Last night as I drove home from the meeting, I thought about how my brother would say relying on a higher power is a crutch. For a moment, I felt bad about it until an "aha" moment occurred - we were taught to be so self reliant, but EVERYONE needs someone/something to help them out. We all need support so whatever works to improve our lives is not a crutch and even if it is, that is NOT something negative. We wouldn't expect a person with a broken leg to go without crutches. We need crutches.
This morning I realized again that my mother was not without responsibility in the poison atmosphere of our family. Those nips her mother used to take every time she went to the kitchen meant that she was most likely an alcoholic. We west coast relatives weren't around enough to realize it/didn't have that kind of education as a kid, but that explains a lot of her feistiness and every 10 minutes asking if she could get us something. It was a form of bullying/caretaking and also hoping for an excuse to go get another nip. My cousin says she was definitely an alcoholic. None of my other relatives drank so I always thought there was no alcoholism in our family, but it was there. My mom suffered even though she always paints an idyllic portrait of her childhood. Why else would both sisters have chosen damaged men - my uncle even worse than my father. My father was abused - physically and emotionally. Mostly his form of abuse to us was never to give approval. Our family disease has gone down all the generations. I thought it would stop with me, but somehow I chose damaged men again. My kids show more signs of trauma than I did or they express it differently. I was too scared to not succeed/achieve in terms of school. It was one place where I did get approval I suppose.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Activites Which Make Me Feel Peaceful - to practice on tough days
I react mainly to my son, daughter, and husband's behavior. I interact with them the most. I also react to traffic and student behavior.
If I felt I could choose who to act towards them, it would be peaceful, loving, and truly accepting. I am learning to breathe and chant slogans to myself to attain that peace because some of my reactions to traffic were really crazy. I don't realize I have so much pent up anger until someone cuts me off in traffic. I would just holler, sometimes I'd try not to let them cut me off or follow too closely to show them - revenge. Once I turned around to get out of the long line, but I got stuck in the mud on the other side. It's just lucky someone with a wench was right there. I was embarrassed, and it would have taken me so much longer to get to work if he hadn't been there. I guess God took pity on me and/or used it as another lesson but softened the impact.
Activities which make me feel peaceful: breathing, practicing the what am I grateful for, physical activity, reading a good book, watching a movie.
If I have a difficult day, the things I could do: sit in hot tub, walk the dog, pet the cats, read, watch a favorite movie, call someone from Al-Anon. I could do all this instead of my usual venting which really bothers my husband as he takes it all personally. It also adds to my son's stress load and actually to my stress load when I overfocus on my anxiety. I can chant slogans to myself, get out the literature and meditate on it. The main thing I don't want to do and have done pretty well with is not eat to feel better because in the end I feel worse when I overeat. I can't sleep well with heavy food in my stomach and I don't like being overweight. Hiking in beautiful places and kayaking also are peaceful, but I have to watch my tendency to go into my head and not see what's around me. It's too easy to go to that zone, but I have begun to be conscious of it and say Stop!
If I felt I could choose who to act towards them, it would be peaceful, loving, and truly accepting. I am learning to breathe and chant slogans to myself to attain that peace because some of my reactions to traffic were really crazy. I don't realize I have so much pent up anger until someone cuts me off in traffic. I would just holler, sometimes I'd try not to let them cut me off or follow too closely to show them - revenge. Once I turned around to get out of the long line, but I got stuck in the mud on the other side. It's just lucky someone with a wench was right there. I was embarrassed, and it would have taken me so much longer to get to work if he hadn't been there. I guess God took pity on me and/or used it as another lesson but softened the impact.
Activities which make me feel peaceful: breathing, practicing the what am I grateful for, physical activity, reading a good book, watching a movie.
If I have a difficult day, the things I could do: sit in hot tub, walk the dog, pet the cats, read, watch a favorite movie, call someone from Al-Anon. I could do all this instead of my usual venting which really bothers my husband as he takes it all personally. It also adds to my son's stress load and actually to my stress load when I overfocus on my anxiety. I can chant slogans to myself, get out the literature and meditate on it. The main thing I don't want to do and have done pretty well with is not eat to feel better because in the end I feel worse when I overeat. I can't sleep well with heavy food in my stomach and I don't like being overweight. Hiking in beautiful places and kayaking also are peaceful, but I have to watch my tendency to go into my head and not see what's around me. It's too easy to go to that zone, but I have begun to be conscious of it and say Stop!
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Things for Which I am Grateful
1. my family
2. my pets
3. my house
4. enough money to buy healthier food
5. my friends
6. my hiking group
7. Al Anon
8. my kayak
9. books
10. movies
11. music
12. some TV programs I like
13. relaxation time
14. days off
15. backpacking in beautiful spots with great people
16. social time
17. got off 30 lbs - rest isn't going but not gaining 10 a year these days either
18. spent money on stuff for me - books, DVDs, cute clothing, outdoor gear
19. great coworkers
20 good job that is mostly enjoyable and a healthy atmosphere of caring
21. each day that my kids, mom, friends are still alive and healthy
22. people appreciating my efforts and expressing that
23. each minute that I don't get angry at bad traffic
24. each time I feel peace
25. sleeping at least 6 hours per night now
2. my pets
3. my house
4. enough money to buy healthier food
5. my friends
6. my hiking group
7. Al Anon
8. my kayak
9. books
10. movies
11. music
12. some TV programs I like
13. relaxation time
14. days off
15. backpacking in beautiful spots with great people
16. social time
17. got off 30 lbs - rest isn't going but not gaining 10 a year these days either
18. spent money on stuff for me - books, DVDs, cute clothing, outdoor gear
19. great coworkers
20 good job that is mostly enjoyable and a healthy atmosphere of caring
21. each day that my kids, mom, friends are still alive and healthy
22. people appreciating my efforts and expressing that
23. each minute that I don't get angry at bad traffic
24. each time I feel peace
25. sleeping at least 6 hours per night now
How do I feel about changing myself?
