Fourth Step Summary - share for 5th step

Summary:

Positive Attitudes/Traits:  willingness to learn/change; care about others' feelings; responsible, dependable; good to animals; leadership (hiking); calm in crisis; considerate; learning humility; becoming more flexible as to time and last minute changes; respectful and accepting of others most of the time; improving in terms of facing conflict or situations with courage and honesty; intelligence

Revisited 2/13/13:  kind, loyal, responsive to messages, considerate, hopeful, positive attitude

Negative Attitudes/Traits:  impatience; arrogance at times(think I'm smart +)*; fiercely independent; manipulative at times; inflexible (time, changes to plans by others); somewhat disorganized; lacking motivation for unpleasant chores; boundary issues; will power can be low; disrespectful towards husband; can be judgmental of appearances, behavior, and attitudes - take others' inventories; watching too much TV - escape; conflict avoidance; obsessions often prevent me from living in the present; indecisiveness; self centered - obsessed with time/get impatient about getting to the fun times for me; really like praise/prestige, but I am moving past that need as I learn to put pleasing God ahead of worldly recognition; jealousy - have to guard against comparing my life to others' as then I feel it's unfair/get resentful - have to run my own race

Revisited 2/13/13 Ash Wed - have improved in behavior towards husband, still working on these others

Responsibilities I Recognize as my own:  a.  controlling debt  b.  trying to help myself in terms of job and personal growth  c.  boundaries as to how I am treated  d.  boundaries as to how I treat Glen and stupid drivers e.  self care (not beating myself up over mistakes, eating right, exercising, doing something fun); ok to be "selfish" sometimes; I deserve good things - let go of guilt for having any; be grateful for what I have

Revisited 2/13/13:  watching my eating even better than before - really staying aware of portions and type of food

Responsibilities I need not have taken on:  a.  worry about kids' school and futures and stepping in to rescue them from the consequences of their mistakes   b.  changing plans to suit someone in the group and feeling I couldn't cancel  c.  feeling I am the source of someone's happiness or sadness

2/13/13:  definitely have allowed myself to cancel - sometimes too often or last minute; not changing plans as much, not feeling I have to please others so constantly, being a blessing or of service to others if it does not infringe upon my rights, needs, conscience

Qualities I appreciate in myself:  ability to organize events; attempts to be supportive and helpful to others in a positive way; kindness to and love for animals; intelligence; ability to quickly assess a situation and respond - but sometimes need to take the time to think; ability to learn new ways

2/13/13:  working on spending more time listening, being a person of integrity, being an example, truly acting out of real love and kindness

What I've discovered about my capacity for loving:  I have limitless love, but I tend to put up some walls to protect myself - fear of abandonment?

2/13/13:  Why can't I really feel I am intimate with someone?  I still send that I am holding back.  I don't know how to break down walls between me and the other person.  I don't know what to say.  I guess I still need to root fear out of my life if I want to have special bonds and truly experience closeness with another.

Realistic goals:

1.  maintain a budget; pay down bills slowly
2.  boundaries with kids surrounding money/the way they treat me/detaching from their problems
3.  lose weight - maintain self discipline and find good things to eat
4.  keep up exercise without obsessing
5.  get to one meeting a week; talk to sponsor once a week; make one other call once a week
6.  keep up the job search in case something wonderful comes along
7.  find different activities for classes to liven them up a bit
8.  learn how to get back to sleep
9.  silent time to meditate daily so I can hear my HP over the noise of my mind
10.  readings 30 minutes a day
11.  Cut back TV to 1.5 hours a day max
12.  Find good outlets for my mind - let go of obsessions and depressive thinking

2/13/13:  doing well with morning routine of getting in touch with God; evening I still tend to exercise/watch TV instead of God time/Glen time/chore time - goal is to become more disciplined again

Behavior habits I can improve:

1.  more respectful behavior towards Glen
2.  control my reactions to little irritants
3.  control obsessions so that I live in the present
4.  silent time to meditate
5.  conflict avoidance/avoidance of dealing with an issue
6.  communication style/content
7.  consistency with boundaries
8.  spend more time learning about the will of God/working a program in terms of journaling/exploring

2/13/13:  still tend to be off in la la land too much instead of truly enjoying each moment of every day; definitely have managed to fill up on positive thoughts for my spirit