the meeting with Kiku even though I know there will be pain. Pain leads to healing.
3. Thinking Dale might be willing to sponsor me. Time for me to get courageous and ask her in one of our phone calls.
4. Commit to 3 calls per week to people in the program
5. Recommit to exercise and fresh air rather than only keeping up with TV programs.
I'm just getting so exhausted. This is something that I let happen. I have to make myself stick with sleeping and budget boundaries. When I don't, I'm in the angry, tired, lonely area when it's not good for decisions of any type. I need to catch up on chores and sleep this weekend.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Keisuke Boundaries
Keisuke, we need to discuss what we can and cannot do for you.
1. I need to know ahead of time what errands you need. You have been doing this well recently.
2. Some errands you can do for yourself. If there is anything you can do without me, you need to do that because that is part of being an adult.
3. You have to keep in mind what we can afford - particularly in light of my losing hours at work and our huge debts. Most of the debt has been incurred for buying things for you and Kiku that we really couldn't afford. We should not be paying out more than our income each month. Budgeting is a necessary, adult skill.
4. You can approach your dad yourself and ask him what he thinks he can afford in terms of monthly help for you while you are in school.
5. I cannot continue to buy lots of items. The debt load is a huge source of stress for me.
6. You have already agreed to sharing your quarterly progress with me.
7. I don't intend to sign a lease for a year as I truly feel that a roommate situation is better in terms of cost and emotional health.
1. I need to know ahead of time what errands you need. You have been doing this well recently.
2. Some errands you can do for yourself. If there is anything you can do without me, you need to do that because that is part of being an adult.
3. You have to keep in mind what we can afford - particularly in light of my losing hours at work and our huge debts. Most of the debt has been incurred for buying things for you and Kiku that we really couldn't afford. We should not be paying out more than our income each month. Budgeting is a necessary, adult skill.
4. You can approach your dad yourself and ask him what he thinks he can afford in terms of monthly help for you while you are in school.
5. I cannot continue to buy lots of items. The debt load is a huge source of stress for me.
6. You have already agreed to sharing your quarterly progress with me.
7. I don't intend to sign a lease for a year as I truly feel that a roommate situation is better in terms of cost and emotional health.
Family Meeting Thoughts
This blog's purpose is to help me put together my thoughts in preparation for a family meeting at the residence with Kiku.
1. Boundaries
These are the boundaries I wish to maintain:
1. I will not try to fix your problems unless you ask me for some help; then we will discuss which part you can do for yourself. I will no longer race to rescue you for something you need at the last minute. You need to plan errands for me ahead of time so that it is mutually convenient, and I am not expected to drop everything. I realize that I allowed this to happen by not being consistent with my boundaries. It led to resentment on my part which came out in the form of whining/complaining. That did no good for anyone.
2. I will be doing my best to follow the "if your neighbor did this, what would you do" philosophy. This means I won't be paying any more of your collection bills or your parking/other car involved tickets. You will have to accept the legal and financial consequences of those actions. I may also choose to prosecute you if you forge checks/steal from me again as it can only mean you are using. The Kiku I know would not do those things.
3. We expect that if you are living at home and working, you will turn over 75% of your paycheck to us for your college fund and towards making restitution to us for the debts we have incurred because of your actions.
4. I will practice active listening and better observation of your body language, but I also ask that you remain more open about your activities and feelings as you have started to be since you started detox. I like not having secrets and honest statements of our feelings/necessary information for your safety such as where you are when you leave home and how I can reach you and knowing that you will actually answer my messages = just as I try to be available for you. There were many times that I honestly thought you were dead, and my anxiety and fear levels were incredibly high and affected everything I did.
5. You are welcome you and want you back in our house IF you are continuing to work your program daily. We know you will be spending time healing at least for 3-6 months, but after that we would like to see you seeking a job/working and/or going to school AND making good progress at school/going to your job. I need to be allowed to see your grades every quarter since I have been financing your education. Additionally, I expect common courtesy such as showing up for appointments and returning messages in a timely manner, helping with chores around the house, not having items disappear or having to lock up my purse.
6. I will not buy clothes and make up items that are beyond our budget. It is not right for our family to go into debt so that you can have things that I can't even afford for myself. I do not want us to be pushed into bankruptcy or have to survive on government assistance in our old age.