Relief, able to breathe, scared that I can't stay strong, worried that the world will fall apart if I back off :D, sleeping better, angry at myself if I didn't stay strong.
I actually believe that others (particularly son) will resist my changing as being predictable is what they counted on from me. I think some people in the group will leave, but I have to realize those weren't friends anyhow. I think my son enjoys the upset and his control over me in some way, but I also think it hurts him as his heart is good. He's depressed all the time and feels I haven't been a good parent. That hurt and I accepted it for awhile until I thought of all the good I had done and then how I bent over backward to help me. Yes, that part went too far. It was my idea of how I was to be supportive and encouraging, but I have backed off a lot and have been letting him make choices and fall on his face. I worry he won't ever get back up, but there are a lot of years of healing that could happen. He's smart enough to figure out how to do things or to ask for help. His sister is too. Somehow I figured out how to do things even though my mother had pretty much done everything for me so if I could do it, they can also. Every time I managed I felt stronger and more able to deal with the next thing - up until the waves of crises these past few years - then little things would send me over the edge. If I'm not always going over the edge, I think life will be better. I deserve a calmer life. I thought I just had to endure until I could kick out my son at 18, but really I shouldn't have to endure. He was holding it over my head about how I was legally responsible until then. If he acts out at 18, I will let him feel the consequences but didn't feel I could until then - 3 months now. However, I found Al-Anon and realized I can start making it better now and letting him experience some discomfort as well as learning to do more self care.
When I started getting in control of my eating 3 years ago, my husband sabotaged me at every turn. I think he feared I would leave if I became healthier or that I would attract/find another man.
It's scary, but what I really feel most is an overwhelming sense of peace and comfort since starting this process. I want to be healthy! Although I must admit there is this little nagging ulterior motive of maybe if I'm better, the others will follow. I realize I have to let go of that as that is controlling and influencing. I have to say until I believe it that I am doing this for me and my sanity and health! FOR ME Of course, it's a great side benefit if they also start doing something positive with their lives - even if it's not the path I foresaw, but this is for me, for me, for me!!!!
I actually believe that others (particularly son) will resist my changing as being predictable is what they counted on from me. I think some people in the group will leave, but I have to realize those weren't friends anyhow. I think my son enjoys the upset and his control over me in some way, but I also think it hurts him as his heart is good. He's depressed all the time and feels I haven't been a good parent. That hurt and I accepted it for awhile until I thought of all the good I had done and then how I bent over backward to help me. Yes, that part went too far. It was my idea of how I was to be supportive and encouraging, but I have backed off a lot and have been letting him make choices and fall on his face. I worry he won't ever get back up, but there are a lot of years of healing that could happen. He's smart enough to figure out how to do things or to ask for help. His sister is too. Somehow I figured out how to do things even though my mother had pretty much done everything for me so if I could do it, they can also. Every time I managed I felt stronger and more able to deal with the next thing - up until the waves of crises these past few years - then little things would send me over the edge. If I'm not always going over the edge, I think life will be better. I deserve a calmer life. I thought I just had to endure until I could kick out my son at 18, but really I shouldn't have to endure. He was holding it over my head about how I was legally responsible until then. If he acts out at 18, I will let him feel the consequences but didn't feel I could until then - 3 months now. However, I found Al-Anon and realized I can start making it better now and letting him experience some discomfort as well as learning to do more self care.
When I started getting in control of my eating 3 years ago, my husband sabotaged me at every turn. I think he feared I would leave if I became healthier or that I would attract/find another man.
It's scary, but what I really feel most is an overwhelming sense of peace and comfort since starting this process. I want to be healthy! Although I must admit there is this little nagging ulterior motive of maybe if I'm better, the others will follow. I realize I have to let go of that as that is controlling and influencing. I have to say until I believe it that I am doing this for me and my sanity and health! FOR ME Of course, it's a great side benefit if they also start doing something positive with their lives - even if it's not the path I foresaw, but this is for me, for me, for me!!!!
Changing Myself - Codependent Behaviors Task p 54
Caretaking Behavior - Yes! felt responsible for others' choices and behavior, feel deeply for another's problem, try to fix it, feel angry when it's not appreciated, anticipate needs like always contacted daughter thinking she was out of gas/money - didn't wait for her to come to me, wondered why people didn't care about my big day, don't want to run son's errands but do it anyway, work hard to please people like dad, ex, son but often can't get a pleased response, sacrifice my wants, feel many years were wasted as kids didn't turn out, feel harried often - too much to do, stress out about things like taxes as I have to do them, feel used, excuse it by how needy person is
Low Self Worth (even though I usually don't feel that's the case, but on this checklist, I exhibit many of those symptoms) Yes - come from repressed family, grandma and dad didn't value girls, blamed myself for a lot and let other people blame me also, pick on my bad features esp. the weight I gained the second child, never think I'm quite good enough at my job - don't like to have people observe me for this reason, fear rejection, feel the part of powerless victim occasionally, sometimes feel I can't do anything right, life has sometimes seemed one big pain or crisis after another, feel good when help others, keep wishing something good would finally happen, sometimes feel need to prove myself - certain type of person sets this off but I'm not sure what vibes I get - seems they say something critical about the plan I've made or act patronizing, don't always feel like people like me
Repressed Feelings = somewhat true - don't always say what's on my mind for fear of reactions - after all I have physically been hurt for saying them
Obsession = Yes = feel terribly anxious about kids' problems and future - somewhat with reason due to illness, stalker, etc., talk a lot about other people's behavior, lose sleep to worry, check up on them because have not come through many times in past - like today I just know that if my son doesn't contact me that he blew off yet another appt. that he bullied me into making for him even after I said I wouldn't do appts. again. THIS TIME I have to stick to it and not listen to excuse about how bad he feels. I'm trying not to even call and ask. I want to be calm and say "you've made your choice; you live with the consequences".
Controlling = Yes try to control situations sometimes by crying; try to influence person to do what seems best for them - like go to the doctor or finish school; clean up after self
Denial = Yes - future will be better, stay super busy, avoid conflict; sometimes depressed
Dependency = meet about half of those characteristics described in Melody Beattie's book - didn't feel love/approval from father or ex husband, worry I'm not lovable in some way and look for the evidence of lack of invitations (however, I tend not to accept some that come my way), some people seem to provoke that feeling that I need to try to find a way to please them - not sure why - it's definitely not MOST people, but a few; believe many times that no-one will be there for me - will get tired of listening so I usually don't try; when I express myself sure they'll walk away as some have
Poor Communication: Yes - talk a lot but don't always put the true, underlying feeling out there for fear of ridicule (usually done by my family), that it will be deemed stupid, rejected; someone will be hurt by it
Weak Boundaries = Yes - let people walk on me too much, put up with too much but feel helpless and unable to determine what kind of consequence/response I should use; inconsistent
Lack of Trust = somewhat - never could make major decisions easily; now I don't trust that I can because I don't want to react/choose in the old way; sometimes reached out to people like Kathy - completely unable to be a friend
Anger = somewhat = mostly in the form of walking on eggshells and trying not to make ex or son angry, I gunnysack and blow once in awhile; traffic is a problem area for me; feel very resentful
Sex Problems = somewhat - not interested in my husband - too angry and disappointed with him, actually feel repulsed sometimes but not attracted to others; sometimes just fantasize about some hunky actor, want my husband out of my life at least 30% of the time
Miscellaneous: extremely responsible; martyr (like my predecesors); helpless response; can't let loose as easily these days, vaccillate in decisions and emotions; ashamed about problems, but no longer feel confused as to the nature/my involvement in the problems
Progressive: eating disorder - in recovery from overeating; sometimes depressed and hopeless, rest of those haven't happened yet
As I look at all these, I know that I am codependent and am glad it has a name. I'm making slow progress, but I definitely take 2 steps back for each forward movement. I have to stand firm mainly against my son. My husband whines, but I'm not getting sucked in by him as much. My son really abuses and uses. He knows my buttons and enjoys pushing them, but his success hurts him. I have to remember that. The most loving thing I can do is change.
Low Self Worth (even though I usually don't feel that's the case, but on this checklist, I exhibit many of those symptoms) Yes - come from repressed family, grandma and dad didn't value girls, blamed myself for a lot and let other people blame me also, pick on my bad features esp. the weight I gained the second child, never think I'm quite good enough at my job - don't like to have people observe me for this reason, fear rejection, feel the part of powerless victim occasionally, sometimes feel I can't do anything right, life has sometimes seemed one big pain or crisis after another, feel good when help others, keep wishing something good would finally happen, sometimes feel need to prove myself - certain type of person sets this off but I'm not sure what vibes I get - seems they say something critical about the plan I've made or act patronizing, don't always feel like people like me
Repressed Feelings = somewhat true - don't always say what's on my mind for fear of reactions - after all I have physically been hurt for saying them
Obsession = Yes = feel terribly anxious about kids' problems and future - somewhat with reason due to illness, stalker, etc., talk a lot about other people's behavior, lose sleep to worry, check up on them because have not come through many times in past - like today I just know that if my son doesn't contact me that he blew off yet another appt. that he bullied me into making for him even after I said I wouldn't do appts. again. THIS TIME I have to stick to it and not listen to excuse about how bad he feels. I'm trying not to even call and ask. I want to be calm and say "you've made your choice; you live with the consequences".