7. I will do what I feel I can afford to help you if you return to school and do well there, but I think you might need to work for awhile first/try to secure a loan/find your own major source of financing for school as the money set aside for you has mostly been wasted. You may also need to have a part-time job and attend school part-time to build up funds and/or pay for tuition. If you do well, you might be able to find some assistance with tuition for grad school as I know that used to be your goal. I'm not saying it has to be. You need to find your own goals that work for you.
8. I need you to keep regular hours as we need our sleep for jobs as do you for going to your own job/studying.
9. I need to have your extra set of car keys. You need to agree to surrender your set of keys if you get any more tickets or accidents or I feel that you are using again. Your car insurance is already super high because of your poor driving record. We really shouldn't have to pay additional fees.
10. Be aware that I do need to talk to my own support people about what is happening as I have to process my feelings also. I don't want you to feel that I am betraying you, but keeping secrets isn't good for me or for any of us. I share with close friends, family, and Al-Anon. I will do my best to keep my mouth shut about extra details when we're out in public as I know you and Keisuke find Grandma's and my habit of talking too much rather embarrassing.
11. We can't keep buying things for you to use in the Residence. Let's get a list together and be mindful of the expenses. We need to put caps on all things we buy in order to get ourselves back out of debt and used to the habit of both budgeting and saving rather than instant gratification! We have spent a lot of money and time on this. We don't know much about the things you buy so it takes us a long time to find them. We need to practice some self care also.
My feelings:
Right now the needs of the one outweigh the needs of the many. We are willing to put our lives more or less on hold in order to best support you now that you are working so hard to conquer your addiction. If for some reason, you relapse but get right back on your program, we will still be standing with you. If you go back to that lifestyle, we can't support that. At that time, the needs of the many will take precedence. We can't go into bankruptcy for you, etc.
I love you so much. The most pain I had surrounded the fact that you had shut me out of your life. There was a wall that I didn't know how to get through. I could hardly bear the thought of never having a relationship with you. I used to lie on your bed holding your stuffed cat and cry for hours. That is how I knew I was hitting bottom. I would not have chosen this path for our family, and it may sound strange, but because of working my Al-Anon program, I am grateful that all this happened because you and I are communicating again at a true relationship level + I am now hopeful that our family can heal. Our family was torn apart by all the things that happened, and we were all spinning out of control. Most of them time I now feel some peace - as if our higher power is moving us in the right direction. It won't be easy, but we can make it together.
Before Al-Anon, I spent so much time wishing I could go back to last year and know how to deal effectively with the issue so that we could have stopped this when you first forged checks and I knew there was a serious problem. Almost a whole year of denial, worry, avoidance, feeling powerless went by. I approached it the wrong way so instead of getting you to accept treatment, I turned you away. After that, I just allowed myself to feel powerless until someone finally told me straight up you were a drug addict and that I needed to do an intervention. At that point, I finally realized that it was time to face the facts and admit that I had no control over this problem and ask for help rather than wallowing in self pity and blame. I started getting education and support. I believe that is when we turned the corner into taking back the power from this drug and pushing you in a way that would be effective for you to see that the drug was affecting your life in such a negative way and get you into treatment so that you could begin to have a real life with goals, joys, sorrows, love, and laughter. I began letting go of the what ifs - the what if she'd never met Dustin, what if she'd never been sick and thinking that you'd have graduated by now. We all need to let go of those thoughts as we are now on this path and moving forward one day at a time. You can have a future, and what I would like for that future is for you to be healthy - able to choose positive ways to cope with pain and content with your choices. We want you in our lives!
1. Boundaries
These are the boundaries I wish to maintain:
1. I will not try to fix your problems unless you ask me for some help; then we will discuss which part you can do for yourself. I will no longer race to rescue you for something you need at the last minute. You need to plan errands for me ahead of time so that it is mutually convenient, and I am not expected to drop everything. I realize that I allowed this to happen by not being consistent with my boundaries. It led to resentment on my part which came out in the form of whining/complaining. That did no good for anyone.
2. I will be doing my best to follow the "if your neighbor did this, what would you do" philosophy. This means I won't be paying any more of your collection bills or your parking/other car involved tickets. You will have to accept the legal and financial consequences of those actions. I may also choose to prosecute you if you forge checks/steal from me again as it can only mean you are using. The Kiku I know would not do those things.
3. We expect that if you are living at home and working, you will turn over 75% of your paycheck to us for your college fund and towards making restitution to us for the debts we have incurred because of your actions.