Controlling = Yes try to control situations sometimes by crying; try to influence person to do what seems best for them - like go to the doctor or finish school; clean up after self
Denial = Yes - future will be better, stay super busy, avoid conflict; sometimes depressed
Dependency = meet about half of those characteristics described in Melody Beattie's book - didn't feel love/approval from father or ex husband, worry I'm not lovable in some way and look for the evidence of lack of invitations (however, I tend not to accept some that come my way), some people seem to provoke that feeling that I need to try to find a way to please them - not sure why - it's definitely not MOST people, but a few; believe many times that no-one will be there for me - will get tired of listening so I usually don't try; when I express myself sure they'll walk away as some have
Poor Communication: Yes - talk a lot but don't always put the true, underlying feeling out there for fear of ridicule (usually done by my family), that it will be deemed stupid, rejected; someone will be hurt by it
Weak Boundaries = Yes - let people walk on me too much, put up with too much but feel helpless and unable to determine what kind of consequence/response I should use; inconsistent
Lack of Trust = somewhat - never could make major decisions easily; now I don't trust that I can because I don't want to react/choose in the old way; sometimes reached out to people like Kathy - completely unable to be a friend
Anger = somewhat = mostly in the form of walking on eggshells and trying not to make ex or son angry, I gunnysack and blow once in awhile; traffic is a problem area for me; feel very resentful
Sex Problems = somewhat - not interested in my husband - too angry and disappointed with him, actually feel repulsed sometimes but not attracted to others; sometimes just fantasize about some hunky actor, want my husband out of my life at least 30% of the time
Miscellaneous: extremely responsible; martyr (like my predecesors); helpless response; can't let loose as easily these days, vaccillate in decisions and emotions; ashamed about problems, but no longer feel confused as to the nature/my involvement in the problems
Progressive: eating disorder - in recovery from overeating; sometimes depressed and hopeless, rest of those haven't happened yet
As I look at all these, I know that I am codependent and am glad it has a name. I'm making slow progress, but I definitely take 2 steps back for each forward movement. I have to stand firm mainly against my son. My husband whines, but I'm not getting sucked in by him as much. My son really abuses and uses. He knows my buttons and enjoys pushing them, but his success hurts him. I have to remember that. The most loving thing I can do is change.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Japan Disaster
Watching this makes me heartsick even though my kids' family is safe and all the friends/relatives of people I currently am related to are safe. It's still such a terrible disaster. I just made a donation to the Red Cross and hope others will too.
I am grateful for all the people who step up to donate funds to this effort.
I am grateful for all the people who step up to donate funds to this effort.
Assignment: Write About Someone You Know and Worry About
Daughter: I so wanted to have a child, and she and I were very close those first 3 years. It was wonderfully satisfying to have her in my life. Then my son was born, and she ignored him for 3 months. It was a tough time as he needed attention, and she gradually developed more independence because there were things I just couldn't do for her anymore. He was a demanding sort from the beginning. Both she and I tried hard to get him to sleep, and she ended up doing things for him like dressing him as he refused to do self care until about the age of 6 when both of us refused to do it for him anymore.
She still seemed happy except for a need for perfection which exhibited itself strongly when she played baseball - horrifyingly embarrassing as she was so upset when she couldn't perform well. Another time she pitched a fit because I was leaving. She did pitch some fits now and then that were pretty embarrassing, but usually she was a compliant, quiet, clingy at first but later independent. She talked a blue streak and was affectionate, but after her dad told her Japanese people don't kiss or hug, she never was cuddly. That happened sometime between 12 and 18 months. It was devastating. She was still outgoing and interested in activities and talking to me until middle school. After that, she began to go more into herself, but I figured it was a normal part of being a teenager so I didn't push myself into her life. She followed our rules, and she was doing all she was supposed to - not asking for expensive things, getting all her schoolwork done, playing the piano, enjoying classical music and books so I wasn't concerned. Her brother was taking more and more of my time and energy as school was a nightmare for him and as she was doing fine, I didn't have reason for worry. I felt bad about it and would try to spend time with her like a weekend in Olympia and overnights with Girl Scouts. We had a great time together. In high school, she so wanted to participate in activities, but her geeky friends had no interest in fashion, activities so reluctantly she just studied. Our relationship was no longer close. The previously open girl who went to public baths with me in Japan now locked herself in the bathroom to change clothes and spent endless time getting herself gussied up even though she was already strikingly beautiful. She asked me for help with school subjects now and then, and I went to all her awards and piano concerts. I tried to connect with her but was rebuffed. This became increasingly so after she started dating D. She freaked out one day when he came over without calling her as she was in sweats and couldn't be seen that way - really freaked out. It was abnormal. She hid and wouldn't come out. It was as if he wouldn't care about her if she didn't look stunning. I felt it was obsessive and tried discussing it with her. She did feel comfortable enough to come to me for contraceptive appointments. I was stunned, but I had always preached responsibility so . . . I asked if it was also what she wanted, and she said she did. I hadn't realized how controlling he was - just that he was rude. We all went through a nightmare when he turned into an abusive stalker. She was trying to deal with AP tests and college in the high school pressures at the same time. She always seemed to float above the chaos surrounding my son's problems and temper tantrums. She had to take care of him when at her dad's. Her dad seemed to dote on her which she took advantage of. She began to dress like a slut so we worried about her need to do that.