4. I will practice active listening and better observation of your body language, but I also ask that you remain more open about your activities and feelings as you have started to be since you started detox. I like not having secrets and honest statements of our feelings/necessary information for your safety such as where you are when you leave home and how I can reach you and knowing that you will actually answer my messages = just as I try to be available for you. There were many times that I honestly thought you were dead, and my anxiety and fear levels were incredibly high and affected everything I did.
5. You are welcome you and want you back in our house IF you are continuing to work your program daily. We know you will be spending time healing at least for 3-6 months, but after that we would like to see you seeking a job/working and/or going to school AND making good progress at school/going to your job. I need to be allowed to see your grades every quarter since I have been financing your education. Additionally, I expect common courtesy such as showing up for appointments and returning messages in a timely manner, helping with chores around the house, not having items disappear or having to lock up my purse.
6. I will not buy clothes and make up items that are beyond our budget. It is not right for our family to go into debt so that you can have things that I can't even afford for myself. I do not want us to be pushed into bankruptcy or have to survive on government assistance in our old age.
7. I will do what I feel I can afford to help you if you return to school and do well there, but I think you might need to work for awhile first/try to secure a loan/find your own major source of financing for school as the money set aside for you has mostly been wasted. You may also need to have a part-time job and attend school part-time to build up funds and/or pay for tuition. If you do well, you might be able to find some assistance with tuition for grad school as I know that used to be your goal. I'm not saying it has to be. You need to find your own goals that work for you.
8. I need you to keep regular hours as we need our sleep for jobs as do you for going to your own job/studying.
9. I need to have your extra set of car keys. You need to agree to surrender your set of keys if you get any more tickets or accidents or I feel that you are using again. Your car insurance is already super high because of your poor driving record. We really shouldn't have to pay additional fees.
10. Be aware that I do need to talk to my own support people about what is happening as I have to process my feelings also. I don't want you to feel that I am betraying you, but keeping secrets isn't good for me or for any of us. I share with close friends, family, and Al-Anon. I will do my best to keep my mouth shut about extra details when we're out in public as I know you and Keisuke find Grandma's and my habit of talking too much rather embarrassing.
11. We can't keep buying things for you to use in the Residence. Let's get a list together and be mindful of the expenses. We need to put caps on all things we buy in order to get ourselves back out of debt and used to the habit of both budgeting and saving rather than instant gratification! We have spent a lot of money and time on this. We don't know much about the things you buy so it takes us a long time to find them. We need to practice some self care also.
My feelings:
Right now the needs of the one outweigh the needs of the many. We are willing to put our lives more or less on hold in order to best support you now that you are working so hard to conquer your addiction. If for some reason, you relapse but get right back on your program, we will still be standing with you. If you go back to that lifestyle, we can't support that. At that time, the needs of the many will take precedence. We can't go into bankruptcy for you, etc.
I love you so much. The most pain I had surrounded the fact that you had shut me out of your life. There was a wall that I didn't know how to get through. I could hardly bear the thought of never having a relationship with you. I used to lie on your bed holding your stuffed cat and cry for hours. That is how I knew I was hitting bottom. I would not have chosen this path for our family, and it may sound strange, but because of working my Al-Anon program, I am grateful that all this happened because you and I are communicating again at a true relationship level + I am now hopeful that our family can heal. Our family was torn apart by all the things that happened, and we were all spinning out of control. Most of them time I now feel some peace - as if our higher power is moving us in the right direction. It won't be easy, but we can make it together.
Before Al-Anon, I spent so much time wishing I could go back to last year and know how to deal effectively with the issue so that we could have stopped this when you first forged checks and I knew there was a serious problem. Almost a whole year of denial, worry, avoidance, feeling powerless went by. I approached it the wrong way so instead of getting you to accept treatment, I turned you away. After that, I just allowed myself to feel powerless until someone finally told me straight up you were a drug addict and that I needed to do an intervention. At that point, I finally realized that it was time to face the facts and admit that I had no control over this problem and ask for help rather than wallowing in self pity and blame. I started getting education and support. I believe that is when we turned the corner into taking back the power from this drug and pushing you in a way that would be effective for you to see that the drug was affecting your life in such a negative way and get you into treatment so that you could begin to have a real life with goals, joys, sorrows, love, and laughter. I began letting go of the what ifs - the what if she'd never met Dustin, what if she'd never been sick and thinking that you'd have graduated by now. We all need to let go of those thoughts as we are now on this path and moving forward one day at a time. You can have a future, and what I would like for that future is for you to be healthy - able to choose positive ways to cope with pain and content with your choices. We want you in our lives!