During this time, my dad was ill with Alzheimer's so I was preoccupied with that and my son's problems. Then she got ill - seriously ill but didn't let on what the doctors told her. It hit home how bad it was when we went to the hospital and they thread an IV line into her heart. We had to have my mom come live with us so someone could give her transfusions while I was at work. She hid away from people as her face was being attacked. She wouldn't go to school or any senior activities - not even graduation. It broke my heart that we all missed those milestones - things I had dreamed about for my child because they were special times for me. She purposefully missed them as she could have gone. She decided we could still do our trip. It was fabulous. After 24 hours of sleeping, she began to open up a bit and enjoy the activities and our time together. She started smiling, laughing, flirting, and hanging on to my hand. It was great as I felt I was getting her back. She had been accepted to the Honors Program, and everything seemed to be going well. She was still intensely controlling about private info - couldn't see her grades, etc. even though I was paying for it. She started wanting more brand names and expensive stuff. I went along. Then my world was shattered. She stole from me by forging my checks. I was cleaned out of all money that month; then it turns out she hadn't really been going to school for a year and people reported seeing her doing drugs. I thought she must be an addict or in serious pain. I tried for a long time to suggest counseling to deal with all the trauma - alcoholic father, brother, me, fights in our house, the trauma her senior year. Well, it came back to bite her. I had to crack down, and it made an impression so she's now seeing a competent person. There is hope for the future, but I am still anxious. The bright future and lofty goals she had seem to be elusive now. I don't know what's going to happen.
I guess I feel disappointed, cheated out of what I had hoped to see, to bask in the glory of a high achieving kid, and know that her future is secure and she has everything she wants. Her next relationship choice sucked also so I hope she will deal with this. For now, I'm practicing letting go. We need to get her moved and hope she can support herself somehow and finally heal so that she is capable of a healthy, decent relationship in the future. I need to get hands off, but I keep remembering the baby that used to coo for me and all the other happy times. I am worried we won't even have a relationship someday. It's my greatest fear. I know we have few hobbies in common, but I'd still like to have a place in her life. I'm happy she tried to come to holidays as she had stopped answering the phone, showing up for appointments even for good things like buying a car. She wrecked several cars and has cost us so much that I resent that also. It's hard to forgive and move on. It's hard to let go, but she is almost 21. I used to have a poster that said "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was." I think it's helpful.
My Son:
My son was born with some brain damage and was paralyzed. It was a difficult pregnancy and wicked birthing process. We both had problems. I had a hard time with my daughter, but this was worse. The doctor was incompetent and was so sure there would be no problems with a second one that he didn't listen to me. He was scared shitless and tried to assure me the baby would end up normal. The baby was fussy and tight clothes, labels bothered him, he was sick all the time. Later I read that is typical of learning disabled children. I sometimes wonder - what if? He might have been a super achiever like his sister. He was a handfull - so active, always crying, bonking his head into a door or wall if I tried to do anything on the other side of it, couldn't sleep, it was so bad his relatives in Japan took him to a priest to be prayed over. Later, he became bossy and seemed not to be able to tolerate any kind of frustration. Once he went to school, his inflexibility became even more noticeable. He seemed easily overwhelmed by sensations and a feeling that he wasn't cabable. His peers called him a retard; his teachers were frustrated. He became seemingly psychotic the summer he turned 7. His first grade teacher was a first year one and didn't advocate well enough for him but did point out issues with fine motor skills. He got the wicked witch of the west for second grade and all hell broke loose - tantrums in school, they locked him in a closet. He finally got on a behavior program; that teacher advocated for him. He had the perfect teacher for him in 3rd grade and someone sympathetic to his type in 4th grade so no problems again until 5th grade when we had another teacher that I instantly knew would not work, but the principal just said to all that he was a bad kid and never gave us the required 90 minutes. In retrospect, I should have had experts with me as she was a bully. It was horrible; he never recovered from these school experiences. Everyday was filled with anxiety as to what would happen. The fighting had broken out in our home; life was chaotic. I tried to fight for him and with him to get him to do hours of homework (for him it was hours). Every night was an ordeal. I imposed draconian consequences, but none of that worked. Things were awful until I decided to homeschool. He tried a tantrum on me, but I just said I had all day so if he wanted to play with friends (the most powerful motivator at the time), he would need to do his work. It took a couple of days, but it worked. He liked it, and he caught up in that year. He wanted to go back to be with his friends so he went back for middle school. They gave him a lot of care; Ritalin 8th grade brought straight As, but he didn't think it helped so off he went. Freshman year: disaster. They didn't have supports in place and he was lost in the shuffle. He began failing. He didn't like the awful falling apart building with the depressing atmosphere or the teachers' attitude. We tried getting him into the alternative school, but the waiting list was so long that he gave up. We then moved to a private school which he loved until he became friends with a kid with a super bad attitude. That kid poisoned everyone against the place by saying "you don't learn anything here" so again my son dropped a school. He had 15 credits by this time and was back as a junior at public school. He did great first quarter; then stopped attending/doing the work and managed to pass only 4 classes. He tried the community college and dropped as it seemed too hard, but he liked the atmosphere at least and became super excited about Evergreen. All that changed again. He passed the first of the prereq classes for Running Start with a B; then gave up again. He had creative talent in his writing - just the mechanics continued to be a bit of an issue - at least he felt they were. He can speak well and is articulate but doesn't trust himself with grammar and spelling. Math was falling farther and farther behind without practice so then he dropped out again and decided a GED was the way to go, but the classes were too low of a level and studying on his own only lasts a little while. So he decided doing an AA and getting his diploma that way would work, but they messed up his schedule and he gave up again. Now he just sits in his room - getting fatter and doing nothing but videos. His hobbies of music and exercise went down the toilet. He felt better when he was doing something; now he's in a vicious cycle - finally agreed to the recommended meds; took them all month; claimed not to feel better; didn't set up the month check appt; then got all mad that I hadn't done that as it was important for him to feel better so what was my problem! He asked on a day when I couldn't so it seemed he would agree to do this for himself but no. He just won't. I finally got sucked into making the call for him - those people there are rude to him he things. He's not the only one to complain. Now that our favorite (only competent) doctor is leaving, we're looking to switch clinics. In the meantime, he now has to start the cycle of meds again because it's been 10 days, he won't agree to listen to possible jobs, and he won't show up to meet the tutor. He's convinced himself he can't do anything so I'm trying to be hands out, but I have told him that when he's 18, he needs to do something to earn the insurance and car payments. Currently, he is doing better about cleaning his own messes so it's a step, but 18 is going to hit hard with no skills.
My feelings upon rereading:
1. Sadness that I missed out on more time with my daughter because I chose to focus on my son.
2. Sad about what happened to my girl - she didn't deserve all those horrible experiences.
3. Guilty and disappointed about her choices in men. Guilty because I wonder what part I played in that with my own personal bad choices and lack of knowledge as to what makes a good marriage.
4. Anger at her for stealing/losing money is turning to acceptance and some forgiveness as I want her in my life. Bafflement as to why she doesn't appreciate what I sacrificed for her - although that is an older reaction. I'm beginning to understand this.
5. Pain that she and I and Keisuke and I don't really know each other anymore.
6. Anger/Sadness that Keisuke doesn't respect me/isn't grateful for all I did but instead tends to blame me for my choices in men and screwing up both kids.
7. Confused/scared as to the correct course of action with both of them. Relying on Al-Anon - not provoking a crisis but no longer preventing natural consequences from occuring.
8 Grief: letting go of my expectations for seeing graduations, weddings, grandchildren, great careers for them; the unknown is frightening! Will they turn around? Will they get jobs/finish school? Will we even see each other in the future?
Neither one of them even remembered my birthday even though I make big deals about big days in their lives. Would love to have my girl call me out of the blue to share something exciting, etc. I don't get those calls like me and my mom always did. My mom was like my best friend. At least Keisuke still does that now and then - probably cuz he lives with me still.
I'm hopeful that we will eventually be friends and have that kind of relationship and find some common interests.
I need to be quiet, listen, let them know I'm here if needed and can be trusted now not to blab. I only talked with mom to get her perspective or with someone to decide if I'm doing the right thing, but they hated my talking about them. Keisuke would blow up about it. I couldn't even brag or give him compliments.
I think in spite of my efforts to give them good self esteem (to make up for my lack of it), somehow that didn't happen. I think both suffer from depression. Their dad has some serious issues that led him to being an alcoholic and I was damaged from my family of origin so maybe we just passed on some genetic predisposition and our scars without realizing it.
I try to keep busy to avoid facing the pain from all this. Now following the codependent and Al-Anon programs fills a void, and my hope is that when I get better, they will follow. Isn't that trying to control them, though, also? Wish I knew the answer to that one.
How do I benefit from trying to control? It reduces my anxiety to try to fix it - so afraid of their lives being ruined.
What do they gain? They don't have to work or take responsibility.
How effective are my attempts to control? Not very - I usually feel that they have all the power, and I have none. I can't make them do anything; they know that. They have a cushy life on my dollar. I can't have my dream of an easy to get to vacation spot/rental for income with them draining all the money. Even the cars which I thought would bring me freedom are too high a price to pay for my not having to drive them around - $1000 or so per month! It's all killing us - no money for nice vacations for us. I don't mind the camping/hiking/backpacking vacations but sometimes I'd like to go somewhere else/do something else. I really want that other house, but because of Preston, we lost the chance to sell at a good time. Actually, it's my fault for going along with letting him be there free of charge - for letting myself be bullied into it plus I wasn't ready to let go of the family property - the ridiculous demands of San Juan County hadn't pushed me to the point where I realized I was done.
She still seemed happy except for a need for perfection which exhibited itself strongly when she played baseball - horrifyingly embarrassing as she was so upset when she couldn't perform well. Another time she pitched a fit because I was leaving. She did pitch some fits now and then that were pretty embarrassing, but usually she was a compliant, quiet, clingy at first but later independent. She talked a blue streak and was affectionate, but after her dad told her Japanese people don't kiss or hug, she never was cuddly. That happened sometime between 12 and 18 months. It was devastating. She was still outgoing and interested in activities and talking to me until middle school. After that, she began to go more into herself, but I figured it was a normal part of being a teenager so I didn't push myself into her life. She followed our rules, and she was doing all she was supposed to - not asking for expensive things, getting all her schoolwork done, playing the piano, enjoying classical music and books so I wasn't concerned. Her brother was taking more and more of my time and energy as school was a nightmare for him and as she was doing fine, I didn't have reason for worry. I felt bad about it and would try to spend time with her like a weekend in Olympia and overnights with Girl Scouts. We had a great time together. In high school, she so wanted to participate in activities, but her geeky friends had no interest in fashion, activities so reluctantly she just studied. Our relationship was no longer close. The previously open girl who went to public baths with me in Japan now locked herself in the bathroom to change clothes and spent endless time getting herself gussied up even though she was already strikingly beautiful. She asked me for help with school subjects now and then, and I went to all her awards and piano concerts. I tried to connect with her but was rebuffed. This became increasingly so after she started dating D. She freaked out one day when he came over without calling her as she was in sweats and couldn't be seen that way - really freaked out. It was abnormal. She hid and wouldn't come out. It was as if he wouldn't care about her if she didn't look stunning. I felt it was obsessive and tried discussing it with her. She did feel comfortable enough to come to me for contraceptive appointments. I was stunned, but I had always preached responsibility so . . . I asked if it was also what she wanted, and she said she did. I hadn't realized how controlling he was - just that he was rude. We all went through a nightmare when he turned into an abusive stalker. She was trying to deal with AP tests and college in the high school pressures at the same time. She always seemed to float above the chaos surrounding my son's problems and temper tantrums. She had to take care of him when at her dad's. Her dad seemed to dote on her which she took advantage of. She began to dress like a slut so we worried about her need to do that.