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
May 3
Kiku has been clean about 10 days now. I haven't been able to see her since Wed. I find my wheels spinning a bit - mostly staying upbeat but sometimes crashing and getting onto those tapes that I don't need. I haven't slept enough because I am suffering from my old disease of not enough hours in the day to accomplish what I need to do; yet I haven't the energy to deal with the issues head on.
I so wanted to go to Orcas for the 3 day weekend, but now that I know it's both prom and Kiku's birthday and that she has to spend it in rehab, I'm feeling guilty and wishing I could be there to see Keisuke and Jenny on their big night, visit Kiku on her 21st, etc. However, I didn't know these things would happen and one nugget in the meditation book was from someone who asks what would I be doing if this hadn't happened and then do that thing so I guess this plan I won't cancel. I can get photos of the kids, they will have fun without me, Kiku may wish to have her visiting time Sat. focused on reconnecting with Blake.
I am resisting the urge to go to all the links for the UW for her as I think this is a process she needs to be part of plus I barely am finding time to keep up with job search, job, Keisuke errands, classes for Kiku, visiting Kiku. I think my focus needs to be first on the remaining weeks of the job and on the kids getting settled and back on track, then the part-time job, and then the hiking group. I just can't plan anything. It's hard for me, but it's good also because I am more truly doing the one day at a time.
I so wanted to go to Orcas for the 3 day weekend, but now that I know it's both prom and Kiku's birthday and that she has to spend it in rehab, I'm feeling guilty and wishing I could be there to see Keisuke and Jenny on their big night, visit Kiku on her 21st, etc. However, I didn't know these things would happen and one nugget in the meditation book was from someone who asks what would I be doing if this hadn't happened and then do that thing so I guess this plan I won't cancel. I can get photos of the kids, they will have fun without me, Kiku may wish to have her visiting time Sat. focused on reconnecting with Blake.
I am resisting the urge to go to all the links for the UW for her as I think this is a process she needs to be part of plus I barely am finding time to keep up with job search, job, Keisuke errands, classes for Kiku, visiting Kiku. I think my focus needs to be first on the remaining weeks of the job and on the kids getting settled and back on track, then the part-time job, and then the hiking group. I just can't plan anything. It's hard for me, but it's good also because I am more truly doing the one day at a time.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
April musings part 2
Monday was a difficult day because Keisuke wasn't acting very understanding about the fact that I might be pretty upset about Kiku myself. I spent the day making myself crazy about what he could be doing because he wasn't answering. I thought maybe he was falling apart, but I felt my first duty was to support Kiku in her life and death struggle with heroin. I need to start calling Al-Anon people and get my sponsor set up to help me through those insane/difficult days. As far as I know, though, he did actually end up doing everything he was supposed to plus he says the anti-depressants are working well. I need to read up on depression also as that seems to be the root of Kiku's problem. I can't really blame myself or scream how unfair all this is when it's a true medical condition. I am asking my higher power for insurance help. Some financial breaks are coming our way here and there just as I was feeling total despair. I really want our insurance to pay for inpatient since that is Fairfax's recommendation for her. I can't quite see jeopardizing our financial resources to pay for it out of pocket; yet I think it's also important to put people above money. However, all of us are dependent on that for a cushion if something more goes wrong for us.
Tuesday was a better day because Kiku looked so good, and Keisuke and I had a good day. I'm not thrilled about losing more money to take him to the correct orientation, but if it means we get his tuition and books paid for 3 years, I guess I can lose another $75. I think I can't do an extra job while Kiku's in this critical part of treatment. I'm glad we didn't spend the money for the deck either even though it's in bad shape. I may need every penny to get her well. I love her so much. I believe she can step up now to do her part, but if something happens with her and Blake, I'm not sure how well she'll do - at least not during this first year.
Spirituality for those who've been to hell and don't want to go back there. I love that quote from NA book.
Tuesday was a better day because Kiku looked so good, and Keisuke and I had a good day. I'm not thrilled about losing more money to take him to the correct orientation, but if it means we get his tuition and books paid for 3 years, I guess I can lose another $75. I think I can't do an extra job while Kiku's in this critical part of treatment. I'm glad we didn't spend the money for the deck either even though it's in bad shape. I may need every penny to get her well. I love her so much. I believe she can step up now to do her part, but if something happens with her and Blake, I'm not sure how well she'll do - at least not during this first year.