During this time, my dad was ill with Alzheimer's so I was preoccupied with that and my son's problems. Then she got ill - seriously ill but didn't let on what the doctors told her. It hit home how bad it was when we went to the hospital and they thread an IV line into her heart. We had to have my mom come live with us so someone could give her transfusions while I was at work. She hid away from people as her face was being attacked. She wouldn't go to school or any senior activities - not even graduation. It broke my heart that we all missed those milestones - things I had dreamed about for my child because they were special times for me. She purposefully missed them as she could have gone. She decided we could still do our trip. It was fabulous. After 24 hours of sleeping, she began to open up a bit and enjoy the activities and our time together. She started smiling, laughing, flirting, and hanging on to my hand. It was great as I felt I was getting her back. She had been accepted to the Honors Program, and everything seemed to be going well. She was still intensely controlling about private info - couldn't see her grades, etc. even though I was paying for it. She started wanting more brand names and expensive stuff. I went along. Then my world was shattered. She stole from me by forging my checks. I was cleaned out of all money that month; then it turns out she hadn't really been going to school for a year and people reported seeing her doing drugs. I thought she must be an addict or in serious pain. I tried for a long time to suggest counseling to deal with all the trauma - alcoholic father, brother, me, fights in our house, the trauma her senior year. Well, it came back to bite her. I had to crack down, and it made an impression so she's now seeing a competent person. There is hope for the future, but I am still anxious. The bright future and lofty goals she had seem to be elusive now. I don't know what's going to happen.
I guess I feel disappointed, cheated out of what I had hoped to see, to bask in the glory of a high achieving kid, and know that her future is secure and she has everything she wants. Her next relationship choice sucked also so I hope she will deal with this. For now, I'm practicing letting go. We need to get her moved and hope she can support herself somehow and finally heal so that she is capable of a healthy, decent relationship in the future. I need to get hands off, but I keep remembering the baby that used to coo for me and all the other happy times. I am worried we won't even have a relationship someday. It's my greatest fear. I know we have few hobbies in common, but I'd still like to have a place in her life. I'm happy she tried to come to holidays as she had stopped answering the phone, showing up for appointments even for good things like buying a car. She wrecked several cars and has cost us so much that I resent that also. It's hard to forgive and move on. It's hard to let go, but she is almost 21. I used to have a poster that said "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was." I think it's helpful.
My Son:
My son was born with some brain damage and was paralyzed. It was a difficult pregnancy and wicked birthing process. We both had problems. I had a hard time with my daughter, but this was worse. The doctor was incompetent and was so sure there would be no problems with a second one that he didn't listen to me. He was scared shitless and tried to assure me the baby would end up normal. The baby was fussy and tight clothes, labels bothered him, he was sick all the time. Later I read that is typical of learning disabled children. I sometimes wonder - what if? He might have been a super achiever like his sister. He was a handfull - so active, always crying, bonking his head into a door or wall if I tried to do anything on the other side of it, couldn't sleep, it was so bad his relatives in Japan took him to a priest to be prayed over. Later, he became bossy and seemed not to be able to tolerate any kind of frustration. Once he went to school, his inflexibility became even more noticeable. He seemed easily overwhelmed by sensations and a feeling that he wasn't cabable. His peers called him a retard; his teachers were frustrated. He became seemingly psychotic the summer he turned 7. His first grade teacher was a first year one and didn't advocate well enough for him but did point out issues with fine motor skills. He got the wicked witch of the west for second grade and all hell broke loose - tantrums in school, they locked him in a closet. He finally got on a behavior program; that teacher advocated for him. He had the perfect teacher for him in 3rd grade and someone sympathetic to his type in 4th grade so no problems again until 5th grade when we had another teacher that I instantly knew would not work, but the principal just said to all that he was a bad kid and never gave us the required 90 minutes. In retrospect, I should have had experts with me as she was a bully. It was horrible; he never recovered from these school experiences. Everyday was filled with anxiety as to what would happen. The fighting had broken out in our home; life was chaotic. I tried to fight for him and with him to get him to do hours of homework (for him it was hours). Every night was an ordeal. I imposed draconian consequences, but none of that worked. Things were awful until I decided to homeschool. He tried a tantrum on me, but I just said I had all day so if he wanted to play with friends (the most powerful motivator at the time), he would need to do his work. It took a couple of days, but it worked. He liked it, and he caught up in that year. He wanted to go back to be with his friends so he went back for middle school. They gave him a lot of care; Ritalin 8th grade brought straight As, but he didn't think it helped so off he went. Freshman year: disaster. They didn't have supports in place and he was lost in the shuffle. He began failing. He didn't like the awful falling apart building with the depressing atmosphere or the teachers' attitude. We tried getting him into the alternative school, but the waiting list was so long that he gave up. We then moved to a private school which he loved until he became friends with a kid with a super bad attitude. That kid poisoned