Spirituality for those who've been to hell and don't want to go back there. I love that quote from NA book.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Task: Anger
1. What do you think would happen if you start feeling your angry feelings? Well, I'm a little afraid of how much I might let go. I don't want to say nasty things. There is a kind way to be honest. I think others would blow up if I were to let it go. I guess to just feel them would bring some pain, but it might also release some pain as the tension I sometimes feel would be gone. Perhaps I'd get interested in sex with my partner again. I know the anger and disappointment I feel at his lies and lack of follow through plus sometimes complete idiocy, negativity, etc. just turn me off. I just don't want to listen to him grunt while he has sex. Once I get past the revulsion, I actually can enjoy the sex. I just don't feel that I desire him in particular but really no-one. I just don't want that level of intimacy or involvement. I can't tell if it's hormones or the result of too much drama eating me away and taking away my ability to feel. The hiking and any other physical activity is such a great outlet for me. I think it's safe. I just don't want to be bothered with the whole partner thing. It's easier just to please myself - less energy. I can't say that it's really more satisfying, but I think I just need to take care of myself - not enough energy by the end of the day/hike, etc. to do much else but make myself relax. I guess it's selfish, but it's where I need to be. Wow, this got off topic, or did it? I so need a sponsor and maybe the occasional therapy appt. (can't afford now) to work through this one.
2. What do I believe about anger? What myths do I hold onto? Intellectually, I believe that anger is healthy. It points to some injustice we need to deal with. Sometimes I'm not sure why I feel it, and the example I saw as a child was to repress your feelings for peace at any price. I was often depressed which many claim is anger turned inward. I realize only I can make myself anger, but it is easy to blame others for the feeling.
3. How do my family members deal with anger? What is my pattern for dealing with anger?
My father never used to look angry, but we tended to pussyfoot around him because he gunnysacked and would have crazy, horrible blow ups about every 2 years. We never knew what the last straw was so we learned not to say our feelings and to act the best we could around him in order not to provoke a tantrum. My mother would just be quiet, but you could feel the disapproval radiating from her so you knew when she was angry, but she would just hold it in. She described herself as passive aggressive. My ex husband was also not one to discuss feelings but would now and then erupt in a rage. My current husband seems angry most of the time but usually just under the surface - shakes his head, makes angry gestures, rarely actually blows up but can shake with rage and almost come to blows with my son if both are angry at the same time. My son often seems depressed and won't talk; then he has the rages. He used to break things and yell obscenities; that stopped for quite a long time = seemed he had learned to deal with it better, but he's had a couple of bad rages again the past month or so. My daughter = we rarely knew what she felt as it was all just held inside of her especially as she got older. She used to cry if she didn't do well, and I think her emotions were often let off by playing the piano for hours. Her counselor says she shows a lot by body language. It's true that if she was really mad, I usually knew because she would pull away and not let me hug her or interact with her.
I guess that I gunnysack a lot also. I can be angry and resentful of the way I'm being treated, but I will rarely express that to the person. I will usually justify how I feel by talking to someone else who is also bothered by that person's actions. That is not a good way as it just feels worse then as it builds up; the other doesn't really know about your anger or why you suddenly have an outburst against them. It is also gossip which gives the person/emotion so much more power and control than it needs to have. I believe this is because it wasn't safe to express feelings in my house so I learned to have an outlet by talking them over with my mother - usually it was about someone who irritated her as well so it just reinforced this way of dealing with negative emotions. Once in awhile, I blow up at home and scream at people around me. It does get their attention, but I don't think it's an effective way to solve issues. I also must have an undercurrent of rage because I get mad at stupid people in traffic. Usually, when someone else is angry, I am quiet and try methods of calming them. I don't think I fear it the way I did - maybe it's lost its power because I've been exposed to many crazy rages now that it's lost its power to scare me as it once did. Either that or I actually trust my son and husband not to hit me. I didn't trust my ex or dad. However, I do try not to make my son angry - codependent behavior.
4. What repressed anger do you have? I would say it's about the way I was treated as a child which set me up for abuse and people not taking me seriously as an adult. Told my feelings weren't real - love for Dave - by my mom. Lots of criticism from both grandmothers. My brother did some really awful things to me and still does now and then. My dad could not express that he was proud of me or that I did anything well. My ex was the same. I was not allowed to make many of my own decisions or stand up for myself without being met with some kind of abuse.
Glen just gets on my nerves. I am angry at being stuck and not able to support myself well enough to not have had to marry him. I'm angry that he doesn't take care of himself because he'll probably end up disabled. I'm angry that he won't work on his problems. I'm angry that Keisuke and Kiku haven't been taking responsibility for themselves and neither did their dad, but I let that happen based on what was done to me. I have to unlearn that high tolerance for abuse. I am learning to back away from doing too much as it does make me resent it. Keisuke is pushing to move out. I have to learn to stand firm - can't waste money. I'm angry that I seem to have made so many wrong choices.
2. What do I believe about anger? What myths do I hold onto? Intellectually, I believe that anger is healthy. It points to some injustice we need to deal with. Sometimes I'm not sure why I feel it, and the example I saw as a child was to repress your feelings for peace at any price. I was often depressed which many claim is anger turned inward. I realize only I can make myself anger, but it is easy to blame others for the feeling.
3. How do my family members deal with anger? What is my pattern for dealing with anger?
My father never used to look angry, but we tended to pussyfoot around him because he gunnysacked and would have crazy, horrible blow ups about every 2 years. We never knew what the last straw was so we learned not to say our feelings and to act the best we could around him in order not to provoke a tantrum. My mother would just be quiet, but you could feel the disapproval radiating from her so you knew when she was angry, but she would just hold it in. She described herself as passive aggressive. My ex husband was also not one to discuss feelings but would now and then erupt in a rage. My current husband seems angry most of the time but usually just under the surface - shakes his head, makes angry gestures, rarely actually blows up but can shake with rage and almost come to blows with my son if both are angry at the same time. My son often seems depressed and won't talk; then he has the rages. He used to break things and yell obscenities; that stopped for quite a long time = seemed he had learned to deal with it better, but he's had a couple of bad rages again the past month or so. My daughter = we rarely knew what she felt as it was all just held inside of her especially as she got older. She used to cry if she didn't do well, and I think her emotions were often let off by playing the piano for hours. Her counselor says she shows a lot by body language. It's true that if she was really mad, I usually knew because she would pull away and not let me hug her or interact with her.
I guess that I gunnysack a lot also. I can be angry and resentful of the way I'm being treated, but I will rarely express that to the person. I will usually justify how I feel by talking to someone else who is also bothered by that person's actions. That is not a good way as it just feels worse then as it builds up; the other doesn't really know about your anger or why you suddenly have an outburst against them. It is also gossip which gives the person/emotion so much more power and control than it needs to have. I believe this is because it wasn't safe to express feelings in my house so I learned to have an outlet by talking them over with my mother - usually it was about someone who irritated her as well so it just reinforced this way of dealing with negative emotions. Once in awhile, I blow up at home and scream at people around me. It does get their attention, but I don't think it's an effective way to solve issues. I also must have an undercurrent of rage because I get mad at stupid people in traffic. Usually, when someone else is angry, I am quiet and try methods of calming them. I don't think I fear it the way I did - maybe it's lost its power because I've been exposed to many crazy rages now that it's lost its power to scare me as it once did. Either that or I actually trust my son and husband not to hit me. I didn't trust my ex or dad. However, I do try not to make my son angry - codependent behavior.
4. What repressed anger do you have? I would say it's about the way I was treated as a child which set me up for abuse and people not taking me seriously as an adult. Told my feelings weren't real - love for Dave - by my mom. Lots of criticism from both grandmothers. My brother did some really awful things to me and still does now and then. My dad could not express that he was proud of me or that I did anything well. My ex was the same. I was not allowed to make many of my own decisions or stand up for myself without being met with some kind of abuse.
Glen just gets on my nerves. I am angry at being stuck and not able to support myself well enough to not have had to marry him. I'm angry that he doesn't take care of himself because he'll probably end up disabled. I'm angry that he won't work on his problems. I'm angry that Keisuke and Kiku haven't been taking responsibility for themselves and neither did their dad, but I let that happen based on what was done to me. I have to unlearn that high tolerance for abuse. I am learning to back away from doing too much as it does make me resent it. Keisuke is pushing to move out. I have to learn to stand firm - can't waste money. I'm angry that I seem to have made so many wrong choices.
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