everyone against the place by saying "you don't learn anything here" so again my son dropped a school. He had 15 credits by this time and was back as a junior at public school. He did great first quarter; then stopped attending/doing the work and managed to pass only 4 classes. He tried the community college and dropped as it seemed too hard, but he liked the atmosphere at least and became super excited about Evergreen. All that changed again. He passed the first of the prereq classes for Running Start with a B; then gave up again. He had creative talent in his writing - just the mechanics continued to be a bit of an issue - at least he felt they were. He can speak well and is articulate but doesn't trust himself with grammar and spelling. Math was falling farther and farther behind without practice so then he dropped out again and decided a GED was the way to go, but the classes were too low of a level and studying on his own only lasts a little while. So he decided doing an AA and getting his diploma that way would work, but they messed up his schedule and he gave up again. Now he just sits in his room - getting fatter and doing nothing but videos. His hobbies of music and exercise went down the toilet. He felt better when he was doing something; now he's in a vicious cycle - finally agreed to the recommended meds; took them all month; claimed not to feel better; didn't set up the month check appt; then got all mad that I hadn't done that as it was important for him to feel better so what was my problem! He asked on a day when I couldn't so it seemed he would agree to do this for himself but no. He just won't. I finally got sucked into making the call for him - those people there are rude to him he things. He's not the only one to complain. Now that our favorite (only competent) doctor is leaving, we're looking to switch clinics. In the meantime, he now has to start the cycle of meds again because it's been 10 days, he won't agree to listen to possible jobs, and he won't show up to meet the tutor. He's convinced himself he can't do anything so I'm trying to be hands out, but I have told him that when he's 18, he needs to do something to earn the insurance and car payments. Currently, he is doing better about cleaning his own messes so it's a step, but 18 is going to hit hard with no skills.
My feelings upon rereading:
1. Sadness that I missed out on more time with my daughter because I chose to focus on my son.
2. Sad about what happened to my girl - she didn't deserve all those horrible experiences.
3. Guilty and disappointed about her choices in men. Guilty because I wonder what part I played in that with my own personal bad choices and lack of knowledge as to what makes a good marriage.
4. Anger at her for stealing/losing money is turning to acceptance and some forgiveness as I want her in my life. Bafflement as to why she doesn't appreciate what I sacrificed for her - although that is an older reaction. I'm beginning to understand this.
5. Pain that she and I and Keisuke and I don't really know each other anymore.
6. Anger/Sadness that Keisuke doesn't respect me/isn't grateful for all I did but instead tends to blame me for my choices in men and screwing up both kids.
7. Confused/scared as to the correct course of action with both of them. Relying on Al-Anon - not provoking a crisis but no longer preventing natural consequences from occuring.
8 Grief: letting go of my expectations for seeing graduations, weddings, grandchildren, great careers for them; the unknown is frightening! Will they turn around? Will they get jobs/finish school? Will we even see each other in the future?
Neither one of them even remembered my birthday even though I make big deals about big days in their lives. Would love to have my girl call me out of the blue to share something exciting, etc. I don't get those calls like me and my mom always did. My mom was like my best friend. At least Keisuke still does that now and then - probably cuz he lives with me still.
I'm hopeful that we will eventually be friends and have that kind of relationship and find some common interests.
I need to be quiet, listen, let them know I'm here if needed and can be trusted now not to blab. I only talked with mom to get her perspective or with someone to decide if I'm doing the right thing, but they hated my talking about them. Keisuke would blow up about it. I couldn't even brag or give him compliments.
I think in spite of my efforts to give them good self esteem (to make up for my lack of it), somehow that didn't happen. I think both suffer from depression. Their dad has some serious issues that led him to being an alcoholic and I was damaged from my family of origin so maybe we just passed on some genetic predisposition and our scars without realizing it.
I try to keep busy to avoid facing the pain from all this. Now following the codependent and Al-Anon programs fills a void, and my hope is that when I get better, they will follow. Isn't that trying to control them, though, also? Wish I knew the answer to that one.
How do I benefit from trying to control? It reduces my anxiety to try to fix it - so afraid of their lives being ruined.
What do they gain? They don't have to work or take responsibility.
How effective are my attempts to control? Not very - I usually feel that they have all the power, and I have none. I can't make them do anything; they know that. They have a cushy life on my dollar. I can't have my dream of an easy to get to vacation spot/rental for income with them draining all the money. Even the cars which I thought would bring me freedom are too high a price to pay for my not having to drive them around - $1000 or so per month! It's all killing us - no money for nice vacations for us. I don't mind the camping/hiking/backpacking vacations but sometimes I'd like to go somewhere else/do something else. I really want that other house, but because of Preston, we lost the chance to sell at a good time. Actually, it's my fault for going along with letting him be there free of charge - for letting myself be bullied into it plus I wasn't ready to let go of the family property - the ridiculous demands of San Juan County hadn't pushed me to the point where I realized I was done.
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